Leaving a loving relationship - 23 age gap

[EarlyDayz]

Hi everyone, I've recently left an age gap relationship - I had posted a thread on here about my worries and doubts whilst in the relationship as there was a 23 year age gap (I'm 32, he's 55). After a lot of debating, I finally left the relationship.

We were together for almost 9 years; he's an amazing person and I still have so much love and respect for him. I'm in a place now where I'm devastated for the lost shared life together and I keep having to remind myself of the reasons why I left - I couldn't commit to us as a couple knowing we had a very different future laid out in front of us both, that making big life commitments (children, marriage, house etc. all things I want in life) goes hand in hand with planning and thinking about your future together and every time I thought about that future I was filled with stress and anxiety of what it would look like - I had gone to counselling during our relationship (alone) to try and overcome those worries, but another year had passed since then and it just didn't get any better, so I was left feeling there was no other way than to leave.

He's heartbroken, I'm heartbroken and we both feel totally lost without each other. Right now, I feel selfish and as though I didn't care enough to stay, like I've given up and thrown away the love of another person for a future I don't even know will happen.

I feel at a loss, consumed with guilt and confusion; thinking I could have done more and wishing I weren't so hung up on future scenarios or what other people thought about us - I guess what I'm looking for is reassurance that when in a long term relationship, thinking about the future is a normal aspect of that, and if thinking about that future was causing me stress then it wasn't a healthy sign of a relationship that was destined to work out? Thank you for reading xx

@CuriouslyDifferent thank you so much for your thoughtful reply and it's helpful to get the perspective from the other side of things. I can't even begin to contemplate what the dating world is like right now, apps weren't such a big thing when I was single last, so a lot has changed even since then. But honestly, my head or heart isn't even thinking of that now, mostly I felt I owed it to us both to know truly know what I wanted out of life and didn't deem it fair to have him hanging on waiting around for me to be ready to make a commitment, as after 9 years I couldn't have waited any longer for either of us.

It’s so nice to read that you've moved on and that you’re with a wonderful person - someone who, by the sounds of it, is aligned with your goals and incredible adventures ahead - the best of luck on your trip, it sounds truly fascinating - talk about taking life by the horns!

@Pluvia and @porridgeisbae you’re both right, I did feel somewhat responsible for what our future would look like i.e. children or no children, he completely left that decision up to me, which I understand to a certain degree as I’m the woman in the relationship, but I also felt a degree of pressure that if it didn’t go as planned, the burden/blame could be placed on my shoulders - who knows.

@porridgeisbae he did ask me to marry him, I would say 3/4 times.. but more so for practical purposes (or so I got the impression, as it was never an actual proposal, if that makes sense?) It was always more so of a "it makes sense to marry for practical purposes" proposal (after Brexit, we live in Spain, I'm Irish and he's British), so I always jokingly said "Ask me in a romantic way and we'll see"

It was always more so of a "it makes sense to marry for practical purposes"

I wouldn't be impressed by that at all.

I’m 36 and I have an age gap relationship (though not quite 23 years, “only” 18 years) and one 4 year old DC and another on the way. My DH is a wonderful dad, more involved than many younger ones I know (for many in their 30s the priority is still going out drinking with mates every weekend from what I see), he still has more energy and is healthier than me. My party days are long gone and we’re actually on the same level when it comes to activities we like to do.
My parents were the same age and my dad died aged 71 so my mum is still a reasonably young widow. A few of my friends husbands (in their early 40’s) already have health conditions that might shorten their lives. Future is just never guaranteed and life is always a bit of a gamble.

I was where you are some 6 years ago and was deciding whether to walk away from an otherwise great relationship over age gap. In the end I’m glad I stayed, we have a wonderful marriage and parent well together, and I still think I would rather have 20-30 great years of marriage than 40+ mediocre or bad ones; I don’t think it’s THAT easy to find a soulmate.

That being said I also don’t think you’re wrong or making a bad decision. It is how you feel and that resentment would be there and possibly stronger with sleepless nights and added stress of kids, especially if he probably doesn’t really want them. It’s great you’re making the decision now and not once you already have kids. It’s also great that he showed you what a good relationship looks like. You’re still young and have plenty of time to meet someone new.

This is so similar to my current situation. Did it get better? I need to hear that you’re ok.

I think as others do that a lovely relationship is hard to come by and speaking from experience as my own partner is 26 years older than me !

Most of his big life things are done - we won’t, unless there’s a lottery win or a windfall buy a home together, we won’t have children together as we have both already done that - but I am very loved,very safe,very secure in my relationship and it’s been a long time thing.
We don’t have huge disagreements, he is still working, we both know what we DONT want and he will say he’s very happy to have met me and I’d say the same about meeting him.

Theres a lot of joy and happiness and although the likelihood of him dying before me is obvious,we actually never know what’s ahead and id rather be happy whilst I can.

I don’t know how the future will pan out- if he dies I won’t be getting any huge inheritance or anything his grown up children will get that (as is rightly so), we don’t make massive plans for 10 years ahead but then I didn’t do that with my ex either .

we can put a lot of stock and faith into the future but, who really knows how long a future will be?

I’ve been unhappy in relationships, I’ve been ok on my
own and I’ve been very happy in my relationship and I know which one I like best.

I think you're maybe remembering with rose coloured glasses. You left for good reasons.

It's natural to be sad, but stop so much contact and focus on the future you want.

I remember Sam Fox being asked about when she realised she was a lesbian, saying "You don't choose who you love" (or words to that effect).

That is not remotely analogous.

I’d like to know how the original poster is @EarlyDayz how is 2025 treating you?

Wow, I'm currently in the same position. I was with a man 23 years older than me for 6 years. I'm 36 and he's 59. For all the same reasons you shared, I decided it was best we split. I know you posted this over a year ago, but I had to comment because it's the exact same situation. I'm having a difficult time with it, but it's nice to know I'm not the only one who's been in this position.
@EarlyDayz

Op my dd age 29 has committed to a man the same age as my husband ( 50)
She is very maternal and wants children soon
She is a doctor and will soon be a GP
He does not want children but she says she will persuade him otherwise
He has no career or job prospects
There is no light in her eyes when she's with him and she's never dated anyone else its hard to watch
I love her but I will lose her if i interfere
I wish she would be as brave as you
It's so hard for you but so brave too
I'm an an older mum with no previous health issues and recently had a heart attack and need open heart surgery
My daughter is 13 and I am 54
She is beside herself with worry
On top of that I feel old at 54 compared to all the other mums who are much more energetic than I am now
But I'm 77 like your partner would be in the same situation

It's not fair on any child to have to lose a parent while so young
Some may say this could happen at any age but it's much more likely if he is so much older
Yes he may live until he's 90 but there will inevitably be the aging process and that will bring challenges if it's own but I'm sure you know all this

Be kind to yourself
Wishing you the happiest and kindest future

Hi @LostAtThirty First of all, I hope you're doing OK 💐It did get better - I'm not going to sugarcoat things and say it was a walk in the park because parts of the journey were really tough - I'm almost 2 years on now, did therapy, travelled, moved location and leaned on my friends and family for support, and it's incredible to read back my messages and see how far I've come since then - although it was painful leaving the relationship and there were so many positive things about the time we'd shared together, I can honestly say I wouldn't go back now - the only way I can describe it is having the sensation that I got 23 years of my life back - I now realise that I had very much gone on his timeline and pace of life much more so than my own, stopped trying new things because he'd already done them, and had the room to experiment and make mistakes on my own and pushed myself out of my comfort zone beyond what I thought I was capable of. Since then, I moved into my own place (living alone for the first time in my life) and I'm in a new relationship! He's actually 4 years younger than me, and although we're still in the early stages we both want the same future - kids, marriage etc. it feels so thrilling to be able to envisage a future with someone without the previous worrying thoughts I'd had before. I'm 34 now, so I will say that the idea of having children is slightly more pressing than before, but I'm also conscious of not rushing my new relationship just to fulfil that want now - we have discussed expectations and timelines and we're on the same page, so that's reassuring - I will also say that it's been an eye opener being with someone closer in age to me - mostly positive aspects, but it did feel strange going from being with someone so sure of who they were and where they were at to being with someone who's still figuring some things out, like me, but we're doing it together and getting stronger as a couple in the process ❤I hope that helps in some way - I don't want to paint a picture of things suddenly falling into place and being incredible since leaving - every decision comes with its ups and downs, but once you take the leap (if that's what you decide to do), you lean into making it work and making the decision mean something - if I can help in any other way, do reach out 💐

Thank you so much for your kind and encouraging words ❤ it's heartwarming to read. I'm so sorry to read about your situation - the worry of your daughter's current relationship and your health issues - I think when you have a real scare like that, it really puts things into perspective and, like you mentioned, people can have health issues at any age, or not, but it doesn't takeaway from the fact that you could be willingly choosing to have children with someone so much older and increasing the risk of those health issues happening with young children - I suppose when being in the age gap relationship, I had always admired those who didn’t let the age difference bother them - but as it worried me so much, I felt like any future children we might have had would have inadvertently been affected by or picked up on my worries and doubts.

Maybe your daughter isn’t worried about that age difference, but if he says he doesn’t want children I think that’s the bigger thing to focus on in that situation - my previous partner only wanted children because I did, and I couldn’t bring myself to put that on him, me or the potential child - for him to become a father so much later in life and not of his own desire - maybe that’s what you could bring up with your daughter if you’re worried, as opposed to solely focussing on the age difference?

It's amazing that you feel that way - truly! And if you're happy and at ease in your relationship that's the only thing that matters ❤

I think where I was going wrong was trying to convince myself that I'd suddenly wake up one morning and not have those anxious thoughts about our future together, trying to convince myself that the age difference didn't bother me - I tried to look past it for so long, read stories of others and try to relate my situation to theirs, but the older I and he got, the more amplified it became, and I realised I just wasn’t OK with it for my long term future, and that’s OK.

I’m incredibly lucky that I’ve found a new partner who's caring and kind, and although we’re in the early stages, and although some days since leaving were scary and daunting (being alone after 10 years with someone), I'm feeling positive and excited about the future and what it has to bring ❤

Thank you for sharing! It is so encouraging to know you're not alone and that there are others navigating similar - it's hard and it's shit and you just have to get through it, but you'll see out the other side before you know it - sending you strength 💐

If you partner loved you as he should, this is the outcome he should have wanted for you. Nine happy years together is a lovely thing for which he should be grateful, having already experienced his own youth and getting a second chance. He should be pleased to know that you are moving on to the rest of your life and all that is ahead of you (and behind him) and wish you well. He shouldn't be even thinking of you staying around for his old age with the sacrifices that would mean for you. Feel no guilt OP. This is a good outcome for you.

Hello EarlyDayz,
So great to hear you are doing so well.
Could I selfishly ask for some advice as I have a similar background of having left a 9 year relationship with a man who was 14 years older. In many ways our relationship and friendship was great and we had a nice life together with very little conflict, there were some things missing in our connection though. Similar to you, when I was 31 I left him because I wanted children and, in my case, he didn't. We also had no intimacy which I struggled with.

This was several years ago now. We both moved on on good terms. I have a new relationship now which is lovely and a great partner as well (no children yet though we both want them), but despite all that I can't help feeling sorrow for what I lost, missing the things I used to do with my ex (the life we lived, hobbies we shared, jokes we made, his personality) and simultaneously feeling forever guilty for making him lose all that too.
At the same time I also feel guilty towards my new partner for still thinking about the past, as he is amazing as well and I do truly love him.
Even though years have gone by, this doesn't seem to pass.
How have you moved past these feelings?

i think you’ve made the right decision OP, 23 years is a big difference and you’ve probably
’missed out’ on doing lots of things in your 20s if you hadn’t been with him. I know people say age doesn’t matter but imagine yourself as a mum of a daughter who is 23 who dates a 46 year old man I’m sure you wouldn’t be happy and I say this as someone who is a similar age to you, you’ve had a gut feeling for a reason, would be difficult to have had children with him as highly
likely you would end up as his carer x

Hi there, I'm more than happy to share my experience and thank you for feeling you could ask for advice from hearing my story - I relate to you in so many ways - the guilt of 'having done this to us' by ending things ate me up for a long time, and honestly it was talking with friends again and again about how I was feeling and ultimately having one friend who straight out told me I needed to stop with the guilt - that there was nothing to feel guilty about, and that there were two people in the relationship - it takes two people to make it work, and two people to end it - I was just the one who confronted it - the guilt of staying with him and constantly doubting our relationship is what ultimately tipped the scales for me at the time - I had a realisation that if I knew my partner was doubting our future that much, I wouldn't want the relationship to continue for my, or their sake - it wasn't fair on anyone, and I realised that the longer I chose to stay, the longer I stopped both of us from having what we both truly deserve - that thought helped put my mind at ease a lot.

Like you, I miss the friendship between us both terribly and the shared memories, but that will come with any relationship ending - a romantic one, a friendship, or even when a close person dies - it’s a grieving process for sure, and I think allowing myself to call it that and feel that grief helped me to process things better too.

We also gradually faded out of contact with each other - the first 9months or so we were checking in, but we haven’t exchanged messages in a long time now, and I feel it’s for the best - some people can maintain contact, but personally I felt like I was hanging on to a piece of my past and couldn’t fully move forward - that worked for me, but it’s not to say it’s a solution for everyone.

Your ex not wanting children and you wanting them is a huge difference in life goals, and I know it’s hard not to miss the lifestyle you created with someone for so long (there are definitely things I miss about my previous relationship), but ultimately if you’re not working towards the same future, in my opinion, someone is just going to be sacrificing too much to make it work - you made the right decision for both of you in the long term ❤

I think it depends on your own personal priorities.
I wouldn't personally have thrown away a relationship due to age gap if the love was there. There are no guarantees in life. A friend of mine age 53 has just become a dad with his partner who is 20 years younger. They are super content and happy
If you had constant doubts though, it sounds like you've done the right thing for you

I would rather have 20 years with the right man than 50 years with a mediocre one.

Thank you so much for taking the time to write such a thoughtful response. That's really helpful and I will likely be referring back to it several more times to remind myself of how not to feel bad anymore. I similarly had a friend who was utterly surprised at my feelings, saying what the hell would you feel guilty for, but I guess I'm just really stubborn for not letting it go even after that.
Thank you for such a kind reply. It definitely helps.

Completely fair, and if I could have resolved the worries and fears about the age gap, I absolutely would have continued - hearing that your friend is happy and content in her relationship regardless of the age gap is the most important thing ❤

Any time ❤ Try too not to be too hard on yourself for thinking about the past relationship while in your new one - you spent a large portion of your life with that person and it doesn't disappear overnight, that time will always be a part of you and who you are - speaking with friends also made me realise that it's a normal part of life, thoughts come and go and that's ok, it doesn't take away from your present and the life you want to create in the future with your new partner - sending you strength on your journey 💐

My DP is 20 years older than me (40/60). I took the view that I’d rather not have children than have children with the wrong person. Good partners/ relationships are hard to come by in my experience, and my DP brings out the best in me, but I never really worried much about the future. In any event, we did end up having two DCs, currently both under six, and DP is a great dad. I can completely understand though why a 20 year age difference wouldn’t be for everyone. I do sometimes worry about the children being fatherless and being on my own at a relatively young age. But then I could be diagnosed with terminal cancer tomorrow. You just never know what life will throw at you. That’s my view anyway. Best of luck OP, I hope you find what you’re looking for x

My GF of 7 years is in this position right NOW. She is 27 and I just turned 58. I am divorced and she is never married. I had two kids - one died two years ago, and the other is an adult. In fact, I was her first serious boyfriend. She prefers older men for many reasons, but 30 years is really a huge gap. We never planned on being this serious; it just happened.

We are in the process of breaking up because she cannot accept the age her kid’s father would be. It doesn’t fit her life image and she can’t shake it.

She has reached the point of “I can no longer go on” with ambiguity on this. She has always hoped that time would help her feel OK about having the father of her children be my age, but the distress has gotten worse.

It’s all the worse because we both have clearly concluded that we want to spend the rest of our lives with the other person — longer than that — forever. Neither of us can separate, it feels, but she has fronted the issue and I want her to be at peace so I am supportive.

What we have built is just so good. We had serious problems years ago and worked through them to build a simply fantastic relationship with a counselor. It’s just rock solid. There would be zero reason to break up other than the “dilemma”. She isn’t even worried about my age (and aging), so much as the age her kid’s father would be.

I want kids with her. She is firmly wanting kids in general.

We are both in a WORLD of hurt!

I will accept her decision on this as it takes shape over this year, but I feel like she might not be considering some facts that could make an older father actually preferable. I don’t want to pitch her, convince her, or manipulate her. I do want her to have a clear vision of what it could be. Do you all have things that she might consider, including “run”. Haha.

Thanks for contributing to this bread. I have already learned some new thoughts by reading you all.