Nesting or 60/40 split between houses? Which is better for kids?

[Mammamia2323]

Currently facing separation from husband after years of trying to make things work. Two DC early secondary age. Facing the reality of them changing between houses etc, and wondering about nesting.
Has anyone done either and can advise on how either option was for kids - and for them?!

focused on avoiding paying child maintenance than really spending that 50/50 time with their children. This doesn’t have to be necessarily bad, it can lead to great meaningful relationships with grandparents, cousins and uncles but..

Come on, let’s not sugar coat it and call it what it is - neglect.

@DreamingCatTwitches ,

Anecdote isn’t data. Proper research is mixed but tends to show shared care produces the optimal outcome. I am more than happy to post some links if you like.

Your personal experience is your personal experience and is valid for you, but not necessarily anyone else.

So-called nesting is at best a temporary solution, and I don’t know a single person who has done it for more than a few months, so is not realistic. And, realistically, staying together in an unhappy marriage is also not good for children.

From my personal experience, my boys generally enjoy it as they get different things from both households. I am better at organising them and homework help, my ex has a pet and is maybe more ‘fun’ and chilled. The thing is neither of us are shitty parents and both of us put our boys first; it works well.

My children have two homes, not no home. Again, I ask you how you feel about weekly boarding or people with second homes that they use at weekends?

OP, it is a horrible process getting divorced but, ultimately, if you keep the children’s interests first and foremost, it can work out fine for everyone in the medium term.

My job involves travel a few times a month and working weekends. At the moment I manage that through the times they are with their dad. I couldn’t do that if I had full custody. There are not comparable jobs where I live for same salary that dot involve the same. So we’d lose house.

I have a child with SEN and have no other family support nearby. I think I would probably end up killing myself if I had no break. That wouldn’t be good for them would it? SEN means I can’t get childcare, her dad is the only other person she will go to (and even then sometimes grudgingly). It would mean to relationships, no friendships as I couldn’t ever leave the house.

Are you a single parent? Do you know how hard it is to have high needs children 24/7.

But you have succeeded in making me feel very shit about myself and more guilty for my children. I already know I shouldn’t have had children with him. I’m not a natural parent and no, I don’t want to give up everything of myself (career, friendships, relationships). So if that makes me an awful person then I am.

Also my dc dad is not neglectful. He’s an alright dad, he’s probably slightly stricter than me. But he does stuff with them, he looks after them, he loves them.

Recently life has been particularly hard with my dd not being able to attend school through anxiety (autism) and she has spent more time with me, which is fine as we are flexible with them and what they need. This and the stress of dealing with various agencies and I was at crisis point. I was signed off and I had a couple of days rest while she went to her dad. Without it, it’s likely I wouldn’t have been typing this. Not a chance I’d survive 24/7. So I think the arrangement we have is better than me not being here or being so mentally unwell I can’t look after them.

The reality is I shouldn’t have had children, and certainly not with him. But in the circumstances this is the best we can do for our children in our personal circumstances.

Sorry OP. Ignore meX I’d delete those if I could. I’m not in a very good pace regarding my parenting and children and just life right now

I agree divorce is shit and there is no perfect solution for everyone involved.

My point is that the worst solution for the children is shared custody between two homes, and unfortunately this is also the best solution for the parents. The parents can continue to have relationships with their children and also get time off from parenting. Nothing about this is for the kids benefit.

I remember, when I was so tired from all the years of being shunted back and forth between my parents, I would beg my mum to just allow me to stay at hers for the weekend and she would say “your father has the right to see you” and I would have to resign myself to another demoralising upheaval. I brought it up with her a couple of years ago and she still believed it. I said to her. “It wasn’t because you cared about his right to see me at all, it was because you wanted to get rid of me and have some peace and quiet”. She was totally stumped. She had been so rigid all these years, convincing herself that she was selflessly thinking of everyone else, that she was completely oblivious to the fact she had been acting in her own interests all along.

I know all the arguments for shared custody. I spent many years living them and hearing them.

My purposes for posting on this thread aren’t simply to make people feel shit. They are two-fold:

1. To dissuade parents who may be considering shared custody from putting their kids through it.
2. To encourage those parents who have chosen shared custody as the solution, to be honest with their children about how it best suits the divorced parents and is a very stressful thing for children to have as an ongoing situation. To not gaslight the children and pretend that it is for their benefit. This honesty will help the children to make sense of their lives and to direct their anger towards their parents who are putting their needs last, rather than directing it within and eating away at their own sense of self-worth.

I agree that children moving between two homes can be the best of a bad situation. I didn’t like it. It was shit. Had my parents done the nest thing? It would have been worse I think.

But to compare it to weekly boarding? To having a holiday home? 😐

Let’s add into the mix two blended homes. Step parents/siblings. It’s at best…not ‘home, but ok’. At worst, it’s shit. You can never relax, you can’t dash to the bathroom in your knickers. You can’t pop your head into the bedroom to ask mum/ dad something. You’re just not 100% comfortable. I mean, it can be ok…but 🤷‍♀️

I get you only have one life, and marriages break up. It happens. Often it’s best for everyone. I’m fine. I ended up fine. My parents did the right thing getting divorced. They were amicable. Not friendly. But ok. But two homes is a pita. I still hate Christmas Day!

@DreamingCatTwitches ,

Again, if you are happy to upset people, you should be prepared to back it up with evidence.

You clearly either had issues with your father, your mother, or both of them. Or maybe you were just an unsettled child and found an easy way to blame someone for it. As a said earlier, your experience is your experience, but you cannot draw generalised conclusions from it.

Building resilience is an important part of growing up. Children will inevitably face many challenges at home, in education and socially. Believe me, many face far tougher challenges than moving houses a couple of times a week. How they deal with these is a combination of background and genetics.

You are making massive assumptions that divorced parents don’t openly discuss the pluses and minuses of divorce with fheIr children. I certainly do and can assure you that my boys can see both negatives and positives.

I grew up with two parents who stayed together for ‘our sakes’ until we were adults. Believe me, it is far worse.

you were just an unsettled child and found an easy way to blame someone for it.

Mmmm… yes I just came out of the womb intrinsically unsettled. Spending approximately 10 of my formative years changing homes/parents/parenting styles/environments twice a week had no affect on my ‘settleness’ whatsoever. You are correct- I am wholly responsible for my unsettled nature.

Id be interested for you to do a thought experiment @Newbutoldfather. Imagine if, for the next 10 years of your life, if you lived between two homes, not for your own benefit - like a nice country retreat for the weekend, but because it suited someone else’s needs. Imagine it. Go on. Now imagine not being an adult, but a child going through that. Relentless moving back and forth. Serving you no purpose.

@TorviShieldMaiden , please don't let some unknown on the internet make you feel bad. You are clearly trying to do your best in a difficult situation. Kids are hard work, marriages are hard work, split ups are awful. No one gives you a handbook on how to do all this, you just try your best. That's all any of us can do.

Ignore the comments, isn't worth it.

I grew up with two parents who stayed together for ‘our sakes’ until we were adults. Believe me, it is far worse.

Believe me, you cannot know that.

@DreamingCatTwitches ,

‘Imagine growing up in a two bedroom flat rather than a 5 bedroom house because your parents chose to live in London rather than move somewhere more child friendly’.

’Imagine growing up coming home to an empty house because both your parents chose to pursue a career’

I can just keep going with the above hyperbole.

Why do you think everything in anyone’s life needs to revolve purely around them, whether they are child or adult? Many, many children thrive moving between houses. You didn’t. There is no need for adults to destroy their lives for some romanticised notion of an ideal childhood. Most children are adaptable if they are brought up in a loving environment. And many child psychologists would say the key years are the first two, long before most splits.

There is no actual evidence to support that, in general, 50/50 is bad. I will link to some research below.

This thread is affecting me quite deeply and it’s interesting that there’s this insinuation from some that I am posting just to make people in a difficult situation feel bad - like I have an antagonistic nature.

For me, it is all very triggering- so much of what people are saying is so familiar- you remind me of my parents and my own upbringing. I know that it is natural to believe that my situation was uniquely bad or my personality is uniquely deficient and that there is a way to suss this shared custody thing, have it down, master it and everyone’s a winner. But there isn’t. It’s a crap situation, very far from ideal. So why would I come here on this thread to say that? It’s not for ‘shits and giggles’.

Ah shite. I just lots the bottom half of that post and I don’t want to write it all out again

Tbh @Newbutoldfather i won’t be looking at your studies, so you will be linking for the benefit of others.

https://theparentingcentre.com.au/research-on-shared-care/

https://www.sharedparenting.scot/what-is-shared-parenting/research-evidence/

https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2002/03/custody

I implore you. Let your kids have a break sometimes. Maybe have a rest from moving, for a month or two, every now and again. If they show reluctance to change address sometimes, don’t make them feel bad about it, like they are showing favouritism between their parents, or are ungrateful for how good they have it, or whatever. Empathise with them. A lot is being asked of them - moving home twice a week, year in, year out. It is bound to get too much sometimes.

I don’t force it. When my dd was struggling recently she spent more time with me, no issue. But that made me realise that I cannot care for her non-stop all the time. I’m sure my dd would want to stay with me all the time, but I need to work an do need time away in order to fun toon mentally.

I’ve always been honest with them that this is shit and how sorry I am that their parents are divorced.

I grew up moving house and often country every two years. I went to any number of schools, never had one family home, we couldn’t decorate or add stuff to where we lived. I don’t resent my parents, even though I’m sad that I don’t have that base of a place with friends, I don’t really have any childhood friends and I find it hard to maintain relationships long term as an adult. We did it for a parents work. He could have easily got work in one place and settled. But I think they did the right thing. There were downsides and upsides.

I think nesting really doesn't work in the woman's favour - I suspect inevitably you would end up doing all of the planning, cleaning, shopping and mental load. This certainly would have been the case for me. I understand that right now you really want to minimise disruption for the kids but I suspect it is just delaying the inevitable. There WILL be change for the kids but they will be able to cope with it with the right support. My children have adapted very well to having two bases. They are good at forward planning, knowing what they need when etc. They also get to spend time with us in our own spaces where we feel comfortable and I think this is really important.

We did a 50/50 split between two households and overall it worked well for everyone. The two parents live 5 minutes walk from eachother so school/ friends/ activities were equally easy from both homes. If school stuff, clothes etc had been forgotten we could easily pop over and collect things.

Initially the kids swapped houses frequently (I think it was 3 nights one week, 4 nights the next), in year 11/12 ( could have done this sooner had we thought of it as it worked well) we changed to a week in each home in turn, then later in year 12 we moved to two or three weeks in each home in turn (sometimes 4-6 weeks blocks, partly due to lockdowns).

This minimised the transitions and allowed everyone to build strong bonds and parent fully. It worked really well for us gradually increasing the flexibility about when they would swap houses and has meant uni holidays tend to be more of the same, with a pretty equal but fluid split. Because both houses are close by they could easily pop over for a meal/ evening/ lift somewhere if they wanted, whichever home was their main base that week.

We did nesting for a year or so and it was fine.

I went back to work f t so we could afford to rent a two bed flat aswell as having the house.

Some advice
1 no shared beds
2 agree boundaries for new partners ( we kept them to the flat )
3 clear agreement for running the family home
(Eg the person there at the weekend had to arrange the shopping for the week and clear the laundry)

There were pros and cons for the kids but generally it was positive for them