I'm broke, my partner is not

[Duvetday19]

Bit of a rant really and appreciate I might get some negative replies!
DP has booked and paid for holiday for myself and DC, I offered money but this was declined as we are both aware my SMP can't afford it. Very very grateful for this and looking forward to it. Fast forward to holiday shopping time and myself and DC basically need a new wardrobe so start panicking, DP says not to worry I will sort it. I warned him I need so much and again not a problem. He did take us shopping and I picked up a couple of bits for myself and DC, he pays (grateful). When home I explain that I do need more as a dress and shorts and a tee won't do it and so will DC and say I will just do Primark for the rest and he goes on to say he's just spent XYZ so I agree I can get the rest. I was lucky to have some savings but honestly after the holiday shop I am almost broke and have gone very quiet on DP. Not really blaming him I'm more annoyed that I've left myself with hardly anything and starting to panic. I won't miss any of my bills or anything but I have never left myself with this amount at the end of the month. This week its been up to me to get suncreams, extra milk for DC, raincoats, clothes, along with household items and work clothes as I'm returning after holidays (almost 1000 in two weeks) have to add DC has been sick and needed extra meds and some nice foods so she would eat and creche registration plus everyday clothes because she had a growth spurt and I don't know if I'm being spoilt as he has paid for the whole holiday and will obviously have to fork out majority of spending money or if I should say look, our DC has more in savings than I do right now and I can't afford it.

Or, just suck it up, accept the loss and just accept I'll build it back up hopefully by Christmas.. I would never ask him for the money back or anything just to recognise I can't actually put my hand in my pocket so much for a little while. I am not one to pick money fights but this has killed me.

God he hasn't paid for your holiday, it's family money, they're his kids. All money should be pooled and you all get everything you need from this.

Sit him down and tell him how much you don't have, tell him his mother has your clothes and as such you'll need to get them back or buy new and that money needs to come out of the joint pot.

You are doing yourself no favours at all being all meek and mild, you need to make him understand that he needs to help out.

Understanding what your saying however I'm not someone who can talk about money easily from upbringing I assume.. Easier said than done as I said, he's just paid for a holiday how do I not sound ungrateful?

I understand, but this isn't sustainable for you. Not being able to communicate your needs is stressful. It's consistent stress and it grinds you down.

You're not able to emotionally do seperate finances. Don't do the going quiet thing. Tell him you can't do the financials for the holiday and you need some change transferred so you can go shopping for you and the bairn . If he twists then he can take the bairn by himself and hope they have a lovely time.

You have a child. It's both your money.

If DC are his this is bizarre. I’m on mat leave and about to go onto my unpaid bit. It’s understood that I can use the joint account for expenses (which DH pays into and I pay into when I’m earning but not when I’m not!) and if I needed anything that wouldn’t cover then DH would of course pay.

I think perhaps your DH has wondered why exactly you need a fully new holiday wardrobe for you and DC. It is a little odd you have zero clothes? Even if you did lend some to MIL?

I’d definitely sit down and have a proper chat about how finances are split when you’re on mat leave. Do you not have a joint account?

Please I know it sounds odd that I had nothing but I actually had nothing after going up a dress size. I'm not one for many clothes as it is and I gave her everything from cover ups to dresses to shorts. I did previously have a couple of dresses I can bring. DC is a baby who had no clothes suitable for 25° whether.. I don't know why I'm explaining this but yes I know we need to sit down and sort this out

serio OP you are being ridiculous here.

1. call your MIL now, you are going on holidays and need your clothes
2. tell DP that your DC has grown and needs summer clothes, buy some online with his credit card or go on vinted or marketplace to get bits. He probably hasn’t noticed.
3. same for you: just tell him you need a bit of money and time to fo to Primark, can he take DC to the playground.

Just communicate clearly - he is not a mindreader! also the reason you have no money is you are raising your DC - that’s as equal a contribution as going to work. You are both contributing to the family.

This is not right.

First of all, when we booked our holiday this year I outright said to my partner if we want to go on holiday this year you're going to have to pay for it, which he did happily. That doesn't mean he then shouldn't be expected to pay for anything else though??

I'd never expect him to buy me clothes HOWEVER all our bills come out of the joint account (which I stopped paying into when I dropped to SMP). Also whenever I buy stuff for the baby that also comes out of the joint account, so i have money to be able to buy my own clothes. If you don't have a joint account then he needs to be paying for AT LEAST half of the kids stuff, although should actually be more than half as you are off work looking after the baby.

All your money is joint money. You are a family unit with a child. You have equal rights to the family pot. How do people manage relationships like this? My husband earns way more than me but we spend equally on ourselves. We are a team not 2 individuals. Every month we go through and work out what money we have and what spending we have coming up- everything is 100% open and transparent but we don’t police each other’s purchases but make sure anything large we have covered.

If you are on maternity leave then you are giving up most of your income (except SMP) to bear and look after HIS child. This child is 50% his, he should pay 50% of the costs. He is treating it like he is doing you a big favor by helping shoulder some of the finances that you lost via going on maternity leave. Why should he get to have a baby for free, when you have to give up so much income to have the baby? This man does not love or respect you. Protect yourself, he won't protect you.

OP, your 'partner' is ridiculous, and this is not how a family works.

However, you are also ridiculous for being so passive.

You need to work out a household budget, and you need to discuss finances clearly with your DP.

Regarding your MIL, ring her and ask for the clothes back or money in lieu if she indeed gave them away.

About summer clothes, there should have been no need to spend much at all on DC - a baby needs very little for summer. Similarly you might have needed a few things but not much.

But mainly, you need to discuss with DP. Urgently. Ahead of holiday.

Throughout our relationship, the high earner has fluctuated due to studying/ mat leave/ covid etc. As we share a life and children, our account has always been shared. DH was able to grow his business and I was able to make partner because all resources including childcare were pooled. I honestly believe if you can’t share money, you’re taking a big risk sharing anything else. In fact studies show that sharing a bank account is not only a reflection of a good relationship but can also lead to an improvement in a relationship where the accounts have previously been separate.

https://metro.co.uk/2022/04/03/couples-with-joint-bank-accounts-last-longer-says-study-16396904/amp/

Sorry it’s the Metro but it’s not pay walled so easier to access than more reputable papers.

I hope you and DP are able to sort this OP as it’s important on so many levels imho.

DC clothes for the holiday just sound like DC clothes for their current age.

He’s not being generous paying for a family holiday when you aren’t working owing to maternity leave

a real man would share imho - you are looking after the children ffs!

You're broke because you not able to work because you are providing childcare for his child! What is his perspective on your joint finances?

(Incidentally, I fell into this trap when I had DC - we were married - but I didnt raise the issue of money because it was pointless, he just threw a strop if we got anywhere close to the conversation.)

Discussed a little with DP who came back with her pays alot already, decreased my shopping bill and will pay for childcare and I will be okay once work begins...

I did say a joint account and he said okay but there will be no more surprises, birthdays etc because we will know what we are spending..

So I now feel like I shouldn't of brought it up because he feels he already does enough yet I am almost broke and he is not.

You are not listening to what is being said to you on this thread.

You live together and have a child together. Your money should be his money and vice versa.

You shouldn't have to say things like "I am broke and he is not"

This makes no sense!

How long have you and this current boyfriend lived together?

As an aside why don't you want to get married?

I don't think you need to pool money for it to be fair, but of course you shouldn't be struggling on the bones of your arse due to mat leave whilst he is fine.

That's so so weird.
Ok, so you are just on here for a moan, which is fine, or else you are having a laugh.

What's the matter with you? Him, I get, he doesn't want a joint account, but what about you? What's this no surprises no birthdays bollocks? Surely you either get a credit card each that you both pay off from the account at the end of the month but you don't see the detail of each others, or else, shock horror, use cash. Why are you looking for excuses for this rubbish excuse for a father?

@Duvetday19
That is so controlling.
Add together every household bill and every bill related to your child (including clothes etc.) and then split it based on your income. Or put all your money in, work out how much you need each month (with a bit of a cushion) and you both take 50% of what is left to use for yourself (to save or spend on presents etc).
He sounds like a dick!

Yes for a moan, I have no close friends where I'm living. And also it wasn't myself who said about birthdays, I don't agree with that.

Obviously throwing away the relationship is a last resort.

I don't actually even understand your basic attitude that you are grateful. Why are you grateful?
I would be happy that as a family we could afford a holiday, owing to the fact that there is less money in the family, due to maternity leave. I wouldn't be grateful to the person bringing home the money, anymore than I would expect them to be grateful for me for doing the childcare. It's a family, people pull their weight and make different contributions at different times. But not in your "family", you are grateful and yet doing without. That's really screwed up. I'm actually feeling really, really sorry for you.

I don't think your partner can really love you if he is happy for you to have such a different lifestyle to him.

When I read your OP I assumed that the DC was not his and as such he sounded quite generous. But as he is the DF and your DP, that's just horrific. And why is it funny that MIL has stolen your clothes and sold them on - why not demand them or the proceeds from selling them back ?

I got that it wasn't you who said about birthdays, but why at the point where he mentions birthdays do you not leap in and go well no problem, that can be solved easily by XYZ, bring on the joint account. I actually know couples who pooled their finances while the mum was on maternity leave and split them up again after.

Tell him to get a credit card and buy birthday gifts with that and after your birthday and you've had the surprise he can pay it off.

I did say a joint account and he said okay but there will be no more surprises, birthdays etc because we will know what we are spending..

I'd rather never have a surprise than be in the bones of my arse with no clothes and no money.

Also, "DH I bought your present, don't look at the joint account today" and done.