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Original poster

Should husband do equal share of childcare tasks even though he earns more

114 replies

AminaJ · 17/05/2023 14:11

My husband and I don't yet have kids. The other day I said that if we have a child and I later go back to work part-time, I would hope that we'd share out childcare tasks equally for the days I'm working (e.g. changing nappies in the night).

He replied that because he's the high earner and has a more stressful job, he needs to be on better form in the office than I do - so he shouldn't be expected to do half.

He is a lawyer and earns 5x as much as me. Our working hours are about the same - though he maybe works a couple of hours more each day. My job is in Government policy - it's not highly paid because it's public sector, but I want to do a good job and it's sometimes stressful.

There is I guess a bit of logic to his position. But I was concerned when he said it and wondered how many other people hold this view?

(I posted about my husband the other day about a separate but related issue - so this guy will sound familiar to some of you!)

OP posts:
Dotcheck · 17/05/2023 23:06

YRGAM · 17/05/2023 22:33

To add to the post above, there are now two women in this thread who are primary breadwinners making that point. The reality of your financial situation is that if one person earns 150k and the other earns 30k, of course the work of the higher earner should take priority, with the caveat that he shouldn't be able to completely opt out of parenting.

Well, that would work if the husband showed any respect for the OP. This man doesn’t. OP would be putting herself in a financially precarious position with this man.

Dotcheck · 17/05/2023 23:08

OP
Do you feel your time is running out to have kids or something?

Truly, it sounds like this man has messed with your head so much that you don’t know which way is up

Spectre8 · 17/05/2023 23:10

Well how much does he think he should be doing?

And quite frankly if you have that much income coming why wouldn't you outsource some of mundane tasks like cleaning etc. So that any time you both have is on building a good bond with the child.

LadyJ2023 · 17/05/2023 23:14

My hubby other than when at work dives straight into helping with our 3 under 2s when he comes home till they go to bed. He would get up in the night but my choice not to wake him if they play up and anyway on his days off he let's me go nap a few hours and takes them out

tailinthejam · 17/05/2023 23:15

A marriage (or other long term relationship) between two people should be an equal partnership. One should not be superior to the other, just because they earn more money and have a Big Important Job outside the home.

Opentooffers · 17/05/2023 23:17

Does he do his equal share of household tasks now? If not, it's a bad situation already.
The only way that could work is by hiring a cleaner and nanny to do most of it so you get to do as little as he wants to do - sounds like he could afford to hire out his share of responsibilities to the necessary people 😉

NCGrandParent · 17/05/2023 23:25

I think number of hours rather than level of pay is most important if both are office jobs.

Remaker · 17/05/2023 23:26

Being a parent isn’t just a series of jobs/tasks to be done. It’s actually loving/supporting/guiding a human being. Plus the daily grind of keeping them fed, taking them places, etc. You don’t get to buy your way out of parenthood with a big salary.

My husband has always earned more than me and since we had kids I work PT while he is FT. When it comes to household chores when I’m home and he’s at work of course I’m doing house stuff. But once he gets home we share. And when it comes to kids it’s always been 50/50 because he wants to be there as an active parent.

I have a female family member who was the breadwinner in her family and used to spend every weekend either in bed or out with friends as she needed to recharge from her stressful job. She thought this was absolutely fine even though she would have been the first to criticise a man for acting this way. They’re now divorced and she finds it hurtful that her kids are closer to their dad than her, despite the fact that she can provide more material support.

Mangotime · 17/05/2023 23:30

My husband is a lawyer, earns 15 times what I do and we have a cleaner and I only work two days a week and my kids are in school. And still, no one sits down til all sit down and he mucks in just as I do.

piedbeauty · 17/05/2023 23:33

Omg, of course he did.

He's telling you clearly what he thinks and what he will do.

You should both have equal free time when you have a baby. Doesn't sound like he will be on board with this.

CuriousGeorge80 · 17/05/2023 23:33

I (a woman) earn around 8x my partner’s salary. I am also a lawyer, and our lifestyle depends on my income. I do all of the night wakes for our DD (have done since birth).

A lawyer won’t lose their job because they are a bit tired from night wakings - they aren’t operating machinery, and actually city lawyers should be used to operating on little sleep from their training (I should know!)

Salary should be irrelevant in splitting family tasks. What matters is hours of job, flex in job and stuff like that. My job - despite paying more - has a lot more flex than my DP’s job and therefore I also cover a lot of the sick days from nursery, for example.

He is clearly a dickhead. I have worked with quite a few blokes in law firms who stayed on long after they needed to to avoid doing any of the childcare duties at home. Their wives just thought they were busy.

Bargellobitch · 17/05/2023 23:37

Don't have children with this man.

Boomshock · 18/05/2023 00:19

MadeInChorley · 17/05/2023 14:36

Coming at this from a slightly different angle.

I’m was a City lawyer for 20
years. I’d be glad he’s being honest and not drifting into this assuming you will do everything. Stick up for yourself and demand he does as much as he you. You don’t have to accept less than 50/50.

But, be honest with yourself too. He is earning 5/6 of the household income and presumably your family’s (when you have a family) lifestyle will be paid for by his salary. Lose his job and you lose 5/6 of your income. Whose job is more important to keeping a roof over your head and paying for DCs?

Your careers are of equal importance to yourselves and your employers, but you are not equals in earning capacity. Law is a fairly thankless and ruthless profession. Believe me, I know! Won’t go into details here though. Lawyers are paid handsomely for doing “the job” and that means working long hours, or on call, to do the job almost all the time. He’s either going to have to take a step back at work and muck in which means he’s seen as not as committed or else he needs to pay - through the nose - for a lot of professional flexible childcare and domestic support so you can both continue your careers.

She can't demand anything. Well she can. But that doesn't mean he'll do it.
Does this sound like the kind of man who will listen to her demands?

Also it's not true that she doesn't have to accept less than 50/50 because if he chooses to do nothing then he chooses to do nothing, and she can't force him, and she may have to accept doing 100% by herself.

As for the roof over their head, on OPs other thread it's her that's paying for most of the deposit, he earns more and will pay more but he's incredibly evasive about finances and also told her that she should show him deference because he's a high earner and other women would love to be with him.

greenspaces4peace · 18/05/2023 00:56

childcare/housekeeping/life admin/home and vehicle maintenance have zero to do with someone's income.

just because one person earns less they are not by default the slave to the one who earns more.
if you work a 9hr day and the other works the same 9hr day then the tasks that are unpaid but necessary for a smooth and comfortable life need to be done by both people.
babies/breastfeeding etc can make certain aspects difficult to share but both need to be involved in the family dynamics.

eurochick · 18/05/2023 06:39

CuriousGeorge80 · 17/05/2023 23:33

I (a woman) earn around 8x my partner’s salary. I am also a lawyer, and our lifestyle depends on my income. I do all of the night wakes for our DD (have done since birth).

A lawyer won’t lose their job because they are a bit tired from night wakings - they aren’t operating machinery, and actually city lawyers should be used to operating on little sleep from their training (I should know!)

Salary should be irrelevant in splitting family tasks. What matters is hours of job, flex in job and stuff like that. My job - despite paying more - has a lot more flex than my DP’s job and therefore I also cover a lot of the sick days from nursery, for example.

He is clearly a dickhead. I have worked with quite a few blokes in law firms who stayed on long after they needed to to avoid doing any of the childcare duties at home. Their wives just thought they were busy.

I'm also a lawyer and the higher earner. I also work longer hours. I don't use those points as an excuse not to be an equal parent, like the poster above.

FinallyHere · 18/05/2023 06:53

As Maya Angelou says "when someone tells you who they are, believe them the first time"

This is who he is. Believe him and do not expect that he will change if/when you have children.

Is this what you want your life to be?

Leapintothelightning · 18/05/2023 07:29

Based on this and your previous thread, this sounds like a man you do not want to buy a property or have kids with. I'd be cutting my losses and heading for the hills if I were you.

Original poster
AminaJ · 18/05/2023 07:31

Thank you all. It's reassuring to hear that most other people would have concerns about this too.

In his mind, his position was entirely logical and reasonable.

I'm all for a bit of give and take if someone has a difficult day at work. But his attitude that there should always be a bit of give for him is worrying.

He also said something like 'don't let gender politics get in the way of your thinking'.

Great to hear about couples who make things work well as a team, regardless who who earns what. That's how I would want it to be.

OP posts:
Kdubs1981 · 18/05/2023 07:34

I would show him this thread.

Unfortunately I think your recent update shows how deeply rooted his misogyny is and what he thinks of a woman's role once children come along. I don't think this will change.

PennywisePoundFoolish · 18/05/2023 07:36

I'm guessing he'll expect you to take all the time off too if(or more likely, when) your child is too unwell for childcare. He might feel your job is lesser, but that's not going to be your Employer's view.

I think you'd be unwise to start a family with him, he's already signalling loud and clear what lies ahead. Just read your other thread where you'll be putting in the greater share of deposit, yet he won't fully reveal his finances? You're not being as bankrolled as he'd have you believe!

But if you do go ahead, I would stay working full-time and look for a nanny rather than nursery/childminder. You're going to need your career long-term and you cannot rely on him to do any pick ups or drop offs, as there will always be some sabotage urgent work issue that only he can deal with.

fortheloveofflowers · 18/05/2023 07:37

Do not have children with this man!!!
What a misogynistic prick!!
I don’t think I could stand to be with a man that thought I was a lesser person than him.

FatCatBum · 18/05/2023 07:37

But this is also that man that is unwilling for you to even know how much he earns. So with this on top I would be looking at the whole relationship and seeing that 'partnership' is not a word familiar to him. His world apparently revolves around himself

toomuchlaundry · 18/05/2023 07:48

You’ve already been warned about buying a house with him on your other thread, why are you discussing kids with him. You know that you will be expected to shoulder all the finances in respect of children too, don’t you

Nottodaty · 18/05/2023 07:56

My husband earns a lot more than me & often travels away.

He has never missed a school event, has done his fair share of drop off pick ups. Changed nappies and played with his kids! He has involved our youngest in his hobby and weekends they go with him.

I didn’t need a sperm donation I wanted a partner who wanted to share the parenting and step up - it’s good you had these conversations before children, find someone to share the parent experience (good and bad) rather than someone expecting you to be a housemaid. You & your future children deserve better.

Theypickedhim · 18/05/2023 08:09

Agree with the comments

It is a red flag but if you do go ahead, keep your career and financial independence & get a nanny

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