I hate being the 'new wife'

[newbielife]

I live in a small town. I married a divorced man with children. His ex wife is very well known and is a Vet in the area. She is respected, liked and is attractive
I feel like everyone is judging me against her, even my MIL.
I feel like I've lost my identity and now I'm just his 'new wife' some people have actually called me 'Andy's new wife' to my face!
I have a child with him and we have been married for 2 years. I feel like packing the three of us up and moving somewhere new... or just packing myself and my baby (1yo) and going the two of us.
Does anyone else ever feel like this?

Most people you can probably ignore , but I bet the family stings. There is no problem with MIL close relationship with ex DIL snd DC , I mean she's known her since a kid and you don't stop loving someone like that. She was probably mortified by the nature of the split and felt the need to make up for it.
However now she needs to absorb your family too. I'd get DH to ask her to babysit a few times, and include her on things with all the DC together, the more time she spends with your little one and sees his they are all siblings . Don't let DH keep the kids separate in her eyes.

Your MIL sounds like the MIL from hell and unhealthily involved in her DS's life. She babysits for his ex's new DC with her second DH, but won't babysit your baby, who is her GC? WTAF???

She is allowed to do what she likes though. She can be friends with the ex. She can look after the child, she's her own person. She's not an extension her philandering son.

I was engaged to a separated man before, it didn't work out I broke it off, but I can see where you are coming from. I married a man that was never married and they called me his 'new' wife... Is it just a term? Maybe they didn't mean it in that way? Did you feel this way when you guys were dating? (His new gf) or engaged (his new fiancee)?
Maybe she is respected, but do you know that you are not? In all likelihood, most People where you live don't care, I wouldn't overthink it. Id go and enjoy my life with my husband and forget them. We get one life and should live it the way we want with who we want.

I find it odd that some people here justify his mother's behaviour...

Would you all be ok if you were in husband's position and it was your spouse and child being treated like this by your mother?

I agree. If my DM was acting like this, I'd tell her to pack it in. Why isn't the OP's DH doing that? Yes, MIL is entitled to continue to have a relationship with DH's ex, particularly if they were always close, but to treat the OP like an interloper in her own marriage is really unpleasant. The OP isn't the OW, she didn't break up her DH's first marriage, none of what happened is her fault, so it's really unfair and unreasonable that the MIL is treating her so badly.

If it's anything like my very small hometown, they're taking bets on how long your marriage will last and assuming that he'll leave you too after a couple more years.

Although in fact the OP mentions she's already thinking of leaving him now, so they could well be right.

You knew who he was when you married him and you from this place so it can't be much of a surprise. He has an ex-wife and the OW he left her for, he has DC which means he has to stay put, he has a mother mixed up in it all, it was never going to the big romance and you as simply his wife - or better still you as an individual human being, not his latest appendage! You really have to give less of a shit about your status in their eyes or else the marriage is doomed, they were right all along, and soon you'll be another ex wife too.

In small villages gossip is endemic.

Her MIL will have been destroyed by being the subject of such gossip, affair and marital breakdown.

There is a generation of women that cannot bear to be the subject of gossip, mainly because they are such gossips themselves.

Small communities live off this type of thing, and NEVER forget.

I worked 35 years ago with a lovely girl (different department) from a farming background.

She got pregnant after a short relationship and confided in me that she was going for an abortion.
She wasn't telling her friends as she wanted it kept VERY quiet.

I insisted on going with her and our lovely male boss was so nice when I told him that I needed a day off suddenly without explanation.

I recall something she said that day as we discussed her choices "better that I come with cancer than a baby, such would be the upset and scandal in my family".

That was the reality years ago for many women giving up babies if they didn't have an abortion.

Particularly scandalous in small rural settings, but equally in an urban setting in those awful days.

Small village life might suit some, but to me it sounds utterly suffocating.

I can't imagine why the OP, having grown up in one, would want to be anywhere near such a scenario.

I imagine her own family probably were a bit 🙄 at her choice of notorious partner.

As others have written, they are judging him on his colourful past and the OP for getting involved with him, knowing dhat she knew.

There is a reason people move away from this type of setting.

Your mother in law sounds like a dick. I can see why you'd want to move.. is it very obvious that she prefers her first set of grandchildren over your baby? If so than your husband needs to say something.
My sister in law was like this with me, preferred husbands ex wife (she had an affair and husband was single for 2 years before we met. I get on with my husbands ex wife fine but sil would not accept me.. it come to ahead one Christmas when she wouldn't acknowledge how rude it was to leave my sons name out of a Christmas card.. big argument. I called her a rude cunt (this felt amazing!) it took her 2 years to apologise to me and her brother (my DH) she is much more civil now but knows her place. Life is to short to put up with people's crap.

Refer to him as your current husband 😁

Thanks to most of you, I feel better about things today.
My MIL is a different generation to my parents. They had my DH late and he's 7 years older than me, thankfully I have a very hands on mother myself and an extremely supportive family generally.
My DH actually prefers to spend time with my family than his own, his whole family were extremely upset (understandably) about his divorce.
His father insisted that he made it work and go to marriage counselling, his ex would have like the marriage to carry on, he was determined however that the divorce was to happen.
Both he and the other woman knew it wouldn't last, they used each other as crutches in their deeply unhappy lives.
His ex wife moved on very quickly.
Both his ex wife and the other woman are married and have children now.
In fact the only people that havnt moved on are his MIL and the rest of his family to a lesser extent

I will continue on my path of coking across as an awful person with what I'm going to say but this is a really time for your mother in law to get over herself

Your husband is at the point where he does need to keep apologising and can start expecting his mother to accept the reality of the situation, including the fact that she is being an unjust asshole to her daughter in law and a neglectful grandparent.

She won't earn a prize or a place in heaven by playing self-righteous, "better than thou" card and punishing YOU for her son's perceived misbehaviour.

In fact - you can tell her the same should the interaction present such opportunity.

The facts are that while cheating was a dick move, your husband wanted to end the marriage and he would have ended it regardless - affair or not. The end result is that everyone is happy except his mother and you because of his mother's behaviour and that has got to stop.

Finally, her expecting her son to always be sorry for what he did is pointless - he may be sorry for the way it ended, but he's clearly not sorry that it did or sorry that he has happily remarried and has a third child

@PaintedEgg nothing awful about you!

I completely agree.
Her MIL should absolutely get over herself.

The thing is she is all about herself, her position, standing etc.

She was shamed utterly by her son's actions and at her ahe is never going to get over it.

For some people perception is everything.

That she had a nervous breakdown tells me everything.

She simply couldn't cope with the gossip, knowing only too well what it would involve.

No wonder the OP's husband prefers her family!

Yes, it's as if the MiL has her virtue invested in NOT investing in OP and her child.

Impossible dynamic.

I'm shocked to read this is YOUR DAMN HOME TOWN. Surely there are a lot of people who know you and your family, and barely know of the existence of your husband let alone his ex?

I do agree though with those who said it's not about you, it's about him. I know a serial cheater (not saying this is your H) and the attitude of faint intrigue/pity towards each new partner/wife was similar. They're probably worried he's not good enough for you.

making a joke about it is the best way to make people think twice. First of all I reframed it to anyone who said anything as me being an upgrade wife, but I felt this was unnecessarily bitchy about his ex, who wasn’t the problem!

I think I would be tempted to move slightly further away. It sounds like a very small world where you live. You also sound like you miss your business. Maybe it’s time to build something for you. Your mother in law sounds a tad crazy babysitting for a child that isn’t her relation. I wouldn’t be encouraging my own relationship with her if it was like that. I was married to someone who had been married before. I felt his family never fully accepted or made an effort with me. When we separated I never heard from them after 20 years together!

What a charming man your husband isn't!! And of course he's gona blame ex wife etc for his cheating. Good luck your gona need it and maybe stand in your own feet make relationships and stop thinking rubbish which half of probably not even accurate

I don't understand why the MIL is being torn apart because she was asked to baby sit one time and refused, it's her right to. She doesn't have to babysit every child her son produces, i actually think she is very kind to look after her grandchildren by his ex wife and not separate their new half sibling. She clearly feels a sense of responsibility towards her and the children, possibly due to the guilt of her sons behaviour in the past.

Why does she have to get on with the OP? Maybe there is an entirely different reason they dont get on.

While being very supportive of the husbands decision to leave his wife, not many have considered the position his previous wife would have been left in caring for two small children that he effectively walked out on and very likely caused some emotional trauma to them and their mother.

Also the comment from the OP about the husbands father wanting his son to fix his marriage is kind of funny, if he upped and left you next OP would you not want his parents to encourage him to work on his marriage with you?

From the way you write ,right or wrong, I think your mother in law finds you to be naive when it comes to her son and is distancing herself in preparation for the eventual fall out, I think she is sidelining your child because she doesn't want to be in the position of having to be your support too if her son leaves you with young children too.

I think your husband is quiet on the subject of his mother because he knows the score completely, his mother likely told him flat out she has no plans to get close to you or be responsible for childcare for another baby.

Your problem is really with your husband if he sees you being treated in the way you have described but does nothing to support you or change the situation.

The whole thing makes me think... A thread a while ago when someone asked why cheaters never have karma come back to them- most carry on with their lives as usual, while the person who got cheated on suffers.
In this case, the MIL is still upset at him for being a cheater, so do his family, but sadly they punish you as a result of not accepting his choice, even if you were not the OW.

I feel for you as at the end of the day it's not your fault what he did, but it's unlikely after however many years they spent together that people will all of a sudden turn around and rally around you. Do consider moving, a fresh start would do all of you good.

I think she doesn’t want to get invested in a relationship with you because she thinks her philandering son will move on.

He ditched his first wife when they had a toddler and things were hard work, he ditched the affair partner too. She’s probably waiting for the other shoe to drop. That’s not a reflection on you, but on her opinion of him.

If my son cheated on the mother of his children and wasn’t prepared to try and work it out, I’d be pretty disgusted in him and would want to support the mother of my young grandchildren with childcare etc too.

I would never have got involved with a man who's family were so enmeshed with his ex. It's not normal or healthy despite posters on here insisting it is. You did get involved with him though OP so you need to find a way to deal with it. It won't change till the ex gets bored of it all. Concentrate on your family, tbh I wouldn't bother with his family at all. Never try with people who do not give a shit. It makes you look desperate.

But it’s tons better than being called “little miss new boobs” (Friends quote) 😂

It seems to me you’re trying to ‘win’ something that’s not winnable. To ‘prove’ something but you don’t really know what. What this situation needs is time.

How long were your ex and his wife together for? I will guess over ten years and you’ve so far completed 4. You are the new wife, as painful as that is and I expect your MIL thinks your husband will fuck this relationship up too so she’s protecting herself.

You are going to have to just accept that you are not going to win hearts and minds through action. Instead you have to get on with your life and very slowly I think things will improve.