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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Nesting or 60/40 split between houses? Which is better for kids?

121 replies

Mammamia2323 · 15/05/2023 15:58

Currently facing separation from husband after years of trying to make things work. Two DC early secondary age. Facing the reality of them changing between houses etc, and wondering about nesting.
Has anyone done either and can advise on how either option was for kids - and for them?!

OP posts:
Starseeking · 15/05/2023 17:35

My EXDP is a selfish arse who only thinks of himself, so I would absolutely not do nesting as he'd be 100 times worse than he was when we were in a relationship.

I don't think the idea would work well in practice as boundaries about what can and can't be done would be blurred until any new situation arose, then it could get tricky.

If I were you I'd move into a new place with the DC, then if your EX is still keen on 50/50 (most of them soon go off the idea once they realise you're not there to do everything for them), DC can stay 1 week on 1 week off with each parent.

Zenana · 15/05/2023 17:42

Mammamia2323 · 15/05/2023 15:58

Currently facing separation from husband after years of trying to make things work. Two DC early secondary age. Facing the reality of them changing between houses etc, and wondering about nesting.
Has anyone done either and can advise on how either option was for kids - and for them?!

Have you read Our House .....

LaurelGrove · 15/05/2023 17:45

I cannot think of anything worse in terms of navigating shared care than nesting. Nowhere is properly yours, and the amount of contact you would have with your ex over and above child-related issues is enormous - you'd essentially still be sharing bills, admin etc. on two properties. I'd do it if we could afford three properties, and we decided it was best for the children but otherwise it's a hard no from me.

My children have gone back and forth between two houses since they were quite small. We have always had a routine but they do swap houses regularly during the week - currently they spend Sunday, Monday and Thursday nights with me, Tuesday and Wednesday with their dad, and alternate Friday - Saturday. That works purely because the two houses are close enough by that they can (now) walk or cycle (bikes and scooters have been game changers) or get the bus between them and in previous years that it was a short drive. They would say that they like being able to see each of us regularly and that a week away is too long (funnily enough we were discussing this last night). On the other hand, it's what they have always done so they don't really have much experience of the alternative.

What worked for us was not being precious about clothes and which clothes lived where, making sure there was enough school uniform to cover emergencies, and doubling up on things like laptop chargers, special toiletries etc. They have two of lots of things (e.g. pairs of trainers) and they could in theory swap houses at a random point and pick up easily without any problems as long as they had blazers, ties and school bags. That's not cheap but I see it as a tax on us for deciding to get divorced - it's not their fault so we tried to make it as easy as possible.

School was good about duplicating text books and we got used to the occasional panic that something was in the wrong place and just acknowledging that a bit of shuttling of equipment was part and parcel of the decision to separate. When they were little, special bedtime toys were either doubled up or a good substitute was sourced. We had a handover checklist for weekends which meant uniform and sports kit came back to me ahead of the start of the week when they were younger.

It's made two of them very organised indeed - they are excellent planners and really good at thinking ahead. The other one has learned some useful skills though things still get forgotten, but I think in the absence of this it would have been quite a lot worse.

It has meant my ex and I have had to be quite responsive and willing to co-operate which is hard sometimes, but it's probably kept us (at least) on civil speaking terms. It is a lot to keep track of but I think worth it.

Mammamia2323 · 15/05/2023 18:09

@Zenana whats Our House?

@LaurelGrove thanks so much for this, good to imagine how it will be. You sound very sorted and proactive! I think I am struggling to get into that headspace as I’ve been resisting the split for over a year but have now accepted it’s for the best…

OP posts:
MrsBonBons · 15/05/2023 19:07

OP, I have a 9 yr old and a 12 yr old. The older one has actually adapted really well and can pop to dad’s house when she wants a cuppa if she is at mine for the night. In the transition period I think you are doing the right thing to think about being able to see the kids when they are with their dad as I felt the same. But honestly, you get used to it quite quickly and I now find it easier to have a bit of space when they are not with me. He has them two nights a week.

PTSDBarbiegirl · 15/05/2023 19:16

Did nesting for a year but it didn't work. Being brutally honest I loved the freedom when it was ex staying with dc but after time it was upsetting for the children as it revolving around their family home was too much of a reminder that their family had broken down. Had they been toddlers it would have been less traumatic and probably more settling, if anything. The dc started healing when ex had his own place and they could start their new routines together. My kids were same age and it's hard enough for them without nest confusion plus I didn't like ex leaving mess, sleeping in my bed etc.

Summerdayz530 · 15/05/2023 19:27

Ex and I did nesting for the first 4-5 months of our split as he was staying with his Mum and felt it was best for kids.

My kids were a lot younger 21months and 4 so I needed that child free time to run my house, batch cook etc. I also felt it was hard to establish / maintain boundaries and he would put his dirty clothes in the wash basket and eat the food is brought in and was meal planned in for later in the week.

Kids are now 11 and 9 and we coparent well. Roughly 60:40 split. My eldest would like 50:50 but her Dad is happy with things as they are plus he wouldn’t sacrifice work hours for school pick ups / extra curricular taxi service duties!

Humanswarm · 15/05/2023 19:46

Nesting is essentially going to be living out of suitcases for both you and your ex. As it will get to a stage where you want total privacy from him. So that's shifting your belongings each time there's a swap. Clothes etc, okay but private things.. meh..
Also, you really don't know how the dynamics of your relationship will change as the separation progresses. Meeting new people. Arguing over finances.
We currently do eow and one night every week with my ex, he also does half the holidays. The children will adapt quickly to a new house and space providing its lovingly done. And that will offer them far more security than Mum and Dad moving around. Honestly.

Mammamia2323 · 15/05/2023 21:52

Thanks all for these messages, really helpful to hear what others have done and that it’s been okay. It’s so scary at the moment! To the point where I’ve been questioning the split even though I thought we’d got to a point of certainty. I feel instinctively that nesting would be too messy, so it’s good to have some clarity on that too.

OP posts:
Pleasegotobed · 15/05/2023 22:17

Name changed so all the people I’ve complained to don’t recognise me 🤣

our situation may be different as I (naively) agreed to nesting after an occupation order and a non mol. I thought it would be fairly brief and a good transition for the kids. Two years later we are still doing it and will be doing it another year because we are going to final hearing in the autumn.

exdh brings his new gf to the house and shags her on my sofa. He leaves it an utter state. I work ft and have the kids 5 nights a week so get no child free time to clean it or sort stuff. The boiler broke, we ended up in a huge row over costs and timing and plumber choice.

DO NOT DO IT. it has hugely negatively affected my children.

greenmarsupial · 15/05/2023 22:21

Humanswarm · 15/05/2023 19:46

Nesting is essentially going to be living out of suitcases for both you and your ex. As it will get to a stage where you want total privacy from him. So that's shifting your belongings each time there's a swap. Clothes etc, okay but private things.. meh..
Also, you really don't know how the dynamics of your relationship will change as the separation progresses. Meeting new people. Arguing over finances.
We currently do eow and one night every week with my ex, he also does half the holidays. The children will adapt quickly to a new house and space providing its lovingly done. And that will offer them far more security than Mum and Dad moving around. Honestly.

This makes me so angry. Why is living out of suitcases ok for the children but unthinkable for the adults who put them in that situation?

MrsBonBons · 15/05/2023 22:24

You’ve got this OP. Focus on the end game of being happier in life. You will be a better mum if you are a happier person in the long run. Good luck

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 15/05/2023 22:24

Nesting is better. The parents created the problem;they should suffer the inconveniences.

TorviShieldMaiden · 15/05/2023 22:32

We do 50:50 and my dc are 13 and 10 now (they were 11 and 8 when we split). We make sure we have enough uniform at each house, clothes are theirs and don’t belong to either house and I buy them duplicates of things where possible. Electronics like iPad and laptop get moved between the houses, but one of us lives very near school so we do it at drop off/pick up. My dd takes a few cuddlies with her. It has worked reasonably well. My dd has recently been resistant to go to her dad’s, but she is autistic and having a very tricky time and is very attached to me. My son is happy and has adjusted well.

As a pp said any time something is forgotten it is us the adults that sort it out as it is us that out them in this situation. I’ve had flack for 50:50 before on MN, it was ex that insisted (he didn’t want to pay any maintenance). But I do need time away from them, my work requires travel which I manage in that 50% of time.

ArcticSkewer · 15/05/2023 22:41

We did nesting for 3 years. You need money and stable personalities and a lack of ego for it to work.

If you think it is 'living out of a suitcase' as one poster put it, then consider what shared care is - after all, it's essentially the same thing. Live in one home for a week, then another home for the next week. Just making the kids do it rather than choosing to do it yourself.

If you can't afford it though, it's a bit of a non starter. You need the money for a deposit on a house, then pay that mortgage with a lodger in the other room if you can't afford the payments. We actually did quite well out of it as it was cost neutral and house prices rose a lot. Divorce doesn't always have to mean less money!

Fishpieandchips · 15/05/2023 22:47

Considered it. Was a non starter due to ex being useless at communication and knew it wouldn't work after he emptied half a cupboard and left it a mess.

I'd ask your teenagers how they feel and what they want to do.

altmember · 15/05/2023 22:57

Nesting sounds like a good idea on the face of it, but I suspect reality would be different. Unless the main house is big enough for you to have separate bedrooms, you'll be swapping in and out of the same bed. It's reliant on you both having the same standard of domestic hygiene and not taking the piss - it would be very easy for one person to leave the house in a mess at the end of their week. Even if it's just using the food without replenishing it. You'll both be financially responsible for domestic bills (utilities etc), so all in all, your lives will still be very much intertwined and you'll have to get on just about as well as a couple who stayed together.

And all that's before either of you start to have other partners.

adviceneeded1990 · 15/05/2023 23:05

60/40 or 50/50 can work well where you live close by and are amicable. We have DSD 50/50 and it works but we live 4 min drive apart, it’s all she’s ever known (DH and his exW divorced when she wasn’t quite two), and all four parents/step parents get on great.

Nesting would be tricky and expensive.

ShandaLear · 15/05/2023 23:26

I’ve done nesting with my ex for about 6 years now and it works very well. I go and live with my DP for half the week, and my ex lives with his DP when he’s not with the kids. We do the kids birthdays and Christmas together too with our DPs - it’s all a bit happy-clappy but it works and the kids are happy and settled. My ex has his own room at mine and he keeps the place tidy and the kids well fed. He’s a great dad and very hands on - including with the mental load stuff like dentist appointments and parents evenings. We are very flexible about swapping dates so if I want to go out on say, a Tuesday, I just message him and he’ll happily step up, and vice versa. It requires active commitment and communication thought to make it work, and it may not be suitable for people with different parenting styles or housekeeping habits.

jsku · 16/05/2023 00:21

Shuttling adults and living out of the suitcase in nesting isn’t the same as kids living in separate houses.
Kids get their own rooms in their parents’ houses. They have two own private spaces.
Adults in traditional nesting - have no place that is theirs. Not even a bed. They share a room/wardrobe/bed in both locations with their ex.

(it’s slightly different if both parents stay with new partners on their off week. But it’s not the usual situation)

So let’s not make divorced adults into some sort of selfish people not thinking of their kids. Divorce is hard as it is on all involved.

Liorae · 16/05/2023 01:17

Mammamia2323 · 15/05/2023 16:15

Nesting doesn’t seem to be very popular, I guess there must be reasons for that?

But the alternative is kids moving between houses a lot, or one parent not seeing them much?

Few parents are in a financial situation to run three homes.

SpringCherryPie · 16/05/2023 01:27

dh wouldn’t agree to 80% with me, but we would live close to each other I don’t think its OK to be splitting kids and nesting has some logistical problems long term - so if I were you I’d be insisting on 80% with you so that kids have stability. It’s their security that is the foremost, and there is no evidence at all that spending half time improves a kids experience post divorce.

Endoftheroad12345 · 16/05/2023 04:17

I’m currently nesting OP. Kids in our family home, we have rented a 3 bed townhouse about 5 min drive away so we both have our own bedrooms and ex H has third bedroom as his “study” 🙄

The reason we did it is (a) to soften the blow in the kids (they are 4 & 8) and (b) ex H is a controlling arsehole who refused to leave the family home and I wasn’t going to lose my kids/occupation rights to my house.

I have no privacy and anything personal I keep in my locker at work.

We’ve been nesting since February and I am well ready for it to be over. Ex is dragging the chain on division of assets so it will take probably close to another year before we financially untangle. I think it was good initially for the kids but now it’s confusing. I don’t think it’s a long term solution.

JamNittyGritty · 16/05/2023 04:38

We nested for just over a year after we broke up, always viewed as a transitional thing to help the kids adjust and to give us time to sort out properties etc moving forward. As money was tight we rented a one bedroom flat nearby and we moved between the two- so in effect shared 2 places.

It wasn’t always easy but it really worked for the kids (11 & 8 when we split) to stay settled in their own home and not to have to adjust to our split at the same time as adjusting to moving between homes and I am really glad we did it.

We co parented 50/50 and still do. A lot will depend on how you are with eachother, we weren’t issue free but got on enough for nesting to work. Although you can’t fully move on as you don’t have your own space we did both start to move on and it was worth it to keep change slower and more manageable for the kids.

Feel free to ask me anything.

Humanswarm · 16/05/2023 07:07

@greenmarsupial because it's totally different. My children don't live out of suitcases, if anyone's children do, who split their time between two parents, they're doing it wrong. My children have two bedrooms, two homes, to places of residence. They have clothes at both properties, toiletries, tvs, nicely decorated rooms. They have two places of sanctuary. Now I appreciate that may not be the case for everyone, but it should be.
Nesting, with an ex partner, so essentially continuing to share living spaces, and private spaces, with someone you no longer wish to be with, offers no sanctuary, privacy or benefits for most separating couples. Even those who are entirely amicable will undoubtedly come across issues, at some point. Adults deserve peace as much as their children, in order to parent effectively...and also, Nesting can't last forever. And then you subject children, or teens to more change, further down the line. That makes no sense to me.
Not sure why my post made you so angry..