Nesting or 60/40 split between houses? Which is better for kids?

[Mammamia2323]

Currently facing separation from husband after years of trying to make things work. Two DC early secondary age. Facing the reality of them changing between houses etc, and wondering about nesting.
Has anyone done either and can advise on how either option was for kids - and for them?!

How far away would you live if not together and how do you get on?

nesting sounds awful for everyone

We would live close by (same area). We get on ok. No other people involved and mostly manage to be amicable.
Can you say more re nesting?

We do EOWeekend with my ex (with whom I’m very amicable) and one night during the week.

works really well. Children especially this age need a base. Not a split life. So with me 80% of time.

Unless you live in a mansion, think about it OP

the evenings when children in bed, sharing a bathroom, cooking just endless reasons why potential shit show

Isn’t nesting when one parent moves out for their non-contact days and then they swap, with both parents living in the same other property when they are not with the children? Not both continuing to live in the same house?

@slamfightbrightlight yes that’s my understanding. We wouldn’t be living together but would be sharing space. It’s been a long road to the split so not sure how that would be. But feel guilty about kids shuttling around.

dh wouldn’t agree to 80% with me, but we would live close to each other

Nesting doesn’t seem to be very popular, I guess there must be reasons for that?

But the alternative is kids moving between houses a lot, or one parent not seeing them much?

I think it’s expensive because you need 3 properties
One for the kids
One for each parent to rotate back to when it’s not their time with the kids (if you don’t each have a property it is hard to build up your own new life)

I know a divorced couple who bought two houses in streets next to one another. So they couldn't see each other coming and going but the dc can get from one to another in three minutes if they have forgotten their PE kit. They can walk to school and back with the same friends, that sort of thing.

The houses are the same as each other and the dc have the same room in each house. Not exactly the same decor wise obviously!

I don't see how nesting could work. You'd resent the other latent for not taking out the bin or getting milk in both of the homes. You wouldn't have a home that was yours.

I think nesting is much fairer on the kids at that age. They do really need a base. Hats off to you if you can manage it until the end of secondary school though!

I did the nesting thing for 18 months whilst waiting for a house purchase and renovation. Pure Hell!
Ex DH was horribly messy anyway but i think he figured as I'd be there, he didnt need to do any housekeeping. It was exhausting. And then made more complex by us both getting new partners

@greenmarsupial yes it does seem fairer for kids but then I worry it would be years more difficulty for husband and I rather than being able to ‘move on’… and us being unhappy isn’t good for them either. It’s so hard (hence why I didn’t want to split in the first place but it’s become unavoidable it seems)

@Somertime god that sounds awful. ‘Pure hell’ is exactly my fear! And I’ve had enough of that frankly…

I feel for you! Don't forget that the kids will be able to have an input on what they want as they get older. I grew up with a 50/50 split and hated it especially as I got to teen years so ended up asking to stay in one place full time. It may not be what your STBXH wants but it might not be up to hmm!

If his lack of housework annoys you then nesting will piss you off. You'll be stocking up the fridge, cleaning etc while he acts the same way that he always did because you'll be cleaning up. Nightmare scenario is that you end up cleaning 2 homes.

I can see the appeal of nesting but 2 other issues are privacy and new partners. How will you feel if you leave a letter there and he reads it? He might have something to say about you buying new clothes or the fact that you spent money at a restaurant. How do you make sure you're not arriving to empty cupboards or that you owe 50% on a shop on items you wouldn't cook with?

New partners also changes the dynamic. Nesting means more contact with ex about the houses and to new partners it looks too enmeshed. They may try and convince you or him to separate completely.

I know someone who did this. They had children of 14 1/2 and 12 so wanted stability until kids through GCSE's years. They had the family home and they bought a one bedroom flat close by. They each spent a week at the house whilst the other stayed at the flat. With kids going to parent in flat one evening each week but home to sleep. It worked ok for 2 years so the eldest child through GCSE but then she got a new partner and her ex did not like him in the flat or house so the arrangement stopped working. They sold up both properties and split equity and both bought a 2 bedroom property but it meant the 2 boys had to share a room after having their own room before. It could work if no other people were involved.

With really young children - I can see some sense in nesting, at least initially as kids are getting used to parents separation. As it gives them stability.
But with secondary age - kids are much more able to understand divorce, and are more resilient.
’Shuttling’ between houses can work ok if you set it up in a way that makes sense for their schedules/activities.
If you are planning to to have something close to 50/50 split - then one week on/off works well for people.

With us - my similarly ages kids are with their father EOW (Fri-Mon drop off), and two week nights on alternate weeks.
It works. They see both parents.

Nesting would have been a nightmare. No privacy, no own place for either adult. Moving on not really easy/possible.

My kids were a little older than yours when we a split and their father left and moved into his own place. Our kids had the free choice of where to live and they have chosen to live 100% with me.

It doesn’t matter how much your husband “ won’t agree “ to the kids living where they want - at their age they have the choice and it’s pretty much impossible to force then to do anything they don’t want to. So you can make careful plans to cater to your husbands ego but the kids will spoil them and do their own thing ( either subtly or overly , depending on their personality ).

My ex made a bit of a show of wanting the kids to live with him eg designated two bedrooms in his house as “theirs”. But the kids knew it was just performative.

For the first few months they went to his house twice a week for dinner at most . But they he told them that he was going to reduce the child maintenance he used to pay me as they were costing him too much to feed , so they stopped going because they thought he was an a*hole. He earns over £250k PA BTW.

Then their father gave up pretending that he didn’t have OW and she moved in. So now the kids go about once every few months for dinner when she is out and he gets them a carry out. That’s his entire contribution to parenting then and supporting them.

My experience is that most men get a new partner very quickly and a lot of the time, teenagers CBA to deal with OW / another partner trying to be nice to them. And their father pretending to be a great dad to impress her . It’s all too much drama and most of them would rather hang out with their friends / stay at home on the X box.

My kids would have HATED nesting - they like the security of their own house, knowing all the rules and routines. And my ex would have spend his time messing up the house, eating all the food , letting them trash their rooms / do no homework / never shower etc and then enjoy letting me clear up all up. While chanting “ This is what you wanted “.

Nesting also relies on both parents doing 50:50 and acting like mature, responsible, selfless adults. And is that’s who you ex is then you are unlikely to be divorcing him.

@jsku thank you, good to hear that your situation is working. How do kids find it? Is it tricky with moving stuff between places etc?

we are thinking something like EOW with husband and also two nights a week - which is 60/40ish I think! But would mean a changeover in the middle of the week.

@WheelsUp yes I am going off the idea of nesting tbh! Not so much because of housework, but it has been such a miserable time I need some sense of a fresh start and ‘moving on’…

If you can afford to live close by each other and the children can go between the houses when they want, it's probably the best outcome. Nesting probably works best for a set period though I know someone who has done it for over 10 years due to very specific circumstances (house adapted for very high needs child) both parents now have other partners they stay with but used to go to their parents.

I think you also have to consider your own happiness in this. I discussed nesting as an option with my ex when we separated. My solicitor made a very good point…….what happens 1 or 2 years down the line when one of you feels ready to move on and starts seeing someone else? Would you be happy with him bringing someone back to the shared flat? Also I think it’s important for you to have boundaries and your own private space. In the early days of separation it feels like a good idea but I would have concerns about how I would feel later on.

To add to this, my ex lives round the corner from me and it works well all things considered. The kids can walk between the two houses and I don’t have to be so involved with handovers. Best of both worlds

Thanks both. I agree re nesting and my own future happiness (and husbands!), also the one bed flats we’ve looked at to rent are not much less expensive than a (small) family sized house…

I think I’m looking for a way to make it not hard on the kids, but there isn’t a way. I am also dreading spending time apart from them tbh but at least if they are close I can pop over etc… (we have agreed this, to be flexible especially in the beginning)

If the ex is close enough then why do EOW and ad hoc weeknights? Just do a full week at each so less moving around. They can call or face time the other parent as needed.

@Mammamia2323

There is actually not as much ‘moving the stuff between houses’. Most of their clothes are at my place. They have some casual clothes at their dad’s that mostly stays there.
When they go during the week - he picks then up from school - drops them there.
Sometimes they pack a backpack for the weekend if they need something special.

As long as both of their places has their basic hygiene products and some clothes - it’s not that complicated really, if you have a set routine.