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Original poster

Should husband do equal share of childcare tasks even though he earns more

114 replies

AminaJ · 17/05/2023 14:11

My husband and I don't yet have kids. The other day I said that if we have a child and I later go back to work part-time, I would hope that we'd share out childcare tasks equally for the days I'm working (e.g. changing nappies in the night).

He replied that because he's the high earner and has a more stressful job, he needs to be on better form in the office than I do - so he shouldn't be expected to do half.

He is a lawyer and earns 5x as much as me. Our working hours are about the same - though he maybe works a couple of hours more each day. My job is in Government policy - it's not highly paid because it's public sector, but I want to do a good job and it's sometimes stressful.

There is I guess a bit of logic to his position. But I was concerned when he said it and wondered how many other people hold this view?

(I posted about my husband the other day about a separate but related issue - so this guy will sound familiar to some of you!)

OP posts:
Denise82 · 17/05/2023 16:34

For me this has nothing to do with how much he earns or how important he thinks his job is, it has everything to do with what sort of man he is and what sort of father he will be.
And it's not looking like a happy life unfortunately.

titchy · 17/05/2023 16:38

He's absolutely correct. Children build a relationship with their parents based on who contributed the most money to the family not on who spent time caring for them.

Or not....

Spendonsend · 17/05/2023 16:45

The thing is you can outsource lots of chores relating to children, but you cant outsource building a relationship with them.

Which is irritating. As my dh fucked off to another country when ours were really small so I did all the crap but they like him as much as he spent his time with them doing nice things.

So whatever you do, get a balance.Make sure you do plenty of nice things with them too.

aboutbloodytime123 · 17/05/2023 17:00

If he was living on his own who would be doing his housework for him? Tell him to hire that person (clue: it would be him)

StrawberriesSW1 · 17/05/2023 17:28

OP, perhaps you should both contribute 50:50 financially and take up 50:50 financial responsibility of your household as you obviously don't see each other as one unit/a team.
Tabulate your expenses and bills then split it into half. That way you can be truly equal.

Brefugee · 17/05/2023 17:31

I've only read the OP.
Don't have children with him. If you do: make sure that if you cut your hours etc, your high-flying husband pays for your private pension contributions. And that you get back to work asap.

But.

Don't have children with him, and certainly only stop working for the shortest possible time. Be clear from the start of having any offspring that things are jointly done, including covering sick days and changing nappies etc.

roseopose · 17/05/2023 17:38

Absolutely he is being unreasonable. I view it as whoever works more, not for more, does less.

topcat2014 · 17/05/2023 17:43

He sounds a bit of a dinosaur but if he is earning 150k and you are on 30k could there be a teeny bit of truth somewhere in what he says?

At the very least that covers a cleaner and good childcare

jannier · 17/05/2023 18:08

He is a relic from the 50s in both your posts what do you see in the big headed twat

Aria2015 · 17/05/2023 18:25

This a red flag i'm afraid. Having kids is hard work and introduces a whole new set of responsibilities into a relationship. Loads of couples struggle with this, but it's 100 times harder if one person has the attitude your dh already has, where he thinks him earning more money means he doesn't have to share the new responsibilities of having a child equally. This will just lead to a whole bunch or resentment on your side and imo resentment is like a poison in relationships. Proceed with caution!!

reesewithoutaspoon · 17/05/2023 21:44

Oh well at least he gave you warning, now you know not to have children with him unless you're happy taking on the whole burden of caring for them. Loads of women don't get that and only discover it once the child is already here. So decision is yours really. Hes told you who he is

autienotnaughtym · 17/05/2023 22:15

I work 10 hours a week. Dh does 37 in a middle management role with 1 hour commute. Weekdays I do housework on days off. I cook n do pots every night. Dh entertains child. We share bedtime . Weekend it's 50:50.

Kdubs1981 · 17/05/2023 22:21

I mean this absolutely sincerely as a mother.

Do not have children with this man. He is selfish arse who thinks he is better than you because he earns more. You will end up working and doing everything at home and I promise you it will grind you down. You will end up resenting him (and rightly so). He's actually done you the favour of making this easy. He's told you what he'll be like, a prize prick.

Riceball · 17/05/2023 22:21

Some men are like this. It means you will be left unappreciated to raise his child whilst he enjoys a fulfilling career. It’s a shit position. Don’t do it to yourself OP.

Shadycurtain · 17/05/2023 22:26

We generally don’t change nappies overnight after about 3 months (unless they’ve done a random poo - doesn’t happen often), so you’ll be on maternity leave for that period I’d have thought. I’m a massive fan of bottle feeding and sleep training so that they get sleeping through the night quickly and that way everyone gets decent sleep.

if he works 2 hours more than you per day just now and
you’re saying you’ll be going back part time then is seems like a 70/30 split of childcare responsibilities would be fair.

YRGAM · 17/05/2023 22:30

MadeInChorley · 17/05/2023 14:36

Coming at this from a slightly different angle.

I’m was a City lawyer for 20
years. I’d be glad he’s being honest and not drifting into this assuming you will do everything. Stick up for yourself and demand he does as much as he you. You don’t have to accept less than 50/50.

But, be honest with yourself too. He is earning 5/6 of the household income and presumably your family’s (when you have a family) lifestyle will be paid for by his salary. Lose his job and you lose 5/6 of your income. Whose job is more important to keeping a roof over your head and paying for DCs?

Your careers are of equal importance to yourselves and your employers, but you are not equals in earning capacity. Law is a fairly thankless and ruthless profession. Believe me, I know! Won’t go into details here though. Lawyers are paid handsomely for doing “the job” and that means working long hours, or on call, to do the job almost all the time. He’s either going to have to take a step back at work and muck in which means he’s seen as not as committed or else he needs to pay - through the nose - for a lot of professional flexible childcare and domestic support so you can both continue your careers.

I would broadly agree with this. To be honest you rarely see the arguments being made on this thread when the woman is the primary breadwinner. It would be laughable for a SAHD to post what the OP has posted if the roles were reversed.

YRGAM · 17/05/2023 22:33

To add to the post above, there are now two women in this thread who are primary breadwinners making that point. The reality of your financial situation is that if one person earns 150k and the other earns 30k, of course the work of the higher earner should take priority, with the caveat that he shouldn't be able to completely opt out of parenting.

SheilaFentiman · 17/05/2023 22:35

The issue is, as per the other thread, this man does not see you as an equal.

Would it be reasonable to have a discussion about how many hours you would each have available for childcare, chores etc, and figure out what you could do to bridge that (especially as he has his Big Swinging Pay Packet to hire help). Yes.

But his angle is to dictate to you and look down on you.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 17/05/2023 22:44

Well, OP, he has told you what he intends. It doesn’t matter whether a load of strangers on the internet think he is right or wrong. You can either persuade him to change his mind, get him to pay for childcare out of his big salary, decide not to have children with him or just wing it and hope that it might change (;which I doubt)

Clapyourhandssayyeah1 · 17/05/2023 22:48

my DH earns double what I do and is a partner in his job so high pressure. I am on maternity leave at the minute and I am currently in the spare room as he is taking the baby overnight and will let me lie in until 8 and he will then work for the day. He does this twice a week as he knows how hard I work being switched on with the baby 24/7.

I wouldn’t put up with how your DH plans to treat you.

SueVineer · 17/05/2023 22:50

I think if he works more hours it’s fair for him to do less childcare. It’s about contribution imo

Needapadlockonmyfridge · 17/05/2023 22:51

He doesn't sound down any nicer on this thread than on your other one

Seriously, it might be timely to consider your options.

FGS don't gave children with him.

Cherryblossoms85 · 17/05/2023 22:53

What a twat features. Nah, have a kid with someone who isn't a nob.

UsingChangeofName · 17/05/2023 22:56

I mean, the one positive is that he has been honest and upfront.
this means I would not have dc with him (although this would have come up in conversations before he got to being a d h , surely ?

Merryoldgoat · 17/05/2023 22:59

OP - I’m on your other thread. Honestly, you’re flogging a dead horse.

Be glad you’ve realised before you’ve purchased a house and had kids.

This man will drain the life from you.