Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do I have kids or get divorced? I'm lost.

136 replies

GammaRay01 · 17/05/2023 00:44

My marriage of 3.5 years has been pretty miserable - plaugued by arguments, depression, chronic resentment, rejection, anger, etc. We have had loads of counselling and are now, on DH's ask, about to get started with a new counsellor, for a new perspective / plan (DH didn't feel our counsellor of 1.5 yrs now has been good). I have agreed but a part of me inside is wondering if we have reached the end of the road; I feel lost and I feel unsure in what I want anymore - do I want to stay married to DH and try to have the family I have hoped for; or do I leave now and not bring kids into what could eventually be a divorce anyway but with kids involved? I am 35 with a confirmed low egg reserve (my mum hit menopause by 40). I could concieve naturally at the moment though (but need IVF due to DH's infertility) and it feels like a divroce now might mean I never have kids. I may take a few years to recover and assuming I somehow meet someone i can trust again, my fertility will likely have tanked by then. How do i make a good decision / find myself a path, with such high stakes?

DH (36M) is a kind individual and a good man with several good qualities, but I just feel we have been awful in what we offer each other (ie. we bring out the worst in each other) and in how different our visions / world view seems to be. I am also shocked at some of the incidents particularly in the last 2 months and how much he is able to hurt me (was ready to walk out in the middle of an IVF round, was ready to walk out again recently because of an argument with his sibling which the sibling started, etc). I just feel differently towards him lately - like I love him but I am not attracted to him; I am bracing myself, I am guarded and aloof. He is being loving at the moment and is trying to make an effort (he has stopped IVF though because of the arguments and says he needs the time plus counselling). I just dont know what I am even doing anymore. Feels like everything is on pause and there is no end in sight. I want to find it in me to make an effort again and work on my marriage.... but I am so tired and so lost right now.

Making matters worse, lately, i also find myself attracted to a guy I barely know (I've said hello a couple of times at our local store). I find myself fantacising about romance /relationship with this guy a lot. I know this is just trouble and I dont want to cheat at all; I just wonder if the "lost" me is trying to find solcae somewhere...

OP posts:
PaintedEgg · 17/05/2023 09:26

soon you will be in therapy for half of your marriage - what is the point? Therapy is supposed to help people who have had otherwise happy and fulfilling relationship but have hit a hard time, while by the sound of it, you have nothing but hard and miserable time

it's ok to admit you have tried and walk away

MrsCharlesFrere · 17/05/2023 09:30

Having a baby isn't going to improve your relationship, if anything the strain will make things harder.

So ask yourself if you really want to live like that for years and years and expose your child to that atmosphere as well?

If you're finding it hard to leave now, how hard do you think it will be to divorce with children in the mix as well?

Read back your post. If your friend described their marriage like that, you'd tell them to leave wouldn't you?

Original poster
GammaRay01 · 17/05/2023 09:33

@BubblyBunchOfCoconuts "I reread this twice....And finally noticed the blame you put on him for the infertility. Since he now can't win in your eyes,kindly let him go. But make sure he knows that you are blaming him .
Yikes...."

No way; I am not blaming him! He did not know until tests revealed some 6 months ago and he is entirely blameless (and we've been told this is likely something that has been this way since birth). I have not blamed him once and have been very careful with his feelings. I have no problems with doing IVF for him/us and am sharing half of all the costs. I am talking about my own ferility in my post as well and the decisions i face, so it felt relevant to have to say i can concieve naturally still but need IVF with DH.

OP posts:
Seas164 · 17/05/2023 09:40

Everything about this post screams do not have children with this man, I can't even see two sides to it.

Honestly. Having kids is like a bomb going off in even the most solid, healthy relationship, if you're having trouble now, then you've got no chance.

If you're looking to have children, find a donor and go solo, it will be far less complicated and much fairer than to bring small humans into this shitshow.

Pinkdelight3 · 17/05/2023 09:42

Listen to that voice that telling you this is the end of the road. Your post screams that message loud and clear. No marriage of 3.5 years should be like this and you absolutely should not bring children into it, you know that, any doubt is the fear of the unknown, but you must know that leaving will be better than this. Investigate all egg freezing options and sperm donors and all such routes as a separate issue to ending the marriage. It's only clouding the issue and with DP's fertility issues, it's even more of a minefield. Involving him in your thinking about a family is complicating the very clear issue of ending the marriage. You can only imagine how much harder it will be to leave if you do have DC together and he's still treating you so badly or more likely worse. Get out now and don't look back.

LadyDanburysHat · 17/05/2023 09:50

OP there is every chance that IVF may not work anyway. You may not have children, and that is a hard thing to deal with.

But you would be crazy to consider not ending this marriage as soon as possible.

maranella · 17/05/2023 09:57

I wouldn't want to have DC with a man about whom I could say how different our visions / world view seems to be. Having DC with someone and parenting them well and working as a team to do that is hard enough when you're a good team anyway, when you're on the same page, want the same things, have the same outlook on life, but it would be hellish if that wasn't the case.

I understand your agonising dilemma, but if I were in your position I would walk away from this marriage, which is a sham between two people who don't even get on and bring out the worst in each other, and use a sperm donor. I don't say that lightly, as I think using a donor is really the last resort and IMO it's far from ideal that any DC is created without a father, but in your case I feel it would be the lesser of two evils. At least then you won't have to parent with this man with whom you have a high conflict and, quite frankly, miserable relationship for the rest of your life.

Beadyeyes91 · 17/05/2023 09:57

You've been in counselling half of the time you have been married (which isn't a long time to be having issues such as these) I think this aside other issues is your answer here.

Sending hugs. Life is tough.

spring78 · 17/05/2023 10:08

Had a baby can rock a strong marriage, it's hard work therefore don't have a baby when you are on wobbly ground

LadyH846 · 17/05/2023 10:10

This marriage is untenable. Please don't bring a baby into it.

I would leave and try to conceive with a donor.

WilkinsonM · 17/05/2023 10:13

You'd be insane to have a baby with him. An absolute fool.

Chatillon · 17/05/2023 10:13

You are not getting counselling what you are actually getting is quiet gaslighting.

Leave.

SecretsIWouldNeverTell · 17/05/2023 10:14

Come on @GammaRay01 , if you're asking this question, 'do I have kids with him or get divorced from him?' You know, the answer! It's the latter, obviously. This marriage sounds like a car crash.

SecretsIWouldNeverTell · 17/05/2023 10:15

Agree with others, having a baby is f*cking hard work. Bringing a baby into a terrible marriage will ruin your life. (Not having a baby, but bringing it into this marriage!)

BishopRock · 17/05/2023 10:17

My marriage of 3.5 years has been pretty miserable

You get out, OP, you get out. Flowers

SarahSmith2023 · 17/05/2023 10:19

Your relationship isn't working, don't tie yourself to him for life via kids & intensely so for the next 20 odd years (assuming you have 2 kids with him).

I'm sorry about your eggs, but you can still get pregnant with someone else. Stop wasting time in this relationship & move ahead in your life.

Delaying that is what will stop you having a happy life & children!

KleineDracheKokosnuss · 17/05/2023 10:23

Leave. Start afresh.

Do solo IVF if you want. Increase your chances with donated eggs and sperm.

but this marriage isn’t working.

Sarah2891 · 17/05/2023 10:30

It would be unfair to bring a baby into this situation.

helloimnew123 · 17/05/2023 10:31

I can completely understand the fear of ending up childless if you leave. Especially as you are midway through fertility treatment which must feel like you are hopefully getting close to that dream.
People will underestimate how difficult walking away from that dream will be.

It doesn't sound like he's that happy with the IVF situation. Do you think he'l want to try again soon? If so, could you imagine having to co-parent with him if your marriage breaks down?

If you leave, what options do you have? Would you use a sperm donor? If you don't have fertility problems then you could do at home insemination? A cheaper option as I know you said money is an issue.

I was in a similar situation although I was 30 when I left. I'd already done 3 unsuccessful rounds of IVF. I ended up meeting a new partner and having a baby a few years later. After years of sadness and disappointment, being a mum is better than I could of ever imagined.

I really sympathise with your situation x

Nanny0gg · 17/05/2023 10:35

GammaRay01 · 17/05/2023 01:28

Thank you @CheekyHobson .. i will be reflecting on a lot of things you said..

One thing though; i do think my DH will make a good father. He will be a worse husband as a father I feel (ie. more judgemental of me, more arguments, etc), but that he will be a good father to the kids. He is v kind to other people - his friends, his family, etc; so I dont think he will be unkind to any kids we have. My dilema though is to do with whether I should bring kids into a marriage so troubled (and therefore so likley in future to end in divorce).

No - absolutely not,

It will be misery for everyone.

And forget the marriage counsellor - get individual counselling. I think you both need it

trisfreya · 17/05/2023 10:38

My marriage of 3.5 years has been pretty miserable

Do you want the rest of your life ro be miserable as well?

Gorlad · 17/05/2023 10:49

No chance I would bring a child into this situation. It's simply not fair. Leave and get your own counselling. If he can't be nice to you now he will be shocking to you pregnant. He won't be a good father. If you can't trust him with you then you certainly can't trust him with your child.

OhBling · 17/05/2023 10:52

Do not bring a child into this relationship. If having a child is that important to you, then leave right now so you can go it alone. Once you have a child you're tied to him forever.

If things are this hard before things even actually get hard, there's no way you'll survive as a couple when you have DC.

Good luck.

Passerillage · 17/05/2023 10:53

Honestly, I would leave immediately and either take steps to actively find somebody new pretty quickly, or start a family on your own, and work out finding a romantic partner afterwards.

But don't waste another month with your husband. You both deserve more.

UneasyMe · 17/05/2023 10:55

OP, please end the marriage. Life can be so, so much better than this. Pursue IVF with a sperm donor if you want a child.