will things ever improve? givng up hope....

[ohdearohdear]

dh and i have been seeinga counsellor for a few months. One very huge row ( when we hit eachothre) and several others made me realise that unless thigns change, i want us to split up. The trouble is i don't know if i'd be more miserable with out him than with him.

To summarise our relationship:

1.we haven't had sex for 8 months ( he stopped showing an interst years ago unless i iniated it) and a couple of days after the last time (which was about another 8 months since the previous time and i was very nervous) he was absolutely horrible to me - nothing to do with the sex

1. He hardly ever compliments me

3, he shows little interst in what i do

1. he rarely atrranges for us to do anything (he has agreed in the counselling to change this)
2. His temper and things he has said and done before have clouded ( forever, i think) my feelings for him

6 I don't really look forward to spending time with him

1. I don't feel appreciated

BUT on the positive side

1. He is very good with ds ( 99% of the time)
2. he gives me a massage most nights
3. he's not controlling with money
4. he earns enough that i can be a sahm and is happy for me not to work
5. he's very homely ( ie not one of "go out with the lads"

6 he does things round the house

I'm just wondering if it's worth trying to improves things in view of the bad points.

this is a very difficult one, what worried me is you say that your feelinga for him are clouded forever, i think u both need to put in 100% and see if things start to change, i would suggest putting in place a time limit to review things though, otherwise you would be going round in circles for ever and ever

Hi, well, looking at your list I would say you had a pretty good hubby there. Lots to work on anyway. Lots of positve things that a lot of ladies would be grateful for, especially the nightly massage

I think you need to do more for yourself, have you got interests of your own or hobbies. I think you are dissatisfied within yourself and are blaming your DH for this.

Once you stp relying on his to make you happy and feel worthwhile, everything else will fall into place x

Yes maybe a time limit would be good - trouble is he almost refuses to accept that we might split up. We have an appt with the counsellor today.

are you like brother and sister rather than husband and wife?
Do you love him and find it all quite comfortable but are not in love with him?
Just rambling some thoughts down here so apologies if they have not come out quite right

Thanks time for me - but i do loads of things myself (obviously with ds too) in the week. I've made lots of new friends since having ds and have things planned to do most weekdays.

I think you need to work out what you want. It is hard when you are a sahm to find time for who you really are.

Are there things you like to do on your own that he might like to share.

Being in a relationship is not the be all and end all - what do you want from it?

You sound a bit low and in need a boost to yourself - i can understand this - it just feels as if life is passing you by and you are not sure how you can back into it. I have had depression in the past and i know if i start to feel like that i need to do something about it.

You are right to worry that things may not be better if you part - and until you know what you want from your life you will never know.

Yes i suppose it's more like brother and sister than husband and wife....

some people do live their whole lives like that and manage very well. Others would never contemplate such a relationship. You need to try to soul search about what you (and he) want from life and each other
Keep talking to us ohdear it might help to make things clearer for you

Are there things for you alone though - not with ds.

I enjoy to get out in the garden (even though i have to let the children do their bit too!!) and i get a real buzz of seeing things coming up in the garden and even better is to produce something (strawberries and tomatoes mainly).

Being a mum is not always rewarding you need to find who you are too.

Thanks HappyWoman - i know what i wnat my life to be like. To carry on with how things are in the week during the day until ds goes to school. But also to have a happy relationship with dh and to look forward to spending time with him, to feel appreciated and for him to make some effort to arrange things for us to do, instead of it always being me

If Dh was giving you everything you say he isn't i.e paying you compliments, making you feel appreciated, do you think you would feel differently about him, about the relationship or, would you still be thinking about splitting up?

yes, i do things without ds too - go out with friends in the evening sometimes, got to the health club a few times a week.

Timeforme - yes it would make a big difference . I've told him loads of times , but he never changes

Blimey HW, we are alike! I get a real buzz from my garden too, I love it!

Sorry for hijack!

Sometimes our expectations are too high - we seem to think everyone else has the most fantastic life and when we see ours all we see is endless cooking/washing/clearing up. At least by seeing a counsellor you are both doing something possitive.

Do you want him to be upset about splitting up as you would feel he really is passionate about your relationship. We all like to think our partners would die without us.

he just doesn't seem to take the possibility of us splitting up seriously

TFM - when i say strawberries we only get about 2 each and then we get sick of tomatoes when they are in season - but at least it helps the wildlife in the garden too. I have a big project at the moment as we have been lucky enough to buy some extra garden and need to design it from scratch.

Anyway oh-dear what we are saying is you need to find what makes you happy first and then see if it fits in with your relationship. - have to admit the nightly massage would do it for me.

yes, i know what would make me happy but i'm beginning to think it's never going to happen if i stay with dh. And of course it might not happens if i leave him either..

Do you want him to take it more seriously - he is going to relate after all?

How would you know he is taking it seriously? How would you feel if he has already seen a solicitor and made himself finacially secure?

My h did that and it really is a bombshell. - be careful what you wish for sometimes.

The nightly massage would do it for me too!

I agree with HW. I think this is more about you than your DH. He sounds like a good man really. I honestly wouldn't be considering splitting with my DP for the reasons you have cited. I would be working on my esteem and not relying on anyone else to make me feel fulfilled.

could you stay with him and just make your life truly amazing "around" him. Let him carry on with his non commital ways and you get on and do wonderful things and have a fabby time????
Again, another ramble but it might spark something off for you????

Why would it not happen in either situation? I think you need to be happy with yourself whether or not you are in a relationship - that is the key.

How about writing down some of your goals and then each day try and do something to help you get there.

Without more information about what you know will make you happy it is hard to give you advise.

The grass is not always greener on the other side ODOD. Maybe if you could start and focus on the positive, work on that, you will make progress.
How does DH feel about all this? Does he feel he is getting all of his needs met or is he just taking all of the blame?

yes, tha's true. I suppose what i means is by taking it seriously, is that he makes more effort to improve things. Things are so bad that i wouldn't even contemplate having another baby with him (really upsetting somethimes as lots of my friend have just had or are pregnant witht eh second now). We had huges rows when i was pg the first time and he carried on shouting at me even after my blood pressure had gone high

does you DH suffer from depression?