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Original poster

I hate being the 'new wife'

123 replies

newbielife · 16/05/2023 15:34

I live in a small town. I married a divorced man with children. His ex wife is very well known and is a Vet in the area. She is respected, liked and is attractive
I feel like everyone is judging me against her, even my MIL.
I feel like I've lost my identity and now I'm just his 'new wife' some people have actually called me 'Andy's new wife' to my face!
I have a child with him and we have been married for 2 years. I feel like packing the three of us up and moving somewhere new... or just packing myself and my baby (1yo) and going the two of us.
Does anyone else ever feel like this?

OP posts:
Enoughisenouff · 16/05/2023 16:44

Time is a great healer OP .. I’ve been with my husband 17 years and for a while I too was the ‘new wife’ .. I experienced many of the things you mention like interactions between older half siblings and their cousins and my own kids being younger . If you and DH are happy just keep doing your thing .. over time things will change .

PaintedEgg · 16/05/2023 16:49

I know it hurts, but there isn't much you can do about it - the most important thing is that you are his ONLY wife

and next time someone makes a comment like this just tell them "yes, i am! he invested in an upgrade!" and let them deal with the awkwardness of it

Bluemuf · 16/05/2023 16:50

MIL's support of ex is probably in part compensating for her son's terrible behaviour towards her.

Bluemuf · 16/05/2023 16:52

PaintedEgg · 16/05/2023 16:49

I know it hurts, but there isn't much you can do about it - the most important thing is that you are his ONLY wife

and next time someone makes a comment like this just tell them "yes, i am! he invested in an upgrade!" and let them deal with the awkwardness of it

Really don't do that. Sometimes advice on here astounds me. How could that possibly make OP's situation better?

PaintedEgg · 16/05/2023 16:54

Bluemuf · 16/05/2023 16:52

Really don't do that. Sometimes advice on here astounds me. How could that possibly make OP's situation better?

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I genuinely don't believe in letting it slide when people are rude to us - if you make it obvious enough you're being sarcastic then maybe the author of this comment will think twice before letting their stupidity run wild

Bluemuf · 16/05/2023 16:57

PaintedEgg · 16/05/2023 16:54

I genuinely don't believe in letting it slide when people are rude to us - if you make it obvious enough you're being sarcastic then maybe the author of this comment will think twice before letting their stupidity run wild

Show quote history

So you'd insult a third party which everyone is fond of? How does that help anyone?

PaintedEgg · 16/05/2023 17:01

I'd make it clear that this is a jab at the person making a comment not an actual insult towards his ex - but I am awful and confrontational and none of the treatment OP has endured would fly with me very well

MetalFences · 16/05/2023 17:01

and next time someone makes a comment like this just tell them "yes, i am! he invested in an upgrade!" and let them deal with the awkwardness of it

But they wouldn't feel awkward, they would just think she was a bit of a twat. Or nine. 'My dad's bigger than your dad'.

Also, that's no way to carry on at the Post Office!Confused

Notonthestairs · 16/05/2023 17:02

"and next time someone makes a comment like this just tell them "yes, i am! he invested in an upgrade!" and let them deal with the awkwardness of it"

Implicit in this is that the Ex wife is somehow lesser. Given that she doesn't appear to have done anything wrong I'm not sure why anyone would want to do that.

If you want to make the other person feel awkward at least be straightforward - I don't like being referred to as the new wife. Just wife will do.

Really the Op has to catch herself every time she compares herself unfavourably to the Ex. She's in a happy relationship, they have a child they love, everyone else will adapt.
Other people's opinions of you are their business. Just value yourself.

ejbaxa · 16/05/2023 17:03

I think the crux of this is that your dh cheated on his first wife, who your MIL loved like a daughter.

My BIL cheated on his long term partner who my MIL loved like a daughter. To my MIL, the end of the relationship was like a bereavement.

Unfortunately you seem to be paying the price for your dh’s cheating, even though it wasn’t you he was cheating with.

Arewehumanorarewecupboards · 16/05/2023 17:03

Well his mum is a dick.

He is with you, you have a child. Rise above it.
Yes, it’s hurtful at the moment but they’ll get over it.

Original poster
newbielife · 16/05/2023 17:09

@ejbaxa yes that's exactly it, they get on very well and she (MIL) took the divorce very badly, she actually had a mental breakdown that coincided with it all.
I'm not here to slag off the ex but she really isn't a particularly wonderful person, she's actually incredibly self involved, my husband carries a tremendous amount of guilt over the whole thing and is as nice as he can be about her but when he talks about some of the things she did in the relationship I do think there was blame on both sides

OP posts:
Bluemuf · 16/05/2023 17:11

newbielife · 16/05/2023 17:09

@ejbaxa yes that's exactly it, they get on very well and she (MIL) took the divorce very badly, she actually had a mental breakdown that coincided with it all.
I'm not here to slag off the ex but she really isn't a particularly wonderful person, she's actually incredibly self involved, my husband carries a tremendous amount of guilt over the whole thing and is as nice as he can be about her but when he talks about some of the things she did in the relationship I do think there was blame on both sides

That's terribly nice of him. You don't like her based on what's he's told you, but everyone else does?

Does everyone know you aren't the woman he cheated with? What was the time frame? Even if it's true, do they believe it?

PaintedEgg · 16/05/2023 17:15

@newbielife of course he doesn't like her - he would not have cheated and left her if he did, and while it wasn't classy way to go about it, there's always two sides of the story

you're not obliged to be nice to people when they're clearly and unfairly mean to you

or "kill them with kindness" if you have patience for it

WonderingWanda · 16/05/2023 17:16

Your mil isn't being very nice to you for no good reason. She could like and be involved with both you and the Ex, you aren't the other woman so I am sure the Ex isn't driving this. Mil seems overly invested in the ex.

It's weird that his parents put pressure on him to marry and were so upset with him they cut him off. Even if my child grows up and cheats on someone I will still love them. I might be disappointed but it won't stop them being the most important people to me. I'd be inclined to tell mil exactly how she was making me feel, nothing to lose if she dislikes you anyway.

If his family were more welcoming to you, you wouldn't feel the way you do about comments from strangers. I also wonder if this is how his family describe you 'The new wife' in a disparaging way.

5128gap · 16/05/2023 17:52

The attitude of the local people is much more likely to be reflective of their opinion of your H than of you. If he cheated on a well liked and respected woman (who cares for their sick animals no less!) then they probably think he's not the most reliable relationship wise, so in their minds you're 'the woman the vets cheating husband took up with after he left her'.
Your MiL sounds difficult. Any possibility she's keeping her distance because she doesn't want to get too involved with her sons marriages again?
I'm not sure there's much you can do tbh except ignore it or leave the village. Sounds to me you're the victim of your Hs bad behaviour, which is very unfair. But people love to punish a woman for the misdeeds of a man.

Original poster
newbielife · 16/05/2023 18:01

@5128gap but there is a difference between being 'involved' and basic manners.
When we told her we were having a baby she didn't have one nice thing to say, she said 'oh dear' over and over,
I have had people who I barely know offer to help with child care, she hasn't even offered.
There is absolutely no way anyone would think I was the other woman, or even confuse me with her. It was talk of the town.

OP posts:
Frankieisbackfromhollywood · 16/05/2023 18:10

You sound like a desperately unhappy and very isolated person, who lives in such a small place everyone knows everyone and gossips. I live in a tiny village and it’s not that bad, but your mil is making it worse. Do you have no friends or social network of your own? What happened ?

CantGetDecentNickname · 16/05/2023 18:14

I think you should get your DH to talk to his "D"M and let her know that he didn't appreciate the pressure he was put under to marry the first time or her ignoring her own grandchild. He needs to stand up for you since he has already been cut off and has nothing to lose. Her behaviour sounds very controlling.

After that, you can safely ignore her. You can always quietly say to the odd person (preferably the village gossip) how sad it is that she doesn't want to know her own grandchild and prefers playing happy families with a DC that she isn't related to. I'd also be looking to move away from MIL, but not too far from his other DC. Would it be possible to move to the other end of the village or another village nearby? Just enough to give you some space and to avoid bumping into her. You have tried to have a relationship with her and she doesn't want one so just leave it to your DH if he wants to try.

5128gap · 16/05/2023 18:15

newbielife · 16/05/2023 18:01

@5128gap but there is a difference between being 'involved' and basic manners.
When we told her we were having a baby she didn't have one nice thing to say, she said 'oh dear' over and over,
I have had people who I barely know offer to help with child care, she hasn't even offered.
There is absolutely no way anyone would think I was the other woman, or even confuse me with her. It was talk of the town.

She does sound awful. I'm sorry for you you're in that position. Hopefully you've enough supportive people around you to balance her out. Like I said, I think the villagers behaviour is about him and their disapproval, not you.

VivaVivaa · 16/05/2023 18:16

MIL (and likely all the family) feel desperately guilty. I don’t blame her. Her son cheated on his long term partner and the mother of his children. Doesn’t matter what the flaws are in her personality, that is shitty behaviour from him. I would chose my SIL and her kids over my brother if he jacked them in for another woman to be honest. It’s a shame you are in the firing line when you aren’t the other woman - you don’t deserve any of it. But I can see why his family and friends are struggling so much when in the space of 4 years he’s left his wife for another woman, subsequently ditched that woman, met another woman, married her and had a baby with her. I’d struggle to support and be on board with that.

Ellie450 · 16/05/2023 18:22

His ex that he was with for over 10 years is a respected and liked veterinarian but he was only married to her for two years, under pressure from his family, before cheating and leaving her.

You were successful and ran your own business that you had to sell in order to take maternity leave, and now just have a part time job. Was he supportive of you trying to keep the business, or did he push you to sell? I wonder how he would feel about you starting another business and having more success.

Just be careful, OP.

Original poster
newbielife · 16/05/2023 18:41

@CantGetDecentNickname but I think he does have a lot to loose, she's very good to his first DC, and she is the first he calls when he needs someone to help with child care

OP posts:
Namechange828492 · 16/05/2023 18:42

Do your family live relatively close?

Is there an area you could move to that is near for the SDC but you'll be "unknown"? It doesn't sound like it will get better with all the local gossip and it's not really a situation you can live in long term

Original poster
newbielife · 16/05/2023 18:48

@Namechange828492 yea my family are local too, I love the area, well I used to anyway. The only reason I want to move has come about because of my relationship.

OP posts: