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Original poster

I hate being the 'new wife'

123 replies

newbielife · 16/05/2023 15:34

I live in a small town. I married a divorced man with children. His ex wife is very well known and is a Vet in the area. She is respected, liked and is attractive
I feel like everyone is judging me against her, even my MIL.
I feel like I've lost my identity and now I'm just his 'new wife' some people have actually called me 'Andy's new wife' to my face!
I have a child with him and we have been married for 2 years. I feel like packing the three of us up and moving somewhere new... or just packing myself and my baby (1yo) and going the two of us.
Does anyone else ever feel like this?

OP posts:
MechyMagic · 16/05/2023 19:10

newbielife · 16/05/2023 16:23

@Sweetandsourdough he left her for another woman, he didn't stay with other woman for long, he said he was unhappy and not settled for a long time. He felt he was pushed into to marrying his ex by pressure from his parents. One child was a 'happy accident' then he got married to her and the second was planned

And this is why you're the "new wife" they expect him to have another. They are judging him, not you.

billy1966 · 16/05/2023 19:20

I mean this kindly, but what exactly was the attraction of such a shit show?

He's no prize and you have given up far too much.

It sounds really awful, so exposed, so enmeshed, awful MiL.

Seriously think of moving.
Seriously think of your independence and finances.

You have my sympathy, your situation would give me the itch.

PaintedEgg · 16/05/2023 19:26

I think people are slightly exaggerating the magnitude of this "shitshow".

relationships to fall apart all the time - sure, this was a nasty way out but that does not mean OPs husband has to spend the rest of his wife feeling guilty for leaving when even his ex has moved on

BananaBlue · 16/05/2023 19:34

You sound so sad OP.

Is there a bit of an age gap between you and DH?

Does MIL need to help DH with childcare often? I’m assuming 50:50 rather than EOW as you all sound close but wondered if she feels out upon?

Best thing you can prob do is stay close with your family to reduce feeling of isolation and rise above what others have to say.

billy1966 · 16/05/2023 19:35

Living in a fishbowl tiny village with everyone knowing your business, your husbands previous infidelity, causing your MIL to be completely disinterested in your child, being referred to as the new wife by the village 🙄......

Some may think that is fine and dandy, but for others, myself included, it sounds utterly ghastly.

FatAgain · 16/05/2023 19:44

PaintedEgg · 16/05/2023 16:49

I know it hurts, but there isn't much you can do about it - the most important thing is that you are his ONLY wife

and next time someone makes a comment like this just tell them "yes, i am! he invested in an upgrade!" and let them deal with the awkwardness of it

Yeah don’t do this ….dick move 🙄

CoronationKicking · 16/05/2023 19:46

They don't want to get close because they see it as temporary. He's proven himself on that front

redbigbananafeet · 16/05/2023 19:47

Next time they say it, reply "Do you mean 'upgraded'l?

PaintedEgg · 16/05/2023 19:47

FatAgain · 16/05/2023 19:44

Yeah don’t do this ….dick move 🙄

Show quote history

I agree - that's why I would do it

FloweryGardener · 16/05/2023 19:56

PaintedEgg · 16/05/2023 16:49

I know it hurts, but there isn't much you can do about it - the most important thing is that you are his ONLY wife

and next time someone makes a comment like this just tell them "yes, i am! he invested in an upgrade!" and let them deal with the awkwardness of it

FGS don't say that!

Blossombathing · 16/05/2023 20:13

I would move. Fresh start, no judgement.

UndercoverCop · 16/05/2023 20:21

New? I hadn't thought of it like that for a while. Four/five years we've been together now and of course he was with Susan for a couple of years after he left Donna. All seems like such a long time ago now....

Comfortingpigeon · 16/05/2023 20:21

If you rise to the comments in ANY way, people will know you're touchy about it and that will be the gossip

Notonthestairs · 16/05/2023 20:32

Blossombathing · 16/05/2023 20:13

I would move. Fresh start, no judgement.

He does have kids in the village and the Op has family.
I mean obviously they can move but they can't exactly disappear.

I think it will dissipate over time. It's just a question of tuning out the naysayers and concentrating on their relationship.

LittleBrenda · 16/05/2023 20:39

redbigbananafeet · 16/05/2023 19:47

Next time they say it, reply "Do you mean 'upgraded'l?

Won't the person just look at you like you are a nut?

LivingDeadGirlUK · 16/05/2023 20:40

It's probably something that will get better with time OP, from your updates I think PP has hit the nail on the head that given his past behavior, they aren't expecting you to be the last wife.

Can you look into rebuilding your business if it was successful?

Fizzadora · 16/05/2023 20:45

I think the "new wife" comments while annoying, are a bit of a red herring. The problem here really is your MIL.
What does your husband think about his mother's refusal to look after her grandchild when she's happy to look after his ex's child?
Tell him to resolve it with his mother so that she treats you and your child with the respect you deserve, or you will tackle her yourself, otherwise this uncomfortable situation is likely to deteriorate. Be prepared to follow through on your wish to move yourself and your child away from her nasty behaviour. Your child will pick up on it when they are older.
Oh and start making plans to get another business up and running and don't even think about having another.

PaintedEgg · 16/05/2023 20:51

Blossombathing · 16/05/2023 20:13

I would move. Fresh start, no judgement.

she lived there before, her family and likely friends live there...it's not really reasonable to expect her to move when it's not her fault people are being nasty and invasive

SecretsIWouldNeverTell · 16/05/2023 20:56

billy1966 · 16/05/2023 19:35

Living in a fishbowl tiny village with everyone knowing your business, your husbands previous infidelity, causing your MIL to be completely disinterested in your child, being referred to as the new wife by the village 🙄......

Some may think that is fine and dandy, but for others, myself included, it sounds utterly ghastly.

This. ^ Couldn't think of anything worse. Sounds like the first episode of a BBC drama...

The Ex-Wife - Wikipedia

The Ex-Wife - Wikipedia

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Ex-Wife

Desperatelywantinganother · 16/05/2023 21:08

You need to be a vet.
Not really, but you need to be something in their eyes that is not related to your husband or his ex. You need people to recognize you as a person beyond those family relationships. A job where you have a lot of interaction with local people could help, if that’s a possibility.

Boudicasbeard · 16/05/2023 21:30

Why are you standing for this OP. This is your home. You were there with your family before either of them- find some way to remind people of that.

You aren’t his new wife. He is your first husband.

I find having (or faking) confidence in yourself has a ripple effect. Try to find some of the confidence you felt before your relationship. If MIL or the ex want to make things awkward then that is their problem.

And it is MILs loss if she doesn’t want a relationship with your child. You might find she changes her mind as your DC grows up and becomes a fully formed person.

Dreamsy · 16/05/2023 21:35

Probably it's partly your insecurities and partly people judging / comparing you to her. Honestly, I would save yourself the headache and move away with your family. It doesn't need to be far, just far enough to have a new start, the both of you! Life is too short to deal with this crap! Best of luck.

Remagirl · 16/05/2023 21:43

PaintedEgg · 16/05/2023 16:49

I know it hurts, but there isn't much you can do about it - the most important thing is that you are his ONLY wife

and next time someone makes a comment like this just tell them "yes, i am! he invested in an upgrade!" and let them deal with the awkwardness of it

People will think you're an arsehole if you say this. I'm sure you know that though 😂

FloweryName · 16/05/2023 22:06

newbielife · 16/05/2023 18:01

@5128gap but there is a difference between being 'involved' and basic manners.
When we told her we were having a baby she didn't have one nice thing to say, she said 'oh dear' over and over,
I have had people who I barely know offer to help with child care, she hasn't even offered.
There is absolutely no way anyone would think I was the other woman, or even confuse me with her. It was talk of the town.

Why do you think she should have offered to do childcare for you?

You’ve acknowledged that she helps your DH a lot with childcare already, so what makes you think she’s obliged to help him even more?

Orangetreexherry · 16/05/2023 22:12

People are probably bored and want drama. If that helps, Princess of Wales is still called Kate Middleton