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Original poster

New job. DH not happy

113 replies

welshmercury · 25/05/2023 23:43

I was a teacher until recently. Stupid hours. Crying all the time. No time for me or family. Working as a private tutor to make ends meet alongside full time teaching.

new job. WFH but base office is 70m away. We only have one car and need it for our kid to get to school etc.

DH doesn’t work as depression and been stay at home parent. Not worked entire time been together.

I have taken a significant £11k pay drop as DH said he would get work. This has not happened. I need to go to office couple of times next week and staying locally with a friend to avoid the 150 miles round trip. Have a course week after and staying down all week. Then have a team building event later in month which DH sees as a jolly.

I’m much happier now without the stress of teaching. I love my tutoring. But it’s not reliable.

we have lost two babies since 2020 and I’m now 44. DH won’t even try. Ends up being drama every month. I am desperate for my rainbow baby. But slowly coming to accept it won’t happen.

I’m fed up of being made to feel guilty about having to go to office. DH needs to drive me at 6am to station as I can’t take car. Have arranged for half term as no impact and jam packed it with face to face meetings I need.

he is supposed to get work and I’m fed up of having to be the sole financial person. If we divorced he’d be entitled to half the house I paid for. Yes he was at home while I worked as I had to but I also had to do all the other stuff, cleaning, cooking, sorting out kid and school, insurance etc. he took bins out.

I know the replies will just say leave but he wouldn’t move out to parents. I’d have nobody to take care of kid and probs end up paying him maintenance.

I also want a baby and starting a new relationship just isn’t on the cards with my age. Just needed to write everything down and have a moan to myself in a private space.

I CBA to even talk to him right now. Get a f**king job. He doesn’t want to get a job to pay for a second car or me to go off enjoying myself. He’s not actually controlling as I’m always out with friends as otherwise I sit downstairs by myself. I don’t spend money and will happily sit in pub with a pint of tap water.

I will likely leave once our kid is grown as the no baby resentment will turn to anger once I got the menopause.

I’ve actually got headspace to be thinking about this as usually would have crashed out asleep. Like I said no actual point to this post and I’m going to bed

OP posts:
Primrosefrill · 26/05/2023 05:17

Freefall212 · 26/05/2023 05:11

Oh wow, the way you talk about your husband is quite awful.

This would be quite the thread if it was a man on here just slagging and degrading and name calling his SAHM wife

Because he’s a total waste of space and doesn’t pull his weight as the “SAHP”

OP wtf are you doing staying. Leave him.

Beaverbridge · 26/05/2023 05:26

A baby is the last thing you need right now. Your husband is acting like one. He sounds a nightmare.

Mangotango39 · 26/05/2023 05:29

Freefall212 · 26/05/2023 05:11

Oh wow, the way you talk about your husband is quite awful.

This would be quite the thread if it was a man on here just slagging and degrading and name calling his SAHM wife

I think you missed the part where OP is still doing all the cooking, cleaning etc and basically running the house alongside 2 jobs!

hattie43 · 26/05/2023 06:05

Why not start your life over. I cannot see what this man brings to the table. Unless you want this for the rest of your life make a change .

DuranNotSpandeau · 26/05/2023 06:07

Leave. It's not fair on your child to have to live in such an unhappy situation because you want another baby. They won't thank you for waiting until they are older.

Leave and have a happy life with your child.

FraserNow · 26/05/2023 06:13

You need to leave.

He gets half but so do you. He can cope on his own. Either he is off with depression and would be entitled to benefits if it’s so severe (is it?) or he gets a job. You would likely get benefits in other ways too I would think.

At least you won’t be living with him, resentment, raising your child in a bad environment etc.

Depression is not an excuse for his behaviour. You are enabling him, and arguably not doing him any favours, and have dependency issues.

Whatserblame · 26/05/2023 06:15

PerryMenno · 26/05/2023 01:51

Take the car when you need it. Do what you need to do to make yourself happier until you're ready to leave. Ignore all the complaints - or respond with 'get a job' every time. I think if you're determined to stay awhile longer, tuning him out will be the only way to cope.

This!!!

GoodChat · 26/05/2023 06:21

Freefall212 · 26/05/2023 05:11

Oh wow, the way you talk about your husband is quite awful.

This would be quite the thread if it was a man on here just slagging and degrading and name calling his SAHM wife

He's not a SAHP. He's just a man who stays at home and happens to be a parent.

Gettingbysomehow · 26/05/2023 06:23

Seriously OP why the fuck are you with this loser?
He doesn't get work or do anything because he knows you will do it.
Cut this fool adrift.
I'd rather lose half my house than stay with a man like this. Nobody pays maintenance these days.
See a really good solicitor and work out what's what.
If you tie yourself to him you will gradually lose your mind and waste your entire life bit by bit.
I managed perfectly well with a full time job as a single parent so will you. If I had stayed with my ex I would have been in a psychiatric unit by now.
Get your life back today.

RogersOrganismicProcess · 26/05/2023 06:26

This relationship sounds very codependent. I really feel for you op.

I wonder if his blatant refusal to try for another baby is because he is the ‘baby’, and an actual baby would threaten his ability to be taken complete care of: physically as in cooked for and environment cleaned; mentally as in no expectations to work, spend time with you as an adult, or parent; and financially.

What is his relationship with his family like? Does he have any close friends? Are they all happy with his lack of adult skills/behaviour? Is he seeking professional help?

Does he have access to your earnings? If so that needs to stop, so that he feels the impact of not having financial independence. Same with cooking/food etc. If you are paying for the food, the very least he could do is cook it or clean up after it. If he can’t participate as an equal, he doesn’t participate.

Zanatdy · 26/05/2023 06:37

Well he isn’t bringing much to your life apart from after school care and cover for when you’re away training. You’re not on a jolly but it’s part of the training for your new job. That would really annoy me when I’m the one who is working. He does need to look for a job if this was what you agreed. Having another baby isn’t the right thing with someone you’re planning to leave in the future. This isn’t a stable family life and it’s not fair to saddle a child with that intentionally. It is horrible when you’re desperate for a baby and you can’t have one but try and focus on a time when your child has grown up and all the stuff you can do.

honestly I’d leave this guy, but you don’t want to, and that’s fine as it’s your life. But you need a proper conversation about him getting a job. Plenty of people with depression work and it’s not insurmountable. Even a part time job would help and he can get a second car and not have to take you to the station at 6am

pastabest · 26/05/2023 06:43

How old is the existing child?

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 26/05/2023 07:13

He doesn’t work at all? What the fuck?

MaggieBsBoat · 26/05/2023 07:20

LIFE IS TOO SHORT!

you can’t get time back. Don’t waste anymore on this poor excuse for a man.

And yes I’d say the same if it were the others way round. Depression is no fucking excuse for endless bad behaviour and selfishness (though many use it for that)

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 26/05/2023 07:27

You have wasted the best years of your life with this man.

bussteward · 26/05/2023 07:28

quiettimes · 26/05/2023 02:18

I’m always out with friends as otherwise I sit downstairs by myself.

I am a bit concerned that you spend most of your time off work outside of the house with friends, as you’re presumably not with your child. The housework might not be balanced but neither is the parenting - both are important. But yeah, his lack of work ethic is most concerning and I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with him either.

This is what you got from OP’s post? I would assume the child goes to bed, the husband goes to do whatever he does in the evening – laze about, presumably – and OP goes out.

DustyLee123 · 26/05/2023 07:32

If you divorced him he would be expected to get a job and support himself.
Plus, if he died today you’d have to sort out work and school, so that’s no excuse. Move if you need to for work, you’d have to be allowed to take your child.
Honestly, he’s sucking the life out of you, and he probably knows he’s got you trapped. And yes, resentment will kill it in the end.

tatteddear · 26/05/2023 07:37

I mean, the obvious answer is that you need to leave your marriage. What does he bring to it and to you?

Unless I'm missing something?

Quartz2208 · 26/05/2023 07:37

Where is your child at 6am when you need taking to the station.

you both need counselling I think the miscarriages and lack of second baby for you needs addressing

SmartHome · 26/05/2023 07:38

This is why MN invented the word Cocklodger.

Pennyplant19 · 26/05/2023 07:45

notfeelingittttt · 25/05/2023 23:47

Honestly, you both sound like melts. Why have you let it get to this point?

What a horrible thing to say.

Thoughtful2355 · 26/05/2023 07:47

why would you be trying to add a baby into the mix of stuff you do?, Hes useless.. lose the dead weight and move on, if you want to keep trying for a baby look for a sperm donor and do it yourself, my friend did that, dumped the twat, impregnated herself and now lives happily alonewith her toddler and she gets to make all the rules and decisions and do whatever she likes.

Dont end up regretting your life.

DelphiniumBlue · 26/05/2023 07:48

Crucially, how old is DC? And why is your life set up so inconveniently? You live too far from work, too far from school ...
If DC is school age, DH can get a job. He could walk, cycle or get DC to school on public transport.
Start looking into other options. Tell DH he needs to shape up. Don't let him take sole responsibility for DC or he may end up with sole residency.

Tomlitoo · 26/05/2023 07:51

Freefall212 · 26/05/2023 05:11

Oh wow, the way you talk about your husband is quite awful.

This would be quite the thread if it was a man on here just slagging and degrading and name calling his SAHM wife

In honesty I don't think a man would put up with it, OP isn't bemoaning the fact he's a SAHP but a plethora of things that are perfectly reasonable to be annoyed and frustrated with.

OP take the car when you need it, you need it for work.

GoodChat · 26/05/2023 07:52

DelphiniumBlue · 26/05/2023 07:48

Crucially, how old is DC? And why is your life set up so inconveniently? You live too far from work, too far from school ...
If DC is school age, DH can get a job. He could walk, cycle or get DC to school on public transport.
Start looking into other options. Tell DH he needs to shape up. Don't let him take sole responsibility for DC or he may end up with sole residency.

She doesn't live too far from work as she's remote with occasional travel.

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