New job. DH not happy

[welshmercury]

I was a teacher until recently. Stupid hours. Crying all the time. No time for me or family. Working as a private tutor to make ends meet alongside full time teaching.

new job. WFH but base office is 70m away. We only have one car and need it for our kid to get to school etc.

DH doesn’t work as depression and been stay at home parent. Not worked entire time been together.

I have taken a significant £11k pay drop as DH said he would get work. This has not happened. I need to go to office couple of times next week and staying locally with a friend to avoid the 150 miles round trip. Have a course week after and staying down all week. Then have a team building event later in month which DH sees as a jolly.

I’m much happier now without the stress of teaching. I love my tutoring. But it’s not reliable.

we have lost two babies since 2020 and I’m now 44. DH won’t even try. Ends up being drama every month. I am desperate for my rainbow baby. But slowly coming to accept it won’t happen.

I’m fed up of being made to feel guilty about having to go to office. DH needs to drive me at 6am to station as I can’t take car. Have arranged for half term as no impact and jam packed it with face to face meetings I need.

he is supposed to get work and I’m fed up of having to be the sole financial person. If we divorced he’d be entitled to half the house I paid for. Yes he was at home while I worked as I had to but I also had to do all the other stuff, cleaning, cooking, sorting out kid and school, insurance etc. he took bins out.

I know the replies will just say leave but he wouldn’t move out to parents. I’d have nobody to take care of kid and probs end up paying him maintenance.

I also want a baby and starting a new relationship just isn’t on the cards with my age. Just needed to write everything down and have a moan to myself in a private space.

I CBA to even talk to him right now. Get a f**king job. He doesn’t want to get a job to pay for a second car or me to go off enjoying myself. He’s not actually controlling as I’m always out with friends as otherwise I sit downstairs by myself. I don’t spend money and will happily sit in pub with a pint of tap water.

I will likely leave once our kid is grown as the no baby resentment will turn to anger once I got the menopause.

I’ve actually got headspace to be thinking about this as usually would have crashed out asleep. Like I said no actual point to this post and I’m going to bed

You are deluded op. And would be very irresponsible to bring another baby into this. Soon, you will be past parenting with this waste of space man as you DC is already 14. It would be cruel to bring another child into this unhappy home.
So so don't want to mov home to disturb your teen's GCSE's, but you are fine about introducing a baby into the mix...
Frankly it's shocking that you want to use husband as a sperm donor when you quite clearly loath him.

I think if you shelved the idea of having another child, other things would quickly fall into place.

"Just needed to write everything down and have a moan to myself in a private space."

The thing is, this is actually a really public space and as such you will get lots of opinions from the public!

So here is my opinion. You are grieving the loss of your babies and you would probably benefit from some private counselling or therapy for yourself to work through this.

all the baby haters. Jeez. I literally said I’ve lost two babies and the pain of that broke me and I won’t give up until menopause. Plenty of single parents make it work. Why can’t I use husband as my sperm donor? He is a much loved dad as he’s been the home parent. Only those that have lost know the pain of wanting to hold that rainbow baby and see those eyes looking at you. Yes it’s my need and time is running out

There are no “baby haters” here. You sound extremely immature at 44 for that comment alone.

Posters are telling you to be realistic on this point before you decide the rest of your life. At your age and after two sad losses, and certainly with an unwilling “sperm donor” (crass and spectacularly selfish of you), your chances are next to zero. Any decent attempt at your age would require an egg donor, if you decide to go it alone via IVF. There’s no chance you’d find another partner in time if you left your husband to do pursue this.

@commonground meant private as nobody knows me as I don’t want to talk to a real person. If that makes sense

Why can’t you use your husband as a sperm donor? Women who use sperm donors usually have a businesslike or friendly arrangement. You seem to loathe your husband-imagine bringing child into the world with a father for whom you have such contempt just to satisfy your need. Those who have made such observations aren’t ‘baby haters’. Quite the opposite. Quit the toxic arrangement before it really is too late.

The other thing to point out is that having another baby would add more expense to your life, your h won’t step up so you’d be having to carry it all - again.
You would not be able to take all the maternity leave as your h is not working and won’t ever work.

I don’t blame you for being angry, this isn’t the life you wanted, but it’s the life you’ve allowed to happen somehow.

Why do people always just say leave, as if that makes it all better?

If she leaves, she has no childcare for her job, or he will get full custody and she will have to pay him child support. He hasn't worked in years, he is her dependent. She can't just leave him and be free, things would be worse for her.

OP, you're 44 with an absolute loser man. I'm really very sorry but you aren't going to have another baby.

I absolutely agree with the poster who suggested some counselling for you, you have a lot of things to unpick and get some support with

@quietnightmare
thanks for one of the more sensible posts!
I tutor children 4-11. I feel I need a life coach myself.

we don’t hate each other but it’s like you said. He said he would get a job to enable me to leave a job that was damaging my mental health and that had more of an impact on my kid. I’m now home when he comes home from school. Rather than rushing in and back out again and not returning til late.

I’m worried I will need to return to teaching as it’s a big drop.

I’ve seen posts on here where people have just had a one night stand and don’t even know the baby daddy yet I’m being bashed for wanting a baby. Everyone’s situation is unique.

we don’t hate each other but I’m now able to see the wood for the trees now I’m out of teaching as I was in survival mode.

OP has one 14yo. They will choose where to be and she doesn't need childcare. It's more likely to be approximately 50:50 and she won't have to pay child maintenance. He hasn't a hope of spousal. He has a lot more to lose from a divorce than she does. In fact, the longer OP waits the more she is likely to lose financially, especially in pension. Because OP, do you really think you can live out your retirement years with this man, just the two of you? You despise him. So it's going to end, the only question is when.

She has a 14 year old but does overnights and longer stays in her new job, she can't leave the 14 year old alone while she goes to work for days on end. The child may choose to go with their primary carer, how would that be good for OP? It won't be 50-50 as he has no job and can't afford a seperate home, so he'd have to have either just visits or full custody, and again..child support.

You're wrong on the details. She knows she can't really leave him for the next few years, without risking losing her child and possibly home to him as well as her money,

OP people aren't bashing you for wanting a baby. They think it's an unrealistic hope at your age. Since your dc is 14, this must be something you have been trying for a very long time.
Can you urge him to get more support with his mental health. Is his medication sufficient, has he any other issues meaning he can't motivate himself to get a job? There were some advantages of having him home when your ds was younger. But those have almost gone now, and in a few years will be gone altogether. What will keep you together then?

@welshmercury if you got rid of this banger who is nothing but a weight around your neck, you could have your rainbow baby using donated sperm and you could move closer to your new office. You could sell the old house and start fresh.

Don't let your life pass you by while you wait for a miracle change that won't happen.

The thing is, OP, (and believe me I’ve been there) you have to assess your options based on reality. You cannot force your dh to change only assess what your options are based on things now.

the baby thing - you are 44, it’s unlikely to happen but if you think you could support yourself with 2 kids then no harm in keeping trying.

in your position I would be either getting a new, different job that doesn’t require overnight stays. Or just leave and accept you will give up some time with your kid for the next little bit / you’ll have to find an overnight nanny to cover the days you’re away (this can be done!). Even if you did have to pay your husband maintenance with a 14 year old it’s only for 4 years max. I’d consider that a price to be worth paying for freedom for the rest of my life.

I don't think leaving is the optimal option.

Him getting a job is though.
Even if it's working part time min wage in retail.
Or... if you are the sole bread winner he needs to fully support and champion your career my being a proper stay at home parent that does 100% of the domestic work.
He needs to have that jolt that things need to change quickly. Basically he needs to step up.

The baby one harder. I get your strong desire, but my personal view is both parents need to agree on this, not just one of them.

Good luck though.

He’s not depressed, that’s an excuse to be a lazy cocklodger. Can’t understand why you married him tbh as you say he’s never worked, what a waste of 02!

You are going to have to separate at some point - better earlier than latter for your mental health. If you want to wait 2 years - OK - but get a plan in place.

Go see a solicitor with all your financial details and find out how it would work, then you can decide the optimal time to do it. You may decide that due to family strain it would be better to do it now for your son.

It's awful when you want another baby and it's not happening I know, but it's not a good idea. You've said yourself that you are reluctant to separate because it would mean a smaller home for your 14 year old - so it doesn't make sense to have another baby when you will need to build your finances post separation.

You've found a job that works better for you, now you just need to sort out the rest of it. Living with someone you dislike so much is going to mess you up, and I think that he is going to do better when he has to stand on his own two feet.

Nobody is bashing you for wanting a baby. But we can't always have what we want! You're angry and resentful towards him (understandably) and this would be a completely irresponsible situation to bring a baby into. I understand it's painful to want a baby you can't have but surely, surely you realise it's time to accept that? You're 44, your H doesn't want another one and your relationship is dead. You'll be much happier if you can start to accept that.

It would not. The OP's child is 14, not 4. Her husband is a househusband not a SAHP. Plenty of people would have plenty to say about a housewife who refused to get a job when the family needed the money.

The OP is being pretty harsh about him I agree, although it's understandable. It's a toxic relationship and situation and they need out.

Having a baby naturally at 44 is so very unlikely (and I say this as someone who desperately tries for baby no.3 between the ages of 43 and 46. I managed one chemical in all that time of unprotected sex monthly. You need to find a way to make peace with that and make peace with losing half the house equity and MOVE ON. This is a terrible life and you deserve so much more.

I would use the next 4 years to get my duckies in a row.
He needs to find a job ASAP, any job.
You need therapy to help you resolve how you've allowed yourself to remain with such a lovely sucking parasite for so long.
See a solicitor in a year or so to see where you will stand legally and financially if you divorce when DS turns 18.

Honestly, this sounds like a very depressing life for everyone. Why would you bring another child into this?
Your DH sounds useless, has he ever received any help with his depression or is he just staying at home doing nothing for years?

I could not live like that and I could not bring a child to this lifestyle. It's not fair.

This probably comes across harsher than intended but you are wasting the life you do have on the dream of a life that isn't going to happen.
At 44 I think the baby ship has sailed. I know it's possible but it's not without risk and even if your relationship was perfect, it wouldn't be ideal.

As it is, your relationship is in tatters and you are miserable. It doesn't need to be this way.

Without the hope of a baby, would you have left him? I suspect the answer is yes.

Even if you do manage to conceive, what then? How is he going to support you through maternity pay? Would he step up to care for a baby? It doesn't sound like he was great at it when younger so I can't see him coping now.

You'll end up a single parent one way or another.

You could have a very good life on your own. You are clearly very capable. Why are you not enjoying the life you do have? You want a happy family with a baby but it can't happen in this relationship and you are just hurting and torturing yourself month after month. Sorry

Not bashing you for wanting a baby but you don't seem to realise how much harder YOUR life will become if you have another. Hos wont xhange, in fact it will be more of an excuse for him not to get a job. So you will essentially be having a baby for him to look after. You wont be able to, you will have to work harder to provide for you all. He will never get a job. I just cannot fathom why you were the only one working but did everything else too. Just why? How can you bear to look at him? He has taken and taken from you. Pp are right, get the split over with before hes entitled to even present of your money. Your self worth must be shot to shit to tolerate this for so long.