Should husband do equal share of childcare tasks even though he earns more

[AminaJ]

My husband and I don't yet have kids. The other day I said that if we have a child and I later go back to work part-time, I would hope that we'd share out childcare tasks equally for the days I'm working (e.g. changing nappies in the night).

He replied that because he's the high earner and has a more stressful job, he needs to be on better form in the office than I do - so he shouldn't be expected to do half.

He is a lawyer and earns 5x as much as me. Our working hours are about the same - though he maybe works a couple of hours more each day. My job is in Government policy - it's not highly paid because it's public sector, but I want to do a good job and it's sometimes stressful.

There is I guess a bit of logic to his position. But I was concerned when he said it and wondered how many other people hold this view?

(I posted about my husband the other day about a separate but related issue - so this guy will sound familiar to some of you!)

Oh god, don’t have children with a man who is already this selfish. He will get worse, not better.

He is being unreasonable. He should be doing 50% on the days that you are both working or neither are working.

It's good that he's being honest about this now because many men would just drift into parenthood with this attitude. Listen to him and make any future decisions with this at the forefront of your mind. If you are sick or unable to work presumably he will do no housework.

Nobody sits down until we all sit down, and unless you feel that with his massive salary he is buying you as a childcarer, cleaner, cook and general life PA then the answer is yes, you should have an equal household.

Tell him that the bus that leaves for 1957 is about to depart if he wants to hop on. Honestly OP if this is what he's happy to divulge about his position, it will be 100 x worse in reality. Don't do it, heed my warning.

He actually said that he needs to be on better form in the office than you? Fucking hell!

Yes

If he sees raising a dc as a task he would rather opt out of he isn't worth having a dc with surely?

He won’t be an equal parent. I am imagine this will also be a guy who on your non-working days expects a clean and tidy house with a cooked meal even though you’ll have been wrestling a toddler all day.

DH earns more than I do and I reduced my hours slightly. I do the childcare on my non-working day while he is at work. Otherwise he is expected to do 50/50. That includes nursery drop off/pick up, cleaning, cooking, bedtimes, nappies, laundry and doing his fair share of dropping his work when child is sent home from nursery.

I am a SAHP married to a surgeon. He does more than half of the childcare when he's not at work because he is an equal parent and recognises that I need a break (I use that time to do chores without little "helpers" with me).

I would not have children with a man who told me in advance that he thought his Big Important Job meant that I was his servant and should this take in some of his share of the drudge work.

Take this warning from him to mean that he will never take time off work to look after the baby and that he will not be supporting your career when you go back to work. Major red flag that you need to notice.

Does he currently do half of the housework or does he pull the earning more than you card ?

He's telling you who he is so I'd believe it and seriously consider whether you want to have a child with him. It should be 50:50 parenting and chores when neither of you are working and equal downtime.

If he works longer hours (by necessity rather than choice!) I guess it's fair for him to do slightly less but you should both have a similar amount of downtime.

Also not fair for him to hang around at work stretching his hours out because it's less stressful pulling a late night at the office and getting the glory whilst you have to rush around doing kid pickup, dinner bath and bed just because he's "still at work"

If he's just saying he has more right to be well rested than you for work and that means him having a lovely sit down after work whilst you run around in your equal time off doing all the childcare and housework.....then he can fuck right off?

What he wants is a housekeeper and nanny. Perhaps with his big important job, he can pay for them. Don’t marry him or have children with him. He sounds like a (k)nob.

It’s really good that you found this out in advance

I did not and when our child turned out to have significant additional needs guess who was left run ragged with the care (he then left me for someone else!)

This nails it. You won't get better advice.

I think the idea of having "equal leisure time" is a good one.

If DH works a couple of extra hours in a working day than you do, then I don't think it should be 50/50 - it should be adjusted to allow for this.

How much he earns is immaterial.

I'm currently pregnant with my first baby, and I am the main earned in our household.

My partner and I work as a team with current household responsibilities with whoever is available / less exhausted doing things like cleaning or cooking or other chores and errands. When baby comes we'll do the same.

If he feels he earns alot and therefore doesn't have capacity to physically help I'd suggest he gets you a nanny for in home support to take the burden off you to solely be responsible!

I am currently on maternity leave with baby. Husband does majority of bath times and bed times with our toddler. He works all day while I am at home. He does this because A. being at home is work B. he is a parent and he should parent every day not just in the weekend and C. You got to put effort in to get that bond between parent and child.

My eldest has a terrible relationship with his dad. His father always prioritised work and was too tired in evenings or weekends.

Truly it’s great that you have had this conversation before having children

If you will be at home slightly more than he is you'll already being doing slightly more than him anyway. Therefore when you are both home together it's 50/50.

That's how it is in our house. I earn more. Husband works more hours. But we both decided to have kids so we split it 50/50 as much as possible.

I’m a SAHM and my husband still does 50/50 after 5pm and on weekends. Sometimes more. He also does a ‘big serious man job’ which blokes on here use as a reason to shirk.

He knows my day job is DD, and whatever I can get done whilst she naps is a bonus. He sees the value in my unpaid labour, and his views on respecting child-rearing was clear when we were dating which is why I was v happy for the relationship to progress. We’re a team.

i definitely wouldn’t be having kids with someone who saw the woman as the more natural household appliance because she earned less and deemed her job less important than his own.

there is no logic to his position. He’s not a fucking pilot who could kill someone at work. And even then, that just would encourage him to bed early. It wouldn’t prevent him from unloading the dishwasher or putting the washing out at 7pm.

he’s selfish. And he’s letting you know that.

don’t be surprised when it’s all on you. He’s made it clear!

You can't pay yourself out of looking after your own children (well, you can - but that's called having a Nanny!).

Giant red flag. I would not be having children with anyone who copped out of any hands on responsibility with their child before even having any.

Also, I don't agree with his logic...it has nothing to do with earning value, the sharing of childcare should be based on time. So if you were the higher earner and you both worked the same hours, he'd happy get up and do all the night time stuff? I doubt it.

As someone who was a SAHM for years, I feel that being home with the children is much more taxing and mentally and emotionally exhausting than the parent that leaves the house to attend paid work and have social interaction with other adults. I feel like the parent that gets physically paid for working outside of the home is actually getting a break compared to the unpaid parent that is doing the work of multiple different jobs that would be paid if you hired other people to them (nanny, clean, cook etc). And when the parent that is working outside of the home returns home, it should then be a joint effort with the kids. Why should he only work 9-5 while you're on with the kids 24-7?

Honestly it's just selfish. My ex never felt he should lift a finger around the house or with the kids because he worked outside the home. Didn't value the fact that I was saving him a very large cut of his income and limiting my own earning potential for all the in home work I did. He'd sleep all weekend and I always had to function on broken up sleep. And now I'm happily divorced. I have no tolerance for lazy selfish twats.

No no no. the amount that one person earns is NOT relevant. What's more relevant is the hours the person works, possibly the level of stress/responsibility etc. Argh. And if he thinks like this now, you're in big trouble so get this all nailed down now or don't have children/divorce.

Truthfully, I do know some families where this IS the way the workload is split but it only works because those are extremely high income households and therefore there is a lot of money to make life easier in the form of cleaners, gardeners, nannies, private schools, large houses etc etc etc. In those families, the women may work P/T or not at all, may earn significantly less (or nothing) and may be overall responsible for all childcare and household tasks but she can access funds to do this in a way that makes her life better/easier - including trips and days out, her own spending etc etc etc.

But for the vast bulk of people in the real world, a man who thinks because he earns more he doesn't have to do s much is probably a recipe for disaster.

What use is his higher salary here? If he says I need to sleep to obtain this salary for our families benefit but I'll pay for help around the house to make up for it then maybe. What benefit will you have from him leaving everything to you and bringing in a big salary that he doesn't share. He probably isn't the kind of person to do it even if he were earning 5x less. What would you be okay with down the line?

Coming at this from a slightly different angle.

I’m was a City lawyer for 20
years. I’d be glad he’s being honest and not drifting into this assuming you will do everything. Stick up for yourself and demand he does as much as he you. You don’t have to accept less than 50/50.

But, be honest with yourself too. He is earning 5/6 of the household income and presumably your family’s (when you have a family) lifestyle will be paid for by his salary. Lose his job and you lose 5/6 of your income. Whose job is more important to keeping a roof over your head and paying for DCs?

Your careers are of equal importance to yourselves and your employers, but you are not equals in earning capacity. Law is a fairly thankless and ruthless profession. Believe me, I know! Won’t go into details here though. Lawyers are paid handsomely for doing “the job” and that means working long hours, or on call, to do the job almost all the time. He’s either going to have to take a step back at work and muck in which means he’s seen as not as committed or else he needs to pay - through the nose - for a lot of professional flexible childcare and domestic support so you can both continue your careers.