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Original poster

Should husband do equal share of childcare tasks even though he earns more

114 replies

AminaJ · 17/05/2023 14:11

My husband and I don't yet have kids. The other day I said that if we have a child and I later go back to work part-time, I would hope that we'd share out childcare tasks equally for the days I'm working (e.g. changing nappies in the night).

He replied that because he's the high earner and has a more stressful job, he needs to be on better form in the office than I do - so he shouldn't be expected to do half.

He is a lawyer and earns 5x as much as me. Our working hours are about the same - though he maybe works a couple of hours more each day. My job is in Government policy - it's not highly paid because it's public sector, but I want to do a good job and it's sometimes stressful.

There is I guess a bit of logic to his position. But I was concerned when he said it and wondered how many other people hold this view?

(I posted about my husband the other day about a separate but related issue - so this guy will sound familiar to some of you!)

OP posts:
MintJulia · 17/05/2023 14:36

Money has nothing to do with it. Once married, if you truly are a team, all hours and all money go into a pot. You work equal hours regardless of pay and then share the rest of time & child care.

With money, equally you pay in to a pot, pay all the bills, mortgage, pensions and whatever you jointly agree to save, and then split the remainder as fun money.

Your dh isn't looking for an equal partner, he's after a self financing house keeper, nanny and general dogs body, while he continues his bachelor existence. Do not have children with this man.

LeatherSkirt82 · 17/05/2023 14:38

Risking to go against the grain here - I do see some logic in it. I mean - can you survive without his salary? Keep lifestyle you have/want if he loses his job, isn't able to find another quickly - even if you go back to work full time? If the answer is no - I do believe that the breadwinner does need some more wiggle room to ensure they can keep providing and this is where pay check size comes to play.

But no, I do not think his salary means he gets to completely check out of parenting. I just don't think that 50-50 is a reasonable division if the entire family depends on his income.

And I am writing this from a position of a mother AND a breadwinner in my family. DH does have a career but our financial reality means that if our child is sick - he is more likely to take time off than I am (comes down to probably 75-25%), he is more likely to do school run, get up during the night. I do however do all of the admin (school, fees, activities, etc) and we do weekends 100% together (or 50-50), all the mornings until school run and we do 50-50 bed/bath times.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 17/05/2023 14:40

A better question might be him- what would be expect to do?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/05/2023 14:44

Given what you have written about this man on your other current thread re his lack of transparency over finances and money generally re the house deposit, you'd be an absolute idiot to remain married to him. He sees you as a source of money, nothing more than that. I think he targeted you and deliberately so, he saw something in you he can and indeed has exploited to his own ends.

Dedodee · 17/05/2023 14:45

He's not a nice person OP.
Nothing to do with the 50's.
My dgd, in the 40's worked all night shovelling coal into a furnace. When he got home the morning after his last shift of the week he did the weekly wash.
Because he was a good man who adored my gran.
My dh used to work long hours and still cared for our dc when possible and every holiday would insist that I relax whilst he played with the dc as I did most of the childcare all year.
Because he is a good man.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 17/05/2023 14:47

How many read flags does this man need to adorn himself with before you walk away? You've already been advised on the other thread to separate and absoloutley not ttc with him.

gogogoji · 17/05/2023 14:52

Our working hours are about the same - though he maybe works a couple of hours more each day.
So your hours are completely different and he works at least 10 hours a week more than you.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/05/2023 14:57

I think we can all safely bet that the op will ignore everyone's advice and go on to have children with this horrible man.

Some people simply refuse to be helped and will dismiss every single red flag waving in front of them.

Istolethecookies · 17/05/2023 15:02

I would be glad that you found this out before you had a child. I would not want a baby with a partner like that.
Even when I wasn’t working, myself and DP split the childcare and housework equally when he got home, this included getting up in the night too.

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 17/05/2023 15:03

Adding to the chorus above – don't give your children a father who thinks what women do is less important than what men do.

Lcb123 · 17/05/2023 15:03

There’s zero logic to this. Household tasks should be split so each partner has the same amount of free time. Ditto childcare. DH and I don’t have kids yet, and we split 50/50 balanced over time, eg if one of us to work more hours or travel for work, the other will do more housework/cooking but it will balance out the next week or month. I’d serious reconsider if you want to have kids with him

PianoLeGrande · 17/05/2023 15:04

It isn't childcare, that is when you pay someone like a childminder or a nanny what he is talking about is parenting and he is telling you now that he will be opting out so he can do his big important job. Listen when he tells you who he is.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 17/05/2023 15:06

Yeah, don't have kids with him.

I earn several multiples of what my DH earns, and it doesn't appear to have got in the way of me doing my fair share of childcare.

He's a sexist twat.

Beamur · 17/05/2023 15:06

He replied that because he's the high earner and has a more stressful job, he needs to be on better form in the office than I do - so he shouldn't be expected to do half

He fundamentally thinks he's better and more important than you. His time is worth more.
I hope he has some redeeming qualities as this would totally put me off someone.

billy1966 · 17/05/2023 15:11

At 41, he is late enough getting married.

Probably sees it in terms of his career as a box that needed ticking for his public image.

He has changed since you married, which you obviously did far too quickly because he managed to hide so much of himself.

However the truth is emerging that he is a financially slippery twat that has zero interest in any parenting.

He at least is being honest in the arsehole he is.

Many poor women have a couple of children hanging off them before the penny drops as to just what a nasty lazy dud they procreated with.

Becoming untangled at that stage is a long complicated process that inevitably brings the outraged prick out in them.

HTH.

VintedoreBay · 17/05/2023 15:18

I doubt he earns more than you during his non-contracted hours, during his free/personal time, so yes childcare tasks should be shared 50/50 when both you and he are not working your contractual hours.

My DH earns more than me but still shares the patenting responsibility when not at work, all night long included.

gamerchick · 17/05/2023 15:24

In your other thread you painted a prick OP. Don't breed with a prick

Sheselectric88 · 17/05/2023 15:24

What the hell has earnings got to do with anything. I don’t agree with pp who talk about needing to protect his earnings as the breadwinner. You have dc then you god damn raise them regardless of how important you feel you are. Yes you need to earn to put a roof over everyone’s head but you can do both. It should not be an excuse to fail to meet your dc needs. If you can’t effectively parent and work your big job then don’t have dc.
I very much doubt there is a woman in the land who would say or do this.

Just to add, I’m the higher earner in my household with the stressful job, I actually work part time while dh works full time. By your dh despite this I should do less parenting.

you would be an absolute fool to have even with this man. Even if you don’t care about your own worth think about what you would be teaching the dc. Don’t subject them to this rubbish. How will they feel living with a disinterested self indulgent man.

Naunet · 17/05/2023 15:27

Does he actually share his income with you, because from the other thread and the fact you’re paying the full deposit yourself, it doesn’t sound like he does? And if that’s the case, why the hell should you cover his share of childcare just so that he can use the money for himself?

The perk of your job is that you get more free time, which he says you should donate to the family by doing all the childcare.
The perk of his job is more money, which he gets to keep for himself.
isn’t fair is it?
Plus he’s clearly telling you he’s not cut out to be a proper father, whether that’s to do with his job or not. It’s not fair on a child to intentionally give them a shit, selfish, uninvolved father.

MammaTo · 17/05/2023 15:57

If that’s his attitude he can pay for a cleaner or nanny.

Please don’t have kids until you smooth this over. Even if you was a SAHM he should come home from work and help, because when does your job as a SAHM end?

Parenting is a relentless job I’ve found, there’s literally no down time and it has to be both parties helping out.

Goldbar · 17/05/2023 16:09

If he's at work and you're not, clearly you cover the childcare. Outside of work, you should share housework/childcare equally.

If he has the sort of job where he ends up working late/ weekends regularly, then he needs to come to an agreement with you whereby his "time" at home that he is not doing is covered by a nanny/cleaner rather than assuming that you are a 24/7 skivvy who will just do everything in his absence. There are men who use being in the office late to escape the supposed horrors of bedtime/bathtime - if he wants to be one of these, he needs to pay for the privilege.

And you should get some allocation of free hours to cover the damage maternity leave will do to your career prospects... you may find yourself required to put in extra effort at work just to get back to where you were.

Proposing that you do practically everything and he can opt out at will is a really poor solution. If I were you, I'd make him come up with a better one (paid help, wfh 2 days a week, whatever will work...) before I'd even discuss children.

DollyTrolly · 17/05/2023 16:12

Thankfully he has shown you who he is BEFORE you've had children

Goldbar · 17/05/2023 16:12

And if he thinks his money is "his" but your time is "family time", I'd be out like a shot.

saraclara · 17/05/2023 16:23

So this is the guy who said you should show him more 'deference' because of his salary, in the other thread? And now he won't do his share of childcare/housekeeping because he earns more than you?

Your marriage is doomed I'm afraid.

Goldbar · 17/05/2023 16:33

If he had to take a lower-paid job and you were earning more than him, do you think he would suggest that you do less chores/childcare in your non-work hours?