Lost DH and all my friends

[lostthemall]

Currently in a middle of a divorce. I'm more relieved than anything because towards the end I suspected something was up but was always told that I was paranoid or insecure.

Last week I found out that all my friends knew for months but collectively decided not to say anything to me because they didn't know what to say and that it was never the right time. What kind of fucking friends are these? They sat there watching me gush about STBXH and talk about our future plans. I was planning our 5th anniversary surprise trip FFS. How can they sit there smiling and suggesting things to do and hotels we can stay at when they knew he was off screwing someone else? I sat there talking about how insecure I was about the relationship because he was distant and they told me I had nothing to be insecure about and that he loves me. It's like I lost everyone overnight. Maybe the anger and sadness will come but for now it feels like I'm all alone again.

Your friends are cowards, and by not telling you they were protecting a dishonest and deceitful man. I would always, always, tell because I would sure as hell want to know, and as you are feeling now, your friends have been incredibly disrespectful by not treating you with the honour of being honest with you. If the friendship doesn’t survive then it isn’t a worthy friendship in the first place. If your friends knew a loved one was stealing from you, you’d expect them to tell you, so why would some people accept their friends lying by omission? It just adds insult to injury. They’re no better than the cheater, in the end.

I don’t agree with some on here that is snake behaviour. They should have told you very untrustworthy and unloyal

I’d always accept being shot as a messenger over allowing someone I care about to waste their precious days on someone cheating on them with all the nasty that entails (risk of STIs, right to informed sexual consent, personal agency robbed). I’m a good friend, even if it could possibly mean losing that friendship.

Im so sorry you’ve been betrayed by your husband and your friends. You deserve better in both departments.

Things will get better. Huge unmumsnetty hug!

So not only did they not tell you the truth, the friends actively discouraged your suspicions, passing them off as his work stress etc?

Truly sorry to hear this. Sending you love.

Don’t be angry with your friends, be angry with your husband.

@InBedBy10
''I know you're angry but your friends were in an impossible position.''

No they were not.

They just needed the guts to do the right thing.

If you are truly someone's friend you are not going to let them be deceived in this way or want to play along with the lies.

Back to you OP: I would cut them off and focus on building a new life. They have shown you that they didn't have your back when it mattered.

I’ve made the mistake of empathizing with and supporting a friend when she complained about her husband and when she reconciled with him they were both furious with me and the relationship never recovered. I am not sure I would ever intercede in a relationship again—other than in the case of abuse or flagrant infidelity amounting to public abuse. People often express doubts or problems about their relationship but Im not their therapist or the fact police and I don’t think that it is my role to assign blame to one or the other person. What is between them is between them.

It's so patronising not even giving me the chance to make an informed decision. Everyone knows better than silly old me. I have always put people I love first sometimes at the expense of myself but more fool me!

Op, it happened to my best friend (I was not living in the same country at the time, so I didn't know what was going on). She was very hurt by the silence of their mutual so-called friends, who all knew that her husband was having an affair, while she was bending over backwards trying to save the marriage.

She recovered from that double blow, left all the losers behind and now has many solid friends, who value, respect and love her. It took her a while to get there, but she is really in a good place now. So, just hang in there!

I remember that shit conversation. All I got was some bullshit about how I 'shouldn't jump to the worst conclusions' and that maybe he's stressed at work, everyone's having a hard time these days etc crap. Not even a hint. Was a great bloody time to tell me about what they know but why would anyone want to disturb the peace!!

Sorry but the "friends" you had were not real friends. You've just made space for new, real friends to come in. Quality over quantity. Grieve the time wasted, grieve for the love you gave, the energy you invested in the relationship. Cry your heart out, but after that get up, tie your hair up and get cracking on building a life that is 100 times more meaningful and you WILL find someone better. Best of luck and big hugs to you!

Sorry I reread some of my messages and they're snappier than I intend them to be.

I can totally understand why you are hurt and feel betrayed. However, whilst they might not have known what to say or how to say it (or how you'd react) they probably do not feel any respect for him. Knowing you were organising a trip for your anniversary and knowing how he was behaving just shows him in his true colours. I'd encourage you to give at least some of them another chance.

Thank you for all your kind messages — I really appreciate them.

They are not really friends. I would message them all to say how disappointed you are by their shitty attitude, and move on to meet new people.
But I bet most of them would love Mumsnet, over here everyone will tell you to mind your business whenyou know someone is cheating...

I'm so sorry this has happened to you and you have every right to be angry. It's the very reason I'd absolutely without question tell a friend is something was off - regardless of how it was taken. It's the lies that always stay with you and having been in a similar situation myself many years on that's still what hurts most. They are not your friends, a true friend would tell you surely!! Stringing you along like that is cruel and those are not the people you need in your life. I wish you all the best for your future happiness without these people and of course your cheating not so dear H. Much love x

Or maybe they don't have any respect for OP and were supporting her ex. Otherwise why cover for him and have fun at her expense?

I was one of those friends OP, only in my case I decided to tell my friend what was going on. We had been friends for years, her husband was cheating and everybody seemed to know but her. My partner at the time and other mutual friends said to keep out of it, suggested she probably already knew or had her suspicions. One day, I told her. Her husband wanted them to relocate to Scotland from London, away from her family and friends. He had confided in the husband of another friend that the OW had been offered a job there and he wasn't prepared to let her go. That's when I felt that I needed to speak up - before she turned her life upside down to relocate. Sadly, we haven't spoken since. They didn't move, but they did stay together, she forgave him and decided to try again. She wanted children, and didn't feel ready to start again with someone lese (she was 38 at the time). Unfortunately she didn't just decide to stay with him, but took her anger out on me - suddenly I was spiteful, nasty, jealous, etc. What annoys me is that she has been able to 'forgive' the friends who stayed quiet and said nothing.

No I get how angry you are and your friends should have watched out for you. My mantra is these situation is don't tell (you are the messenger, you will get shot) but I would never pretend either. So in your situation, had I been there, I would have told you rather than lie to your face about it (and probably get shot for it but at least I was honest about it).

@lostthemall

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I feel I'd be a 'tell and be damned' friend. If I lost the friendship, at least I'd have peace knowing I did the right thing according to my conscience.

You've said that you 'gushed' about your DH and your future together but that you also told them you felt 'insecure'. It's hard to know what they may have felt was your real emotion. Even as a 'tell and be damned' person I'd find it a lot easier to be confirming someone's suspicions (ie their 'insecurity' about the relationship) than I would to be blowing their 'perfect' marriage apart (ie the gushing).

Do you think your female friends were pressured into silence by their partners? Not that that makes it right, but it's something to think about. There are men out there who have the attitude of 'The Bro Code' and that bullshit. And many of them would pressure the women in their lives to say nothing. So then it becomes a choice for them, not of 'your STBX vs you', but of 'you vs their partners'. A real rock and a hard place.

If I were on the 'receiving end' I think I could possibly forgive them saying nothing considering the above, but it would be nearly impossible to forgive friends telling me I had 'nothing to worry about' when they knew that I had plenty!!!

It is a difficult position to be in.
Telling someone their DH has an affair is rather damning.
Also, you may think someone has an affair, but how to be sure? Maybe you have spotted them dining with someone else or around with someone else, but at least you see them making out, who can say for sure? Maybe they are just good friends.
If I knew or had high suspicions that someone's DH was cheating, I would encourage them to trust their gut if they shared concerns with me. I would not say "or he loves you, you have nothing to worry about", if I knew different. That is a betrayal on its own right.
I hope life brings you better friends and a better partner OP. 💐

It's awful OP. A member of my family was also cheated on. She told me what hurt even more (and made her feel stupid and embarrassed) was that ALL Her close friends knew this and didn't say a thing. They were her friends too, not the husband's.
And I don't get that "shoot the messenger" nonsense. If it's an acquaintance or work colleague I can understand, but to not tell a close friend? I'd never be able to sit and watch, especially seeing them feeling insecure and obliviously planning romantic trips! Never for a close friend.

I’m really sorry. I’ve been in a similar position a long time ago and it’s horrible.

I was going to say if it’s acquaintances I might cut them some slack as it’s a very difficult position to be in.

But the fact you raised concerns and they actively diverted you to another conclusion out of spinelessness is really shabby. I don’t think I could forgive this.

Wow that is really shit

If they've otherwise been good friends I'd have it out with them. Explain how hurt you are that they made excuses for him and encouraged you in the relationship when they knew. Their response will tell you whether it's worth forgiving them or not.