Leaving a loving relationship - 23 age gap

[EarlyDayz]

Hi everyone, I've recently left an age gap relationship - I had posted a thread on here about my worries and doubts whilst in the relationship as there was a 23 year age gap (I'm 32, he's 55). After a lot of debating, I finally left the relationship.

We were together for almost 9 years; he's an amazing person and I still have so much love and respect for him. I'm in a place now where I'm devastated for the lost shared life together and I keep having to remind myself of the reasons why I left - I couldn't commit to us as a couple knowing we had a very different future laid out in front of us both, that making big life commitments (children, marriage, house etc. all things I want in life) goes hand in hand with planning and thinking about your future together and every time I thought about that future I was filled with stress and anxiety of what it would look like - I had gone to counselling during our relationship (alone) to try and overcome those worries, but another year had passed since then and it just didn't get any better, so I was left feeling there was no other way than to leave.

He's heartbroken, I'm heartbroken and we both feel totally lost without each other. Right now, I feel selfish and as though I didn't care enough to stay, like I've given up and thrown away the love of another person for a future I don't even know will happen.

I feel at a loss, consumed with guilt and confusion; thinking I could have done more and wishing I weren't so hung up on future scenarios or what other people thought about us - I guess what I'm looking for is reassurance that when in a long term relationship, thinking about the future is a normal aspect of that, and if thinking about that future was causing me stress then it wasn't a healthy sign of a relationship that was destined to work out? Thank you for reading xx

@EarlyDayz great to see your update OP, it sounds like you’re doing really well.

I read back over my reply on your thread and it reminded me how far I’ve come. I’ve now got an 8 month old baby with my DP, something I couldn’t have dreamed of happening with my ex.

Wishing you and your new DP all the best!

You have to grab happiness while you can.
There are no guarantees for anyone in life.
No guarantees if you marry someone of the same age you will stay together forever.
Wish MN would drop all this age gap claptrap.

Try telling that to my SIL's face. Married a man 25 years older than her. She had a few years of whizzing around in his sports car with a silver fox who owned his own home. Then another few years of going off to work every day while he went on golfing holidays with his retired male friends. And now she's 15 years into the bum-wiping, hospital visiting, shouting (he's gone deaf and won't use a hearing aid), shuffling years. She's fit and healthy and attractive in her 60s, he's a shambling incontinent deaf old man who just wants to talk about his time in the army and needs to be wheelchaired to his almost weekly hospital appointments.

For me, the decision to leave wasn't purely based on his age - it was the worry and anxiety @Pluvia mentioned in their post - living with the stress about the future is not a way to live in my books, and take away from your life both now and in the future - but if someone is in an age gap relationship and they don't experience that stress and anxiety in the present, then it's worth holding on to that happiness for, completely agreed. That wasn't the case for me, unfortunately, and I just couldn't continue like that.

What I like about seeing someone my own age is that our history is similar - we share the same references - and we're experiencing things at the same point. I've a friend who's 18 years older and there's such a difference in terms of energy, what they now want from life (basically a quiet life) and when we taltk about things from the past there's nothing in common at all. We do get on well, but it's not at all like being with someone who's at the same stage of life as you.

I may have misunderstood, but it sounds like you both want the same things—marriage, children, and a life together—and he’s an amazing person you love deeply. Your concern seems to be that he’s reaching these milestones at a different life stage than you.

There’s an important distinction between life stage and age. People reach life stages at different times depending on their outlook and attitude, and in my view, outlook matters far more than birth year. If age weren’t a factor, would he still be the person you’d want to build your life with? If he were the same or a similar age, would that change how you feel?

Personally, I’d rather build my life with someone I deeply love and connect with than someone my age who may not be as compatible. If this decision feels painful, it might be worth exploring whether it’s based on genuine concerns or assumptions about age. I say this with kindness—as someone who built a life and family with an older partner, I’ve found that his age actually brings benefits, like a more mature outlook, that many men in their early 30s don’t yet have. I also have friends who have sadly died in their early 40’s and left young kids. Nothing in this life is guaranteed. 💜

He was in his 40s and you where in your early 20s. You had a lucky escape he's a creep.