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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Lost DH and all my friends

105 replies

lostthemall · 21/05/2023 14:29

Currently in a middle of a divorce. I'm more relieved than anything because towards the end I suspected something was up but was always told that I was paranoid or insecure.

Last week I found out that all my friends knew for months but collectively decided not to say anything to me because they didn't know what to say and that it was never the right time. What kind of fucking friends are these? They sat there watching me gush about STBXH and talk about our future plans. I was planning our 5th anniversary surprise trip FFS. How can they sit there smiling and suggesting things to do and hotels we can stay at when they knew he was off screwing someone else? I sat there talking about how insecure I was about the relationship because he was distant and they told me I had nothing to be insecure about and that he loves me. It's like I lost everyone overnight. Maybe the anger and sadness will come but for now it feels like I'm all alone again.

OP posts:
Original poster
lostthemall · 21/05/2023 16:41

whynotwhatknot · 21/05/2023 16:33

So ever single one knew?

are they joint friends? i can see how awkward it is but to say to you dont worry about your relationship when you was worried was out of order

One of them saw him with one of the OW, told another friend in the group. Friend 2 sent him a message telling him that friend 1 saw him with the woman and he probably should stop but she won't tell me cause it's 'none of my (referring to herself) business'. I don't know how but somehow the rest of the friend group knew and last week confessed that they didn't know what to say. These were all my friends that knew him afterwards so it's not even like they were all his mates first and foremost.

OP posts:
Tiredskin · 21/05/2023 16:41

If you look through old mumsnet threads you'll see thousands of people advising friends to stay out of it. I think it's terrible advice but it will show you that it doesn't mean they didn't care about you. It's a horrible symptom of our individualistic culture

Freefall212 · 21/05/2023 16:42

Unfortunately that is the advice often given on here time after time - do not tell the betrayed spouse that they are being cheated on. It is a slim minority who thinks the person has a right to know that their spouse is cheating.

Original poster
lostthemall · 21/05/2023 16:44

honeybeetheoneandonly · 21/05/2023 16:40

OP, you thought things were generally ok. How would you have reacted if a friend had said "lovely coffee and btw your husband is cheating on you"? Would you have believed it? It's easy to look back now and consider them all bastards and how could they not have told you. But knowing or thinking you know a friend's partner is cheating on them is a very shitty scenario to be in. As the wife I would want to know. As the friend I wouldn't want to be the one saying something.

I was suspicious and insecure about the relationship because he was distant but THEY were the one who convinced me that he was probably stressed with work and that it's bloody nothing. It's not like these people don't know me. I am very vocally against cheating it's not like the topic has never come up over the years and it's a big red line for me. We don't have kids and I'm not dependent on him so there's not even the possibility of some head in the sand moment for me.

OP posts:
DeflatedAgain · 21/05/2023 16:46

How did you find out OP? Did they tell you in the end?

Really feel for you. 💐

SilverPeacock · 21/05/2023 16:47

I would always tell a close friend but unfortunately the two times I have seeen this happen in my life the messenger has been ‘shot’. So I understand why people are cautious about being the messenger.

whynotwhatknot · 21/05/2023 16:47

such a shame-not their place even though they saw him with her

nah i couldnt forgive that either

SilverPeacock · 21/05/2023 16:49

Activity telling you not to worry is pretty unforgivable

Peachy2005 · 21/05/2023 16:49

I would rather be the messenger who gets shot but have a clear conscience, if I were your friends. I mean, they’ve lost your friendship now anyway through not doing the right thing. If they had told you, they would also have risked losing the friendship but they might not have and at least they would have done the right thing. I can’t believe not a single one among them was prepared to do the decent thing…so sad but you’re better off without friends like these!

Tell your mum…you need someone on your side xx

lifesabitchandthenyoudie · 21/05/2023 16:49

I guess you know now who your friends are. I had similar; when I finally got up the courage to leave the abusive bastard some people from a certain group we were both 'in' with said 'oh yeah we knew he was'. Walked away from them all and never looked back. I found myself some proper friends, and you will too x

My3dahliasarebloominlovely · 21/05/2023 16:49

I'm sorry you are going through this OP. I once told a very close friend her partner was playing away. I agonized how to do it the kindest way. I was dumped as a friend. She eventually married him,then divorced him, but our friendship was gone forever. The chances are that your friends did not want to risk this.

whynotwhatknot · 21/05/2023 16:53

coward comes to mind though oh they didnt want to risk a friendship when they had bloody proof of it and then said there was no need to worry about her relationship

YouJustDoYou · 21/05/2023 16:54

They were actively colluding to hide not only the affair, but didn't give a shit about your health, in case you got a nasty disease from him etc. All to protect him.

Original poster
lostthemall · 21/05/2023 16:56

DeflatedAgain · 21/05/2023 16:46

How did you find out OP? Did they tell you in the end?

Really feel for you. 💐

Honestly, I snooped. Not proud of it but I saw that someone had sent him a nude photo and he immediately closed his messaging app and I had enough.

OP posts:
Whiskeypowers · 21/05/2023 16:56

I’d rather lose a friend and be true to myself in this context. I could never sit by and let that happen to a friend of mine when I knew she was being cheated on @lostthemall so completely understand your anger and sense of betrayal.

KittyAlfred · 21/05/2023 16:58

i expect they all read MN which tells people to mind their own business.

Wheresthebeach · 21/05/2023 17:00

It’s so hard OP and I get your anger. But my advice would be to channel all your anger at your X and recognise that you’re friends were in a difficult situation (not of their making).

Naunet · 21/05/2023 17:00

saraclara · 21/05/2023 16:29

I get that it's humiliating, and thank goodness I've not been on either end of this to know what I'd do.
But a pp is right when she says Your friends were damned if they did and damned if they didn't.
Telling someone can go very badly, so it's not something that anyone would do lightly unless they were your very best friend for decades and were 100% certain that they wouldn't lose your friendship if they told you.

Show quote history

Sorry but I agree with OP, it’s cowardly bullshit. If you don’t tell because you’re so scared the wife would turn on you, why do you think it would be any better when they find out the truth?
You tell because of your own morals, because you can’t sit and lie to someone’s face, because you care about doing the right thing, not because you weigh up what’s best for your own relationship with the person.

Quveas · 21/05/2023 17:02

I totally get where you are coming from OP. My first husband cheated on me with my best friend who had come to stay with me (after I threw him out) because I had thrown him out for cheating with someone else! Friends can be awful.

But... it's bloody hard to know what to do when you know something, you have no real idea about whether that other person knows, or whether they actually want to know, or even whether they will turn on you for telling them the bad news.

I wouldn't write them off yet (unless one of them is sleeping with him!) just because they didn't tell you. Leaving that aside, are the supportive and on side anyway? After all - they didn't have to tell you that they knew, and you'd have been none the wiser, so they had the courage to be honest with you, even if it was a bit late in your book.

CrackerAndPudding · 21/05/2023 17:02

Honestly in most scenarios I can see the friends point of view but not here. You specifically told them you felt insecure and that he was being distant and they assured you it was nothing to worry about, likely work. They gaslit you, and it was at the very point they could have at least nudged you in the right direction. I've been the friend, found an appropriate moment and said something so know it's a hard conversation to have.

I'm so sorry OP. You're well shot of him in any case. Do you have any other friends/friendship groups you can lean on?

Mari9999 · 21/05/2023 17:07

OP, often friends like both of you and do not wish to have to take a stand or choose a corner. Not everyone welcomes this type of outside infusion into their personal relationships.

If this affair was widely known within your circle, they qmight rightly have thought that you knew as well.

Your friends may wish to recognize your pain and to be emotionally supportive of you , but not all of them will want to be involved in or privy to whatever acrimony that will likely evolve during the process. Those feelings are better selectively shared and family members are often the best audience for that kind of sharing.

Keep reminding yourself that you were capable and confident before you meet him, and that you will be that same person without him.

TonTonMacoute · 21/05/2023 17:12

Of course you are fuming with your friends, but having been in that situation a few years ago do not imagine that anyone was taking pleasure in it or wanted to hurt you.

Sitting listening to someone you are fond of telling you how wonderful their lovely partner is, when you know that they are not is a horrible feeling.

The thing is sometimes relationships can come back from that, especially if the wronged party never finds out about it. How would a friend feel if they were the one who spilt the beans?

It is not easy to know what to do, but you probably really need to vent at the moment, and you are the one who is suffering the most.

MsCactus · 21/05/2023 17:13

I know someone who found out about a friend's husband's affair and immediately told the wife...

It ended terribly. The husband denied it, so did the other woman, the wife took his side and everyone ostracised her and said she was making stories up for attention.

So I don't think it's your friends fault for not telling you tbh. For all you know they could've been telling your husband that it's not on and he HAS to tell you immediately.

I can see why you're hurt - but everytime I've seen friends do this the husband has denied it and the wife has then turned on them.

I'm not saying you would have done that, but a lot of people would. It's up to your DP to tell you!

Italiangreyhound · 21/05/2023 17:16

I'm so sorry that your friends were not able to share the truth with you.

To be honest, I think people may have hoped that he would change his mind and feared if they told you that they would prematurely end the marriage. Can you talk to any of your friends one on one and find out why they did not tell you?

GP75 · 21/05/2023 17:16

TheYearOfSmallThings · 21/05/2023 16:13

I would not tell most of my friends if their husbands were cheating, because the messenger gets shot, while the cheater is forgiven (nominally at least). Many women know perfectly well that their husband is probably cheating, but they either don't care enough to disrupt their marriage and lifestyle, or turn a blind eye for their children's sake. And things often settle down in the long term once the husband gets through his midlife crisis.

I don't think this makes me a bad friend. In some cases the person who runs to tell you that kind of news is the one who has no concern for you. I wouldn't fall out with your friends unless they are actually taking his side, and nothing you have said indicates that.

Trust me, you're a bad friend!