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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Paranoid husband accusing me of cheating

115 replies

Pebblessss · 14/05/2023 09:21

Been with my husband almost 10 years and recently for the past 6m he keeps accusing me of cheating and paranoid about everything. I have never cheated in my whole life! He is the only guy I’ve ever been with too! We have a 2 year old. I am not interested nor do i have time for that! I dont know how much more i can take or reassure him anymore it’s draining the life out of me. Yesterday i had a shower and went to sleep early. He accused me of cheating saying why did you shower again you shower yesterday? Are you serious I can’t take a shower i have to validate everything then he was in a mood and slept on the floor. WHAT DID I DO? I dont know what to do at this point im sick to death of all this.

OP posts:
JFDIYOLO · 14/05/2023 11:46

Protect your daughter. Your number one duty - and privilege.

And you can't do that unless you face facts and start to protect yourself.

You're at a crossroads.

You're in a relationship with an abusive coercive controller.

So is he - with his mother, and that won't change.

You're considering taking a huge step of getting your own home with him; which will pull you deeper in.

Your daughter is being presented with the lie that a husband/father drinks, uses drugs, gets up to who knows what himself, is his own mother's flying monkey, accuses you of infidelity and tries to drag his own child into the paranoia.

The fact you're reaching out to ask us suggests you know all this is true.

There may be something wrong - a brain condition, a mental health issue - but you're not his repair kit.

Time to ask yourself - is this the future, the model of marriage, parenthood and men I want my daughter absorbing and believing?

You need practical help and Women's Aid offer just that.

Stop saying 'I can't' and start saying 'I will - OK, now how am I going to start?'

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/womens-aid-directory/

Women's Aid Directory - Women’s Aid

If you're in an abusive relationship, find local help in your area. Use our online directory is available to find the right support for you.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/womens-aid-directory

monsteramunch · 14/05/2023 11:51

Everything is telling me to leave him but i don’t know if i can

Not even for your daughters sake?

Not even knowing that staying with him means she's going to learn this dynamic is normal and likely replicate it herself in her adult relationships, which would make her unhappy and anxious like you are now?

Perpetuallyexhaustedtoddlermum · 14/05/2023 12:25

Please leave him. I was in denial about the abuse from my now ex partner until about 6 weeks ago. They are so good at making you feel like you're the problem but you actually aren't.
The toxic situation with his mother is bad too and there's probably some sort of enmesh meant in the sense that mummy can't let go of her baby boy even though he's a grown man.
Ask me how I know 😫
Under the new domestic abuse legislation, your daughter is also a victim of abuse by witnessing it and he's involving her in abusing you as well.
Never ever buy a house with him because he's already told you what he's going to do, he plans on living there for free while you fret over everything.
Every accusation and threat is actually a hidden confession of what they've done or what they want to do.

IDontWantToBeAPie · 14/05/2023 12:48

OP if you're South Asian then The Sharan Project may be someone you could speak to about it.

They're a charity for vulnerable South Asian women in the UK and can discuss things like housing, abuse etc with your culture in mind.

Neopolitan · 14/05/2023 15:23

Pebblessss · 14/05/2023 11:26

This is the norm in our culture unfortunately! Also she is alone bit her toxic behaviour has pushed us to this point

Show quote history

It doesn't have to be. Some parts of some cultures need to die out. Living with your husband's mother as newly weds is a recipe for disaster in anyone's language, especially if she doesn't like you. Standing on your own two feet and being responsible is most important.

Honestly, he is a cheating bastard, because his obsession with you cheating is him protesting too much.

OR, if he's not cheating on you (and I'd bet my entire house and 5 years salary on him being the cheater), he chooses to side with your mil, and not his wife and mother of his child. When a man marries, he leaves his family and his wife (and future children) beomes his family. He doesn't seem to understand that part. He still considers his mum family first and foremost before you.

Tell him you believe he is the cheater and that if he accuses you one more time, you will file for divorce. Tell him 'one....more....time', and it's over. And mean it. Personally I'd get the f out of that clowncar house/relationship today. It all sounds like a joke and he sounds like a real bastard and pos. You'd be better off and much more mentally healthier on your own.

Original poster
Pebblessss · 14/05/2023 16:51

Neopolitan · 14/05/2023 15:23

It doesn't have to be. Some parts of some cultures need to die out. Living with your husband's mother as newly weds is a recipe for disaster in anyone's language, especially if she doesn't like you. Standing on your own two feet and being responsible is most important.

Honestly, he is a cheating bastard, because his obsession with you cheating is him protesting too much.

OR, if he's not cheating on you (and I'd bet my entire house and 5 years salary on him being the cheater), he chooses to side with your mil, and not his wife and mother of his child. When a man marries, he leaves his family and his wife (and future children) beomes his family. He doesn't seem to understand that part. He still considers his mum family first and foremost before you.

Tell him you believe he is the cheater and that if he accuses you one more time, you will file for divorce. Tell him 'one....more....time', and it's over. And mean it. Personally I'd get the f out of that clowncar house/relationship today. It all sounds like a joke and he sounds like a real bastard and pos. You'd be better off and much more mentally healthier on your own.

Show quote history

I have packed my bags and sobbed to my mum on phone infront of him telling her I’m coming home and never going back. Now hes saying hes sorry he’s realised he can trust me after all this its made him realise im not a cheat? Damage is done

OP posts:
Original poster
Pebblessss · 14/05/2023 16:52

Neopolitan · 14/05/2023 15:23

It doesn't have to be. Some parts of some cultures need to die out. Living with your husband's mother as newly weds is a recipe for disaster in anyone's language, especially if she doesn't like you. Standing on your own two feet and being responsible is most important.

Honestly, he is a cheating bastard, because his obsession with you cheating is him protesting too much.

OR, if he's not cheating on you (and I'd bet my entire house and 5 years salary on him being the cheater), he chooses to side with your mil, and not his wife and mother of his child. When a man marries, he leaves his family and his wife (and future children) beomes his family. He doesn't seem to understand that part. He still considers his mum family first and foremost before you.

Tell him you believe he is the cheater and that if he accuses you one more time, you will file for divorce. Tell him 'one....more....time', and it's over. And mean it. Personally I'd get the f out of that clowncar house/relationship today. It all sounds like a joke and he sounds like a real bastard and pos. You'd be better off and much more mentally healthier on your own.

Show quote history

You’re right his argument is always “shes my mum she comes first who are you you came into my life for a short amount of time thats my mum” im your wife we have a child!

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 14/05/2023 16:58

@Pebblessss is he (or both of you) from another cultural background because it smacks a bit of the 'keep the woman' under control and feeling second rate' that seems to underpin some relationships from certain cultures.
I appreciate not all relationships are like this but the 'cheating' accusations seem very common in those situations -

Crikeyalmighty · 14/05/2023 17:00

@Pebblessss ah-I was writing when I saw your answer to someone else. I'm sorry it seems to be common in certain situations to be constantly accusing women of cheating- Personally I think did that for a game of soldiers- but I don't know your position - if you can go to your mothers- I would do so-

Cherry85 · 14/05/2023 17:25

Mate.... read this back...

You only leave the house to go to the supermarket

He is asking your kid if you see other men

Both if these are huge red flags!!!!!! Get out from there now

billy1966 · 14/05/2023 17:32

Get out.

Go home.

Do not become financially entwined with him.

You will be very stuck and it vould take years to get unstuck.

He is highly abusive and a serious drinker.

Go home to your mother and get your daughter to safety.

TheShellBeach · 14/05/2023 17:35

billy1966 · 14/05/2023 17:32

Get out.

Go home.

Do not become financially entwined with him.

You will be very stuck and it vould take years to get unstuck.

He is highly abusive and a serious drinker.

Go home to your mother and get your daughter to safety.

All this, OP.

Hairyfairy01 · 14/05/2023 19:56

Crikey, this relationship is no where near normal. What would you say to your daughter if she found herself in this type of relationship? Are you happy?

Don't buy a house, contact womens aid, get you and your dd out of that toxic environment asap.

Original poster
Pebblessss · 14/05/2023 22:42

We are at my mums safe and sound.

Thank you everyone that messaged and made me realise what kind of toxic mess i was in. This is for my daughter

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 14/05/2023 22:52

Pebblessss · 14/05/2023 22:42

We are at my mums safe and sound.

Thank you everyone that messaged and made me realise what kind of toxic mess i was in. This is for my daughter

Great news, OP.
Well done!

monsteramunch · 14/05/2023 23:07

Pebblessss · 14/05/2023 22:42

We are at my mums safe and sound.

Thank you everyone that messaged and made me realise what kind of toxic mess i was in. This is for my daughter

You should be so proud of yourself OP!

Stay strong and do not be fooled into going back to him by promises of him changing, or guilt tripping of him threatening to hurt himself.

Stay strong for your daughter. Show her what an independent and strong woman looks like.

Perpetuallyexhaustedtoddlermum · 14/05/2023 23:09

Pebblessss · 14/05/2023 22:42

We are at my mums safe and sound.

Thank you everyone that messaged and made me realise what kind of toxic mess i was in. This is for my daughter

Well done. I'm so happy for you and your daughter.

Alcemeg · 15/05/2023 00:12

Pebblessss · 14/05/2023 22:42

We are at my mums safe and sound.

Thank you everyone that messaged and made me realise what kind of toxic mess i was in. This is for my daughter

Congratulations OP and well done. Not an easy move, but absolutely the right thing to do. Good luck, things will get better in time. X

billy1966 · 15/05/2023 00:34

Pebblessss · 14/05/2023 22:42

We are at my mums safe and sound.

Thank you everyone that messaged and made me realise what kind of toxic mess i was in. This is for my daughter

Well done for listening to your gut and being so brave.

You have done the right thing.

Buying a house with him would have been a complete disaster.

Stay safe with your mum and daughter.

suburbophobe · 15/05/2023 00:43

Could he be on drugs like Cannabis? They can cause paranoia.

Millions of people around the world smoke cannabis without it causing paranoia.

OP, I'm so sorry you are going through this. It happened to me, I had to leave to save my own sanity and protect my child for both of us.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/05/2023 00:51

Pebblessss · 14/05/2023 22:42

We are at my mums safe and sound.

Thank you everyone that messaged and made me realise what kind of toxic mess i was in. This is for my daughter

Well done, op, and it's high time. Please, don't EVER go back. His abuse will only get worse. Like you said, this is for your daughter. Don't ever put her back into that toxic disaster. You are going to be just fine.

LadyJ2023 · 15/05/2023 03:40

Can't understand women that have children with men like this

dontknowwhatswrong · 15/05/2023 07:31

My ex husband started accusing me but making sly comments and I had no idea where the cheating accusations come from because i wasn't I had three small children, I went to work so I had no time turns out he was in fact sleeping with another woman so he was accusing me so he felt better about him self to carry on with the OW, ask him why is he thinking your cheating ?

TheShellBeach · 15/05/2023 08:23

LadyJ2023 · 15/05/2023 03:40

Can't understand women that have children with men like this

Unhelpful.
She has left him anyway.

Jitterybugs · 15/05/2023 08:28

Well done for mustering up the courage to do what’s right for you and your little girl Pebblessss . Stay strong when he starts the inevitable attempt at manipulation to get you back. You are in control now. Of course it’s going to be an emotional and upsetting time for you while the dust settles. But you’ve found courage you didn’t know you had and by doing so are showing your daughter women shouldn’t remain in an abusive relationship. I hope everything goes well for you 💐