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Relationships

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Original poster

Should husband do equal share of childcare tasks even though he earns more

114 replies

AminaJ · 17/05/2023 14:11

My husband and I don't yet have kids. The other day I said that if we have a child and I later go back to work part-time, I would hope that we'd share out childcare tasks equally for the days I'm working (e.g. changing nappies in the night).

He replied that because he's the high earner and has a more stressful job, he needs to be on better form in the office than I do - so he shouldn't be expected to do half.

He is a lawyer and earns 5x as much as me. Our working hours are about the same - though he maybe works a couple of hours more each day. My job is in Government policy - it's not highly paid because it's public sector, but I want to do a good job and it's sometimes stressful.

There is I guess a bit of logic to his position. But I was concerned when he said it and wondered how many other people hold this view?

(I posted about my husband the other day about a separate but related issue - so this guy will sound familiar to some of you!)

OP posts:

BeeDavis · 18/05/2023 08:10

Where the fuck do men get this from? Who tells them that is how it should be? It’s absolutely ridiculous. Earning more money does not excuse him from changing a bloody nappy or tending to his child at night. I actually despair, please do not have a child with this selfish twat. Or in a few years time you will be back here complaining that he doesn’t help with the baby.

saraclara · 18/05/2023 08:19

BeeDavis · 18/05/2023 08:10

Men don't. This man does. He's an aberration, which is why we're all advising OP not to put up with this and to find a decent man.

Myjobisanightmare · 18/05/2023 08:20

I’m married to a big important job man my career has amounted to nothing working nights when the kids were tiny and home all day, term time in the school years when they’re home for a quarter of the year, home for every day they’re off sick or have appointments

it’s great he’s set his stall out beforehand

Paq · 18/05/2023 08:23

Do not have children with him.

monsteramunch · 18/05/2023 10:17

toomuchlaundry · 18/05/2023 07:48

You’ve already been warned about buying a house with him on your other thread, why are you discussing kids with him. You know that you will be expected to shoulder all the finances in respect of children too, don’t you

This.

Why on earth are you even considering bringing children into this toxic, horrible relationship?

You'd be mad to stay with him. You'd be selfish and irresponsible to have kids with him.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 18/05/2023 10:28

Based on both threads, he’s a devious, secretive, arrogant prick, and you should sever all ties with him.

Whitebeamtreelover · 18/05/2023 10:36

Kdubs1981 · 18/05/2023 07:34

I would show him this thread.

Unfortunately I think your recent update shows how deeply rooted his misogyny is and what he thinks of a woman's role once children come along. I don't think this will change.

I don’t really get this. Do people actually do this? Say here look at this thread on mumsnet and see what randomers thought, and expect it to sway the person?

if my husband said to me I asked on mumsnet, dadsnet or Reddit and this is what folks think I’d think he’d lost the plot.

the predominant demographic on here would also indicate anyone could have guessed the answers.

perfectcolourfound · 18/05/2023 12:30

I don't know how he's managed to maintain such a well paid job, because he isn't very bright.

There's simply no logic to his position.

So, he's either not very clever OR he knows full well his position makes no sense but is hoping you'll fall for it because he doesn't want to have to do any real parenting / make any real effort in your relationship (ie he thinks of you as a houseshold servant).

Treesnbirds · 18/05/2023 12:58

Aria2015 · 17/05/2023 18:25

This a red flag i'm afraid. Having kids is hard work and introduces a whole new set of responsibilities into a relationship. Loads of couples struggle with this, but it's 100 times harder if one person has the attitude your dh already has, where he thinks him earning more money means he doesn't have to share the new responsibilities of having a child equally. This will just lead to a whole bunch or resentment on your side and imo resentment is like a poison in relationships. Proceed with caution!!

This is really well said.

My friend said "before you have kids, your relationship doesn't need to be 99% strong, it needs to be 110% strong, because the pressure a child adds is so huge." She was so right.

It's tough but I hope you feel able to navigate your way out of this relationship if you want kids yourself ♥️.

aloris · 18/05/2023 13:33

Have you ever heard of "MRA" (men's rights advocate) or "red pill?" It sounds as if this man has been reading material from those groups. Just wondering.

Anyway, based on this and your other thread, I really don't think there is anything you can do to ensure this person treats you in a dignified way if you ever have children with him.

Boomshock · 18/05/2023 15:43

Also having a partner who actually gets involved in parenting their own baby can make the difference between having an absolutely horrific time and seriously struggling or else managing and coping well!

I had pretty easy babies so I was very lucky, but I always knew I had a long lie for at least one day on the weekends and having that to look forward to meant it was a lot easier to cope with lack of sleep during the week.

There are women out there who haven't got a decent nights sleep in months or even years, and their 'partner' wouldn't even give them a break once. Not once! even though it would be like winning the lottery.
The damage it can do to womens mental health and even physical health is huge and some men are happy to let that happen rather than bother to parent. Your husband sounds like he would be one of them.

ZiriForEver · 18/05/2023 16:28

he maybe works a couple of hours more each day If so, it sounds relevant.

In general, fair partnership means equal access to limited resources. It may be spending money, having a say in a holiday selection, having a free time for yourself, having time to sleep.
It doesn't have to be equaled every day, you can have a weekly schedule. Important is to start from this principle and agree it is the goal.

If he isn't able to do his job in while covering his part at home, he needs to agree on some other arrangement, but it can't be just your problem. If you would consider going part-time, fair would be at least to pay into private pension for you.

3girls1boy1puppy · 18/05/2023 16:48

Hell no, do not have children with this man unless he majorly changes that opinion/attitude.
I was a SAHM for 10 years whilst my husband had a very stressful job in the city, 6 figure salary, long hours. But at the weekend everything with the children and the house is 50/50. If he is home from work in time during the week, he gets stuck straight into the bath/book/bed routine with me. Because he loves his children and he knew that being a full-time mum is also very full on and tiring. I now work p/t on a low salary and my husband earns 20 times what I earn…. but he still makes the kids breakfast every morning and unloads the dishwasher while I shower and then I take over while he has a shower and races off to work, we take it in turns to cook every evening, he has a lie-in on a Saturday and I have a lie-in on a Sunday. This is what a normal family with children looks like. You can’t opt out of parenting and adulting just because you earn more money.

3girls1boy1puppy · 18/05/2023 16:51

Or if he insists that he gets out of childcare/housework due to his big salary…… then that big salary can pay for a cleaner and a Nanny.

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