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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I hate being the 'new wife'

123 replies

newbielife · 16/05/2023 15:34

I live in a small town. I married a divorced man with children. His ex wife is very well known and is a Vet in the area. She is respected, liked and is attractive
I feel like everyone is judging me against her, even my MIL.
I feel like I've lost my identity and now I'm just his 'new wife' some people have actually called me 'Andy's new wife' to my face!
I have a child with him and we have been married for 2 years. I feel like packing the three of us up and moving somewhere new... or just packing myself and my baby (1yo) and going the two of us.
Does anyone else ever feel like this?

OP posts:
Frankieisbackfromhollywood · 16/05/2023 15:43

Can you explain more your thoughts and why you are feeling something so very extreme? Normally a few comments of oh your Andy’s new wife wouldn’t bother anyone. So can you clarify further?

Original poster
newbielife · 16/05/2023 15:51

@Frankieisbackfromhollywood
Well I think it's partly because being a second wife I often feel second place. I didn't feel like I could have the big wedding because he'd already done that. I also know that all his friends were friends with her, he had an older couple who he spends a lot of time with, sort of like parental figures and I know they thought an awful lot of his ex wife, they are nice to me but I feel it's very false. I was never an insecure person before but I do feel very judged now, people in this town gossip and I can feel that I'll be forever the new wife, I'd love to leave and make a fresh start

OP posts:
flossypots · 16/05/2023 15:54

Hate the term 'new' wife!!

I'm just wife thanks. People still do it even when you've been married longer than he was to the 'old' wife.

WhereYouLeftIt · 16/05/2023 15:56

Have you spoken to your husband about this?

OhComeOnFFS · 16/05/2023 15:58

Why did they split up? How long were they married for?

LookOutBandits · 16/05/2023 16:03

Did you already live in this town before you married him?

Original poster
newbielife · 16/05/2023 16:04

I told him about the 'new wife' comment, it was in the local post office and I had to go in to collect letters as postie was snowed out for weeks! We kind of laughed it off when I told him.
He was only married to his ex for two years but they were together from the age of 20, they met at uni and moved to the area together when she found a job here, I've been here all my life.
My MIL has also moved locally and she helps a lot with child care for his other children, she's not looked after our shared child once! I did ask her to once but she refused, I've not asked since and she's not offered.
Is it bad to say I hate my MIL! She's a big part of my DHs life and helps him so much with child care. DH said she cut him out of her Will after he left his wife, she was so disappointed in him, relations between them have obviously improved since the break up but I feel sometimes she takes it out on me even though I was much later post divorce.

OP posts:
ithinkicanithinkican · 16/05/2023 16:04

How old are his children from his first marriage? You can't really expect him to move away from them unless they are themselves adults out in the world already.

SpringCherryPie · 16/05/2023 16:05

Better than his ‘old wife’!

I think it is very difficult to follow someone else’s shoes. However because she is well liked this is actually a positive, she sounds like a capable OK person and therefore will not cause you grief!

So I think the only way is just jokingly call it out ‘actually isn’t the offensive to his old wife?’ Kind of joke. And make your peace with this inside your own head. I’ve been in this position and it just takes time.

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/05/2023 16:07

They broke up for a reason so she might be great but she wasn’t perfect for him. And he’s with you for a reason.

It sounds like you’re insecure in your relationship, possibly because of how he’s being? Things seem to have progressed quite quickly between you?

I’m a second wife, DH is my second husband. Neither of us has ever felt like a lesser priority.

He’s got kids there, you obviously can’t move far away.

Dontbelieveaword · 16/05/2023 16:08

How long were you together before you married or had DC?

Original poster
newbielife · 16/05/2023 16:09

His 'old wife' is remarried too, she has a child with her husband and my MIL often looks after this child.
I think things have become more compounded since the birth of my child, suddenly you look at relationships differently. I also had to sell my business after the birth of my child because I wanted to have a maternity leave. If got a small job now but it's not like running my old business!

OP posts:
YoucancallmeKAREN · 16/05/2023 16:10

Have been in the same position as you, a quick" i am his wife, nothing new about me" will have them lowering their head in shame.

Sweetandsourdough · 16/05/2023 16:11

I would hate that too. What were the circumstances of their divorce and how long were they married?

LookOutBandits · 16/05/2023 16:11

It sounds like your MIL has a strong relationship with her former DIL and that can only be a good thing really. Now you just have to work on your own relationship with her if you want one. If you don't then you are just going to have to ignore it.

As for everyone else I'd challenge it if it bothers you.

'I'm not his new wife, I'm his wife'
'We've been married for....'
Etc.

Original poster
newbielife · 16/05/2023 16:12

Yes it was quite quick from relationship to marriage, we have been together 4 years altogether

OP posts:
Original poster
newbielife · 16/05/2023 16:18

@LookOutBandits
I keep saying to myself I don't care about these people, his old friends, his mum his work colleagues and his siblings but obviously I do. They are all part of our every day lives.
It doesn't help that my child is the youngest in his family, he has 4 other siblings who all have children aged between 8 and 18, they have these big family meet ups and the cousins have a great time, they even meet up with my husbands children when it's not time for him to have them, they get in touch with ex wife and all meet up. I can understand why, his children are 9 and 12, they all want to have fun together, it's just hard to live with

OP posts:
Mala1992 · 16/05/2023 16:22

LookOutBandits · 16/05/2023 16:11

It sounds like your MIL has a strong relationship with her former DIL and that can only be a good thing really. Now you just have to work on your own relationship with her if you want one. If you don't then you are just going to have to ignore it.

As for everyone else I'd challenge it if it bothers you.

'I'm not his new wife, I'm his wife'
'We've been married for....'
Etc.

She might but don’t assume this. Some MIL’s do this with ex for contact.

Some do it to triangulate 2nd wife. Again, don’t assume because this scenario is driven by a primary relationship between MIL and her DS. No current partner/wife will be ok but an ex isn’t a threat.

My MIL did a bit of the 2nd scenario until she was sure about me. Waxed lyrical about an ex she absolutely hadn’t liked at the time.

Anyway, all this is as much to say, don’t take it all on face value. It’s often not what’s being presented and more often than not has nothing to do with you

Original poster
newbielife · 16/05/2023 16:23

@Sweetandsourdough he left her for another woman, he didn't stay with other woman for long, he said he was unhappy and not settled for a long time. He felt he was pushed into to marrying his ex by pressure from his parents. One child was a 'happy accident' then he got married to her and the second was planned

OP posts:
itsabigtree · 16/05/2023 16:23

Wait.... the MIL is looking after her EX kid with her new husband but refuses to look after her own granchild?
No that's messed up. You can stop trying to have a relationship with her. Just focus on your kid and husband. His friends will get used to you and him together soon, and it won't be a 'thing' any more.

SpringCherryPie · 16/05/2023 16:24

Of course it’s going to be an issue for you, I do get that. But I do think it’s one of those cases where thinking of the long game is key. You ARE his current wife. You have his child, you are bound together. His MIL will over time have to come to terms with it. The whole village will have to come to terms with it. But they, unfortunately will take a bit longer than you’d like. But it will happen, believe me.

5 years, 10 years, people will never refer to you as the new wife. And you don’t want to not enjoy these wonder years of being newly married and having a very young child.

Don’t feel like you have to prove yourself to anyone. It is annoying to not be in a ‘clean slate’ marriage, but many are not clean slates. If you can, be generous towards his past life, his kids and his Ex, they didn’t choose to be the ‘old’ family either probably. And they are also having to cope with people saying ‘oh his new wife’ etc and will have their own feelings about that.

It’s an adjustment. If you have a solid marriage, you’ve nothing to fear it will all come good in the end.

HT56 · 16/05/2023 16:24

I think sometimes this is what happens when you marry someone who has been married before. I felt a bit like this. Nothing new to experience has he had done it all before. To be honest with hindsight I think I would have preferred to marry someone who didn’t have a previous marriage and kids.

Dontbelieveaword · 16/05/2023 16:25

He sounds like a sweetheart, OP.

Sheepsheepeverywhere · 16/05/2023 16:29

Maybe start correcting people to Andy's Last Wife...

Aquamarine1029 · 16/05/2023 16:30

You married a cheater. 🤦

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