Married a year and a half and husband cheated on me oral sex

[Heartbroken6]

I’m 33, me and my husband have been together 9 years, got married a year and a half ago. We have been trying for our first baby for the last few months also. I 100% trusted him, we have a happy marriage and never ever would have thought he would do something like this to me. He is the kindest, loveliest man and I am now utterly heartbroken and in complete shock. We have 2 little dogs together, a lovely home, a nice life together and we were both looking forward to having a baby.
He started a new job last year and sometimes works away. He worked away for a week last month. Anyway yesterday he said he didn’t feel right and barely had an appetite. Then this morning, I woke up and he was sat up in bed next to me. Said he’s waiting for a phone call from a Dr (he has private insurance). He then confessed to me that when he was out one night when he went away with work, a woman in another group they had met kissed him on the lips when saying goodbye and he thinks she had a lump on her lip - I think he had been googling and he’s worried he’s got an STI. I was obviously confused and demanded he told me the truth as I did not believe she just kissed him - he said she was flirting with him and they all had a lot to drink. Anyway he eventually told me that this woman came back to his hotel room and she gave him a blow job. I am utterly heartbroken. We had our lives planned out and had such a happy relationship. This is totally out of character. He doesn’t know how he let it happen and it begging for me to forgive him and doesn’t want to lose his family, I just can’t believe he has done this to me. In a way I wish he didn’t tell me I feel I am living in a nightmare.
I love him so much and I just don’t know what to do :( I am in complete shock. I have a twin sister who I usually would run to but my family adore my husband and feel if I decide to try and see past this I wouldn’t want them to know.. 💔

So he told you nothing, then he told you it was a kiss, now he's saying it was oral sex. Who knows how far it actually went. What is clear is that he is capable of lying to you. If he'll do this not long after being married while you're trying for a baby , Christ knows what he'll do when your attention is on a newborn and your sex life becomes less of a priority.

Have you been intimate with him since he returned? Is he also jeopardising your health?

Personally I need trust in a relationship and wouldn't trust him after this

If he has blisters on his penis or a cluster of scabs , then could be herpes. Ask him what is symptoms are ?
Then you need to have a check up and to think of what you want to happen in your relationship.

They only ever tell you what they think they'll get away with OP.

They only ever admit to what they think they have to. First kiss, then oral sex. It'll be more. It always is. And this is just the one time he caught something - what about the times he didn't catch anything?

He has to go. Don't feel bad for grieving that the last 9 years haven't been what you think they were.

My sympathies that you are having to deal with this. Unfortunately I agree with the PPs saying he’s only admitting to what he thinks he can get away with. Have you had unprotected sex with him since this happened? Because if he’s got an STI then you may well have too now. Quite apart from anything else I, personally, could never forgive that. And why wouldn’t you want your family to know? You need support, don’t let him take that away from you too.

its terrible to be going through this.
Dont feel like you need to do something or justify anything to anyone.
Take your time and see what you want to do.

People go through and get through all kinds of situations in marriages. Some break up, others stay together. Only you know what is right for you.
He is stupid, no doubt about that. But, he does seem to genuenlu not be a natural lier - he didn’t have to tell and could have just forgotten it.
If you did decide to work through it - I think there is hope for you two. Remorse so the first step and he is clearly there.

Hi OP, when he says "a woman in another group", I'd also be questioning that and wanting to find out if it's actually someone at work that he's having an affair with. Whether it's an affair, or was an absolutely stupid one night fling with a random person - both are terrible, however i agree with previous posters who have said blokes will only tell you the bare minimum.

I'd be wanting to see his phone.

And I'd still be leaving regardless of what i do or do not find. I'd just want to be leaving with as full a picture as possible, as to what really went on.

Please at least hang fire on starting a family with this man. If you decide to stay, he must absolutely regain your trust and that will take time, and may not be possible, you won't know until you walk that path.

Sorry this has happened to you, they really are shits.

Also agree with the poster who said to not hide this from your family. Verbally talking about this will be a release, and they will want to be there for you; I'm sure they'd hate to find out at some point you've had to struggle with coping with this on your own x

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. You’ve been together since your early 20’s so it’s hard to imagine being in another relationship but if you really do want to have children, I would advise you to leave him and find another man rather than waste years trying to make things work. The nature of his job means that he has ample opportunity to cheat while he’s away and you will go crazy wondering what he’s up to. I’ve been there - once the trust is broken, it’s really hard to build back and unless he’s willing to take extreme measures to rebuild trust (starting with finding a new job) and be fully accountable, there’s no point. The 9 years are a sunk cost - don’t look back, look forward.

This is horrible. I’m so sorry. You must be in bits. I don’t want to scare you but what your partner has done to you is beyond cheating. Unprotected sexual contact could lead to diseases that cause permanent infertility and worse… Obviously you won’t know until you know but the idea that this could have happened and he gave it no thought.

I would find this really hard to forgive but really I’m not sure how I could trust someone who said they had a kiss which has swapped to oral? What is it really and how many times? Was it this time when he was with someone who had an outward STI that he thought ‘oops’. I find it really weird he decided to go for it despite noticing too. It’s your life but if I were in your position - no kids, whole life ahead of you - I’d run. You deserve better.

It's unlikely someone does something like this out of the blue.

Cheating, even oral, could risk your health and the unborn foetuses health - since you're having unprotected sex and TTC.

It may not seem like it but it's a massive silver lining that you found this out about him before kids. It's a blessing you're not tied to. Him and could end your starter marriage with this cheat, and not have the tremendous complications and ties if a child together.

If he's taking women back to his hotel room and getting blow jobs off them (at the very least) a year and a half married, wtf is he going to be doing years in, with the 7 yr itch, the boredom, the stress of kids etc.

You've had a big warning, don't ignore it.

https://www.stdcheck.com/blog/stds-that-can-affect-unborn-babies-pregnancy/

I imagine this is not the first time and just a one off. Get yourself tested. He's only sorry he's been caught

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP.

Like the PPs have said, it's essential that you get yourself checked out at an STI clinic. Do this even if you haven't had sex with him since he's saying the infidelity happened. Unfortunately, it's very, very unlikely that this is a one off and he's proved that's he's capable of lying to you more than once.

After the STI check you have a choice. You can stay with him. He knows he has got away with lying so far so is lovable to keep being unfaithful or you can apply for Divorce, get yourself a good Solicitor to sort out the finances and ask him to leave.

Aha, yep, because women are desperate to give blow jobs to random men and get nothing in return...

I'm so sorry he did this to you.

I'm so, so sorry OP. 💐You've been together a long time, so you naturally thought you knew him, but I just don't believe this is out of character.

I imagine that this sort of thing is not terribly unusual at his workplace, especially at work outings with other men, and there is a chance he's done similar before, but this time it got serious due to the SDI element.

Some men, despite being in fulfilling relationships always want extra. They're opportunists and want to add some danger and thrills into their lives . Other men just feel trapped in their comfortable lives, want to self-destruct in order to cling onto their 20s, especially if they have a baby on the way or this is on the cards. It's their desperate way of ending that because they're having serious doubts, don't want to be honest about it, or it's just not what they want.

I am reminded of someone who said 'Men generally don't leave their girlfriends. They just become progressively worse boyfriends until their female parters accept the emotional labour of ending the relationship'.

If someone did this to me, I assume he had already slotted me into the role of nice little wifey at home that provides comfort and sex, but a set-up where he clearly also wants that spice on the side and has proven himself to be the type of man that will do that and who clearly doesn't mind putting his partner at risk. It's a bad sign for the future.

OP - I feel like this is a difficult situation due to to the length of time you've been together and want to have children now.

Please think carefully about what your future might look like if you stay with him. Any relationship can break down for other reasons, but he's already shown himself to be a liability. Are you prepared to be a single mum? Are you financially independent? I don't know how STIs affect unborn babies, but do think of that. It's one thing to have children when you don't have much evidence that they'll be a faithful partner, but it's another to proceed when you've been given solid evidence of the opposite. I do think it's possible for someone to do something and never do it again, but it's a big risk to take and it could affect your relationship permanently.

I’m sorry OP. What a betrayal and risk to your own health. Don’t be a woman so desperate for a relationship/kids they put up with this rubbish.

Sorry missed one thing off my "to do" list. Get mad and quickly. How dare he do this to you OP? How dare he throw away everything you had together. You deserve so much more.

Then challenge that anger into loving on and putting him behind you

It was a kiss and then it was only oral sex, her going down on him… he, of course, didn’t do anything. Right… you believe it?

You're an idiot if you do. He had sex with her. And is only telling you because he thinks he has an STI.

You’re not pregnant yet. Don’t forgive him. Leave. Have some self respect.

*moving on

This.

How devastating OP. I couldn’t get past this personally. How can you ever trust him again? He’s only told you because he has an STD. If he hadn’t he’d still be a cheating git but you wouldn’t know.

Im really sorry - I am glad you don’t have kids yet x

I’m so sorry OP 😞what an awful shock!! It’s worse as it’s so out of the blue, I would be questioning if this is really the first time or not. Only you know if you can get past it but I know I would not be able to trust him working away ever again.
You deserve better.

I'm usually very reticent to agree with ending a relationship unless it's a last resort thing, but honestly there are so SO many red flags here and you are currently in a position where

A) life is good and easy and "happy". If he cheats now, there is no hope further down the line when the stress of kids kicks in. Having children can almost destroy even the best of marriages, let alone one where cheating has already occurred.

B) he lied. And lied. And lied. He lied to begin with, then lied it was a kiss, and is still lying now. No woman on earth goes up to a man's hotel room, puts his penis in her mouth for his enjoyment alone, then walks away receiving nothing herself. She's not the mother bloody Teresa of blowjobs.

C) you currently don't have the ties of children to consider. You can leave now and find someone who isn't going to cheat, whilst putting both you and any potential baby at serious risk of harm from STDs. There are plenty of STDs without symptoms, so had he not got actual lumps/blisters would he have ever told you? I doubt it. But the risk you'd be put at would be there regardless.

I get how huge this must be and how heartbreaking. Its a long time and family ties and house, dogs etc. All of which must feel overwhelming. But it isn't you who has disregarded those things. It's him. He wasn't thinking about any of that whilst being sucked off in a hotel room. He also wasn't thinking about your hurt or your health or your future. Blowjobs don't happen by accident (plus whatever else went on). He had the whole time walking up to that room to change his mind and he didn't. He has shown you what he's capable of, you have to make a decision based on who he is, not who you thought or believed he is.

I'm so sorry for your pain xxx

Why would you wnat o stay with a man who could do ths & in all likelihood only tell you because he had to?

Do you really love this man-the one who has cheated on you because that's all he thinks that you are worth?

I’m sorry but I don’t buy his story of how he came to find out he has an STI. Seems more likely that he was contacted by the OW or an Anon NHS text to say he needs to get checked. This would mean she had his phone number so not just a ONS. I hope I’m wrong and really sorry you are going through this. LTB.