Do I have kids or get divorced? I'm lost.

[GammaRay01]

My marriage of 3.5 years has been pretty miserable - plaugued by arguments, depression, chronic resentment, rejection, anger, etc. We have had loads of counselling and are now, on DH's ask, about to get started with a new counsellor, for a new perspective / plan (DH didn't feel our counsellor of 1.5 yrs now has been good). I have agreed but a part of me inside is wondering if we have reached the end of the road; I feel lost and I feel unsure in what I want anymore - do I want to stay married to DH and try to have the family I have hoped for; or do I leave now and not bring kids into what could eventually be a divorce anyway but with kids involved? I am 35 with a confirmed low egg reserve (my mum hit menopause by 40). I could concieve naturally at the moment though (but need IVF due to DH's infertility) and it feels like a divroce now might mean I never have kids. I may take a few years to recover and assuming I somehow meet someone i can trust again, my fertility will likely have tanked by then. How do i make a good decision / find myself a path, with such high stakes?

DH (36M) is a kind individual and a good man with several good qualities, but I just feel we have been awful in what we offer each other (ie. we bring out the worst in each other) and in how different our visions / world view seems to be. I am also shocked at some of the incidents particularly in the last 2 months and how much he is able to hurt me (was ready to walk out in the middle of an IVF round, was ready to walk out again recently because of an argument with his sibling which the sibling started, etc). I just feel differently towards him lately - like I love him but I am not attracted to him; I am bracing myself, I am guarded and aloof. He is being loving at the moment and is trying to make an effort (he has stopped IVF though because of the arguments and says he needs the time plus counselling). I just dont know what I am even doing anymore. Feels like everything is on pause and there is no end in sight. I want to find it in me to make an effort again and work on my marriage.... but I am so tired and so lost right now.

Making matters worse, lately, i also find myself attracted to a guy I barely know (I've said hello a couple of times at our local store). I find myself fantacising about romance /relationship with this guy a lot. I know this is just trouble and I dont want to cheat at all; I just wonder if the "lost" me is trying to find solcae somewhere...

Wow @CheekyHobson and @icannotsay - that really hit me. I will reflect Thank you for those messages.

Honestly. I was with my ex for 5 yrs and he'd had the snip so couldn't have any, hence the ivf .

He could never accept the split and I spent 8 yrs in and out of family court fighting him. Our child was his ultimate control.

You don't find out what someone is truly like until you split

Unfortunately our child binded us.

At 8 my ds chose to.live with her dad and I haven't seen her for 6 years. (Another story).
I don't regret our child but god I wished I'd split and chose not to have a child with him.

If your unhappy now (as I was) children won't make it any better. It just just gets ugly.

@icannotsay , I’m sorry, that sounds horrendous.

Having kids is hard. Having them with the wrong person is torture.

Having them with the wrong person KNOWINGLY is pure idiocy.

It might well mean you don’t have children. That’s really hard but frankly you will be punished daily if you have them with this man.

OP this sounds brutal but the thing you need to come to terms with is the possibility that you might not have kids.

You're tying yourself in knots trying to justify keeping this shitshow of a relationship going and it's only because you want kids. If you didn't want kids you'd have split years ago.

You don't love each other. You don't even seem to like each other and you're certainly not good for each other. Bringing a child into that would be a terrible idea on every level, and awful for the child.

I could just have the kids with him and then break up I suppose.

This is a terrible idea and will be much worse than parenting alone from the off. The latter may be scary but it's not fucked up and painful and leaving you tied to this toxic relationship for the rest of your life.

Yes families all have dynamics, but guess what? Some of them are pretty nice. Some are healthy. Some are happy. Don't rule that out for yourself because of where this relationship has dragged you down to. You have to get out. Now. Don't even consider staying for IVF. If you want kids, you need to leave him and use your time wisely and autonomously. Not dealing with this impossible shit about the 'people in his life'. Get them all out of your life for good.

This is a terrible idea and will be much worse than parenting alone from the off.

Seconding this. It is in no way as easy as “just break up” when you have kids. I wanted to leave my ex for years before I managed to do so, because I had become financially trapped, was exhausted from doing the vast majority of parenting and working and didn’t trust him to actually look after the kids competently when they were small and vulnerable.

Your husband will be entitled to ask for at least 50 percent of custody if he wants it. Some men will go for it just to spite you or to look good, despite their lack of real interest in parenting well.

OP your relationship is done.

Strip out the history, the shared jokes and memories, and the house, and what do you have? Two people who sound fundamentally incompatible with each other and neither of them are happy.

Walk away. Whilst you do so, have a think about where you want to be. Would you want to have a baby on your own? If you think you might, then would you consider moving to where your family are so that you would have support?

Wow that is a lot of stress and pain to be going through. If you’ve been in counselling for so long I think you have to realise the right moment to call it quits. I wouldn’t recommend having kids with him at least, there are always alternative methods.

As other people have mentioned embryos are a solution or even adoption. However, it’s never a good idea to have children you are having serious doubts about.

I would also have a glance at some divorce agreements or speak to a lawyer if you see that it’s just not going to work out in the end. Whatever happens children or not you should have a plan if you have any shared valuables.

I wish you the best.

100% walk away.
Don't bring kids into this as you will also add a new level of things you disagree on: how to parent.
It's already hard work with a small child and you will be at loggerheads.

You just sound too different to each other. I'd call it a day

Absolutely get divorced.

If you think bringing children into an already unhappy marriage will change anything, you're right, it will. It'll make it ten times worse.