New job. DH not happy

[welshmercury]

I was a teacher until recently. Stupid hours. Crying all the time. No time for me or family. Working as a private tutor to make ends meet alongside full time teaching.

new job. WFH but base office is 70m away. We only have one car and need it for our kid to get to school etc.

DH doesn’t work as depression and been stay at home parent. Not worked entire time been together.

I have taken a significant £11k pay drop as DH said he would get work. This has not happened. I need to go to office couple of times next week and staying locally with a friend to avoid the 150 miles round trip. Have a course week after and staying down all week. Then have a team building event later in month which DH sees as a jolly.

I’m much happier now without the stress of teaching. I love my tutoring. But it’s not reliable.

we have lost two babies since 2020 and I’m now 44. DH won’t even try. Ends up being drama every month. I am desperate for my rainbow baby. But slowly coming to accept it won’t happen.

I’m fed up of being made to feel guilty about having to go to office. DH needs to drive me at 6am to station as I can’t take car. Have arranged for half term as no impact and jam packed it with face to face meetings I need.

he is supposed to get work and I’m fed up of having to be the sole financial person. If we divorced he’d be entitled to half the house I paid for. Yes he was at home while I worked as I had to but I also had to do all the other stuff, cleaning, cooking, sorting out kid and school, insurance etc. he took bins out.

I know the replies will just say leave but he wouldn’t move out to parents. I’d have nobody to take care of kid and probs end up paying him maintenance.

I also want a baby and starting a new relationship just isn’t on the cards with my age. Just needed to write everything down and have a moan to myself in a private space.

I CBA to even talk to him right now. Get a f**king job. He doesn’t want to get a job to pay for a second car or me to go off enjoying myself. He’s not actually controlling as I’m always out with friends as otherwise I sit downstairs by myself. I don’t spend money and will happily sit in pub with a pint of tap water.

I will likely leave once our kid is grown as the no baby resentment will turn to anger once I got the menopause.

I’ve actually got headspace to be thinking about this as usually would have crashed out asleep. Like I said no actual point to this post and I’m going to bed

More not present.

Op,
It's difficult to know what someone would do in your shoes.
Your child is 14.
If you're planning to leave, another child will tie you up to your DH for much longer. It's no worth it. He will be more a d more depended on you and can you imagine live with him and looking after him on your retirement?
What are the prospects of trying to find a new job closer? So you don't need to travel that far but still can wfh?

What does DH say now, why has he changed his mind on going back to work?

OP, I see quite a lot of myself in what you have written. I know what it's like to want a 2nd child with a useless lazy man when you are getting older. I know it's hard to except, but I will give you the advice I tell myself regularly.
These circumstances are far from ideal to bring another child into. It is unfair, on you, on your son, on a hypothetical other child. I really would try to let it go.
Your son needs you and his GCSEs are coming up. You don't want to be run ragged with a teen and a baby with your DH still being a lazy arse and not working. We tend to let hormones take over and I expect now your son is 14 and the baby years are well behind you, you are looking at it all through rose tinted glasses.
It would not improve things at all. I speak as a busy parent of one child, try not to fall into the societal pressure/trap into thinking 2 children is best for you. I believe you need lots of a support and a good relationship to have 2 children and still be able to work and have a life. Not everyone has this. Sometimes we need to accept the cards we are dealt and make the best of what we do have.
I think you need to get your ducks in a row and make a plan. You don't have to stay with your DH. You can leave, if not now, within the next few years. You sound like a clever savvy woman and deserve better.

Talk to your Gp / self refer for therapy . I have a 14 yo dd. I’m the unable to work, physically ill parent and do loads more than your h. I can’t clean much but I do a lot around the house and always as much as my health allows. Feeding dd at times is very hard when I am very weak.

Your h is a very poor role model. I try my best to be a good one for my dd so that she’ll turn into the best adult possible. Your ds deserves the same. Now you are available you can talk to your ds a lot and perhaps cook together weekly. You can also talk about needing to save money and why without worrying him or being awful about your h. Maybe he will come up with ideas about what dad could do and see if you can work as a team preferably with your h.

If all else fails I would start again. The more years you work the more you have to give including your pension

Forgot to add. Whatever the reason your husband will not cope with a baby. That would also sink you financially and tie you with him to retirement age.

I’ve seen posts on here where people have just had a one night stand and don’t even know the baby daddy yet I’m being bashed for wanting a baby.

OP people aren't bashing you, but how is your situation any better? If anything, it's worse. Youre basically a single parent also supporting your unsupportive husband.

You’re missing the point. He can get a job.

I think getting therapy is a good idea, as it will help you unpick your life.

@welshmercury what has he done to help with his depression? I ask as the way you have described him, is that he’s lazy and is unhappy at being inconvenienced by dropping you off at station? Why can’t he get a job?

Your child is 14 and all they have seen is this unhealthy dynamic in a relationship. They have seen that it’s okay it’s not for one parent to be run ragged with their career, do all the chores/admin at home etc whilst the other parent sits around doing a hobby probably as how else is he spending his time, watching television etc. This is not right.

So if you have another baby, how exactly do you envision your financial situation to improve, I.e. when you go on mat leave? I understand the wish for a baby but none of this seems very well thought-out.

sweetheart focus energy away from having another baby (really it will make things worse ) and into lining ducks up and starting to empower yourself and have boundaries

him being is a cocklodger isn’t being sexist or misandrist
he is ! And he’s not doing anything to help the family other than the basics

it’s a long game op

ps my ex was same . Guess what ? He’s working now

For wanting to bring another child into that crap?

This is the best reply/ response IMO!

But op you're clearly dealing with an obsession due to your trauma. You're trying to heal your hurt from the two miscarriages by doing the same thing over and over again. Hoping a baby will arrive to 'save' you from the pain rather than grieving and moving on.

It would not be OK for a man to stay with you because he wants a baby and wants to use you as the oven. It's not OK when the shoe is on the other foot either.

A child is a whole new person who deserves a healthy parent‐child relationship. And a healthy parent- parent relationship. And emotionally healthy parents. You don't check those boxes. You're not well either right now. Seriously, your baby obsession is mental illness due to what you've been through.

Children don't come into this world to fix your issues. You already have a kid who must be suffering seeing her mother tolerate this bs from her dad...work herself to death and lose herself to obsession.

How would you support yourself and your current child with no job at all if you got pregnant? Because you already know he won't help.

Sorry op but you need to see a gp about some therapy to help you process your grief and make healthy choices moving forwards.