Leaving a loving relationship - 23 age gap

[EarlyDayz]

Hi everyone, I've recently left an age gap relationship - I had posted a thread on here about my worries and doubts whilst in the relationship as there was a 23 year age gap (I'm 32, he's 55). After a lot of debating, I finally left the relationship.

We were together for almost 9 years; he's an amazing person and I still have so much love and respect for him. I'm in a place now where I'm devastated for the lost shared life together and I keep having to remind myself of the reasons why I left - I couldn't commit to us as a couple knowing we had a very different future laid out in front of us both, that making big life commitments (children, marriage, house etc. all things I want in life) goes hand in hand with planning and thinking about your future together and every time I thought about that future I was filled with stress and anxiety of what it would look like - I had gone to counselling during our relationship (alone) to try and overcome those worries, but another year had passed since then and it just didn't get any better, so I was left feeling there was no other way than to leave.

He's heartbroken, I'm heartbroken and we both feel totally lost without each other. Right now, I feel selfish and as though I didn't care enough to stay, like I've given up and thrown away the love of another person for a future I don't even know will happen.

I feel at a loss, consumed with guilt and confusion; thinking I could have done more and wishing I weren't so hung up on future scenarios or what other people thought about us - I guess what I'm looking for is reassurance that when in a long term relationship, thinking about the future is a normal aspect of that, and if thinking about that future was causing me stress then it wasn't a healthy sign of a relationship that was destined to work out? Thank you for reading xx

Did he refuse marraige? Refuse all possibilities of becoming parents? I think your mad to leave a loving relationship. Have you read these threads. It appears a good relationship is hard come by! If you know it was the right thing to do then thats something but nobody should be stressing about a future that isn't promised to any of us! If you over think anything enough it will cause you stress

💐
absolutely planning together is a big part of a relationship. A sense of shared goals is really important , it’s good to live in the moment sometimes, but not out of fear.
im sorry you’re both hurting.
give it time.

@27penny you're absolutely right, you shouldn't worry too much about the future, I wholeheartedly agree and worked off that principal for many years - simply enjoying our time together and thinking about the present - this was when I was in my twenties and still figuring out if marriage/children were something I wanted.

As the years passed, he did say he would marry and have children with me, but as time went on the prospect of doing so with someone so much older was extremely daunting - the older I got the more his age worried me when making such big life changes and commitments, something was always holding me back - the fact that ultimately, making those life decisions means having to think about your future whether you want to or not, and that future with him filled me with anxiety, not excitement for what could come.

This is what pushed me to my final decision in the end, and now I feel I'm grieving what our life once was and at times losing sight of the bigger picture, having to remind myself that it’s better to look forward to your future, instead of fearing it.

Yes OP, thinking about the future is a completely normal thing in a relationship. I too would be very hesitant to have children with a man of 55.

@Twoshoesnewshoes thank you for your comment ❤

@DucksNewburyport thank you, that's what prompted me in the end - I always thought the 'having kids' conversation would be what would set us apart, but he was keen to have a child with me; in the end I just couldn't commit to it, as much as I tried - I know no one can plan the future, but I'm not sure there many out there who would build a present based off the principle that anyone could die tomorrow, especially if there are children involved.

You're doing the right thing @EarlyDayz .

It'll be hard as first as you were used to his company etc.

See/talk/msg with him less (or not at all) so you both stand a chance of moving on.

I've been in alot of relationships with older guys. It is a fact that they become less attractive, also their ability to sexually satisfy or perform decreases, at least eventually.

It will be so much better once you meet someone you click with your own age.

These things take time, and you also need to have less to do with your ex. x

I meant that it takes a bit of time to adjust to being out of a long term relationship.

Thank you for your reply @porridgeisbae ❤ we're still checking in with each other a fair bit, just making sure the other is ok - he's still my best friend and it's so hard to cut contact completely, but I agree - it needs to become less if we're both to start finding our feet without each other. It's been a little over a month now and things have gotten harder the last week or so, I think because reality is really setting in, but hopefully things will start to look a little brighter soon xx

That is so sad. Is there a reason you did not marry and have children when he was in his 40s?

@Blondewithredlips Honestly, I wasn't in that frame of mind in my twenties - I was 23 when we met; marriage and children were so far off my radar and I hadn't given it much thought, we spent our time travelling, exploring and building a lovely relationship; then, once I started to seriously think about what I wanted out of life, the prospect of having children with someone so much older felt painfully daunting. That's when I went to counselling to try and work through those feelings of anxiety because I didn't want to just give up and leave, but they simply didn't dissipate and I felt I couldn't keep going when it's quite literally the one thing you cannot change and will only progress with time.

You have done the right thing. The age gap is too big. You are still young enough to start a family with someone else. He should never have got involved with someone so much younger than him. You will feel better in time.

Honestly, I don't think the age gap would have stopped me having children with/marrying him if that's what I wanted, and if we both wanted the same future and loved each other. Yes, he would very probably die a lot sooner but that could ultimately happen to anyone regardless of age. But I'm not you, and if it didn't feel right for you, then yes, you've done the right thing in your circumstances.

You made this decision for a good reasons and after having therapy

I can’t see you being able to heal and move in if you are in contact

I’d suggest for both you take a clean break for a healthy period of time

It must be so difficult, i hope it works out for you both!

I agree you made this decision for good reasons. I think age gaps often only start to become an issue when the older partner (usually a man) is 65-70 and the younger partner is in their 40s. Very different life stages at that point. I’ve seen it play out in my own family and the younger person jokes that they’ve “made their bed” but they are worried as age-related health issues kick in, etc.

Im torn on this one. Whilst I can completely understand the logic of your decision life doesnt work to the pattern of logic. I personally know of three people who have lost life partners to accidents or illnesses in their mid 40’s early 50’s. They all had kids. The future is never a given.

I know about the same amount of people who are really truly happy in their marriages, where the relationships are equal, based on mutual respect and allows both partners to truly flourish and be happy.

if i found a partner who I had that with I think I’d risk the toss tbh.

Im torn on this one. Whilst I can completely understand the logic of your decision life doesnt work to the pattern of logic. I personally know of three people who have lost life partners to accidents or illnesses in their mid 40’s early 50’s. They all had kids. The future is never a given.

It's still the balance of probability that a partner 23 years older will get ill, die, get uglier and more impotent, before the younger one.

65-70 and the younger partner is in their 40s. Very different life stages at that point.

Yep, when I was 21, I had a lover who was 47. I can't imagine now he's early 70s and I'm mid 40s. I imagine he would not be capable of what he could do before for sure.

"He's heartbroken, I'm heartbroken and we both feel totally lost without each other."

Only you know what's best OP and if it is honestly the right thing for you then go for it, but this stands out to me.

He is 55, I know a few men who had kids mid fifties and it's been fine for them. It can work.

You only have to look at posts on here to know the dating scene is shocking.

I'm in a 23-year age gap marriage (I'm the older one), but I think part of the reason it works is that neither of us wants children. That completely changes the picture. Don't beat yourself up OP, you didn't do this lightly x

@Alcemeg thank you for your insight and understanding ❤I feel, like you, we could have worked with the age difference had I not wanted children, but bringing lives into the mix knowing they very likely wouldn't have have a father beyond young adulthood just didn't sit right with me - again, I know people lose parents young, no one knows, but I just didn't think it fair to knowingly plan and create a family with those odds stacked against us - perhaps I am an over thinker, but it became crippling in the end - he completely understands the decision and is being extremely respectful and we've parted ways very amicably, which actually makes things that bit harder right now but I know in the long run, I'll be eternally grateful for that xx

Yes statistically thats true.
I think now I’m in mid life though I’d take 10/20 years of really happy, connected relationship over a lifetime of meh marriage.
If the connection they have is one that you dont often find, where its easy and beautiful and even works when its hard and ugly then thats really rare.
So many people end up alone through divorce anyway as we all get older that that risk of going solo with kids isnt only down to death.
I’m aware that many people will think otherwise, and that I’ll be in a minority. But for the right relationship I’d personally take the risk. (But make sure I was covered life insurance wise to be financially stable later in life)

My great grandparents had this kind of age gap and it worked for them and they adored each other , my great gran was a widow for 20 years before she died but they had made a wonderful family, equally she could have died first.
My husband is 10 years older than me and i am fully aware of what my future may be like but then none of us know whats to come so i'm of the opinion if you have found someone you can't be without then you will make it work.

@Whatthejeffisgoingon I really wish I were the sort of person, or in the mindset/stage of life to feel that way, as I completely agree with you in theory, but the feelings of anxiousness of the age difference were only growing, and unfortunately is the one thing that cannot be changed and will only progress - maybe I could have gone for it and everything would have worked out fine, but a beautiful 9 year relationship behind me seems easier to live with than a lifetime of worry ahead of me (that's what I have to keep reminding myself of on the hard days, at least)

You're at completely different stages of life, and at your age Nature is urging you in a direction that, if he were alone, he'd probably never choose for himself.

Life is a bit shit like that sometimes.

Celebrate the fact that you enjoyed your time together and parted with respect and mutual understanding. Bless you 💕