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Original poster

Do I have kids or get divorced? I'm lost.

136 replies

GammaRay01 · 17/05/2023 00:44

My marriage of 3.5 years has been pretty miserable - plaugued by arguments, depression, chronic resentment, rejection, anger, etc. We have had loads of counselling and are now, on DH's ask, about to get started with a new counsellor, for a new perspective / plan (DH didn't feel our counsellor of 1.5 yrs now has been good). I have agreed but a part of me inside is wondering if we have reached the end of the road; I feel lost and I feel unsure in what I want anymore - do I want to stay married to DH and try to have the family I have hoped for; or do I leave now and not bring kids into what could eventually be a divorce anyway but with kids involved? I am 35 with a confirmed low egg reserve (my mum hit menopause by 40). I could concieve naturally at the moment though (but need IVF due to DH's infertility) and it feels like a divroce now might mean I never have kids. I may take a few years to recover and assuming I somehow meet someone i can trust again, my fertility will likely have tanked by then. How do i make a good decision / find myself a path, with such high stakes?

DH (36M) is a kind individual and a good man with several good qualities, but I just feel we have been awful in what we offer each other (ie. we bring out the worst in each other) and in how different our visions / world view seems to be. I am also shocked at some of the incidents particularly in the last 2 months and how much he is able to hurt me (was ready to walk out in the middle of an IVF round, was ready to walk out again recently because of an argument with his sibling which the sibling started, etc). I just feel differently towards him lately - like I love him but I am not attracted to him; I am bracing myself, I am guarded and aloof. He is being loving at the moment and is trying to make an effort (he has stopped IVF though because of the arguments and says he needs the time plus counselling). I just dont know what I am even doing anymore. Feels like everything is on pause and there is no end in sight. I want to find it in me to make an effort again and work on my marriage.... but I am so tired and so lost right now.

Making matters worse, lately, i also find myself attracted to a guy I barely know (I've said hello a couple of times at our local store). I find myself fantacising about romance /relationship with this guy a lot. I know this is just trouble and I dont want to cheat at all; I just wonder if the "lost" me is trying to find solcae somewhere...

OP posts:
FrownedUpon · 17/05/2023 10:56

That’s an awful situation to bring children into. Don’t do it-you’ll be miserable. Get out now & start afresh.

ReallyShouldBeDoingSomethingElse · 17/05/2023 11:04

Please don't add yourself to the list of women stuck in a relationship because you've had children with him. You're one of the lucky ones. Leave your bad relationship, then freeze your eggs or consider IVF using donor sperm on your own.

MammaTo · 17/05/2023 11:06

Together for 8 years, in marriage counselling and you want to bring a baby into this situation.
Newborns bring out the worst in you, yes it’s lovely to have this tiny baby but even in the happiest relationships it’s really tough. You’re bringing a baby into this for your own purely selfish reasons rather then what would be best for that child. You need to be happy with yourself before you can bring a baby into the mix.

Original poster
GammaRay01 · 17/05/2023 11:08

I guess why I am confused is, there have been good things too in the marriage. There are things we do well as a couple as well; there are shared memories and a home. What if we are just meant to become better people in the process? Surely i am not blaming him or everything that hasnt gone well in the last 3.5 years; i can see some of my wekanesses have played out as well. Is this about fixing myself (and him doing the same)? If yes, how do we know the difference between that (ie. we need to make the effort to improve ourselves) and that it might actually be over (ie. we will never meet each other's needs in a fulfilling sustainable way)?

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 17/05/2023 11:10

A new couples counsellor won’t fix this, OP, and I think you know that.

Sometimes, despite all our best intentions and without blame, we find ourselves in a place we don’t want to be and where all the choices look bad. To get out of that place takes courage, and a willingness to choose a path that walks us away from what went before.

Sending you good wishes. Flowers

Cc1998 · 17/05/2023 11:15

CandyLeBonBon · 17/05/2023 00:46

You've been in counselling for 1.5 years and married for 3.5? I'd be walking away.

Don't bring a child into this.

Loverofoxbowlakes · 17/05/2023 11:19

OP on your title alone I think you should divorce - if you are even thinking about this choice then bringing kids into the mix will NOT fix the relationship and you will be constantly tied to your dh for the rest of your life.

Having read your post and your updates I would still suggest divorce and egg freezing. The success rate may be lower but he would need to give permission to use frozen embryos, and you would still be tied to him for the rest of your life.

3.5 years in should still be the honeymoon period. 1.5 years of that in therapy? It's time to divorce...

HavfrueDenizKisi · 17/05/2023 11:21

I haven't read all the responses OP but have read a few of yours.

This relationship is over.

You are sticking to this marriage as a way to have kids. This is no way to live your life. If children come along, the already poor relationship will hit rock bottom. Kids make like more difficult not easier.

One PP said children should come out of love and shared values and respect for each other. It sounds like there is none of this.

You've been married 3.5 years and counselling for 1.5 of those?? You need to walk away now.

Yes that may mean you don't go onto have children, no one has a magic eye to the future for you to guarantee this. But why would you saddle yourself to a man who is happy to hurt you repeatedly? I would rather be single (with the possibility of remaining childless) if that was the alternative.

(As an aside you could free yourself from this man and use donor sperm and do it alone).

I know what I would be doing.

Original poster
GammaRay01 · 17/05/2023 11:32

I guess, what if its me? What if I am the problem and if i leave this relationship and go into another one, I am just carrying my problem from one relationship to the next? What if I focus on improving myself instead? On addressing my weaknesses that trigger him?

OP posts:
OhBling · 17/05/2023 11:35

On addressing my weaknesses that trigger him?

even BEFORE I got to this sentence I was thinking, "ooh, this man has done a good job of convincing OP that SHE is the problem". But this sentence is a clincher. You have "weaknesses" and these "trigger" him? Puhlease.....

I mean, sure, we all have small things that perhaps we irrationally don't like and our partners may well be willing to accommodate those. DH really really gets irrationally upset if someone comments negatively on the look of anything he's eating so I don't do it.... (weirdo). But if Dh had told me I had "weaknesses" that "triggered" him, I'd have laughed at him and then I suspect our relationship would have ended, long before we got to the marriage and children part!

Can you give a few examples?

PaintedEgg · 17/05/2023 11:35

GammaRay01 · 17/05/2023 11:32

I guess, what if its me? What if I am the problem and if i leave this relationship and go into another one, I am just carrying my problem from one relationship to the next? What if I focus on improving myself instead? On addressing my weaknesses that trigger him?

well, the problem is often on both sides

However - you have been to a couple's therapy for 1.5 years. at this point you should know if you may be the key problem

You can work on yourself away from that marriage that clearly does not work

OhBling · 17/05/2023 11:37

Also, while I get that he might have legitimate reasons for topping IVF if things aren't going so well, it's also a great way to control you.... If you want a baby, you need to buckle down and do what he wants/be what he wants etc.

Sorry OP, the more you post the more I think this is more than just basic incompatibility.

GiveOverRover · 17/05/2023 11:37

GammaRay01 · 17/05/2023 11:32

I guess, what if its me? What if I am the problem and if i leave this relationship and go into another one, I am just carrying my problem from one relationship to the next? What if I focus on improving myself instead? On addressing my weaknesses that trigger him?

If you want to focus on improving yourself, do it outside of this relationship, which is unhealthy at best.

Addressing your weaknesses that trigger him? That's not how it works. His triggers are his triggers, they're not your responsibility to dance around.

Honestly OP, you've said he would be a good dad, but an even worse husband as a result of becoming a dad. Surely you can see that this is problematic, and to be avoided at all costs both for your sake and that of the hypothetical children?

You can't honestly feel that it would be appropriate to have children with him for them to watch you to hate each other? It's ok to admit that you want children, but there is a better way.

FatAgain · 17/05/2023 11:39

Marriage shouldn’t be this hard!

children will make it even more miserable!

leave n freeze.

PaintedEgg · 17/05/2023 11:40

@GammaRay01 there is also a chance that you will meet someone who won't be triggered by you

There is always room for self-improvement but sometimes it's not that we have weaknesses but that we annoy people we're not compatible with

isthismylifenow · 17/05/2023 11:43

GammaRay01 · 17/05/2023 11:32

I guess, what if its me? What if I am the problem and if i leave this relationship and go into another one, I am just carrying my problem from one relationship to the next? What if I focus on improving myself instead? On addressing my weaknesses that trigger him?

And what if it's not?

Having children is stressful OP. Having children in an already stressful environment is not good for anyone, including the children.

I have a few decades on you age wise, and now see that life is very short. Don't live unhappily. You can raise children alone, myself and many others have.

This amount of counselling is just not necessary. If it was going to help, it would already have helped.

Beautiful3 · 17/05/2023 11:45

No you don't deliberately bring children into an unhappy marriage. It will get alot worse before falling apart. If it hasn't improved in 1.5 years it's never going to. Leave and learn to be happy alone. If you meet someone else that's fab, if not it doesn't matter. You have to be happy in life. Life's too short to be miserable.

maranella · 17/05/2023 11:46

GammaRay01 · 17/05/2023 11:08

I guess why I am confused is, there have been good things too in the marriage. There are things we do well as a couple as well; there are shared memories and a home. What if we are just meant to become better people in the process? Surely i am not blaming him or everything that hasnt gone well in the last 3.5 years; i can see some of my wekanesses have played out as well. Is this about fixing myself (and him doing the same)? If yes, how do we know the difference between that (ie. we need to make the effort to improve ourselves) and that it might actually be over (ie. we will never meet each other's needs in a fulfilling sustainable way)?

Stop flogging a dead horse OP. When a relationship is right, it really isn't this hard.

Teddypops · 17/05/2023 11:49

Life is too short OP.

Leave, find a new partner and/or be a mum without him.

Pipsquiggle · 17/05/2023 11:52

Sounds pretty bleak TBH.

Unfortunately relationship breakdown when going through fertility treatment is not uncommon.

If your 'world views' are vastly different, I wouldn't say that's a great bedrock for a marriage.

Sounds like this might be your last shot of getting pregnant. You need to weigh up if being a mother usurps everything else. Having a baby might not save the marriage, however, if you desperately want to be a mother - do you want to do it with him or a sperm donor?

Pinkdelight3 · 17/05/2023 11:53

What if we are just meant to become better people in the process?

As if there's some grand plan by fate or god or something to put you through this so you can fix each other?? C'mon, you know you're kidding yourself.

You can stay stuck in this misery wondering endlessly about what ifs. It won't solve anything. You know it's over and course it's sad and course it hasn't all been awful, but marriage shouldn't be like this. Especially not so soon, but even if it was later, it would still be untenable. You're not a good match. You make each other worse. It's not some tragic star-crossed romance. You have agency and a whole life ahead of you. Don't bring kids into this mess. Get out and live.

Pinkdelight3 · 17/05/2023 11:55

I also wouldn't say this is your last shot at being pregnant. You have time, but not much, so don't waste another moment staying with this patently wrong guy.

PaintedEgg · 17/05/2023 11:57

@GammaRay01 to summarise - you have a marriage that really isnt working out and your chances of motherhood are actually greater if you exit now

just leave, there is no point

Cattenberg · 17/05/2023 11:57

Loverofoxbowlakes · 17/05/2023 11:19

OP on your title alone I think you should divorce - if you are even thinking about this choice then bringing kids into the mix will NOT fix the relationship and you will be constantly tied to your dh for the rest of your life.

Having read your post and your updates I would still suggest divorce and egg freezing. The success rate may be lower but he would need to give permission to use frozen embryos, and you would still be tied to him for the rest of your life.

3.5 years in should still be the honeymoon period. 1.5 years of that in therapy? It's time to divorce...

Yes, I wouldn’t freeze embryos with him, especially as he’s already walked away during IVF. If he refused to give you permission to use the embryos, the clinic would have to discard them. That could be heart-breaking for you, especially if your other options had run out by then.

If having a baby is your priority, then treatment using a sperm donor is your best bet. Would you have family support? That can make all the difference.

LaForza101 · 17/05/2023 11:57

I think your reasoning for staying in this relationship is still a little off. An important part of being a good Dad is showing your kids how to respect other people. If you have kids and they constantly see their Dad treating their Mum poorly they will learn that behaviour is acceptable. So he won't be a good Dad in every sense.

Honestly, he doesn't sound like a catch at all. I'm not familiar with embryo quality but won't you be able to have better quality embryos from a screened donor or potentially another man with better quality sperm? Other than him being in front of you right now I can't see the attraction in staying with him. Any him being here right now is not enough.

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