New job. DH not happy

[welshmercury]

I was a teacher until recently. Stupid hours. Crying all the time. No time for me or family. Working as a private tutor to make ends meet alongside full time teaching.

new job. WFH but base office is 70m away. We only have one car and need it for our kid to get to school etc.

DH doesn’t work as depression and been stay at home parent. Not worked entire time been together.

I have taken a significant £11k pay drop as DH said he would get work. This has not happened. I need to go to office couple of times next week and staying locally with a friend to avoid the 150 miles round trip. Have a course week after and staying down all week. Then have a team building event later in month which DH sees as a jolly.

I’m much happier now without the stress of teaching. I love my tutoring. But it’s not reliable.

we have lost two babies since 2020 and I’m now 44. DH won’t even try. Ends up being drama every month. I am desperate for my rainbow baby. But slowly coming to accept it won’t happen.

I’m fed up of being made to feel guilty about having to go to office. DH needs to drive me at 6am to station as I can’t take car. Have arranged for half term as no impact and jam packed it with face to face meetings I need.

he is supposed to get work and I’m fed up of having to be the sole financial person. If we divorced he’d be entitled to half the house I paid for. Yes he was at home while I worked as I had to but I also had to do all the other stuff, cleaning, cooking, sorting out kid and school, insurance etc. he took bins out.

I know the replies will just say leave but he wouldn’t move out to parents. I’d have nobody to take care of kid and probs end up paying him maintenance.

I also want a baby and starting a new relationship just isn’t on the cards with my age. Just needed to write everything down and have a moan to myself in a private space.

I CBA to even talk to him right now. Get a f**king job. He doesn’t want to get a job to pay for a second car or me to go off enjoying myself. He’s not actually controlling as I’m always out with friends as otherwise I sit downstairs by myself. I don’t spend money and will happily sit in pub with a pint of tap water.

I will likely leave once our kid is grown as the no baby resentment will turn to anger once I got the menopause.

I’ve actually got headspace to be thinking about this as usually would have crashed out asleep. Like I said no actual point to this post and I’m going to bed

He might be useless with housework but he is doing ALL the parenting. I'm sure he resents you just as much as him.

Very clearly the relationship is over as neither of you respect each other. You need to discuss a fair separation.

The kids at school and Op sorts everything for them.

Literally all he does it make sure they get there and back.

How did you get that from the OP?

This is why men being the SAHP rarely works.

They end up being useless idle and resentful babysitters whilst their DWs run themselves ragged doing everything in the house and carrying all the mental load plus working FT.

You have 3 choices:

You split up, suck up the cost of the split and start again. Or

You stay in the same house as co-parents but withdraw from the marriage with separate beds and separate lives. I know 1 or 2 women who've done that and it's served a purpose financially and for bringing up DCs although it meant that they couldn't move on or potentially find happiness elsewhere.

Or:

Things stay as they are. You ignore his whinging and get on with your life. You have a house, a job which gets you out and about, a child and a good social life. That's at least 4 big positives, no? Encourage him to get a job and medical help. Is he actually clinically depressed or just being a wet weekend moping around the house?

But you said he's never worked as long as you've been together so you must've been ok with that at one point. What's changed?

This. For the love of god do not have another child with this man

Don't bring another child into this toxic scenario.

we have lost two babies since 2020 and I’m now 44. DH won’t even try.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

Honestly, though, that sounds wise not to try again. He clearly doesn’t want to look after an extra child, the risk of additional needs is higher with age, and the family depends on your (reduced) income alone, by the sound of things. And in a newish job, would you even get maternity pay?

I don't get this bit: "I’m fed up of being made to feel guilty about having to go to office. DH needs to drive me at 6am to station as I can’t take car. Have arranged for half term as no impact and jam packed it with face to face meetings I need."

So he says something like "oh I cant believe I have to drop you at the station moan moan"?

I mean, on the face of it, getting a train at 6am when the other person needs the car is fairly standard so it's interesting you pick this detail out as a problem.

Also, you are able to arrange everything for half term because he has the kid I guess? So you have childcare options also.

I mean there is a lot to unpick here and you definitely are not happy, but the muddle with wanting another baby is not something you can blame on him really as it sounds like he is making the sensible decision not to, given the unstable place you both seem to be coming from.

I've suffered from depression my entire adult life - take it from me - he absolutely needs to get a job, not having a job just feeds into the depressive cycle.

He will be much happier and feel much better employed!

Taxi to the station?

If you knew that the baby door was closed, forever - because I'm sorry, it is, unless you pay for donor egg IVF - would that change your decisions about this situation?

Why on earth do you want a baby with a man for whom you clearly feel nothing but contempt? If it happened, what home would that be?

This!!

What an utter loser.

God help you.

Cut out ANY treats that he likes.

Cut out any subscriptions and anything that benefits him.

He is controlling you, you just don't realise it.

Call Womens aid for some advice.

Stop listening to him and stop thinking about inflicting him on another child.

You knew he was a lazy loser but you still had a child.

At 44 that ship has sailed, accept it, and focus on getting out with your child.

This environment is toxic for the child you have.

You need good advice.
Start with Women's aid and then legal.

Get rid, he's taking the p$$$

What is a melt?

If his depression is so bad he’s never worked does he get help, is he claiming benefits? How long have you lived like this @welshmercury ?

It is not OK to sit in a pub for hours with just a glass of tap water! Pubs are for paying customers!

Good post, mostly.

I did struggle with the “is it mh really, or is he a wet lettuce” I think it would be rare for someone to say that about a SAHM. That said, even if the roles were reversed, the SAHD ISNT doing anything much more than taking out the bins and driving @welshmercury to the station a couple of times. A SAHM would be doing more.

the issue here is that the Dh Said he’d get a job specifically as @welshmercury salary was dropping by £11k.

the decision to proceed was made with that understanding and yet here she is, less money, she’s still picking up the bill of the load AND he’s blithering about her doing her job.

im sorry to say @welshmercury that you’ve just learned rule number one about other people. They don’t change. He’s never worked since you met him, so why on earth would he start now of his own volition?

he’s never going to change, it’s never going to be anything other than how it is. You working your arse off, him at home, you doing it all.

I liked the comment about sunken cost fallacy. The sooner you get out, the less he’ll take in terms of the assets you’ve built up and which will continue to increase in value.

I agree with the 50/50 theory too. You’re well able to do this and it means he won’t get maintenance. Do you have a pension tho?

Agree.

He would likely be considered the primary parent. That Mumsnet is saying he’s not a SAHP doesn’t mean a court would take the same view, especially if comes down to a he said/she said as I imagine it would tbh.

Gosh I never expected my little moan about my life to attract so much attention. Only logged in as I got a notification.

we have one car and that is needed to ensure our 14 year old gets to school and completes their after school activities etc. the walk to school is 40 mins minimum and 2 kids have been knocked down as it’s not a nice road it’s 40mph but people drive 50mph.
i only need to go to office rarely and office is 70miles away. Trains are not simple to get there as not on the line that goes down. Our 14 year old is fast asleep on the 2 occasions I’ve needed to be dropped off.

all the baby haters. Jeez. I literally said I’ve lost two babies and the pain of that broke me and I won’t give up until menopause. Plenty of single parents make it work. Why can’t I use husband as my sperm donor? He is a much loved dad as he’s been the home parent. Only those that have lost know the pain of wanting to hold that rainbow baby and see those eyes looking at you. Yes it’s my need and time is running out

in the evenings I’m sat alone as my kid is doing homework or chilling out and I shouldn’t have to rely on him for company. We watch a tv show around 8pm together and then he goes to bed as school next day.

I still have 2 jobs however I’m not doing 16 hour plus days now I’m out of teaching. My evenings prior to to leaving were sitting on laptop til midnight or marking. I have a cushy flexi time job doing just 37 hours as opposed to 50-60 hour weeks. I still private tutor to supplement income and I actually enjoy tutoring. It’s not a chore like teaching in a primary school was. The amount of teachers leaving education should worry everyone that has school age children.

moving is not an option. It’s shared ownership for a start in the SE. The rental market is non existent as everyone knows and I can’t even get a proper mortgage even with the huge equity built up.

think I’ve addressed everyone’s concerns.

knew the replies would be leave leave leave. But it’s very easy to say but the practicalities would leave my kid in a much worse home. I don’t want to move his school before he starts his gcse

thanks all

Does he have any prospect of getting a job with presumably years and years of unemployment? Either his depression is bad enough that he should be able to claim benefits, or it isn't and he should go to work. Working part time even might give him some direction and make him feel better about himself. I can't imagine it's a very happy home for your dc to grow up in at the moment. Also don't waste your dc's childhood on ttc. I regret some years I spent too focused on this and the things I missed.

You aren't going to leave or get him to leave so you need practical solutions

He has depression and that's not to be ignored which you aren't ignoring you've stood by him so well done to you BUT he needs to pull his weight

Some people not just men need to be told of the tasks they need to do in the household and I respect that's a ball ache but write down what he needs to do household wide for the week and just ask him to get this done! Atleast bloody attempt it

Explain to him a cleaner for £20 a week could be an option IF he gets a job. It could be anything! Ask him if he would consider 16 hours a week somewhere stress free (I know it's naive to think any job is stress free but you know what I mean) a supermarket although I know they work hard but it may be a job he can mentally handle, working in a cinema is a good one, a library, would he consider becoming a childminder?

You have held up the relationship and he has coasted due to his mental health but everyone has a tipping point.

I know you are stressed and worked under but would starting a business with you help be an option? Can he make anything? Would he even consider starting small and start selling old clothes etc on Vinted, give him the bump to get started?

Have you considered life coaching rather than tutoring may be more people willing to engage for longer periods?

As far as the baby situation I have no advice but you sound like a strong independent person and should be proud of what you have achieved in life

I think you need a day:night out together. I know money is tight but some time together may be perfect. Could anyone you know give you two a break so you can reconnect ? Even just a picnic in the park

I am not by any means sticking up for him in this at all. It's just depression is one hell of a demon but when it's effecting you and your life then things need to change

Just read your update you child is 14 even better no need for a babysitter for you two to go out and have a picnic in the park together and reconnect

You're just to minimise with talk or a "little moan". This sounds like an untenable situation. You've made improvements for your own mental health (new job) and your dh can't support you as it impacts too much on him (inconvenience, threat of needing to get a job).
Do you have a plan re ttc? Since you don't want to give this up, I would give it one more year and throw everything at it. It's not just about the menopause (women in their 50s can sometimes still have periods) it's about egg quality which does diminish with age.