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Original poster

Leaving a loving relationship - 23 age gap

107 replies

EarlyDayz · 14/05/2023 14:02

Hi everyone, I've recently left an age gap relationship - I had posted a thread on here about my worries and doubts whilst in the relationship as there was a 23 year age gap (I'm 32, he's 55). After a lot of debating, I finally left the relationship.

We were together for almost 9 years; he's an amazing person and I still have so much love and respect for him. I'm in a place now where I'm devastated for the lost shared life together and I keep having to remind myself of the reasons why I left - I couldn't commit to us as a couple knowing we had a very different future laid out in front of us both, that making big life commitments (children, marriage, house etc. all things I want in life) goes hand in hand with planning and thinking about your future together and every time I thought about that future I was filled with stress and anxiety of what it would look like - I had gone to counselling during our relationship (alone) to try and overcome those worries, but another year had passed since then and it just didn't get any better, so I was left feeling there was no other way than to leave.

He's heartbroken, I'm heartbroken and we both feel totally lost without each other. Right now, I feel selfish and as though I didn't care enough to stay, like I've given up and thrown away the love of another person for a future I don't even know will happen.

I feel at a loss, consumed with guilt and confusion; thinking I could have done more and wishing I weren't so hung up on future scenarios or what other people thought about us - I guess what I'm looking for is reassurance that when in a long term relationship, thinking about the future is a normal aspect of that, and if thinking about that future was causing me stress then it wasn't a healthy sign of a relationship that was destined to work out? Thank you for reading xx

OP posts:
Alcemeg · 15/05/2023 17:27

...plus, this has given you a model for what a loving relationship looks like. That is priceless.

Lovemebetter · 15/05/2023 17:28

Does he already have children?

HeddaGarbled · 15/05/2023 17:28

My absolute honest opinion on this is that a 46 year old man had no business taking up with a 23 year old woman and I think you are lovely and generous not to be angry that he’s put you in the position of having to make this heart-breaking decision 9 years down the road.

MayMi · 15/05/2023 17:29

HeddaGarbled · 15/05/2023 17:28

My absolute honest opinion on this is that a 46 year old man had no business taking up with a 23 year old woman and I think you are lovely and generous not to be angry that he’s put you in the position of having to make this heart-breaking decision 9 years down the road.

Wholeheartedly agree 🙌🏻

Original poster
EarlyDayz · 15/05/2023 17:30

@Alcemeg he's given me the highest of expectations for what a respectful relationship should look like, so I'll be eternally grateful for that ❤

OP posts:
Original poster
EarlyDayz · 15/05/2023 17:33

@Lovemebetter no, he has no previous children and had said he had settled on a life without children before he'd met me. He's always known that I'm quite a motherly person (I work with children), and had said he would have a child with me, so I also got quite a strong feeling that perhaps he didn't quite know what he was getting in for when agreeing to have a child - he's never really spent time around them, and made comments in the past that they'd be reared and gone by 18; I know all too well coming from a family of 5 siblings that it generally doesn't work that way.

OP posts:
Alcemeg · 15/05/2023 17:39

MayMi · 15/05/2023 17:29

Wholeheartedly agree 🙌🏻

Show quote history

I think that's very judgmental. People don't choose who they click with.

I remember Sam Fox being asked about when she realised she was a lesbian, saying "You don't choose who you love" (or words to that effect).

True love is worth seizing with both hands, and I don't think OP is any the poorer for having experienced it.

Original poster
EarlyDayz · 15/05/2023 17:41

@HeddaGarbled honestly, I don't think either of us had anticipated the relationship to unfold the way it did - we met while travelling 10 years ago and had a friendship for almost a year before getting into a relationship - he mentions how he had strong feelings from the start, but kept his distance because of the age difference, but as time past we got closer and eventually started a relationship. I know to some it can seem shocking or selfish on his part and maybe a part of me should be mad that we're here now, but I really wouldn't trade the last 9 years for anything else, I know neither of us would be the people we are now had we not shared that time together.

OP posts:
MayMi · 15/05/2023 17:45

@Alcemeg you don't choose who you feel attracted to but you do choose who you pursue.

In relationships with a large age gap, especially when the younger person is younger than 25, there is a huge power imbalance. It is the younger person who doesn't know what they're in for, not the older person.

Alcemeg · 15/05/2023 17:49

MayMi · 15/05/2023 17:45

@Alcemeg you don't choose who you feel attracted to but you do choose who you pursue.

In relationships with a large age gap, especially when the younger person is younger than 25, there is a huge power imbalance. It is the younger person who doesn't know what they're in for, not the older person.

I understand what you're saying, but it depends on the individuals.

I get the feeling OP has benefited enormously from this relationship and will take forward the experience of it.

Happy future OP

Original poster
EarlyDayz · 15/05/2023 17:52

@Alcemeg thank you ❤️

OP posts:
AlwaysAlba · 15/05/2023 18:00

My DH is 24 years older than me. I adore him and have been together nearly twenty years, but the age gap has never been an issue for me…love and sadly also bereavement and ill health can hit at any age. I hope you find another mutually respectful relationship when it’s right for you, and your ex too.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 15/05/2023 18:08

I’m sorry you’re struggling OP
i do think you’ve done the right thing. To be blunt there would come a point where the mature, wise, distinguished older man is just old- and you aren’t!
You’ve made a choose to go after the life you want and that’s the best you can do for yourself!

Whatthejeffisgoingon · 15/05/2023 18:08

EarlyDayz · 15/05/2023 17:22

@Whatthejeffisgoingon I really wish I were the sort of person, or in the mindset/stage of life to feel that way, as I completely agree with you in theory, but the feelings of anxiousness of the age difference were only growing, and unfortunately is the one thing that cannot be changed and will only progress - maybe I could have gone for it and everything would have worked out fine, but a beautiful 9 year relationship behind me seems easier to live with than a lifetime of worry ahead of me (that's what I have to keep reminding myself of on the hard days, at least)

And Good Mental health is vital. Which means your definately making the right decision for you. I really hope the heartbreak is as short lived as it can be. You've made a very difficult decision, and are evidently an incredibly strong person. All the best to you.

QueefQueen80s · 15/05/2023 18:13

porridgeisbae · 15/05/2023 16:55

Im torn on this one. Whilst I can completely understand the logic of your decision life doesnt work to the pattern of logic. I personally know of three people who have lost life partners to accidents or illnesses in their mid 40’s early 50’s. They all had kids. The future is never a given.

It's still the balance of probability that a partner 23 years older will get ill, die, get uglier and more impotent, before the younger one.

65-70 and the younger partner is in their 40s. Very different life stages at that point.

Yep, when I was 21, I had a lover who was 47. I can't imagine now he's early 70s and I'm mid 40s. I imagine he would not be capable of what he could do before for sure. Grin

Gross.

Norachance · 15/05/2023 19:00

I know it's not quite the same thing but my mum was 19 years older than my dad. She had me (by surprise) at nearly 48. I grew up with a very loving mum and dad.. I didn't know there was an age gap until I was in my late teens. It made no difference to me.
My mum died at 86 - my dad was 67. That was hard for him and he never remarried or had another relationship. They were truly best friends as well as husband and wife.
Not all age difference relationships are a failure.Smile

Glooper · 15/05/2023 19:01

I think with a decision like this it will feel messy and difficult because of all the emotions involved. But if you’ve made a thoughtful decision you will likely find that when you look at it with hindsight it was the right one. It may only take a few months for you to have that clarity so hang on and allow the pain to pass through you. I also recommend cutting contact if you can.

Livelifelaughter · 15/05/2023 20:06

I think you've tried and had counselling. The only thing I would say is it is hard to find someone where you really have a special connection and it sounds as though you truly love each other.

Original poster
EarlyDayz · 15/05/2023 21:04

@Norachance thank you for sharing your experience ❤it's so lovely to hear your positive story and that your parents could make an age gap work so well. I so wished I could have done the same; I tried hard to work through things on my end and overcome my own fears, but in the end it just got too much for me moving forward - the future was so daunting it made me doubt my life choices up until now and I felt I had no other choice but to give us both another chance.

OP posts:
Original poster
EarlyDayz · 15/05/2023 21:07

@Whatthejeffisgoingon thank you for your kind words - it means so much. At the moment, I'm not sure how strong I feel but I felt I owed it to us both to find another future - one where I don't feel so much pressure about the age difference, and one where he can be with someone who's excited for their future with him - he deserves that.

OP posts:
Original poster
EarlyDayz · 15/05/2023 21:10

@OnlyFoolsnMothers I know you're right and that another future is out there somewhere (hopefully, who knows?), it just gets hard to see some days when you're in the throws of upheaval.

OP posts:
Shadowworry · 15/05/2023 21:14

I’m don’t want to throw a spanner in the works.

my friend met her same age boyfriend at 25. 5 years together then married at 30. Children at 32, he had two kids and at 35 developed brain cancer by 38 she had spent 3 years being a carer of her husband and he died but didn’t have a good last 3 years.

different friend at 28 met a new partner he was 57. Married at 30 and baby for her at 31 and him 60. Another followed the following year. He had his own house no mortgage. She was working full time. He retired but is a runner and takes the kids out to school and back does all the homework etc and she works part time and they travel a great deal. 12 years on she is 45 ish and he is just over 70 and the kids are happy and he is fitter than her.

if you want kids do it with the man you think will be the great father

im sorry but life expectancy is 82+ now and any child born now will potential be 30 plus and you will be 60 ish - it matters more on his outlook

Tartantop · 15/05/2023 21:22

I had a 22 year age gap relationship which I ended 3 years ago when I was 29. We had been together for 3 years and although we loved each other, we both realised he couldn’t give me the future I wanted. Whilst I wasn’t sure if I wanted kids, he didn’t want any and he said he didn’t feel fair taking that choice away from me. When I thought ahead to the future, I couldn’t imagine how life would be when he was retired and I still had 30 plus years of work left.

After a year of being single I met my current DP who is the same age as me. We are very well suited, very much in love and we both want the same things from life. We are planning our wedding, moving in to our new home next month and I am so certain that I want kids with him.

I know a few age gap relationships that have worked out but ultimately I am so glad I moved on. Good luck Op, everything will work out

vdbfamily · 15/05/2023 21:44

I work in a hospital and assessed 2 men today. One was 98 and one 99. People are living longer on average and if your partner is currently in good health in his 50's with no underlying health conditions, he could easily live into his 90's so if you had children, they could be pushing 40 and still have a dad.
You don't even know that you will meet someone else and then fall pregnant with a healthy pregnancy.
I agree with others that it is a very sad situation and it seems extreme to end an otherwise happy and respectful long-term relationship over.

Putdownthecake · 15/05/2023 21:45

Wow op I could have written this. I am 30, my fiance of 8 years is 53. We have 2 children together. He is my best friend and we were also friends for 2 years before dating. I like to think we will stay togeyher but im aware challenges lay ahead. You can only feel how you do. What I would say is, (hopefully you are able) but if you found out you couldn't have children would you feel any differently about continuing the relationship? It would be a shame to end an otherwise happy relationship to end up without the things you seem to be leaving for. But then again, if you really were in love, would you leave or care what others thought?