will things ever improve? givng up hope....

[ohdearohdear]

dh and i have been seeinga counsellor for a few months. One very huge row ( when we hit eachothre) and several others made me realise that unless thigns change, i want us to split up. The trouble is i don't know if i'd be more miserable with out him than with him.

To summarise our relationship:

1.we haven't had sex for 8 months ( he stopped showing an interst years ago unless i iniated it) and a couple of days after the last time (which was about another 8 months since the previous time and i was very nervous) he was absolutely horrible to me - nothing to do with the sex

1. He hardly ever compliments me

3, he shows little interst in what i do

1. he rarely atrranges for us to do anything (he has agreed in the counselling to change this)
2. His temper and things he has said and done before have clouded ( forever, i think) my feelings for him

6 I don't really look forward to spending time with him

1. I don't feel appreciated

BUT on the positive side

1. He is very good with ds ( 99% of the time)
2. he gives me a massage most nights
3. he's not controlling with money
4. he earns enough that i can be a sahm and is happy for me not to work
5. he's very homely ( ie not one of "go out with the lads"

6 he does things round the house

I'm just wondering if it's worth trying to improves things in view of the bad points.

I was supised you dismissed the depression so quickly - it is not unusual for it to be undiagnosed for a long time. There are some classic symptoms. Have you both been to see your gp to be checked out?

If i was feeling so low about my relationship i would make sure i had done everything including getting myself checked out by gp.

Sometimes it is just a lack of vitamins and sunshine that make us feel down or it could be something more - some simple blood tests might help.

TFM - I DID just that (pay attention ) , it was great, but then I realised I need more than we'd been having and I'm not sure he does...I am very nervous to talk about it with him though, as am very much aware it might make things MUCH worse

i understand BUT, do you actually know you need more than him or, are you second guessing? Second guessing can sometimes be as lethal as having 'the talk'. Why not, whenever you feel 'in the mood' initiate things and see how you go, if he rejects you then you have your answer, if he is a willing partner then you have a wonderful answer

Sorry for hijack

Pssst INSIP

last hijack post, promise

we have out next counselling session later. feeling quite nervous with all this going round in my head

good luck with it

Yes, good luck with it ODOD, let us know how you get on

thanks for all your help. Will try to post again later

Feeling lots better now and more hopeful Thanks so much for all your support!

Thats really good, I'm pleased to hear it

ODOD Hope you have a good day today - do let us know how you getting on.

I woke up very early and couldn't get back to sleep as i was thinking so much. Trying to be optimistic that things will improve still

the counsellor suggested we try to put the bad things from the past behing us - me in particular as it clouds how i feel now. To try to focus on the good points and me to try not to critisise dh . she said that maybe if he feels less critisised he might be more inclined to change things?

bit of a silly question (maybe).....but how does someone kill themselves in your house, your family and friends dont know, her family dont come looking/asking for her and there is no funeral? so what about the police being inolved and the girls body?

(sorry if ive missed the post that says this)

cx

That sounds like a good start, it is not easy to not harp back to what has happened in the past but there has to be a time when you have to accept what has happened and learn from it and then try and enjoy the now and the future you can have.

That is from someone whose husband has cheated and lied and treated me in the most horendous way. I could if i wanted let this spoil what i have now but i dont want it to so i try to think of all the good things that will happen from now on. I cannot change the past and i cannot punish my h forever for it and if i make myself miserable about it then it could make it more likely to happen again (then i will have been proved right and be alone). I dont want this and maybe i shouldnt have to put up with his past bad behaviour but if i make myself unhappy by it then then really is no point in moving forward.

I know i am right that no-one should have to put up with i had to then and i had every right to just kick him out but what would i have achieved then? I could 'expect' him to now be much more appriaciate (sp) everyday - but hey thats not just him.

I know that is a bit rambling but i hope you get the picture.

Our counsellor said 'when you give your best to others you recieve the best from them' Show your h the way to be by appriating him and he may well surprise you back. What have you got to lose?

Good luck with it anyway

hurtnessex - she had not contact with her family and it's not compulsory to have a funeral - so i guess that's how it can happen

Thanks so much HappyWoman - im feeling a bit down at he mo. I've got lots of ideas of things we can do but part of this is that dh is supposed to be making the effort to initiate things . So if i go ahead and suggest/arrange things, he won't get the opportunity so much.

Do you think i shoud go ahead and arrange some things or just leave it to him?

anyone there?

We seem to be going around in circles with the advice now ODOD. Yes, you should plan some things, you should be more positive and try to enjoy all the pleasure you get from your DH, especially the nightly massage!
Let us know how it goes xx

yes just arrange them anyway - have a good time doing them - does it really matter who has arranged them really? As long as you enjoy it thats the main thing - doing nothing and waiting him to will only serve to make you feel worse and also miss out on the thing you wanted to do. Its called a compromise, once he sees you doing it he may actually understand what it is you want him to do if he feels you are watching and waiting for him to trip up and make another mistake he will be nervous.

JUST DO SOME THINGS TOGETHER - ENJOY THEM AND DONT PUT ANY PRESSURE ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP.

Thanks HW

If you relax and treat them like they are a wonderful husband and act happy with what they do for you and act happy in general then they start behaving better I find. If I act miserable then he avoids me like the plague; if I act all happy and chirpy then he tries to cuddle me. It is really annoying as it's when you feel miserable that you actually NEED the cuddle, not when you're on top of the world, but unfortunately that's how most men work. Act happy and he'll start making more effort. Strange but true