Lost DH and all my friends

[lostthemall]

Currently in a middle of a divorce. I'm more relieved than anything because towards the end I suspected something was up but was always told that I was paranoid or insecure.

Last week I found out that all my friends knew for months but collectively decided not to say anything to me because they didn't know what to say and that it was never the right time. What kind of fucking friends are these? They sat there watching me gush about STBXH and talk about our future plans. I was planning our 5th anniversary surprise trip FFS. How can they sit there smiling and suggesting things to do and hotels we can stay at when they knew he was off screwing someone else? I sat there talking about how insecure I was about the relationship because he was distant and they told me I had nothing to be insecure about and that he loves me. It's like I lost everyone overnight. Maybe the anger and sadness will come but for now it feels like I'm all alone again.

Good on you. And good on you for kicking the cowardly scumbag to the curb. He’s the arsehole here, but your friends have sided with him, which was shitty.

Unless they are literally in tears, feeling guilty as fuck, they’d be on the trash heap with the STBEXH.

I've been in your situation - twice - and you're right, it multiplies the betrayal. All my sympathy

The only time I've made the conscious effort to break the news to a friend, she had no idea and was on the verge of a complicated marriage that would have changed her future options. She was fantastic, actually. She checked for herself and recognised how much courage it took! Best of all, she called it off & threw him out.

But ... my only female friend from childhood is no longer a friend, and I had no idea whether her husband was cheating! She raised her concerns, I talked it through with her and said that, when it comes down to it, she should trust her instincts. I very likely told her that, since she wasn't normally insecure in her marriage and now she was, her instinct was probably right to some degree at least. In her mind, this translated to "Garlic tried to break up my marriage" She's irreplaceable and, while this does tell me something unpleasant about the person she is, I wish I'd just made insincerely comforting noises.

I did keep quiet in another situation, where I was more the husband's friend than the wife's, and I knew he was going to tell her himself. I made it clear that I wouldn't cover for them, I'd just not answer any awkward questions.

Your friends, @lostthemall, should have known whether you were likely to choose him and hate them, or listen to their warning and analyse it with them. But then, I've known Friend 2 all my life and didn't anticipate her reaction. If they'd asked others' advice, it would have been to keep quiet

I would do it again. What you're going through is horrible and, if there's a chance of saving a friend from this further humiliation, I'd risk losing her. But that is the risk! Maybe just hate them for now, but keep the door open.

Wishing you the best.

Or maybe they don't have any respect for OP and were supporting her ex. Otherwise why cover for him and have fun at her expense?

What an unpleasant mind you have! What on earth would make you jump to the bizarre conclusion that they were having fun at her expense? It says everything about you and nothing about anyone else.

Trust me, you're a bad friend!

Nope, evidence suggests otherwise. But I have learned to take the long view and not speak without thinking what harm it may do.

Why are you asking this? Apart from to be ghoulish?

I agree that it’s wrong of them not to tell you. However I wonder if it was a mixture them thinking that you didn’t want to know and being not sure how to tel you because they were not able to prove it with facts photos etc. Also how long they knew? Maybe at least some of them has not got enough time to tell you.

That’s absolutely awful OP. I am so sorry.

Have they gone silent? I know my friends would tell me. Are these really close friends? How devastating.

When a lot younger I heard a friend's dh had shagged someone on the coach at his stag do. I always regret not telling her but she wasn't a close friend amd her close friends knew! Their dhs were on the coach. She's still with the dh eons later.

If it was a close friend I'd risk the friendship and tell.

That's a good point about evidence, @pizzaHeart. With my friend who took it on the chin, I could tell her to look for a few specific things and she thought of some more by herself.

All the same, it should be possible to say "I'm sorry you're so concerned, and I can't honestly tell you not to worry ..."

The fact that it's so difficult might have something to do with socially ingrained preference for the male, even if he is a lying scumbag.

You are in a lot of pain right now OP - and yes, it’s utterly humiliating when you find out you were the last to know. I remember feeling so stupid - like a little child in a world of grown-ups.

But remember it is your ex’s actions that have caused this pain. Your friends have disappointed you - not betrayed you. They will have had their reasons - as people have pointed out, not everyone wants to hear it and often the messenger is seen as shit-stirrer - if the couple reconcile they are the ones who are frozen out. It’s a horrible position to be put in (by your ex) and they probably told themselves you didn’t want to know. I bet they felt awful and uncomfortable and were probably relieved that it’s all in the open now.

Take some time to heal, let them know how hurt you are by their silence but please don’t jump to conclusions and shut them out - you need support now and lashing out will just make you lonelier. Be kind to yourself and take care.

This. I am confused now because every single time this topic comes up the advice is always "stay out of it, its none of your business, maybe they have an open relationship" etc etc etc and yet now theyre all shit friends?

You honestly cant bloody win.

Or maybe OP should read all those threads where people say they told someone they were being cheated on and got a 'blame the messenger' response.

I'm sorry this has happened. It's so shit.

Just wondering if your friends could have reassured you about your husband before one of them saw him with the OW perhaps? Also, they might have felt seeing him on one occasion with another woman wasn't enough evidence to go to you with? I would want to be 100% sure before telling my friend & potentially destroying her marriage. They may have been in agonies not knowing what to do for the best. I would speak to them about it xx

Yes I can identify with this although it happened many many years ago when I was a teenager. All the wankers I thought were friends knew about the Tosser I was seeing cheating on me over and over. It DOES change you. You are never as trusting again but that’s not such a bad thing.

I agree if there's any friends you'll miss to talk. The friend who's dh shagged on the bus is still best friends with someone who knew. They just didn't want to cause her hurt.

This. It’s bloody awful when you find out other people knew.

Exactly the same thing happened to me. All our/my so called friends didn't tell me either. They didn't want to get involved or be disloyal to their mate! Not sure what the women's excuse was but similar I guess. Same as after the divorce I was isolated, he was slightly but less than me. I eventually moved away and occasionally catch up with them online but inside I've never forgiven any of them.

I personally wouldn't tell a friend incase it was totally wrong but neither would I say how amazing he was if I thought I possibly knew different. Ones I know in my circle who have said something end up being the bad guy and the cheater awesome and wife didn't believe anyway. There both divorced now but friendships were lost and people taking sides etc was horrid.

@lostthemall, I've been where you are. You've had plenty of comments about your 'friends', but I wanted to mention your feeling of humiliation - I was completely embarrassed when I found out what XH had been doing and like you, felt totally humiliated and also ashamed. I found it very helpful to be open with other people, recognising that this was his shame not mine - I was the one trying to hold our marriage together, whilst being clueless as to why he was behaving the way he was.

Something like that happened to a girl I knew. She wasn't my friend, but we got along very well. Her husband abandoned her, supposedly because she was very jealous.(she had reason to think the things she thought) and deep down we all knew that he had abandoned her for her lover (whom we also knew and nobody said anything) I personally didn't want to meddle in these matters. Until one day when she organized a meal with "her friends" and with me, between glasses of wine the topic came up. She didn't know if she was wrong in being that jealous, and blaming herself for everything. The friends even knowing the truth encouraged her to get her husband back, so I was indignant and blurted out all i knew. I also added that many of the women present knew it and not only didn't say anything, but also encouraged the girl to go back to him... How can there be people like that?

Of course, a scandal broke out, in which I looked good with the girl, but bad with the others, with the lover and with the husband. Which I didn't care about, until the moment she decided to go back to him. That was where I learned never to get involved in matters of this type again. I'm not saying it's your case but maybe I can understand your friends.

I see what they did as a betrayal too. Clearly they valued their comfort or position in the friendship more than they valued not letting me humiliate myself. I get that it's self-preservation but it's selfish. Do you know how long I spent thinking that it was my bloody fault that he was so distant? It is so degrading bending over backwards for someone to make up for my 'paranoia' only to find out it wasn't paranoia in the first place and they knew for MONTHS. He may have hurt me but they helped with them choosing to hide it from me.

@lostthemall wow. I am so sorry.

They had every opportunity to do the right thing and tell you the truth instead of trying to mask it.

Now, you are not humiliated. Seriously.

Think about it as if you were on the outside looking in.

Would you think badly of the trusting, loving, normal person who was deceived and hurt by a true skank like your h? I wouldn't. I would think bad things about the lying cheater but not feel pity for the 'victim'. Perhaps outrage and concern. I would just be appalled and amazed at the rotten core of the cheater.

In terms of your future, you can simply be icily civil to these people but you move on. You find new decent people. All power to you.

Hi OP,
I think your friends might not have been sure. You say a friend saw him with someone and told another friend and word got around. Obviously we don’t know exactly what they saw but perhaps you do.

Yes if your partner was smooching/snogging/touching then I hope they would tell you but walking with a female/having a drink/having a meal etc - it could have been anyone a colleague/old mate etc.

Knowing your partner was cheating is one thing but pretty different to a friend telling you “Kath saw Jake having a drink with a woman”…. which there could be a million perfectly ordinary reasons for and the person would come across as a petty gossip/shit stirer. Perhaps, although they might have wondered, they only know the significance of what they saw in hindsight.

I’m sorry that you are going through this, but a note of caution about your friends;
I was in my dream job, straight from Uni, and made friends with a lovely older woman in the office. One Saturday at dusk, I was running across the park and I saw her car and went towards it, inside, her husband of 20 years was ‘heavily involved’ with someone else.

My parents told me to keep quiet about it, as no good would come from being the person who told her.
I told her, she never spoke to me again, and I had to leave my amazing job because she told everyone I was lying about it because I fancied him, so my life became unbearable.
On reflection I wish I had kept my mouth shut, I’d have stayed in my job and been there for her when the truth came out.
Maybe your friends felt like this? Have they been there for you since you found out?

Oh I'm so sorry, I thought your friends might have been the ones to finally tell you 😞

I've been there, it sucks, I also had to find out the hard way like you.

I really hope you're feeling okay, you've made some incredibly strong and tough decisions. But you can do this.

Please take care, it will get easier. X