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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Married a year and a half and husband cheated on me oral sex

124 replies

Heartbroken6 · 14/05/2023 11:55

I’m 33, me and my husband have been together 9 years, got married a year and a half ago. We have been trying for our first baby for the last few months also. I 100% trusted him, we have a happy marriage and never ever would have thought he would do something like this to me. He is the kindest, loveliest man and I am now utterly heartbroken and in complete shock. We have 2 little dogs together, a lovely home, a nice life together and we were both looking forward to having a baby.
He started a new job last year and sometimes works away. He worked away for a week last month. Anyway yesterday he said he didn’t feel right and barely had an appetite. Then this morning, I woke up and he was sat up in bed next to me. Said he’s waiting for a phone call from a Dr (he has private insurance). He then confessed to me that when he was out one night when he went away with work, a woman in another group they had met kissed him on the lips when saying goodbye and he thinks she had a lump on her lip - I think he had been googling and he’s worried he’s got an STI. I was obviously confused and demanded he told me the truth as I did not believe she just kissed him - he said she was flirting with him and they all had a lot to drink. Anyway he eventually told me that this woman came back to his hotel room and she gave him a blow job. I am utterly heartbroken. We had our lives planned out and had such a happy relationship. This is totally out of character. He doesn’t know how he let it happen and it begging for me to forgive him and doesn’t want to lose his family, I just can’t believe he has done this to me. In a way I wish he didn’t tell me I feel I am living in a nightmare.
I love him so much and I just don’t know what to do :( I am in complete shock. I have a twin sister who I usually would run to but my family adore my husband and feel if I decide to try and see past this I wouldn’t want them to know.. 💔

OP posts:

Closetbeanmuncher · 14/05/2023 18:40

Yeah, I would send him and his scabby dick packing.

Climbles · 14/05/2023 18:44

He has shagged someone else and then lied about the details and about how STIs are on his radar. If you don’t leave, you will have to accept a lifetime of cheating and lying.

lunaloveroo · 14/05/2023 18:46

I wouldn't believe that he stopped at oral sex. Did he say why he did stop at oral?

Original poster

Heartbroken6 · 14/05/2023 19:21

Ever thought it’s because I’m utterly devastated and heartbroken about what I’ve found out this morning?! Cruel!

OP posts:

TheShellBeach · 14/05/2023 19:27

Heartbroken6 · 14/05/2023 19:21

Ever thought it’s because I’m utterly devastated and heartbroken about what I’ve found out this morning?! Cruel!

Of course you're upset.
That's understandable.
Have you told your husband how you're feeling?

Robinni · 14/05/2023 19:34

@Heartbroken6 in the kindest possible way, MN is probably not the best place to be searching for support right now.

You have a lovely family there who know you and your husband. I would absolutely turn to them as you need people around you right now.

I would echo what people are saying re. both of you having an STI screen, dubious it stopped at a blowjob, and lucky you don’t already have children.

If you decide to stay with him you will need couples counselling, it may be irreparable.

As painful as all this is, having a good support network will get you through.

booksandbrews · 14/05/2023 19:38

Robinni · 14/05/2023 19:34

@Heartbroken6 in the kindest possible way, MN is probably not the best place to be searching for support right now.

You have a lovely family there who know you and your husband. I would absolutely turn to them as you need people around you right now.

I would echo what people are saying re. both of you having an STI screen, dubious it stopped at a blowjob, and lucky you don’t already have children.

If you decide to stay with him you will need couples counselling, it may be irreparable.

As painful as all this is, having a good support network will get you through.

Totally agree. You need support from people who love and care about you, or from a professional who knows what they’re doing. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

BinkyBeaufort · 14/05/2023 19:57

Please don't carry on trying for a baby with this faithless bastard. For contraception I prescribe a hefty whack to his gonads with a mallet.

YoucancallmeKAREN · 14/05/2023 19:59

You know he has slept with this woman. Now you have to decide if you are worth more than this. It really is that simple.

HarrietStyles · 14/05/2023 20:22

TheSnowyOwl · 14/05/2023 18:24

So either he only admitted the minimum he could get away with after being pushed and, at very best it’s a kiss and a blow job with nothing else.

Or in nine years he was unfaithful just once and taken advantage of by a women giving him a kiss and an unreciprocated blow job and, what are the odds, he got an STI from it.

Much more likely he is a serial cheat who has finally got caught out.

Exactly this!

Proudofitbabe · 14/05/2023 20:45

The others have said it all. It's done, cut your losses, trust is gone. And thank god this came to light before you had kids. It's horrible for you now but you'll look back and be glad you got out of it.

porridgeisbae · 14/05/2023 20:58

I think point that was being made, that did you really give a blow job when younger to a completely random man

No, when I was younger I had an affair with a married man. He lied to his wife (at first) and said it was just a BJ...

Sunflowergirl1 · 18/06/2023 10:03

How are things now @Heartbroken6 . Hope you were able to make some decisions?

DemelzaandRoss · 18/06/2023 13:24

So sorry for you. Please do confide in your sister & other family. You need support at this time.
The dilemma is whether to salvage the relationship or not.
Personally, I would not. However the least that should happen is for him to move out if possible. The STD situation needs dealing with immediately. You need time to absorb his awful behaviour & decide in your own time which path to take.

Coconutsandpalmtrees · 18/06/2023 13:29

I'm sorry so to hear this. Tell him and his dirty dick to get out of your house.

Coconutsandpalmtrees · 18/06/2023 13:29

*so sorry

billy1966 · 18/06/2023 13:53

Speak to your sister.

Stop trying for a baby.

Give yourself time to process this.

Do you think you are someone who can move on from this?

Or is once the trust is gone its gone?

Only you know who you are.

Do not have a child with him before knowing what you want.

Splitting up after children is so much harder.

Forget about him.
Think about you and ehat you want.

You shouldn't rush into any decision.

Perhaps get some solo counselling to help.

I'm so sorry.

IAmAlreadyRegrettingMyGreyColourScheme · 18/06/2023 14:35

I have to agree with pp, it's incredibly unlikely a random woman was desperate to give some bloke a blow job with nothing in it for her.
Hes either had unprotected sex or given her oral too and now thinks he's picked up Herpes.
If you've had unprotected sex with him since, you may have it too.
Please do not have a baby with this man. He will 100% cheat on you once the babys here because parenting is tough. Imagine having to hand your baby over to this guy and whatever woman he's with for the next 18 years. It will break your heart.
You deserve so much better. Please tell your family. You need support.
I'm sorry this has happened. Run for the hills, he isn't the one for you.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 18/06/2023 14:52

I'm so sorry he did this. He cheated, risked your sexual health and broke all of your trust. Not only did he cheat but he lied on several occasions and more than likely continues to do.

His story has more holes than sive and there is no such thing as an accident blowjob. You need to leave him for your long term happiness. Please do talk to someone and use their support to help you. if you don'twant to talk to friends and family yet, talk to a counsellor or the Samartians etc.

DoubleTime · 18/06/2023 15:16

I'm sorry OP. This must be a very big shock. You need to take a big step back from him I think, and take time to process this. You don't have to make any decisions now, you can just tell him that you want time away from him to think because he has shocked you by his behaviour. Tell him to stay elsewhere or at least the spare room. Take the time to make sure you have nothing to worry about healthwise from his escapades, and get some time off work and get yourself a chill out break somewhere and a good and trusted friend to talk to.

EbonyRaven · 18/06/2023 15:37

As a few posters have said, there's no WAY this was just a blow-job, and was very likely not just a one-night-stand. Probably someone he knows, and has contact with. As a poster said, no woman is just going to give a man a blow job and then leave with nothing back - not even a shag. Probably didn't get his filthy pox on his penis from her mouth sorry @Heartbroken6 He caught it from her genitals. They have had full sex.

I would be running as far away from this man as I could get. He is a liar and a cheat and as has been said, men will lie and lie and lie to try and get themselves out of a corner, even if they're presented with evidence of their cheating. (Some) women start to question their sanity with the lies men tell, and the denial, and the 'you're fucking imagining it woman!' type comments.

I would also be demanding to look at his phone. You need as much evidence as possible for the divorce. Do NOT stay with this lying, cheating, pox-ridden P.O.S.

You deserve better @Heartbroken6 I'm so sorry..... And as someone said earlier, do NOT have a baby with him. He will cheat when you're pregnant, and leave you home with the baby when it's here (while he cheats even more!) And
God alone knows what diseases he will pass on. Ewwww, what a vile bastard. 😠

Aquamarine1029 · 18/06/2023 15:40

Your husband 100% had sex with this woman, probably more than once, and I wouldn't be surprised if there were several other women in the past.

Run for your life.

Labradorandshiraz · 01/07/2023 14:50

I think you need to play the long game.

Its okay to stay. We’d all love to fantasise about calling the lawyers and sending him packing. You have a 3 month old - I can’t imagine having the strength for much else and there’s no right or wrong for you.

Your well being, your children, your day to day survival, financial and home security are your priority.

You have the option of putting this in your back pocket. There’s no shame in that, play a long game, sneakily plan your finances, do some study to enhance your career as a single mum , wait until you have a baby and then break free.

I’m so sorry. I hope that whatever path you take, leads you to someone that deserves you xoxoxox

Labradorandshiraz · 01/07/2023 14:51

Wait until you don’t have a baby and she/he is a little more independent, I meant x

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