will things ever improve? givng up hope....

[ohdearohdear]

dh and i have been seeinga counsellor for a few months. One very huge row ( when we hit eachothre) and several others made me realise that unless thigns change, i want us to split up. The trouble is i don't know if i'd be more miserable with out him than with him.

To summarise our relationship:

1.we haven't had sex for 8 months ( he stopped showing an interst years ago unless i iniated it) and a couple of days after the last time (which was about another 8 months since the previous time and i was very nervous) he was absolutely horrible to me - nothing to do with the sex

1. He hardly ever compliments me

3, he shows little interst in what i do

1. he rarely atrranges for us to do anything (he has agreed in the counselling to change this)
2. His temper and things he has said and done before have clouded ( forever, i think) my feelings for him

6 I don't really look forward to spending time with him

1. I don't feel appreciated

BUT on the positive side

1. He is very good with ds ( 99% of the time)
2. he gives me a massage most nights
3. he's not controlling with money
4. he earns enough that i can be a sahm and is happy for me not to work
5. he's very homely ( ie not one of "go out with the lads"

6 he does things round the house

I'm just wondering if it's worth trying to improves things in view of the bad points.

i am fairly happy with how i am now and i know that the grass is definately not greener. i just wish he apreciate me and made me feel "feminine". if that makes sense?

TFM - bet the children where pleased about the swedes though (mine would - they hate them!).

Do you have any common goals - things you both want to do together?

We find our happiness in just seeing the children playing together - we just love our holidays where there is no other life distractions and we can all just be together enjoying the simple things such as collecting shells - it brings a warm feeling just thinking about it. To me being part of a faimily unit is important and so i work hard to achieve it for all of us.

Try seeing the bigger picture - it does sound as if your partner is a good man but that he may not know what you want and is only doing his best to help you. You do often have to spell it out in really big letters for them to get it.

I also wish he would learn not to say horrible, hurtful things when he's angry and not throw strops like a four year old. A few weeks ago he said he didn't want to play with ds(infront of him) because he was angry with me. ds cried as dh always spends time with him when he gets home

He knows exactly what i want , i've told him countless times. Occasionally it changes for a few days, but never lasts. No he's not depressed, and nor am i

I understand. My DP i not forth coming with the compliments BUT, instead of waiting for it to come out of his mouth then getting into a strop when it doesn't, I look at his face, his eyes, when I walk into the room, I see the compliment

Maybe your DH thinks he is showing his gratitude, his love, by giving you a nightly massage, thats a very loving thing to do IMO.

How could he make you feel femine? You need to know so you can tell him.

If you really want to 'test' the relationship you need to give it your all and then if it is still not working at least you will be able to walk away knowing you did everything you can.

Do some of the things you would want him to do. Book a weekend away - surprise him with a gift, whatever it is you want - show him and then at least he may get the hint.

Make sure you always say thankyou to him for the things he does - so he cant say you dont appriciate him either.

It can become a bit of a battle with neither wanting to make the first move as both are feeling hard done by.

I see a but - if you truely believe you have done everything then you do need to get out and give yourself the life you deserve.

You either accept that is the way he is and as TFM said focus on the possitives and have a laugh and a bit of a bitch about the not so good points with friends over a coffee, or you accept that you cannot accept this for yourself and do something possitive about leaving.

got to go now and dont want to leave you with such harsh words, keep posting and writing and the answers will come. You sound as if you are cross because you just dont do something about it.

Hmm, difficult. IF what you want is romance and passionate declarations all the time, you are unlikely to get this from anyone and among the few men who do that kind of thing, the majority are not particularly monogamous and may even be quite cynical about doing it. Also, a 'relationship' can't fix your life. A romantic relationship is not the answer to everything.
If you have a kind amiable husband who is good with the kids, that's one thing - but if he is not civil to you, belittles you and ignores you, that's a different matter to him not being romantic. Hard to tell from here, really.

thanks madamez. yes i know you're right about the rmance thing but just feeling he noticed me and was attracted to me would be nice! Most of the time he's fairly kind and very good with ds. When he's angry - sometimes he's not civil to me..

hi anyone else got any thoughts on this? thanks

ODOD as this is now your second thread on this and we don't seem to be coming up with anything new or getting any further with maybe you should be givng some of the suggestions a try, maybe we have exhausted it for now, in it's currnet state anyhow

Try picturing him with another woman.. does the thought of this hurt unbearably? Or does it make you wish he would go and do it to give you a way out?

Maybe this could help you clarify your feelings for him.

I.m just not sure what to do really. Think the idea of him with another woman would be bad, but yes i suppose it would make my mind up once and for all, but then i 'd probably feel even worse than i already do. Maybe i should just accept that he isn't going to change, and try and make the best of what we have rather than setting myself up for continual disappointment ( this is how it feels when he says he'll try to remember to arrnage for us to to go out, try to compliment me, show an interst in me, etc) Maybe if i just accept that these things are unlikely to change and get on with planning things myself, we might be happier ( well at least he won't feel under pressure to do things and i won't be coninually disappointed) ??

He just called me (he usually calls once during the day) and i saidhow fed up i was. He got defensive and said he thinks things have been better for the last few months because there's been less arguing. That's true that the arguments havent been so severe but therte's more to it than that. Maybe i should just try to accept things as they are and be grateful for the good things i have? maybe if we don't have any horribleness between us for longer, i might feel happier?

I think if you could do that, look at all the positives and make the most of everything you certainly would feel happier and inturn, so would your DH.

I think he may feel you are making him responsible for your happiness and he may feel that is an impossible task, thats why he becomes angry and defensive, i can't blame him to be honest.

Do something nice for yourself today, something that makes you feel good, cook a nice tea and have a lovely evening with your DH. Thats a good start isn't it?

Message withdrawn

good post lennygrrl!

Been thinking about this and i am sure we could all find a huge list of things we would love to change about our partner - the thing is do all his good points make up for that, you are the only one who can change that.

For example - my h is very impulsive - it drives me crazy sometimes but then i think well at least things get done (not always the way i would want but at least something to laugh about later).

He is not a planner so often we do things on the spur of the moment - but sometimes we miss out because he wont think too far ahead.

Going back to the garden - i love it, he does it (but often pulls up my flowers instead of the weeds). I get angry and he will pop off to the shops to replace them (which is often wrong - but at least he is trying).

Marriage is hard -life is hard and i want someone who will share that with me good bad and ugly.

Good luck and hope you find what you are looking for.

it worries that you would not be worried if he had an affair - if that is truely how you feel then i think you really do need to get out and 'set you h free' It is not fair on him to be expected to be putting in any effort if you really are not that bothered. I think you are being a coward and actually want to be the victim.

I am not surpised he is not making as much effort as you would like - surely he is picking up on that fact.

Sorry if that sounds harsh but if it was the other way around and a woman was saying he just dosent seem that bothered we would all be down on him like a ton of bricks.

It is ok to question where your relationship is going - we all do that from time to time but if you cannot see it going anywhere surely you owe it to your h to give him a chance of finding that happiness too.

maybe speaking out of turn here but I am kind of surprised no-one has mentioned the lack of sex...no wonder you are not feeling desired or particularly feminine if you haven't made love with each other for 8 months, and only twice in the last 16. You say you used to initiate sex but have now given up (believe me I know this feeling) Sounds like he has issues with sex, or maybe just a really low libido. Has this been dealt with in your counselling sessions? He does sound like a nice guy (massages - I'd die for ONE of those, not to mind one a night!) and I think that you would probably feel closer (which I think is probably much of what you need) if there was a little bit more going on between the sheets...

HW - sorry, i didn't mean to give the impression i wouldn't mind if he had an affair - it would devastate me. I don't know what it is with him and sex. Something that makes it seem even more hurtful that he never used to initiate it is that when he was at college he slept with so many girls he says he can't remember exactly how many - around 20 jhe thinks in the space of less than 2 years. Since then he only has serious relationships - 2 living with and another long term before me. The second gitl he lived with killed herself - he came home to discover her dead body in the house.This was about 13 years ago. I was the first person he ever told about it - he told friends "she'd moved away". He didn't even arrnage a funeral

and he said none of her family ever tried to find her

anyone there?

i'm here, but dunno what to say - that sounds horrendous, has he had counselling for that?