Page 4 | Nesting or 60/40 split between houses? Which is better for kids?

Mammamia2323 · 2023-05-15T14:58:19+00:00

Currently facing separation from husband after years of trying to make things work. Two DC early secondary age. Facing the reality of them changing between houses etc, and wondering about nesting. Has anyone done either and can advise on how either option was for kids - and for them?!

DreamingCatTwitches · 16/05/2023 22:48

Esmejane81 · 16/05/2023 22:46

A stable environment is one where there isn’t tension in the household.

And it can be misleading for the kids to stay in the family home like this as it has given my eldest the impression there may be a chance of reconciliation which there is not.

some people choose to stay together “for the sake of the kids” etc but actually it’s far more harmful to leave them in a household where there’s constant arguing and tension than it is to separate and have two households.

I have experienced nesting, unless you and your ex remain extremely good friends and there are no other issues, I would not recommend it.

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Did you experience it as a child with nesting parents?

HT56 · 16/05/2023 22:52

To be honest no split is ever going to be easy for kids, whichever solution you choose.

DreamingCatTwitches · 16/05/2023 22:52

Also, with shared custody there can be a lot of tension and lack of cooperation between the parents which is a total headfuck on top of the headfuck of living on the constant move like a refugee, having to remember to pack your schoolbooks, changes of clothes, etc. Never being able to get deep into any hobby. Always on the move.

DreamingCatTwitches · 16/05/2023 22:53

Nesting is harder on the parents better for the kids. Shunting kids between two homes is better for parents, worse for kids.

Esmejane81 · 16/05/2023 22:54

DreamingCatTwitches · 16/05/2023 22:48

Did you experience it as a child with nesting parents?

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No.

I experienced parents who most definitely should not have stayed together.

I have discussed the current arrangement I have with a children’s counsellor who has recommended that our current arrangement is not proving healthy for them.

You are clearly strongly opinionated and that’s your prerogative but perhaps be less judgemental unless you have lived it.

DreamingCatTwitches · 16/05/2023 22:55

Esmejane81 · 16/05/2023 22:54

No.

I experienced parents who most definitely should not have stayed together.

I have discussed the current arrangement I have with a children’s counsellor who has recommended that our current arrangement is not proving healthy for them.

You are clearly strongly opinionated and that’s your prerogative but perhaps be less judgemental unless you have lived it.

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I lived shared custody between to acrimoniously divorced parents. Hence my strong opinion.

DreamingCatTwitches · 16/05/2023 22:55

Two

TorviShieldMaiden · 19/05/2023 12:34

My children don’t pack spare clothes as they have clothes at both houses. The school bag issue never seems to be an issue. I’m not sure what you mean by a hobby? They are never away from any house for more than 5 days. We sometimes transport models and stuff if they want to work on them at the other house. Sometimes they pop over and finish something they were working on. As to evening hobbies there are no issues as we live less than a mile from each other.

I asked my children if they’d like to spend longer at one house and they said no.

TorviShieldMaiden · 19/05/2023 12:35

We as the adults are responsible for packing the stuff they do carry between (laptop, iPad), as it is our split. If anything is forgotten, one of us brings it over to the other house, we ensure they aren’t disadvantaged in that way.

Newbutoldfather · 19/05/2023 13:21

Contrary to what many say on here, going between houses, if well managed, is fine. There are even benefits. My boys see different friends at both houses (as they are closer), have different favourite possessions and get a nice variety of meals, as we tend to cook different things.

Yes, it is a bit of a faff moving and they do occasionally leave things, but it is trivial really. In lockdown, they got far more variety than children of non-divorced parents!

No one pities families who go to their country houses every weekend. If both parents are decent parents, it really isn’t a hardship.

Original poster

Mammamia2323 · 19/05/2023 14:10

Thank you @Newbutoldfather that is reassuring. Having such a hard day of it today, still haven’t told the kids and just absolutely dreading it. :(

OP posts:

Original poster

Mammamia2323 · 19/05/2023 14:11

And thank you for all the replies. I barely know anyone IRL who has split up so it’s just great to hear different experiences.

OP posts:

DreamingCatTwitches · 19/05/2023 15:32

I would like to hear from the kids with two homes in 15-20 years time how ‘fine’ it is to have two of everything. Favourite cuddly toy? Art project using glue, string, etc which is too fragile to move? Maybe it is telling if there is a lack of these kinds of hobbies and projects. Being on the constant move, never really being able to settle anywhere, you don’t feel like you can take a deep breath before you are on the bloody move again.

Btw - it is harmful to bullshit your kids and make out there is any advantage to a life of disruption and ‘two of everything’.
Be honest with your kids. Let them know it is far from ideal, difficult to bear, but once they leave home they can get a chance to settle and begin their lives properly. Tell them mummy any daddy have made these choices which best suit themselves, and once you are older, you can make choices to best suit yourselves.

W0tnow · 19/05/2023 15:37

I hated going from mum’s place to dad’s place. It was a pita. No kid likes it.

I can’t imagine nesting to be much fun for the parents though.

DreamingCatTwitches · 19/05/2023 15:41

W0tnow · 19/05/2023 15:37

I hated going from mum’s place to dad’s place. It was a pita. No kid likes it.

I can’t imagine nesting to be much fun for the parents though.

Agreed. It’s definitely a choice between what is best for the kids and best for the parents.

I can’t stand parents skinning what suits themselves with bs that this relentless disruption is in any way good for the kids.

Shared custody is such a bad idea.

AntheaP · 19/05/2023 15:46

Nesting most definitely wouldn't have worked in my situation, and I honestly wouldn't have attempted it. It would have been a massive fail.

I did my best to make a less than ideal situation ok.
That was a number of years ago, and now they are adults I wouldn't expect them to put themselves in a miserable position, eg nesting, if it made them continuously unhappy. There are much better ways to get through divorce., no need for punishment.

Serena73 · 19/05/2023 16:06

If you are going to be living near each other anyway and they are already secondary school age, can't they just go to their dad's house on their own when they want? It won't be long before they're just doing their own thing anyway. I don't think the nesting thing sounds like a very nice experience for anyone.

TorviShieldMaiden · 19/05/2023 16:15

DreamingCatTwitches · 19/05/2023 15:32

I would like to hear from the kids with two homes in 15-20 years time how ‘fine’ it is to have two of everything. Favourite cuddly toy? Art project using glue, string, etc which is too fragile to move? Maybe it is telling if there is a lack of these kinds of hobbies and projects. Being on the constant move, never really being able to settle anywhere, you don’t feel like you can take a deep breath before you are on the bloody move again.

Btw - it is harmful to bullshit your kids and make out there is any advantage to a life of disruption and ‘two of everything’.
Be honest with your kids. Let them know it is far from ideal, difficult to bear, but once they leave home they can get a chance to settle and begin their lives properly. Tell them mummy any daddy have made these choices which best suit themselves, and once you are older, you can make choices to best suit yourselves.

So what do you suggest? My ex was emotionally abusive and a slob. Not a chance I was nesting with him. So I have full custody and have to give up work, my house and my life while he seams around doing what he likes? My children don’t see their dad, how is that good for children?

you’ve said your parents were not amicable, maybe that’s part of the issue.

we move art projects with glue, string and all resources between houses if needed. Why wouldn’t we?

of course I’ve apologised to my children, and said I feel awful. In response my son has said it’s much better because we are all happy. But he is clear he doesn’t want to spend more time at either house. He’s been offered it a few times.

Favourite cuddly toys get moved between house, BY US THE PARENTS. They both have a small bag that we use. We pack it, not them and it just appears at the other house as far as they are concerned.

of course I could have just stayed in an abusive relationship which wouldn’t have been good for anyone.

Original poster

Mammamia2323 · 19/05/2023 16:30

@DreamingCatTwitches i know you’re speaking from painful personal experience but please show some respect for those of us also going through painful experiences - no one wants to get divorced, but sometimes it has to happen. Parents try to do what is best for their children, sometimes they get it wrong. But your vitriol seems misdirected here.

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Newbutoldfather · 19/05/2023 17:00

@DreamingCatTwitches ,

I was about to say the same as OP, and to add that your posts seem very hyperbolic.

I am not sure what you expect to gain from them.

Obviously, in an ideal world, we would all live perfectly harmonic married lives in 6 bed houses with swimming pools and tennis courts.

However, the real world isn’t like that. Children are very adaptable and having to pack small bags twice a week to move from one comfortable house to another isn’t really a hardship. Do you reserve the same vitriol for parents whose children weekly board, have a country house , are in the military or have to travel for other reasons? I am guessing not.

Honestly, there are advantages, as I outlined above.

DreamingCatTwitches · 19/05/2023 23:21

Children are very adaptable

Such BS. Kids put up and shut up because they have no choice.

Why is it on the kids to adapt?

It’s so much better kids to have one home and visit the other parent EOW or for the parents to do ‘nesting’. It’s an insane level of disruption for children to try to form a stable routine and habits for life whilst being shunted between their parents homes twice a week.

I am sticking up for the kids here, because I have no interest in trying to minimise the harm shared custody causes so parents don’t have to feel bad about it.

I am honestly answering the OP.

Shared custody is the worst choice for the kids. I am very familiar with all the comforting lies parents tell their kids about its benefits. They offer short-term peace while causing long term damage.

Just be truthful to children when they are in a shit situation. It’s much easier to come to terms with it without the gaslighting.

DreamingCatTwitches · 19/05/2023 23:29

Mammamia2323 · 19/05/2023 16:30

@DreamingCatTwitches i know you’re speaking from painful personal experience but please show some respect for those of us also going through painful experiences - no one wants to get divorced, but sometimes it has to happen. Parents try to do what is best for their children, sometimes they get it wrong. But your vitriol seems misdirected here.

I saw the thread title, and responded according to my personal experience.

Imagine experiencing being the kid in the situation and reading your title - it would draw you in, wouldn’t it? You would feel moved to respond if being in that situation had seriously fucked up your life, wouldn’t you? You would hope that you may be able to communicate to those people blithely assuming a child’s ‘adaptability’ would leave them unscathed, was utter horseshit, so that they make a different choice, wouldn’t you?

Somanycats · 19/05/2023 23:34

DreamingCatTwitches · 16/05/2023 22:53

Nesting is harder on the parents better for the kids. Shunting kids between two homes is better for parents, worse for kids.

Yup

DreamingCatTwitches · 19/05/2023 23:42

TorviShieldMaiden · 19/05/2023 16:15

So what do you suggest? My ex was emotionally abusive and a slob. Not a chance I was nesting with him. So I have full custody and have to give up work, my house and my life while he seams around doing what he likes? My children don’t see their dad, how is that good for children?

you’ve said your parents were not amicable, maybe that’s part of the issue.

we move art projects with glue, string and all resources between houses if needed. Why wouldn’t we?

of course I’ve apologised to my children, and said I feel awful. In response my son has said it’s much better because we are all happy. But he is clear he doesn’t want to spend more time at either house. He’s been offered it a few times.

Favourite cuddly toys get moved between house, BY US THE PARENTS. They both have a small bag that we use. We pack it, not them and it just appears at the other house as far as they are concerned.

of course I could have just stayed in an abusive relationship which wouldn’t have been good for anyone.

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My ex was emotionally abusive and a slob. Not a chance I was nesting with him.

Okay not nesting then.

So I have full custody

Sure, plenty of single parents out there. Kids can be pretty stable knowing where their home is and do well like this.

and have to give up work, my house and my life

Hang on, I know single parents who have the home, work and a life,

while he seams around doing what he likes?

Now we get to the nub of it.

My children don’t see their dad,

He’s an emotionally abusive slob, so they are better off with a more sane and responsible primary carer, and visit him every other weekend and during the holidays so they don’t have to cope with half their lives in his home- especially while trying to get through school.

how is that good for children?

It’s far better than the constant disruption because the better parent doesn’t want the other one to get away with being useless and irresponsible. Yes it’s really unfair that he is able to be crap and a huge load for the better parent to bear, but the children will greatly benefit.

ForTheSakeOfThePenguin · 19/05/2023 23:53

Namechange224422 · 16/05/2023 15:24

You might already know this from friends and family but if you don’t know a lot of single parents, be aware that a lot of dads who initially say they want lots of contact drop this very quickly once they have sole responsibility.

So, I wouldn’t set into stone any sort of 50/50 or 60/40 agreement without a bit of a trial, and I definitely wouldn’t plan my work etc around it. In my experience the less they currently do, the more they’re likely to drop the agreement.

This is a good point to consider. I know quite a few dads who started leaving the kids with relatives, friends or even alone not to sacrifice their new single social life.

I found out as well that many parents demanding 50/50 while behaving as in my paragraph above, were more focused on avoiding paying child maintenance than really spending that 50/50 time with their children. This doesn’t have to be necessarily bad, it can lead to great meaningful relationships with grandparents, cousins and uncles but… I don’t quite see was the benefit when the kids are constantly left under the care of friends or poor unsuspecting girlfriend/partners.