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Original poster

New job. DH not happy

113 replies

welshmercury · 25/05/2023 23:43

I was a teacher until recently. Stupid hours. Crying all the time. No time for me or family. Working as a private tutor to make ends meet alongside full time teaching.

new job. WFH but base office is 70m away. We only have one car and need it for our kid to get to school etc.

DH doesn’t work as depression and been stay at home parent. Not worked entire time been together.

I have taken a significant £11k pay drop as DH said he would get work. This has not happened. I need to go to office couple of times next week and staying locally with a friend to avoid the 150 miles round trip. Have a course week after and staying down all week. Then have a team building event later in month which DH sees as a jolly.

I’m much happier now without the stress of teaching. I love my tutoring. But it’s not reliable.

we have lost two babies since 2020 and I’m now 44. DH won’t even try. Ends up being drama every month. I am desperate for my rainbow baby. But slowly coming to accept it won’t happen.

I’m fed up of being made to feel guilty about having to go to office. DH needs to drive me at 6am to station as I can’t take car. Have arranged for half term as no impact and jam packed it with face to face meetings I need.

he is supposed to get work and I’m fed up of having to be the sole financial person. If we divorced he’d be entitled to half the house I paid for. Yes he was at home while I worked as I had to but I also had to do all the other stuff, cleaning, cooking, sorting out kid and school, insurance etc. he took bins out.

I know the replies will just say leave but he wouldn’t move out to parents. I’d have nobody to take care of kid and probs end up paying him maintenance.

I also want a baby and starting a new relationship just isn’t on the cards with my age. Just needed to write everything down and have a moan to myself in a private space.

I CBA to even talk to him right now. Get a f**king job. He doesn’t want to get a job to pay for a second car or me to go off enjoying myself. He’s not actually controlling as I’m always out with friends as otherwise I sit downstairs by myself. I don’t spend money and will happily sit in pub with a pint of tap water.

I will likely leave once our kid is grown as the no baby resentment will turn to anger once I got the menopause.

I’ve actually got headspace to be thinking about this as usually would have crashed out asleep. Like I said no actual point to this post and I’m going to bed

OP posts:
notfeelingittttt · 25/05/2023 23:47

Honestly, you both sound like melts. Why have you let it get to this point?

MzHz · 25/05/2023 23:47

I hear you. It’s not you, it’s him.

you know that. Clarity will come. He’s going to need a “get a job or get out” kinda thing

Landndialamrhf · 25/05/2023 23:48

He doesn’t work and he doesn’t do anything in the house and you pay for everything?
and he’s angry at you and complaining about you having ‘jolly’s’ now that you have a job that doesn’t make you cry all the time?
he has to make it sound like he’s doing you a favour and you’re difficult really otherwise you’d realise how cushty he has it.
what’s he doing to help his depression?

thatsgotit · 25/05/2023 23:53

notfeelingittttt · 25/05/2023 23:47

Honestly, you both sound like melts. Why have you let it get to this point?

In what way does the OP sound like a 'melt'?

SarahAndQuack · 26/05/2023 00:13

You poor love. This sounds horrible.

From your post, I cannot see what your parter brings to this relationship except misery. I'm sorry if that sounds blunt.

Pixiedust1234 · 26/05/2023 00:24

So if you work full time and have a side job, plus do all the housework and running of the house what did/does he bring to the relationship?

REignbow · 26/05/2023 00:29

What is actually the point of him?

Why are you doing everything?

I am glad that you have found a job that you enjoy, but personally I couldn’t carry on.

I would leave him. Life is not a dress rehearsal!

Set yourself free.

Aquamarine1029 · 26/05/2023 00:31

I honestly can't even believe what I've read. Why have you allowed yourself to be so grossly taken advantage of? He's fucking useless, and I'm shocked that you would even consider bringing another child into this.

He needs to fucking go, and stop worrying about the financial side of it. You should be glad to give him half of the value of the house just to get rid of him. Get yourself to a solicitor and move on.

Rainbowqueeen · 26/05/2023 00:36

If DH won’t even try for another baby and you intend to leave him eventually because if this, why not do it now rather than later.

Yes he will be entitled to a share in your assets but the assets will grow over time and his ability to get work and support himself will go down. You could move closer to your job. You could be happy.

Dont waste more time on him. Make the break now. You’ve already taken a huge step by changing jobs. Make the rest of your life happy too.

PyongyangKipperbang · 26/05/2023 00:45

So you sell the house, he gets his share of the equity and......then what?

He spunks his on life as he has no job, nowhere to live and no other sucker to mooch off.

You use your share as a deposit on a new place and start again.

Oh and dont ask him to leave. Sort yourself out, get a new place lined up and leave him. You WILL manage, even if right now you think you wont.

Google the "Sunk Costs Fallacy". Basically its "dont throw good money after bad". He will always be able to have half ..... why wait just to make his half of YOUR money bigger?

PyongyangKipperbang · 26/05/2023 00:47

And then spend what you can afford on therapy to work out why you are so desperate to have a baby that you will do it with this piece of shit.

PyongyangKipperbang · 26/05/2023 00:52

Oh and further.....

His "care" of your child will last exactly as long as it takes for him to realise that the courts standard of 50/50 care for your child means you dont have to pay him a sodding penny but he still has to do proper care for the child when it is with him. Then your child will be with you and your income will be much higher without his drain on it and you can afford more flexible childcare.

WallaceinAnderland · 26/05/2023 01:16

Why would you want to bring another child into this mess? I do think the only way to happiness for you would be to separate, despite the financial hit.

PerryMenno · 26/05/2023 01:51

Take the car when you need it. Do what you need to do to make yourself happier until you're ready to leave. Ignore all the complaints - or respond with 'get a job' every time. I think if you're determined to stay awhile longer, tuning him out will be the only way to cope.

Pinkbonbon · 26/05/2023 02:05

Why do you think it's acceptable to try for a baby whilst in a shit relationship eith a lazy or depressed partner?

I'd have sympathy for you if it were just your own life you were ruining but actuslly planning to bring a kid into this mess?

Thank goodness he at least has the sense to say no to that.

'I want baby' isn't a reason to have kids on its own. Let alone in your situation. I'd love a dog, but I haven't the space or time right now, so I won't won't getting one.

quiettimes · 26/05/2023 02:18

I’m always out with friends as otherwise I sit downstairs by myself.

I am a bit concerned that you spend most of your time off work outside of the house with friends, as you’re presumably not with your child. The housework might not be balanced but neither is the parenting - both are important. But yeah, his lack of work ethic is most concerning and I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with him either.

stayathomer · 26/05/2023 04:03

He drives you to the train station at 6am every morning and he’s supposed to be happy out? I don’t understand why you’re going on about someone who is essentially a (depressed) sahp and using the words ‘get a effing job’ and apparently it’s fully him?

SunflowerTed · 26/05/2023 04:08

Aquamarine1029 · 26/05/2023 00:31

I honestly can't even believe what I've read. Why have you allowed yourself to be so grossly taken advantage of? He's fucking useless, and I'm shocked that you would even consider bringing another child into this.

He needs to fucking go, and stop worrying about the financial side of it. You should be glad to give him half of the value of the house just to get rid of him. Get yourself to a solicitor and move on.

Same thought! What a shit show of a ‘relationship’ and how did you let it get to this point?!!!!!!

SunflowerTed · 26/05/2023 04:11

Pinkbonbon · 26/05/2023 02:05

Why do you think it's acceptable to try for a baby whilst in a shit relationship eith a lazy or depressed partner?

I'd have sympathy for you if it were just your own life you were ruining but actuslly planning to bring a kid into this mess?

Thank goodness he at least has the sense to say no to that.

'I want baby' isn't a reason to have kids on its own. Let alone in your situation. I'd love a dog, but I haven't the space or time right now, so I won't won't getting one.

Totally agree.

WilkinsonM · 26/05/2023 04:17

You are being unreasonable about the baby issue. It would be irresponsible to bring another baby into this bad relationship, also if you've sadly lost two babies since 2020 how is he not trying? You're 44, you need to be realistic, another baby is almost certainly not an option now and that's fine. You have a child and if you pull up your big girl pants and leave your husband you could have a really nice life instead of being shackled to him for another 20 years until you're mid 60s which is what would happen if you did have another baby.

Cantstandbullshitanymore · 26/05/2023 04:45

welshmercury · 25/05/2023 23:43

I was a teacher until recently. Stupid hours. Crying all the time. No time for me or family. Working as a private tutor to make ends meet alongside full time teaching.

new job. WFH but base office is 70m away. We only have one car and need it for our kid to get to school etc.

DH doesn’t work as depression and been stay at home parent. Not worked entire time been together.

I have taken a significant £11k pay drop as DH said he would get work. This has not happened. I need to go to office couple of times next week and staying locally with a friend to avoid the 150 miles round trip. Have a course week after and staying down all week. Then have a team building event later in month which DH sees as a jolly.

I’m much happier now without the stress of teaching. I love my tutoring. But it’s not reliable.

we have lost two babies since 2020 and I’m now 44. DH won’t even try. Ends up being drama every month. I am desperate for my rainbow baby. But slowly coming to accept it won’t happen.

I’m fed up of being made to feel guilty about having to go to office. DH needs to drive me at 6am to station as I can’t take car. Have arranged for half term as no impact and jam packed it with face to face meetings I need.

he is supposed to get work and I’m fed up of having to be the sole financial person. If we divorced he’d be entitled to half the house I paid for. Yes he was at home while I worked as I had to but I also had to do all the other stuff, cleaning, cooking, sorting out kid and school, insurance etc. he took bins out.

I know the replies will just say leave but he wouldn’t move out to parents. I’d have nobody to take care of kid and probs end up paying him maintenance.

I also want a baby and starting a new relationship just isn’t on the cards with my age. Just needed to write everything down and have a moan to myself in a private space.

I CBA to even talk to him right now. Get a f**king job. He doesn’t want to get a job to pay for a second car or me to go off enjoying myself. He’s not actually controlling as I’m always out with friends as otherwise I sit downstairs by myself. I don’t spend money and will happily sit in pub with a pint of tap water.

I will likely leave once our kid is grown as the no baby resentment will turn to anger once I got the menopause.

I’ve actually got headspace to be thinking about this as usually would have crashed out asleep. Like I said no actual point to this post and I’m going to bed

Why would you still want to have a baby with someone who is so depressed he hasn’t worked in years and has no desire to get help???

Mangotango39 · 26/05/2023 04:51

Come on OP.
You work x2 jobs, do the cleaning, do the cooking.

what does he do all day while your child is at school? This cannot be making his depression any better!!! I suppose taking the bins out must kill abit of time 🙄

I would not be considering having another baby with this man.

If your set on staying, he needs to seek professional help for his depression then get a bloody job by a deadline date.

itsgettingweird · 26/05/2023 05:03

Surely if he's unable to work due to depression then he gets his PIP and any entitlements to UC and has been signed off with unable to work/ no capacity to work?

If he hasn't he needs to look into this. If someone can't financially provide via employment due to a medical issue they financially provide via their benefits and provide as much particle help that they can.

MayBeee · 26/05/2023 05:05

I don't read ops post as having 2 jobs . She was teaching and also tutoring . Now has a new job - 11k less and is giving us into of being away from home for training needs for new job.
Is that right ?
Re your dh , he's a cocklodger .

Freefall212 · 26/05/2023 05:11

Oh wow, the way you talk about your husband is quite awful.

This would be quite the thread if it was a man on here just slagging and degrading and name calling his SAHM wife