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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Lost DH and all my friends

105 replies

lostthemall · 21/05/2023 14:29

Currently in a middle of a divorce. I'm more relieved than anything because towards the end I suspected something was up but was always told that I was paranoid or insecure.

Last week I found out that all my friends knew for months but collectively decided not to say anything to me because they didn't know what to say and that it was never the right time. What kind of fucking friends are these? They sat there watching me gush about STBXH and talk about our future plans. I was planning our 5th anniversary surprise trip FFS. How can they sit there smiling and suggesting things to do and hotels we can stay at when they knew he was off screwing someone else? I sat there talking about how insecure I was about the relationship because he was distant and they told me I had nothing to be insecure about and that he loves me. It's like I lost everyone overnight. Maybe the anger and sadness will come but for now it feels like I'm all alone again.

OP posts:
Original poster
lostthemall · 21/05/2023 14:29

Sorry I don't know what the point of this thread is but I have no one anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
lostthemall · 21/05/2023 14:34

Wish I could edit my post but currently at my mum's house but I don't know how to talk to her about all this.

OP posts:
FairAcre · 21/05/2023 14:58

I can understand how you are feeling. Your friends were too cowardly to let you know what was happening and that must make you feel that they are more on your husband’s side. I really would try to talk to your mum about it. You need somebody fighting your corner.

determinedtomakethiswork · 21/05/2023 15:05

That is really really awful of them. How did you find out about the affair?

Ginger1982 · 21/05/2023 15:13

Every poster who's ever said 'don't tell the wife' should read your post. I'm so sorry you've had such shit friends.

ddd20102010 · 21/05/2023 15:21

OP I am am really sorry. Those people were not your friends. It hurts like he'll now, but younate stronger than you know and you will come back from this. You deserve a good partner and good friends. You will eventually get this even though it doesn't feel like it now. Be kind to yourself. Allow yourself to grieve for the life you thought you had. It will get easier, it just takes time. You will come out stronger and wiser. I wpuld confide in your Mum if you feel able. A problem shared and all of that. You know she will be 100% loyal to you. I am very sorry for the shot way you have been treated. If you are near Oxford I would happily be a friend.

InBedBy10 · 21/05/2023 15:21

I know you're angry but your friends were in an impossible position.

I've seen so many people expose affairs and the wife turns on the messenger and stays with the cheating husband. I know one situation where the husband convinced his wife and all of their friends that the girl who exposed his affair was a liar and was trying to break up his marriage because she was obsessed with him. He turned everyone against her. The truth came out months later but the damage was already done for the poor girl who tried to warn her friend.

Try not to take it personally. Your friends were damned if they did and damned if they didn't.

tolerable · 21/05/2023 15:22

Oh thats hard...
reality is-you havent lost anyone worth having around.. I know its really sore. give yourself time to grieve losing what you thought you had.Be kind to yourself.

Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 21/05/2023 15:24

My exh was a controlling twat who raped me. I had an affair.. Not proud. But friends stood by him when it all came out.
Twats also imo

Thea91 · 21/05/2023 15:31

So sorry . My Dad cheated on my Mum when I was young, she always says what hurt most is that everyone but her knew. I think she's struggled to fully trust anyone since . Sending you lots of strength x

LBFseBrom · 21/05/2023 15:32

It is rare that friends and acquaintances are straightforward about such things, the exception being violence of course but other stuff, no. They go along with what you say and hope for the best. I've witnessed that happen with others so often, concerning many different issues.

The thing is, if they come right out and say what they think it isn't always well received.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Better things are ahead, good luck.

ShinyShite · 21/05/2023 15:32

Sorry you’re going through this. I’ve been there over 20 yrs ago and you learn to lean on the real friends and the other cowardly friendships never healed from their betrayal.

You’re in the crisis period at the moment when everything can feel very bleak but it will get better. Forget about those crappy friends and trust that you will make really good new friends as your life changes for the better, and it will do.

pornyshroudofturin · 21/05/2023 15:58

I totally understand how you feel OP. Went through similar and have found it as hard to forgive those friends (none of whom stayed in touch with me, but plenty who see him and OW) as I have to forgive exH. The betrayal was just as painful. But you will get through this, and find new, and much better, friends x

dottiedodah · 21/05/2023 16:10

I am so sorry this has happened to you .Your friends were sadly scared to tell you ,however they probably were worried about being the "Whistle blower" so to speak.So many wives will choose not to believe ,and friends will be lost .At the end of the day ,your friends are not the ones who have cheated dont forget.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 21/05/2023 16:13

I would not tell most of my friends if their husbands were cheating, because the messenger gets shot, while the cheater is forgiven (nominally at least). Many women know perfectly well that their husband is probably cheating, but they either don't care enough to disrupt their marriage and lifestyle, or turn a blind eye for their children's sake. And things often settle down in the long term once the husband gets through his midlife crisis.

I don't think this makes me a bad friend. In some cases the person who runs to tell you that kind of news is the one who has no concern for you. I wouldn't fall out with your friends unless they are actually taking his side, and nothing you have said indicates that.

crazycatladyof6 · 21/05/2023 16:13

InBedBy10 · 21/05/2023 15:21

I know you're angry but your friends were in an impossible position.

I've seen so many people expose affairs and the wife turns on the messenger and stays with the cheating husband. I know one situation where the husband convinced his wife and all of their friends that the girl who exposed his affair was a liar and was trying to break up his marriage because she was obsessed with him. He turned everyone against her. The truth came out months later but the damage was already done for the poor girl who tried to warn her friend.

Try not to take it personally. Your friends were damned if they did and damned if they didn't.

This is so true but if a real friend I’d definitely have told her

Goodread1 · 21/05/2023 16:14

@lostthemall

Definitely confind in your mum about your feelings regarding impending divorce and how you feel about your friends not even hinting to you, about your soon to be thankfully ex husband,

You really Need someone on your side,who you know for sure has got your back allways,

Lifeomars · 21/05/2023 16:18

Just wanted to say I am so sorry, this happened to me many years ago and it was hell. Things will get better, you will build your life up again and make new friends. At the moment it just feels agonising and as if you will never get past all the hurt and betrayal. I won't lie and say that building a new life will be effortless and easy but I am sure you will get there. What I did find was that I was left with lasting trust issues and I have built a certain hardness around my heart so that I have never been hurt like that again or maybe I know that whatever happens I managed to survive that terrible time. This will change you forever, I know it did me, but one day you will look back and be proud that you survived

DeflatedAgain · 21/05/2023 16:23

I lost all my friends when I broke up with ExP. I have a couple of newer friends, which I don't see that much but I'm much happier now.

In hindsight they weren't really my friends at all.

It will get easier with time, you're better off.

Original poster
lostthemall · 21/05/2023 16:26

Sorry but it feels selfish. Do you know how humiliating it feels to be the last one to find out? But I guess their personal comfort was much more important. Must be nice for them to sit there smiling knowing I thought I was doing ok with exH while everyone knows he was out shagging around.

OP posts:
saraclara · 21/05/2023 16:29

lostthemall · 21/05/2023 16:26

Sorry but it feels selfish. Do you know how humiliating it feels to be the last one to find out? But I guess their personal comfort was much more important. Must be nice for them to sit there smiling knowing I thought I was doing ok with exH while everyone knows he was out shagging around.

I get that it's humiliating, and thank goodness I've not been on either end of this to know what I'd do.
But a pp is right when she says Your friends were damned if they did and damned if they didn't.
Telling someone can go very badly, so it's not something that anyone would do lightly unless they were your very best friend for decades and were 100% certain that they wouldn't lose your friendship if they told you.

whynotwhatknot · 21/05/2023 16:33

So ever single one knew?

are they joint friends? i can see how awkward it is but to say to you dont worry about your relationship when you was worried was out of order

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 21/05/2023 16:35

I wouldn’t be too sure that they are smiling. I bet some of them are thinking, ‘thank heavens @lost found out, now we don’t have to sit here nodding and smiling while that bastard shags around. ‘

honeybeetheoneandonly · 21/05/2023 16:40

OP, you thought things were generally ok. How would you have reacted if a friend had said "lovely coffee and btw your husband is cheating on you"? Would you have believed it? It's easy to look back now and consider them all bastards and how could they not have told you. But knowing or thinking you know a friend's partner is cheating on them is a very shitty scenario to be in. As the wife I would want to know. As the friend I wouldn't want to be the one saying something.

FabFitFifties · 21/05/2023 16:41

I wouldn't write off your friends - they were in a horrible position. I'd judge them on how supportive they are now - they might come up trumps and be the friends you need.