Leaving a loving relationship - 23 age gap

[EarlyDayz]

Hi everyone, I've recently left an age gap relationship - I had posted a thread on here about my worries and doubts whilst in the relationship as there was a 23 year age gap (I'm 32, he's 55). After a lot of debating, I finally left the relationship.

We were together for almost 9 years; he's an amazing person and I still have so much love and respect for him. I'm in a place now where I'm devastated for the lost shared life together and I keep having to remind myself of the reasons why I left - I couldn't commit to us as a couple knowing we had a very different future laid out in front of us both, that making big life commitments (children, marriage, house etc. all things I want in life) goes hand in hand with planning and thinking about your future together and every time I thought about that future I was filled with stress and anxiety of what it would look like - I had gone to counselling during our relationship (alone) to try and overcome those worries, but another year had passed since then and it just didn't get any better, so I was left feeling there was no other way than to leave.

He's heartbroken, I'm heartbroken and we both feel totally lost without each other. Right now, I feel selfish and as though I didn't care enough to stay, like I've given up and thrown away the love of another person for a future I don't even know will happen.

I feel at a loss, consumed with guilt and confusion; thinking I could have done more and wishing I weren't so hung up on future scenarios or what other people thought about us - I guess what I'm looking for is reassurance that when in a long term relationship, thinking about the future is a normal aspect of that, and if thinking about that future was causing me stress then it wasn't a healthy sign of a relationship that was destined to work out? Thank you for reading xx

Did you not think of this when you got together? It’s not like the gap wasn’t there when you started.
I’ll get some flack for this, but it seems a little mean-spirited to waste a decade of someone else’s life for reasons that were visible at the start, that’s all.

Good luck either way.

I think if you've gone as far as therapy to deal with this and it's not worked then you've made the right decision for you.

I have had an age gap marriage and we had 3 children. No longer together but that's because he was a plonker. We co-parent well and I'd never have left him if it wasn't for how rubbish he was in a relationship. Everyone is different so you'll always get mixed responses, but for me...I've had bad relationships and couldn't give up on someone I loved who treated me so well, as they are few and far between in my experience (although I'd imagine that's down to me having previously had low standards!)

It's a very sad situation and I wish both of you the best x

@Deathbyfluffy yes I was always aware of the age difference, but being honest at 23 I wasn't thinking about marriage, kids and a longterm future - he also did not bring up such big life commitments, as at the beginning we were enjoying each other's company and simply going with the flow of things. As the years passed, our relationship progressed and what I had thought wouldn't be an issue for me started to be, something I hadn't pre-empted; I tried to get help for it and put it to one side as much I could, for a long time, but ultimately it got harder to live with, so here we are. I know i shouldn't have let things go to almost a decade, but I wanted to give it everything I could.

How wonderful. Many people go through life never having experienced that. It's lovely that you can part on such appreciative terms. I can only imagine how hard this is for you both. Maybe you can continue to enrich each others' lives. X

My SIL (a very young-for-her-age 66) is currently discovering the downside of a generation-gap marriage. Her husband is 90, coming up to 91. They married when she was approaching 40.

They are both quite open about the fact that they assumed he'd die before she retired. He was a smoker and a heavy drinker for quite a long period of his life and he's got heart problems, he's wobbly on his feet, very deaf and losing his memory, yet he just goes on. One of their doctors said cheerfully that he'd probably make 100.

Most couples approaching retirement have big plans for holidays and renovating the house, taking up cultural pursuits or sport etc. When she retired he was 84 and already too ill to get travel insurance at an affordable price. She's an amazing woman and puts on a smile and just gets on with it, but she's his full-time carer and, as she says, until he dies all her plans have to go on hold. She says that when they got involved it never occurred to her that it would end up like this. I think she is now really torn.

Due to your ages you and him were at different life stages with him being 55 and you 32.
You were getting to the age that most women think about having children but you were considering his age and your possible future as parents.
You went to counselling in order to help you work through the decision to end things with him.

You did the right thing. I know it hard to walk away from a long relationship especially if you want a family. It is now a medical fact that having a child with an older man can give you a higher percentage of having a child with special needs. If you had a child with him he would have been at retirement age before the child was in secondary school.
You could have ended up having a teenager and a man who needed care.
Also I think as you get older you find it harder to deal with the noise and disruption that having a child brings.

At this stage you need to lose contact with him and work towards building up your own single life. Get in contact with friends and start to make some plans with them. See if their is any group or organisation to get involved in. Spend a bit of time being single.
Yes your sad about what happened but it would be far worse if you had a child with him when you knew it was a bad idea. Even the strongest relationships can find the baby years hard going. If you have a child you want to be with someone who is at your stage in life.

Due to your ages you and him were at different life stages with him being 55 and you 32.
You were getting to the age that most women think about having children but you were considering his age and your possible future as parents.
You went to counselling in order to help you work through the decision to end things with him.

You did the right thing. I know it hard to walk away from a long relationship especially if you want a family. It is now a medical fact that having a child with an older man can give you a higher percentage of having a child with special needs. If you had a child with him he would have been at retirement age before the child was in secondary school.
You could have ended up having a teenager and a man who needed care.
Also I think as you get older you find it harder to deal with the noise and disruption that having a child brings.

At this stage you need to lose contact with him and work towards building up your own single life. Get in contact with friends and start to make some plans with them. See if their is any group or organisation to get involved in. Spend a bit of time being single.
Yes your sad about what happened but it would be far worse if you had a child with him when you knew it was a bad idea. Even the strongest relationships can find the baby years hard going. If you have a child you want to be with someone who is at your stage in life.

Personally I think you have done the right thing. I’m a fit healthy 57 year old. But I’m finding I’m aging quicker in this decade than previous decades. I have lots of friends who are around 10 years younger than me and I’m noticing that gap as I move towards 60 feels bigger than when I was 40 and they were 30. I wouldnt want to be with a 80 year old man now. Sorry OP.

A family member married a much older man, slightly bigger age gap than yours. They had two children (my cousins born in the 1980s) and are now 64 and 88. He's been the one to nurse her through a life threatening illness during the pandemic. It worked out for them. Just a different experience I'm not trying to change your mind.

Sorry OP, me again. I can't help taking an interest in this, me being the old fucker in a relationship with the same age gap... But none of the complications of wanting children.

Just went to ask my DH about this and he was laughing that my automatic response was to advise you to ditch him.

What does HE want?
Can he face the exhausting effort of parenting at his stage of life?
Is he in reasonably good nick, physically?

He might make a great dad. And in terms of life years, quality might be better than quantity. (This is my DH's input, just sharing.)

But if you find yourself yearning for someone closer to your own age and stage of life, for whatever reason, however trivial it may seem now, don't pretend to feel differently. This is your gut telling you what to do. Respect it.

This is not an easy situation.

@Alcemeg haha thank you for your interest, honestly! He said he would have children with me, but that he wanted to give me a child because he thinks I'd be a great mum, as opposed to him wanting a child for himself - if that makes sense? His attitude towards children was always that because he's a man, he can't decide whether or not to have children so never set his heart on having any, rather a woman would need to choose him to be a father, which is very rational and actually a viewpoint I respected. That being said, as I work with children and have nieces and nephews, I know first hand how intense it is/can be, and I wasn't convinced he did fully - he likes a quieter pace of life, has definitely settled into his routine and doesn't do loud places etc. anymore, so those were all age related factors further deterring me from making such a huge decision at this stage in his life - that I could potentially be putting something on him he didn't desire deep down and was only doing for my sake - that almost felt selfish to do on my part.

@Alcemeg maybe he could have adapted to the hectic pace of life that is child rearing, or we would be the lucky ones and have a quiet child (which isn't likely to exist, ever!!), but I don't know if I'm being unrealistic or naive in my expectations of a relationship, but I'd like to think it's possible to be with someone who wants a family as much as I do.. not just to please the other person, or give them what they want - I don't want him to have to change his expectations of life so drastically just to be with me either, I'm not sure either end of the scale is fair on the other person - that meeting in the middle for us is just too far a stretch for both people.

@Ihadenough22 thank you so much for your post and thoughtful advice, you've no idea how much it helps ❤They were my thoughts exactly - that if I was having these doubts and hesitations now with no children involved, how could I bring myself to bring a child into the world with the very high possibility of those doubts sticking around - it just wouldn't have been fair on anyone involved and I felt I owed it to him and myself to be brutally honest about how I felt about the situation, as much as I wished I didn't feel that way.

I’m not going to comment on the validity of your decision ( I’m not an actuary but I can read an actuarial table and the odds are stacked in your favour….)

You are at the stage in leaving a relationship where regrets tend to kick in, especially since , unlike most people, you seem to have parted with dignity and goodwill on both sides. I think it’s after a few weeks that the adrenaline of making and carrying out your decision starts to fade, and you are left coming down from that hormonal high and beginning to face your new life on a different plane. It’s probably especially difficult when you have had a positive experience, you can’t console yourself with dwelling on your partner’s evil ways ( as in LTB).

You have to rebuild your life. It’s going to take a while, and you are going to need considerable emotional resilience. I wish you well.

You're doing the right thing by listening to your instincts. I left an 18 year age gap relationship when I was 35. My ex was 54. I had my DD with a man 10 years my junior. To this day I'm so glad my DD has young dad, rather than a much older one.

In that case, I think you're right that you should find another father.

You sound amazingly mature, no wonder he loves you.

I hope you can find someone who can deliver the whole package, as it were!

You've set a high standard. Good practice 👍 and I'm sure you'll find happiness x

I think the more you write about him, the clearer it is that you've made a good decision.

It sounds to me as if, despite loving each other, you both had only one foot in the relationship for your own reasons and he was positioning himself so that potential children and childcare were your responsibility and he could claim he only impregnated you out of consideration for your happiness if necessary.

You've clearly had a good decade or so in a respectful relationship. I hope your next relationship will be with someone who wants to commit to you with a bit more passion. And don't forget my SIL's situation.

As Pluvia said- He sounds like he would've been a very hands-off dad.

Out of interest @EarlyDayz , did you never discuss marriage? Or would he've had to get a divorce or something? Or was it just that something was (understandably) giving you doubts about that, too?

You did the right thing. You want to start a family and so you need someone (preferably also in his 30s or late 20s considering your age) who is on the same wavelength and stage in life as you. He was already in his mid/late 40s in the early stages of your relationship and probably already set on never having children. There are also higher risks of health conditions in babies born to older fathers (so not just older mothers). That’s also the age gap between me and my mum (dad is only a year and a bit older than her). Good luck in finding your perfect match!

“You did the right thing. You want to start a family and so you need someone (preferably also in his 30s or late 20s considering your age) who is on the same wavelength and stage in life as you. He was already in his mid/late 40s in the early stages of your relationship and probably already set on never having children. There are also higher risks of health conditions in babies born to older fathers (so not just older mothers). That’s also the age gap between me and my mum (dad is only a year and a bit older than her). Good luck in finding your perfect match!”

This and the similar posts. You’ve gone about this very thoughtfully. You’ve taken a painful but very wise decision. But being in close contact with him is unlikely to help your or his recovery from the breakup. You probably need to give each other some space.

I got together with DH when I was 32 and he was 52, we have been together 6 years and I’m very happy, I would have had kids with him but it didn’t work for us, we tried IVF also. Everyone is different- his age has never bothered me or played on my mind the way you describe so you’ve done the right thing for you x

So sad Op.

im afraid only you will be able to make the judgement call about health, finances, fitness, kids, values and attitudes to life and aspirations for the future.

Yes the age difference is a negative.

on the plus side, being older, can mean they have older unacceptable values or are more rounded. Health wise, there are 30 year olds with health issues and 50 year olds with a good 50 years ahead of them. Financially, there can be benefits, as well as red flags that they haven’t aquired anything by the near end of a working life.

My fear for you is that you will find the current dating world alien and vile. You will obviously have choices, but I’ve seen that world change dramatically in the past two decades and it’s just awfull. Furthermore, longevity in a relationship is no guarantee of success, but you will be hoping to have kids with someone with less history between you and may very well find that not only a challenge but a far bigger gamble than you realise.

Great relationships do exist, age differences matter in some and not in others within them. , but no relationship is perfect, and from everything you’ve said, the age difference was the only problem (in your head) and it just seems to sad that it’s come to this point.

I was a 40 year old that was left devastated when my 25 year old gf, came to the same conclusion as you. It’s took me years to get over her, and when she got in touch recently I had to decline the offer to meet following her divorce a year after her birth of twins. I guess the grass wasn’t greener, but I just didn’t want to ruin my ‘headspace’ by allowing her anywhere near me again, for anything other than a few online pleasantries.

I’m about to begin to circumnavigate the world by land going east by land, followed by another going west by sea, anticipating it will take about 7-8 years to complete. I have a great partner now, and whilst I’d have loved to be a dad, but now early fifties, I’ve missed that opportunity. Your story just reminds me of what happened to me.

I hope it all works out for you both in the directions you choose to take.

@EarlyDayz not every relationship is meant to last forever. What may have worked well when you were younger may not necessary work well when you're in your 30s

Your concerns are very valid and by the sounds of it he wasn't too convinced about having children - so you'd both be forcing something that may not necessary work out in the best of your interests.

Relationships, especially serious ones, are more than just love. The things you want in life should also align

I hope you are feeling better this morning OP. It takes a lot of underlining and hashing through to help it sink in doesn't it?

I too think, sad as it is, that you have done the right thing. There may be no guarantees in life, but there are gut worries that we must resolve, and that's what you did. You fell into this age gap thing, but it had a cloud to the silver lining.

It's sad isn't it. I too have just ended something, although only months long. He was ten and a half years older than me, the largest age gap I've ever had. I'm 48 so him at 59 - he was in bed falling asleep at 9, he had a BOX of medication, his libido was changing (he told me himself). It was an eye opener. I'm child free and solvent and love going out playing music with musicians. It just didn't work, much as I adored him. It was really eye opening to think, hmm, it could be that he has another heart incident and I'd love him and care for him, but what would happen to my own life?

Good luck to you - things do mean something and sad as it is, you have to do what your heart says x

@something2say thank you for your words and for checking in - I'm so sorry you're going through a break up too - I suppose sometimes the heart alone isn't enough to carry a relationship through, and there are many others things that need to be compatible to make things work - simply being with a good, decent person isn't always the right fit for a life partner, as sad as it is to admit to ourselves sometimes. Sending you lots of strength and wishing you all the best on your journey 💐