Husband messaged prostitute

[Twinsplusone772]

So as the subject suggests this is my reality right now. He headed to London last night left his work phone behind. Something just felt funny & I
had a funny feeling checked his work phone and last Tuesday when he was working In Edinburgh he sent a message to a prostitute/escort.
Says nothing happened thereafter as he thought of me and the kids and couldn’t do it but the intention was there alongside 7 other escort numbers.

We are married almost 10 year 3 beautiful children.
he’s came home today packed a bag and left I just can’t bring myself to even sit down and talk with him. I feel disgusting and so disappointed in him.
Our sex life isn’t perfect life is busy with 3 little ones but it happens a few times a month.
i just don’t understand why men behave this way for a potential quick fix.
We have a beautiful home lots to look forward to now I just feel I can’t forgive and move forward as I just don’t feel I could trust him. I don’t want to be one of them ppl that’s paranoid checking phones every week.
If anyone has every dealt with a similar situation would be so grateful to hear people’s opinions.

thanks so much for taken the time to read that
xx

Op, you absolutely will get over him in the future at some point, this pain will NOT last forever. Men like him who use prostitutes will always do it again, you will forever be wondering, always be worrying. It's vile of him, it's disgusting, it's putting your very health at risk, it's selfish and nasty, you're doing the right thing by leaving it to his friends and family, he's even more selfish and manipulative for telling you he wants to kill himself, horrid man. Sending you so much hugs and support xx

@AbraKedavra are you saying that even if a woman is bone tired, exhausted and doing everything in the home and for her kids, that she should still "put out" for her H or else he will shag around??

Or if she picks up on the fact that he is a sleaze and innately makes her feel sick though she cant put her finger on why (call it women's intuition or whatever, it happened to me and I found out when my son was 3 that H was into sleazey stuff when I was pregnant with him) that she should STILL have sex with him?

Or if she becomes disabled in some way and cant have sex, all of a sudden the vows dont apply and he has a pass to sleep around?

When do you actually think it is a man's responsibility to be faithful?

You do know that many people manage to have am active sex life even with a child 'under 2 years old', don't you?

@AbraKedavra Maybe some, but a lot of couples find it mostly goes off the radar for a bit.

At some point in every relationship (even if it's late in life and one of them gets ill) sex will dry up, either temporarily or eventually permanently for virtually everyone.

That's not a license to cheat or meaning the partner who's gone off the boil is somehow neglecting the relationship.

Sunglasses haven't got a way to get stolen either. It's the thief who has the conscious mind and decides to steal or not. Now go back and read it again.

What bit should I read again, you are comparing a human being who is capable of agreeing or not to something with an inanimate valuable left in a car, the thief is wrong for stealing of course but a man cannot be stolen, a man can refuse to engage with someone, a man does these things because he wants to, nobody is making him

Nobody needs to do anything. But we can acknowledge that there is a natural progression of events that generally happens.

If a person is too bone tired to wash themself, or even if they're alone and disabled and can't wash themself, they're going to end up smelly. No judgement. No blaming. No saying they have to wash themself. Merely a recognition and acknowledgment of the natural order of things.

When one partner goes off sex, the relationship will almost invariably suffer, and very often the other partner will seek it elsewhere. Especially if the other partner is a man. No blame, no judgement, just an acknowledgement of what usually happens.

In practical terms, if one finds themselves having gone off sex, they should know and acknowledge that ignoring it won't stop the inevitable.

What they do next is up to them. They can decide to wait in and hope their partner remains faithful (as he well should). They can decide to let the relationship go as it's easier to be on their own. They can ignore their partner playing away games. They can go to counselling
They can talk about.

Whatever. There are a million options available. Every person can make their own choice.

What blows my mind is how time and time again people will freely admit that their sex life had been very slow or non-existent, yet be shocked and hurt that their partner cheated.

Face it, if you go off sex, something is bound to happen. The time to address it is now, rather then after it happens.

And once again, I'm NOT condoning cheating.

The man is capable of cheating or not cheating. The thief is capable of stealing or not.

Pointing out that valuables left on a dashboard will probably get stolen, is not condoning the thief, but acknowledging the inevitable. Likewise with a marriage that has no sex.

If you still don't get the analogy, just leave it.

I do get it but the analogy doesn’t work.

it only works if you are likening a valuable item to a husband, you leave the valuable unattended, there’s a chance it will get stolen - you neglect the sexual side of your marriage your husband will go elsewhere, this is where your analogy falls down, a man has the conscious ability not to go elsewhere, he can choose to respect his partner and remain faithful, he can choose not to have sex elsewhere, the valuable item in your analogy has not got this choice.

OP ignore anyone trying to lay the responsibility for his shitty actions at your door.

Men who use prostitutes often have a full and frequent sex life with a partner, and this "inevitability" is horseshit.

I'm likening the passerby to the husband.

You leave a valuable item lying on the dashboard, a passerby might steal it. Invariably, going by human nature, it will eventually get stolen.

You neglect the sexual side of the relationship, the other partner might cheat. Invariably, going by human nature, they will eventually cheat.

Neither of these examples condone the actions of the thief/cheater, they merely recognise the probable outcome.

We have 3 children not as easy to walk away and it’s the communication moving forward.
i know he’s pulling on my heart strings and manipulating me with the situation to make me feel sorry for him. I just need to get myself together and decide what I plan to do. I can’t have him stay here at the weekends even in the spare room. It’s just such a mess. The boys are none of the wiser this week as he’s away working and they don’t know any different. But the Friday & weekend am going to get questions so need to get my strong head on and be ready for it.
thanks again everyone

Not all of them do

A few times a month is an active sex life when you have three kids, obe under two and one partner works away.

Anyway it's about the sex life with their partner for most punters; they don't want more sex with their partner, they want sex with different women.

Working away just facilitates that double life for them.

*not about the sex life with their partner

I wouldn’t even say it’s just about sex with different women - escorts are there to serve, men pay to not have to serve nor care about their needs, sexually or otherwise, and it’s all about them.

they may see it as more ‘moral’ because it’s no strings sex without feelings and therefore no ‘threat’ to the marriage, but there’s something so galling about a man who feels he has the right to pay to use a woman’s body for his own pleasure.

Sorry you are in this situation op. You can get sti screening to do at home. I'm not sure how you order it but I've just had to do it, I have an isva who sorted it for me and it was easy. Maybe Google it 🫂🫂

I wouldn’t even say it’s just about sex with different women - escorts are there to serve, men pay to not have to serve nor care about their needs, sexually or otherwise, and it’s all about them.

While that may be true for many punters, iyrs amazing when reading their reviews and speaking to their mates what a two way sexual experience some men try to make it; like they're a "real" sexual partner e.g. the amount of them who do "reverse oral" (oral on the prostitute) to try to arouse/please/make her climax. Some of them really do like to deluded themselves that it's kinda like pulling. They probably deluded themselves that she might do them for free if it wasn't for pesky manager/booker/pimp.

There's a mix of reasons and motivations and delusions going on there

But the most common reasons from reading the reviews is simply boredom having sex with one woman, and a sense of entitlement to have sex with more than one .... Other reasons include that they get to have sex with much "hotter" women out of their league than they could pull.

It's clear from many of their writings/attitude that they see it almost as paying the field/pulling, but for a nominal fee (rates are not much for non high end prostitutes) and with the advantage of not having to schmooze an OW, or risk having her tattle to his partner, and the ability to fool themselves that it's not real cheating (which would be an affair).

There was a young woman who posted on here, engaged, met through a religious group, found out her fiance had had sex with prostitutes during their relationship, and that that was a longtem (from losing his virginity, I think when he was introduced by make relatives or colleague, can't remember which) habit for him. When unequivocally caught out he said "yes, I did ABC, but apart from that I was completely faithful in our relationship". And he referred to opportunities he'd had with non prostitutes. He literally saw sex with prostitutes as different, a different type of cheating .. or possibly as not real cheating.

What I'd like to know is how many of these men would see their partners having sex with male escorts as not as bad as "real" cheating though. I don't think that distinction would come into play 🤔

Does she know from you the reasons you've left him

Yes I went around a mannerly way as I couldn’t bring myself to say the word shes 60 plus and a deep Irish catholic lady. Helps Church weekly abs goes every weekend.
I said when a man contacts a person to follow his desires and pays say her face was an absolute picture. Asked her if she understood what I was saying and she agreed she did.

Good. At least no lies.

They probably wouldn't care because they want their wife but also sex with other people

Oral on the sex worker is always about the guy.

Not in my experience of cheaters.... The extra partners are only allowed one way.