Nesting or 60/40 split between houses? Which is better for kids?

[Mammamia2323]

Currently facing separation from husband after years of trying to make things work. Two DC early secondary age. Facing the reality of them changing between houses etc, and wondering about nesting.
Has anyone done either and can advise on how either option was for kids - and for them?!

My friend has her children Monday-Friday. From school pick up to school Monday morning they're with their father 3/4 weekends. So much closer to the 60/40 split than EOW. Think about your weekends. With nesting, you'd spend any childfree time potentially cleaning up after your ex unless they were very respectful and considerate!

Far better to have separate bases and go between at secondary age I think.

We've done 50/50 for several years, my kids were just coming up to teens. It worked well. They're now older teens and pretty much still come 50/50 which I find quite odd but it's their choice. Things change sometimes depending on what they have going on in their lives but on the whole they seem happy with the coming and going. They don't live out of a suitcase, they have two homes.

Hello, I did “nesting” for a short while after separation (amicable) while we organised childcare/work/new accommodations. If he did a load of laundry he would leave it damp and screwed up in the washing machine so I would either have to hang his clothes or call him to come collect them etc which seemed petty.
He would leave all the housework, groceries, cleaning and toiletries stocking up to me. He would move stuff and then I didn’t know where any hairbrushes, school shoes were.
He would forget stuff and pop back all week to get it.
We had different expectations of the child’s behaviour and I think that’s easier to manage in separate houses, as if he allows slime on the couch and it stains, that’s his couch not mine.
He is a completely normal man, not abusive, and is active and present in the child life.
I would say it antagonised out split more than helped honestly.

Tbh I can't see nesting working because if you could share space you probably wouldn't be splitting in the first place. I would imagine it would only exaggerate issues.

However I am watching my niblings endure 50/50 and it is a nightmare. They have been doing this now for 3 years. The eldest is doing GCSEs currently. Her revision is all over 3 places. She has stuff on the walls in her bedroom she was talking about taking down, packing up and moving ... between exams! Because one of her parents 'won't allow' her to stay put for the exam period (of about 4 weeks!) So she can study. And she's too scared of upsetting the balance to tell them (yes she's 16) that's what she needs. She is baseless and can't wait till she can move away for uni. The younger one has become incredibly clingy and incapable, leaves stuff in 'wrong' house so constantly in trouble - 50/50 isn't working for them.

@greenmarsupial

for lots of reasons

the adults

• clean the house (or don't)
• maintain the garden
• buy household items
• do the food shopping
• pay the bills

need to move on from each other, not continue in a closer than necessary relationship and rebuild their lives. It's virtually impossible to move on when living like this.

having two homes isn't ideal for kids either I agree, but there's a LOT parents can do to make it 'ok'.

also as another poster mentioned, having The Family Home and parents alternating isn't as 'ideal' as it sounds. It can be a reminder if (to them) happier times and hope their parents will get back together and it's not modelling healthy boundaries or relationships, having their own lives.

it's a shit idea all around.

the only time I'd ever consider it would be if the house was adapted to the needs of a disabled child and there would have to be a lot of boundary setting.

We did nesting for about 9 months. I was lucky that I had owned a flat for years that I had rented out. I gave notice to the tenants and we nested there - we each had our own room, which helped. We had a food cupboard each - occasionaly would let each other know there was something in the fridge that the other could have and made sure the place was tidy.

Someone mentioned up thread that it gave the kids a chance to get used to the split before any big changes and for my teen that was very helpful. We now do 50/50 in relatively close places (20 minutes on the bus or 40 minutes walk) and although they have two sets of what they need anything left behind the grown up will drop off.

My ex and I tried to live separately in our old large family home. Hahahahaha. Lasted less than a month!

Your solicitor had to point it out?
Did it not even come across your mind when you were considering this situation?

Mind boggles how people say 'that's a v good point' to something that's common sense.

'I was telling my husband I was about to go get a shower and he made a v good point ... he asked: do you have a towel with you?'

It’s a shit deal for kids to be shuttled back and forth. I know a couple of Scandinavian families who nest and it works really well. They have a second rented place and the parents switch in and out.

obviously not an option when there’s an abusive men or new relationships to worry about but it seems to remove a huge amount of insecurities

I’m always interested in how many of the people who respond saying how awful 50:50/ two houses is for the dc, actually are separated or divorced. Of course it’s not ideal and I wish my children didn’t have to do it. But I don’t have much alternative.

DC want to see their dad as much as me, not a chance I’m nesting (he was emotionally abusive, controlling and also a slob). I need to go away for work and need some time away from them. I realise this isn’t a right, but pretty sure if I was a 24/7 parent on my own then my children wouldn’t have me at all.

They have two good homes, very close together. They can go to either one whenever they want (they have keys). They are safe and loved.

@NurseEssie

Have you been through a divorce? And if you have - has yours been among those few really lucky ones where everything was easy and not stressful?
Happy for you then.

For many people it’s not the same. And people feel all kinds of gilt and anger and are scared of losing their time/connection with kids. This is when this subject of nesting comes up. And often people are just too anxious and scared if it all to think things through from their own point of view.
This is where solicitors who have seen it all and aren’t emotional can be helpful.

I am seeing it in my own family if that was aimed at my comment. It’s highly disruptive. And way more disruptive that every weekend which is the normal pattern. 50:50 doesn’t give you a chance to feel fully connected to either home. That’s the problem.

or so my young relatives tell me. Their parents are reverting to EOW.

The couple I know who nested had 4 children. They bought a 1-bedroom flat nearby and swapped between the house and flat on a weekly basis. It did seem to work well for the children, and was more affordable than buying two family houses. I think though that I'd feel in limbo doing it indefinitely.

There were a few comments. I’ve asked my dc and they seem happy. Well my daughter has separate attachment issues and would like to be with me 24/7, including sleeping in my bed but that is linked to school based anxiety issue that has just reared itself (she’s autistic).

Of course I feel guilty and awful, but the alternative is I can’t do my job, therefore lose my house. Whilst my ex presumably gets all week every week to live as he wishes.

every other week is still 50/50. We don’t do that, as my children said it was too long away from one parent, we offered that to them.

Maybe ask your kids what they want???

A huge benefit for teens to swap between parents is that you both get a break from each other. My DD was very difficult as a teen, we clashed so much for a couple of years. We could just about manage to spend a week in the same house then she would pop off to her DFs for a week. Which meant we got a break from each other. I think this in some way ensured our relationship didn't break down!!! The 50/50 split lasted until she went to Uni, and from then on she would spend time at each house as she chose, depending where she was going out at the weekend!
Now, as an adult in her 30s, she’s adamant that the arrangement we had (which was from her being 6) worked well. BUT - she stayed at the same primary school, I moved away whilst her DF stayed in the house she was born in, and she was able to get to her secondary school from either house under her own steam. I still believe what we did worked as well as it could. More than anything, children need consistency. Flitting between houses every couple of days can be more unsettling as some children become anxious as they don't know where they stand. My DD knew that every Friday without fail she would go to the other parents house. The only change was Xmas, holidays and her birthday. Xmas and birthdays were alternated each year, and holidays if she was going away might be 2 weeks at a time.

You might already know this from friends and family but if you don’t know a lot of single parents, be aware that a lot of dads who initially say they want lots of contact drop this very quickly once they have sole responsibility.

So, I wouldn’t set into stone any sort of 50/50 or 60/40 agreement without a bit of a trial, and I definitely wouldn’t plan my work etc around it. In my experience the less they currently do, the more they’re likely to drop the agreement.

To me it sounds ideal. 50/50 shared custody completely fucked up my entire life to this day. It’s really hard to develop good habits, self-discipline and completing tasks with such relentless disruption to your life.

It warms my heart to think you would do this. It will make a huge difference to your kid’s lives.

Not sure what is with the attitude. I had just found out my husband was having an affair and was trying my best to make things as stable as possible for my kids. So yes……I discussed it with my solicitor as an option. Hope that helps

@NurseEssie that message was to you

Hi I’m currently trying nesting, we have rented a flat so on the nights not with the kids at the house we go there instead.

I have to be honest that I personally don’t find it works. Although it means the kids aren’t travelling between houses, it also means that they stay in the house where you were a family and have to try and adjust to one person not being there.

I think it’s better to have a fresh start and completely separate without the crossover.

Also I don’t feel like I have a home as constantly travelling between the two and the flat is just a base.

I’d much rather they have two comfortable and loving homes than this arrangement.

'Have you been through a divorce? And if you have - has yours been among those few really lucky ones where everything was easy and not stressful?'

@jsku I have.
I've never come across an 'easy and not stressful divorce'

@NurseEssie
In that case why do you feel the need to kick someone else who has been through it?

I’d much rather they have two comfortable and loving homes than this arrangement.

There is nothing comfortable about being constantly shunted back and forth. I think it’s better for the parents to put up with this unpleasant life, rather than the kids who need to develop in a stable environment.

A stable environment is one where there isn’t tension in the household.

And it can be misleading for the kids to stay in the family home like this as it has given my eldest the impression there may be a chance of reconciliation which there is not.

some people choose to stay together “for the sake of the kids” etc but actually it’s far more harmful to leave them in a household where there’s constant arguing and tension than it is to separate and have two households.

I have experienced nesting, unless you and your ex remain extremely good friends and there are no other issues, I would not recommend it.