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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Paranoid husband accusing me of cheating

115 replies

Pebblessss · 14/05/2023 09:21

Been with my husband almost 10 years and recently for the past 6m he keeps accusing me of cheating and paranoid about everything. I have never cheated in my whole life! He is the only guy I’ve ever been with too! We have a 2 year old. I am not interested nor do i have time for that! I dont know how much more i can take or reassure him anymore it’s draining the life out of me. Yesterday i had a shower and went to sleep early. He accused me of cheating saying why did you shower again you shower yesterday? Are you serious I can’t take a shower i have to validate everything then he was in a mood and slept on the floor. WHAT DID I DO? I dont know what to do at this point im sick to death of all this.

OP posts:
Cherry85 · 14/05/2023 09:23

Tell him to go stay somewhere else until he gets himself sorted. If he doesn't then there is no future in it. BUT ask him why he really thinks that - it could be a complete misunderstanding that has escalated.

Galectable · 14/05/2023 09:28

This is so distressing for you. You can't continue like that. Either you need to challenge him e.g. "I'm not putting up with this b#llsh%t you need to move out!" or tell him he's paranoid and you need couples counselling. Just don't put up with it any longer. Good luck xx

C1N1C · 14/05/2023 09:31

People will say you accuse others if you are guilty of it yourself... is it possible he hasn't been faithful?

Could he be on drugs like Cannabis? They can cause paranoia.

Definitely not victim-blaming, just trying to understand... has your behaviour changed significantly recently? I.e. if you never used to take that shower and do no... if you're using more makeup, if you have later nights at work?... things like that.

Just exploring all the possibilities :)

Bluebells1970 · 14/05/2023 09:34

I was also going to ask if he smokes weed ...

This isn't acceptable behaviour, whatever is causing it though. You can't live like that.

SaulSobieski · 14/05/2023 09:45

Guilty conscience/projection perhaps?

As others have said, does he use drugs or could he be?

Has this behaviour really only started 6 months ago after 9 and a half years of nothing?

TheShellBeach · 14/05/2023 09:45

He's probably being unfaithful himself.

Original poster
Pebblessss · 14/05/2023 09:53

C1N1C · 14/05/2023 09:31

People will say you accuse others if you are guilty of it yourself... is it possible he hasn't been faithful?

Could he be on drugs like Cannabis? They can cause paranoia.

Definitely not victim-blaming, just trying to understand... has your behaviour changed significantly recently? I.e. if you never used to take that shower and do no... if you're using more makeup, if you have later nights at work?... things like that.

Just exploring all the possibilities :)

I have said this to him, when people accuse it’s because they are guilty of it themselves! I’m not sure about cannabis but he used to drink. Tbh he has done a lot behind my back and I’ve still stayed and been faithful to him! I know he still does things behind my back (not cheating). No nothing has changed im the same. I literately just took a shower coz i stank of cooking and all day my 2 year old kept saying i stink but why do i need to validate a basic human need it’s becoming too extreme now. I don’t go out, the only place i will go out WITH my child is to the supermarket and back and even then he suspects im cheating?! It’s insane, I haven’t done anything for him to even suspect anything of the sort. My child is literally glued to my hip and he will ask her does mummy go and see another man, wtf?! I want to leave i cant stand this anymore but at the same time i dont want to?

OP posts:
Original poster
Pebblessss · 14/05/2023 09:54

SaulSobieski · 14/05/2023 09:45

Guilty conscience/projection perhaps?

As others have said, does he use drugs or could he be?

Has this behaviour really only started 6 months ago after 9 and a half years of nothing?

yes literally out of nowhere this paranoia came out. I said to him yesterday he has changed I don’t like him like this he used to be different one in a million now he is the same as every other guy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pebblessss · 14/05/2023 10:02

we live at his mums and we are in the process of buying a new house but i dont know if im making a big mistake here. Will this continue once we move? If it will then i shouldn’t go ahead and should leave him? Or until he can fix himself?

OP posts:
SaulSobieski · 14/05/2023 10:02

Tbh he has done a lot behind my back and I’ve still stayed and been faithful to him!

I know he still does things behind my back (not cheating)

What does this refer to?

It sounds like his recent paranoia and accusations are not your only problem here.

This doesn't sound like a fair, healthy relationship for you.

Original poster
Pebblessss · 14/05/2023 10:11

SaulSobieski · 14/05/2023 10:02

Tbh he has done a lot behind my back and I’ve still stayed and been faithful to him!

I know he still does things behind my back (not cheating)

What does this refer to?

It sounds like his recent paranoia and accusations are not your only problem here.

This doesn't sound like a fair, healthy relationship for you.

It really isn’t a fair or healthy relationship anymore. It’s forbidden in our religion to drink so he used to come home after work drunk on occasions but would try and cover it. Hes been in 2 car crashes because of this! So i told him if he was to drink again then our marriage is over. He definitely has a problem there. He promises on our childs life he wont do it again but he does. He lies and i always catch him out ive been with him 10 years i know him better than himself!

OP posts:
Shivvy120 · 14/05/2023 10:12

where did this come from? Have you mentioned any new male friends recently? Could he have seen an innocent msg from a man and taken it the w

Soontobe60 · 14/05/2023 10:14

Bluebells1970 · 14/05/2023 09:34

I was also going to ask if he smokes weed ...

This isn't acceptable behaviour, whatever is causing it though. You can't live like that.

Do you equate smoking weed with controlling coercive behaviour? How very odd.

Shivvy120 · 14/05/2023 10:16

where did this come from? Have you mentioned any new male friends recently? Could he have seen an innocent msg from a man on ur phone and taken it the wrong way?are you out of the house for unexplained periods of time? Other than this, why the sudden references to cheating?

It sounds torturous because what can you do to prove it, lock yourself up in the house and throw away the key? I don’t know, it seems as tho he’s trying to cause fights.

im not trying to say he himself is cheating but … this is coming from somewhere.

For a grown man; sleeping on the floor for no good reason is wild! I understand how hard it would be to leave with everything that’s going on but you need to offer this man an ultimatum. He can’t be berating you all the time like this.

Original poster
Pebblessss · 14/05/2023 10:17

Shivvy120 · 14/05/2023 10:12

where did this come from? Have you mentioned any new male friends recently? Could he have seen an innocent msg from a man and taken it the w

No not at all, from the early stages having a male from was completely ruled out so I don’t know what has got into his head to think all this

OP posts:
Effieswig · 14/05/2023 10:19

My exh used to do this. I don’t have evidence of him cheating (he may have done) but I do know he was a liar.

His lying made him paranoid. He knew how easy he would lie and hide things, he became obsessed with the fact that if he did it, I was probably lying and hiding things too. It’s like he couldn’t comprehend he was a just a lying cunt and I wasn’t.

It’s also used a form of control. Every time you do something he doesn’t like, the accusations come out to try and stop you doing that thing again.

and if he is anything like exh, this will get worse and worse. He won’t ever believe he is wrong. He will just keep believing that you are so good at hiding it, he hasn’t found evidence.

My experience (my own and from other women who have experienced this) is that this is a form of abuse, doesn’t get better and will either end your marriage or leave you and your child entirely miserable and traumatised (if you decided to stay)

Original poster
Pebblessss · 14/05/2023 10:20

Shivvy120 · 14/05/2023 10:16

where did this come from? Have you mentioned any new male friends recently? Could he have seen an innocent msg from a man on ur phone and taken it the wrong way?are you out of the house for unexplained periods of time? Other than this, why the sudden references to cheating?

It sounds torturous because what can you do to prove it, lock yourself up in the house and throw away the key? I don’t know, it seems as tho he’s trying to cause fights.

im not trying to say he himself is cheating but … this is coming from somewhere.

For a grown man; sleeping on the floor for no good reason is wild! I understand how hard it would be to leave with everything that’s going on but you need to offer this man an ultimatum. He can’t be berating you all the time like this.

No not at all, from the early stages having a male from was completely ruled out so I don’t know what has got into his head to think all this. im literally home all the time as i work from home and the only “outing” is going to the supermarket!
i felt like packing my bags last night when he decide to have a hissyfit and sleep on the floor for no reason at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pebblessss · 14/05/2023 10:26

Effieswig · 14/05/2023 10:19

My exh used to do this. I don’t have evidence of him cheating (he may have done) but I do know he was a liar.

His lying made him paranoid. He knew how easy he would lie and hide things, he became obsessed with the fact that if he did it, I was probably lying and hiding things too. It’s like he couldn’t comprehend he was a just a lying cunt and I wasn’t.

It’s also used a form of control. Every time you do something he doesn’t like, the accusations come out to try and stop you doing that thing again.

and if he is anything like exh, this will get worse and worse. He won’t ever believe he is wrong. He will just keep believing that you are so good at hiding it, he hasn’t found evidence.

My experience (my own and from other women who have experienced this) is that this is a form of abuse, doesn’t get better and will either end your marriage or leave you and your child entirely miserable and traumatised (if you decided to stay)

Sorry to hear this happened to you.

This is literally me. He says im hiding things so well thats why he cant find a trace of anything YET! He has always been a liar. He knows i don’t lie and i can’t lie especially to him but to him lying is his second nature. I told him if there was someone else I wouldn’t be here putting up with all this! Ive told him millions of times there is noone else there has never been anyone else and i dont want anyone else but he still accuses me of cheating.

if you dont mind me asking how long were you with your exh and was there any children involved?

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 14/05/2023 10:31

Hi OP.
Are his parents supportive of you?
Or do they think their son can do no wrong?

Jitterybugs · 14/05/2023 10:32

This sounds like a very unhealthy relationship. When I was in my 20s I was engaged to someone who seemed like a lovely guy. We were planning our wedding. His behaviour changed very soon after the engagement. Questioning me about where I’d been, who I’d been talking to etc. If we were in mixed company I couldn’t relax as it got to the stage saying hello to another male resulted in interrogation and accusations. I broke up with him.

A couple years later I saw him in the local newspaper up in court for domestic violence charges. Then not long after that back in court and jailed for attempting to murder his wife. I had a lucky escape. OP please take the warning signs seriously and think carefully about your future and if you really want to commit to buying a house with him.

Chispazo · 14/05/2023 10:34

Interesting that you're about to buy a house together.

I would dump him before it gets to that point as you'll find it much harder to get free when you're locked in.

I would see his behaviour as a projection of his fears. He's also aware he's about to ''get locked in'' and I would guess he's wondering if he wants to be faithful going forward and instead of acknowledging that that is his doubt/question, he's projecting it on to you. It's probably not conscious but it is a sign you shouldn't buy a house together.

Original poster
Pebblessss · 14/05/2023 10:34

TheShellBeach · 14/05/2023 10:31

Hi OP.
Are his parents supportive of you?
Or do they think their son can do no wrong?

No his mother hates me. She makes up lies about me to brainwash him. She wants out marriage to break. She sprouted the doubts in his head come to think of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pebblessss · 14/05/2023 10:36

Chispazo · 14/05/2023 10:34

Interesting that you're about to buy a house together.

I would dump him before it gets to that point as you'll find it much harder to get free when you're locked in.

I would see his behaviour as a projection of his fears. He's also aware he's about to ''get locked in'' and I would guess he's wondering if he wants to be faithful going forward and instead of acknowledging that that is his doubt/question, he's projecting it on to you. It's probably not conscious but it is a sign you shouldn't buy a house together.

This is exactly what im thinking. The reason we are moving out is because we can’t live with his toxic mother but now our relationship isn’t go great and I’m worried if i make this move i will regret it

OP posts:
Jitterybugs · 14/05/2023 10:36

Pebblessss · 14/05/2023 10:02

we live at his mums and we are in the process of buying a new house but i dont know if im making a big mistake here. Will this continue once we move? If it will then i shouldn’t go ahead and should leave him? Or until he can fix himself?

Sadly he’s not likely to suddenly improve his behaviour once you move into your own house. I’d say it’s more likely it will be worse as you’ll be there without another adult to witness his controlling behaviour.

RandomMess · 14/05/2023 10:42

Oh it's his Mum driving this.

Consider moving out into rented by yourself and decide whether the marriage is salvageable