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Original poster

Married a year and a half and husband cheated on me oral sex

124 replies

Heartbroken6 · 14/05/2023 11:55

I’m 33, me and my husband have been together 9 years, got married a year and a half ago. We have been trying for our first baby for the last few months also. I 100% trusted him, we have a happy marriage and never ever would have thought he would do something like this to me. He is the kindest, loveliest man and I am now utterly heartbroken and in complete shock. We have 2 little dogs together, a lovely home, a nice life together and we were both looking forward to having a baby.
He started a new job last year and sometimes works away. He worked away for a week last month. Anyway yesterday he said he didn’t feel right and barely had an appetite. Then this morning, I woke up and he was sat up in bed next to me. Said he’s waiting for a phone call from a Dr (he has private insurance). He then confessed to me that when he was out one night when he went away with work, a woman in another group they had met kissed him on the lips when saying goodbye and he thinks she had a lump on her lip - I think he had been googling and he’s worried he’s got an STI. I was obviously confused and demanded he told me the truth as I did not believe she just kissed him - he said she was flirting with him and they all had a lot to drink. Anyway he eventually told me that this woman came back to his hotel room and she gave him a blow job. I am utterly heartbroken. We had our lives planned out and had such a happy relationship. This is totally out of character. He doesn’t know how he let it happen and it begging for me to forgive him and doesn’t want to lose his family, I just can’t believe he has done this to me. In a way I wish he didn’t tell me I feel I am living in a nightmare.
I love him so much and I just don’t know what to do :( I am in complete shock. I have a twin sister who I usually would run to but my family adore my husband and feel if I decide to try and see past this I wouldn’t want them to know.. 💔

OP posts:
WhatTheHeal · 14/05/2023 13:32

I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I’d assume the oral sex wasn’t the full extent of it, just the bit he’s admitting to as he has to. It may also of not only been once.

Regardless, he’s cheated and you need to decide if you can come back from that. Can you live like that? I couldn’t, so I ended it.

Worse still if you are trying for a baby then he has clearly put you at risk of catching an STI. You need to get tested. You say he doesn’t feel well, what’s wrong with him? Apparently the STI tests they do don’t test for genital herpes and it can only be diagnosed if you have the symptoms, so you still need to be aware. He’s put you at a massive risk (and your baby, if you’d conceived in this time). I’d also do a pregnancy test to be sure and making sure I never had sex with him again (protected or otherwise).

Please be gentle with yourself, it isn’t your fault. Be glad you’ve found out now before you are tied to this loser forever. Be strong x

Garethkeenansstapler · 14/05/2023 13:36

Oh god I’m sorry, you must feel sick. I’m sorry but I don’t believe the ‘just a blow job’ thing, sounds like he’s worried he’s got the clap and I doubt it was caught mouth-to-penis. Much more likely they had sex, he’s come out in symptoms and now he’s minimising by saying it was just a blow job as he know he was about to get caught. Urghhhh.

Garethkeenansstapler · 14/05/2023 13:36

And yes please get tested.

booksandbrews · 14/05/2023 13:40

I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP. I wouldn’t try and make any major decisions right now; just focus on taking care of yourself, whatever that looks like. It might be asking your husband to move out and give you space, it might be going to stay with family or friends, or it might be asking him some difficult questions. Get yourself tested as a priority.

If you head over to the surviving infidelity website, there’s a forum for people who have just discovered infidelity. You’ll find lots of practical advice there from people who have been through this and either separated or stayed together, so you’ll get a range of perspectives.

2bazookas · 14/05/2023 13:47

So this person just gave him a kiss; then she just gave him a blow job in his room ; and now he expects you to believe she did not expect, and get, oral in return, and/or a shag?

He didn't get a lump on his lip from a kiss or a blow job. That's not what he's panicking about. He surely has other, uro-genital symptoms, most likely after unprotected shagging. PIV or anal? It's unlikely this is his first away-day shag with a stranger. Just the first you found out about.

All while he's been having unprotected sex with you that could have conceieved and infected a child and you with any STI

Thank god you found out before you got pregnant.

You need to see a DR asap for antibiotics and full bloods STI screening.

VladimirVsVolodymyr · 14/05/2023 13:57

I'm sorry but he didn't cheat with oral sex. He cheated on you full stop. He's worried about a UTI and now he's fessed up. Get yourself checked out first and figure out what you need to do.
Imagine being pregnant and not wanting to have sex or having a newborn/ baby that isn't sleeping and sec is low on the agenda. What will he be up to them? What will you be thinking he's up to? Hope you have someone to talk to. Look after yourself.x

VladimirVsVolodymyr · 14/05/2023 13:59

Absolutely talk to your sister, don't bottle this up and suffer alone when you have people that genuinely care about you!

Fiddlededeefiddlededoh · 14/05/2023 14:05

For me it is incidental if it is oral sex or full sex, they are the same level of cheating in my eyes.

You must see so hurt and betrayed and heartbroken, you poor poor thing. What an absolute arsehole he is to have done this to you.

In your shoes I would need to get someone I could speak to privately about this outside of family and friends. I would be going to a therapist, maybe your work have a well-being therapy service? I think you need to get someone to help you to process this.

From your DH I would need genuine remorse, genuine self reflection and a willingness to put up with all of the grief he caused and then 100% commitment to that grieving process before I would be willing to consider staying after an affair.

I am so sorry you are going through this it is an enormous betrayal.

Starlitestarbright · 14/05/2023 14:13

He works away so has plenty of opportunity. Unfortunately you'd be suprised how many men cheat when working away. I also think he had sex and I don't think its the first time. He only told you because he had to and he lied first and then again he is minising to limit damage control. You'd be crazy to stay and have a child with him. What happens when your busy with a baby and he's working away. Unfortunately your relationship will never be the same again.

MammaTo · 14/05/2023 14:21

UndercoverCop · 14/05/2023 11:59

So he told you nothing, then he told you it was a kiss, now he's saying it was oral sex. Who knows how far it actually went. What is clear is that he is capable of lying to you. If he'll do this not long after being married while you're trying for a baby , Christ knows what he'll do when your attention is on a newborn and your sex life becomes less of a priority.

Have you been intimate with him since he returned? Is he also jeopardising your health?

Personally I need trust in a relationship and wouldn't trust him after this

All of this and more!

Imagine his behaviour when a newborn that takes up literally 100% of your attention arrives.

You’ll never know if it’s happened any other times, plus do you believe she just gave him a BJ and he reciprocated nothing?

If you choose to see past it please please make sure you go to therapy and you’re 100% over this before you have a baby, a baby WILL NOT solve your problems or make him love you more.

Fe1986 · 14/05/2023 14:51

MMmomDD · 14/05/2023 12:21

its terrible to be going through this.
Dont feel like you need to do something or justify anything to anyone.
Take your time and see what you want to do.

People go through and get through all kinds of situations in marriages. Some break up, others stay together. Only you know what is right for you.
He is stupid, no doubt about that. But, he does seem to genuenlu not be a natural lier - he didn’t have to tell and could have just forgotten it.
If you did decide to work through it - I think there is hope for you two. Remorse so the first step and he is clearly there.

I disagree he didn’t have to say. Sounds like he was worried he’s got herpes, made up that she had a scab on her lip, believing oral sex to be less of an offence than intercourse in his wife’s eyes. If he’s possibly got an STI, I’m sure his first thought was “My wife will also catch it and know!”

OP, I’m so sorry this has happened to you. I would be questioning if you’d have ever found out if he didn’t suspect he has an STI… I’m not sure I could carry on without trust but I don’t know and many do. Give yourself time. 💐 He has ruined what you had - it was absolutely nothing you did. I think we tend to get introspective in these situations and wonder if it was something we did or didn’t do. I do agree though that there will be times throughout your marriage where the romance will seem a distant memory (pregnancy, newborns, kids, menopause, work stress…) and if he could do this now in the honeymoon period, I’m not sure I could trust him to be faithful in these times.

exwhyzed · 14/05/2023 14:58

He is probably using prostitutes.

and now he has symptoms.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 14/05/2023 15:05

I'm sosorry OP.
I'm with other posters, I suspect he had full sex and that this wasn't the first time.

Get yourself checked out. Then seriously consider ending your marriage. He has been unfaithful, has lied to you and put you at risk. You deserve so much better

JulieHoney · 14/05/2023 15:06

Chuck him out. He's a liar and a cheat who is admitting to as little as he can to cove up needing a STI check. If he's cheating at this early stage I shudder to think what he'd do if you were exhuasted with a newborn and he is travellibng for work again.

I'm so sorry, OP. You deserve much better. And tell your sister, you're going to need her support.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 14/05/2023 15:11

He slept with her. He’s giving you drips of info and trying to give you as little info as possible.

And she probably has herpes.

I wouldn’t be able to forgive that, you’re trying to have a baby for fuck’s sake. He’s an utter fool.

Crumpleton · 14/05/2023 15:13

So sorry you've been put in this situation.

It's so easy to blame infidelity on drink when in actual fact your DH probably knew exactly what he was doing, what did he expect you to say " hey no worries we've all been there".

It's not the drink it's the inability to control yourself, as your DH has shown.

It really is your choice if you choose to forgive him but you really need to make sure he doesn't see forgiveness as you being a walk over and giving him the green light to continue with this behaviour in future.
If you do continue in your marriage you also have to be prepared for the fact that this may happen again.

Mummyneedsacoffee · 14/05/2023 15:14

So sorry this is happening to you.

he’s lied once, I hate to say it but just oral is probably still lying and defo still cheating.

absolutely tell your sister, have some support and think about what you want to do. I’d be inclined to keep questioning him how far it actually went if I’m honest..he would have known what he was doing….

Pegsandsunshine · 14/05/2023 15:17

So sad, but I think at least you know you have married a lying scum and can now find a new , more worthy man. He is lying still and luckily for you got STI so at least he didnt get away with it (and who knows if it was not the first time). And he does not know how that happened- he let that woman in and had sex with her, doubt she held him at gunpoint to have sex with him.

JenWillsiam · 14/05/2023 15:21

I’m going to agree with others. I don’t believe that’s all that happened or that it’s isolated.

Please get fully tested, he can’t be trusted.

TheShellBeach · 14/05/2023 15:23

I expect he's got symptoms of an STI which has nothing to do with her mouth.
Stop having sex with him. Get yourself checked, then get divorced.

BTMadmummy · 14/05/2023 15:23

exwhyzed · 14/05/2023 14:58

He is probably using prostitutes.

and now he has symptoms.

Really, is there any need for this comment?

Shapemyeyebrows · 14/05/2023 15:24

@Heartbroken6 I’m sorry but I doubt very much it was just a blow job. I would say it’s very likely that he had unprotected sex with this woman and is worried he’s caught something. He is doing the standard drip feed to you, telling you the bare minimum until he’s forced to admit more. He is obviously sleeping with you unprotected as you are trying for a baby and then he’s having unprotected sex elsewhere. What an absolute knob. You need to get tested. I also don’t think your partner is the person you believe him to be, he’s a liar and a cheat. I know it’s hard when you love someone but it sounds like you have rose tinted glasses on. I am sorry what you are going through, you deserve better.

determinedtomakethiswork · 14/05/2023 15:25

I would think that the only time a woman would go to his hotel, give him a blow job and not get anything in return would be if she was a sex worker. Why would anyone do that otherwise? I think he has had sex with someone, either a sex worker or a woman he knows. I would never be able to trust him again.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 14/05/2023 15:25

Sounds like has has cheated and has now maybe caught herpes (which isn’t the end of the world but NOT optimal for a pregnant woman )

please think very VERY hard if you want to go through pregnancy and newborn with this

people do cheat , it happens and can be forgiven
but it is very early days in your marriage for this and you are ‘happy’

So why’s he screwing random women ?

C1N1C · 14/05/2023 15:32

I always tend to play devil's advocate on here, so I will again. I'm definitely not diminishing his actions. Absolutely wrong! But...

I generally class cheaters into two categories... what I call good day cheaters, and bad day cheaters.

Good day cheaters are scum. On the best day, they're looking for some tail. Doesn't matter if the relationship is amazing. They just want sex and to hell with your feelings.

Bad day cheaters are people that wouldn't normally cheat unless there's a bad day... too much to drink, argument with a spouse, depression... generally nice people that are just vulnerable in some way. Not condoning it, but this is your 'maybe I could forgive thrm' bunch...

If you actually think it's a one-off, then he's got some grovelling! But look him in thr eye and say last time and you want to know every single detail for the trust... no matter how much it hurts, he tells you now everything, because if you find out there's a single kiss more, a single hand-hold more...you're done.