I hate being the 'new wife'

[newbielife]

I live in a small town. I married a divorced man with children. His ex wife is very well known and is a Vet in the area. She is respected, liked and is attractive
I feel like everyone is judging me against her, even my MIL.
I feel like I've lost my identity and now I'm just his 'new wife' some people have actually called me 'Andy's new wife' to my face!
I have a child with him and we have been married for 2 years. I feel like packing the three of us up and moving somewhere new... or just packing myself and my baby (1yo) and going the two of us.
Does anyone else ever feel like this?

@newbielife I wouldn't concern yourself when people refer to you as 'Andy's new wife' as that's what you are to people who knew his previous wife. It's just a figure of speech. Thoughtless perhaps, to you for sure. But I don't think people would realise it's a thoughtless reference until it's pointed out to them.

As for the rest, it's important that you remember that it doesn't matter. You obviously have a wonderful and loving relationship with your husband. You don't need to worry about the other stuff, you don't need to be validated by anyone else, and you shouldn't trouble yourself by thinking about what sort of person his ex wife was/is.

Genuinely, how did you find him or his circumstances attractive!? Was he your last chance saloon? Fertility clock was running out fast? OLD was too much of a hassle? I wouldn't dream of touching someone like this with a bargepole! It does sound like you're being treated like a latest trophy in his collection of women he's dated!

He left his wife, and he left the woman he left her for.

If it's anything like my very small hometown, they're taking bets on how long your marriage will last and assuming that he'll leave you too after a couple more years.

Your MiL may have status invested in not getting close to you.

I moved away from that small town culture - it was stifling. But if you are from there, you'll know what it's like.

This may sound trite but based on my own experience, I mostly standby it...

You cannot control the thoughts, feelings or actions of those around you, you can only influence your own.

Alternatively, if someone refers or implies that you are the new wife, just refer to your DH as your 'current husband'

I’m sorry to say but I expect people think of you as his current wife, and from what you’ve written he does have form for being, shall we say, less than faithful?
Also, if your MIL has grandchildren ranging in age from 18 to 1 she may be no spring chicken herself and just can’t cope caring for a baby.

OP it honestly sounds like MIL has issues with her son and thats what it is rather than you specifically. clearly she is unhappy about his cheating and is coming round in her own time.

She probably said "Oh dear over and over" because of what happened to his first marriage when dc2 was a baby and dc1 a toddler.

Dc1 was a happy accident, and is now 12. Then they got married, and had a "planned" dc2 who is now 9. They were married two years, so at MOST dc2 was 15 months old when he was cheating on his wife and the marriage ended. Something that caused so much harm his mother had a breakdown.

It's understandable that she'd be concerned - the last time he was married with a baby he cheated on his wife and everyone was hurt. His track record of how he behaved as a husband with very young children didn't bode well for the future.

A man who could cheat on his wife two years into marriage, with a toddler and a baby isn't someone I'd trust a second time. You're the "new wife" because they are waiting for the leopard to show his spots, and now you have the baby they think it's just a matter of time.

I think you just need to face it out.

The MIL, accept she's never going to be someone you like. If he wants hosm other to have a relationship with his youngest child, he needs to do something about it. You focus on yourself, your daughter and your side. Just blank her out.

The new wife comments, well it's happened once? But of someone says it again, just smile and say we'll not that new, it's been 5 years / ooh I'm flattered I still look as young as I was back then etc.

His friends, it takes time. If they're rude or mean, then he should step up.

I think with closing your business, you've lost your sense of self and that's compounding everything. You need to work on finding you

My ex-MIL prefers me to her son 😂 and certainly doesn't like his "new wife". 🤷‍♀️

In the nicest possible way, you need to focus more on your own life - your mother, your family, your friends: prioritise yourself and all these other issues will fade more into the background.

I don't think there is anything wrong with people saying you are his new wife. I would think they are trying to not say 'Andy's wife' because people might go 'oh I thought he was married to so and so?' And then a conversation would ensue about 'oh yes he was but then he cheated on her and then he ended that relationship and now he's with OP'. It's a polite way of acknowledging who you are to prevent that, in my mind. It's also just a factual statement, it's not an insult, perhaps try to stop seeing it as such. It does sound like you are insecure and this is feeding off that.

Your MIL sounds like she is being a bit guarded. That must be difficult, I think the poster who said she might be holding you at arms length in case the same thing happens again may be onto something. It's not worth her investing heavily as he might repeat what he has done before, and she's already got enough on her plate with his DC from his first marriage.

saying "you're a so and so's second wife" is a asshole thing to say to someone in the first place that

given it is apparently not the first time it happened, at some point you should snap back at people

They don't say 2nd, they say new. If OP was his first wife, she wouldn't even notice, might even enjoy being described as his new (as in recent) wife.

But she isn't his "new wife" either - they have been married for two years and if the town is so small they keep track of people's marriages and divorces they could also keep track of that.

It's interesting how my lighthearted comment about taking a jab at someone's lack of tact seemed to gain greater reaction from people then how OP is treated by people who would have known her in some capacity for much longer than they have known her husband (she is from this village after all).

Of course one can always "be above it all" but this is clearly not working for OP. Sure, no need to be my particular brand of mean (I know I am, works great though), but constantly letting it slide from both strangers and her mother in law is clearly causing continuous upset.

Her husband should sort his mother out - her attitude is disgusting...and OP shouldn't be expected to just stay silent when people act this way

As a matter of fact - how long does her husband need to be paying for ending his first serious relationship? Sure, it ended in an ugly way, but he's married, his ex moved on, the mother should too

If anyone says it again just say "yes, I'm the upgrade" 😂

Was none of this clear to you before you married and had a child with this man?

I don't think it's particularly fair for him to move away from his existing children. He's put them through a fair amount of upheaval - walked out on them, met someone else, left her, met someone else and had another baby. He's a poor role model and not a trustworthy man and that is what everybody, including his mother, are reacting to.

Some of this seems to be your own doing though? If you wanted a big wedding, there was nothing stopping you from doing so. Why didn't you (both) factor in maternity savings and childcare costs so you could keep your business? You seem to be making all the sacrifice and you don't even feel rewarded for it. Could he not have taken a chunk of parental leave?

Does he actually ask his mum to look after your shared child? I know you said you've asked, but has he? He's clearly really damaged his relationship with her. She's probably ashamed of him.

She is the new wife if it's the first time they've met since the wedding. It would be very weird to say it otherwise.

I think you are being a bit sensitive tbh OP, I don’t think people are saying it to be mean, even though it clearly touches a nerve for you, try not to let it show.

The MIL situation is a tricky one, she feels loyalty to her DIL & GC. I know in these circumstances my late MIL would have be the same, she absolutely adored me and our boys, as we did her. She would have found it very difficult to accept a new partner if my DH had put her in that situation.

These things take time and patience.

Wishing you all the best going forward.

He has a history, if you get with someone who has been married before that's something you have to accept. And i do think you sound a little insecure and are comparing yourself to the ex wife with some of your comments. Why couldn't you have the wedding you wanted? He chose to leave her, and he chose you-under no duress. That tells you everything you need to know. And you are happy! Id maybe have some
Counselling to put these feelings to bed.

I'd try to separate that from people being rude to you and having no manners. People do do this. Its not about you-some people have no
Social skills to talk about modern families and relationships. I went to an engagement party a couple of years ago. It was this lovely girls first time and her H2Bs second and people were vile every time her back was turned. 'Oh were was first wedding' 'were was the first stag do' 'who was best man last time'. It was rude. Its not right. But its not about you as a person. Its about people being socially inept and a little uncomfortable.

And i'd separate it from mother in law being unkind towards her new grandchild. It really isn't about you-shes just taken badly to the divorce and would be like this to whoever her son was with. Honestly i believe that.

No they would just think you are a very rude person, as would anyone else in earshot.

It’s rare that behaving that sort of way isn’t noticed negatively, even if people are polite to you to your face to avoid conflict.

"oh, you're john's wife!"

there, done

sure, just like I think that this person behaviour was very rude

changes his life, doesn't it?

Really your MIL is annoyed because her son married very well then fucked it up.

It was talk of the town.

I can well understand why you want to leave OP - small towns and everyone knowing your business is bad enough - but it sounds like a lot of people also feel that you don't have a right to be married to and have a DC with your DH, which is horrendous.

Your MIL sounds like the MIL from hell and unhealthily involved in her DS's life. She babysits for his ex's new DC with her second DH, but won't babysit your baby, who is her GC? WTAF???

I'm with you - I'd leave that town and move somewhere else. Somewhere where no one knows you and where you'll just be accepted as a couple with a young DC and all the history will be irrelevant.

I think you need to move to a new village even if it’s just five miles away.