Paranoid husband accusing me of cheating

[Pebblessss]

Been with my husband almost 10 years and recently for the past 6m he keeps accusing me of cheating and paranoid about everything. I have never cheated in my whole life! He is the only guy I’ve ever been with too! We have a 2 year old. I am not interested nor do i have time for that! I dont know how much more i can take or reassure him anymore it’s draining the life out of me. Yesterday i had a shower and went to sleep early. He accused me of cheating saying why did you shower again you shower yesterday? Are you serious I can’t take a shower i have to validate everything then he was in a mood and slept on the floor. WHAT DID I DO? I dont know what to do at this point im sick to death of all this.

Good on you. Leave him to stew in his paranoia and negativity with his mum!

He was never like this before he was perfect but over the past months he’s changed, I couldn’t take it anymore and realised this is not the norm and i have put an end to this.

Yes exactly this.
Now he has realised “how much he needs me and i am the best thing in his life and without me he is nothing” and how sorry he is. 🙄

OP,

How quickly he realised🙄twat.

Far more likely is that he realises the house plans are gone and he is staying with mum.

He didn't expect you to leave.

He thought he could abuse you and you would accept it indefinitely.

Whatever is going on with him, he is NOT to be trusted with your future.

No one realises this quickly that they need someone after treating them like shit for months.

It's fear that is speaking.

Stay with your mother.

He has been abusive and you have left him because of his abusive behaviour.

Have your narrative clear.

He is an abuser and you are not going to allow him to destroy your childs life by witnessing him abuse YOU.

Stay strong.
Well done.

Absolutely all of this, OP.
My abusive ex did all he could to persuade me he'd change if I came back.
I didn't give him the satisfaction.
He would have promised me anything but he wouldn't have stuck to it.

Stay at your mum's house.

Keep your daughter safe. And yourself.

Well done!
That took enormous courage and reserves of strength. So glad you're safe in a sane space with someone who supports you.

He's just crashed into phase 1 of the coercive controller's attempt to seize back control - the Mr Nicey Nicey mask is on. Tears, apologies, I'll do better, I'll change, presents, romance, promises … all designed to reel you back in to where he feels you belong; under his eye. Under his control. You'll be bombarded with it, love-bombed, and if you give in to the attempt, and take your child back to this toxic mess, the Nicey phase will not last. The mask will slip and it will all begin again, because that is his true personality. It took a while to emerge - but luckily it did before you bought the house.

Stay strong - you'll need support from mum, friends, women's aid and us, because when phase 1 fails (as it hopefully will because you're seeing through it), he'll go into phase 2 - Mr Nasty. The threats. To self-harm, take your child, harm you, harm your child. It's a well known Script, a programme they cycle through when they realise the one thing they want - to regain control over what they perceive to be their property (you and your child) - hasn't succeeded.

Also look out for the undermining, the 'you're crazy' message - gaslighting you, trying to make you believe you're in the wrong, and trying to manipulate family and friends 'she's crazy, see what I had to put up with?'. All part of the Script.

The more you're aware of it - thinking oh yes, he's switched to that tactic now - the stronger and less confused you'll feel.

Love to you, your child and your mum.

You are clearly a lovely lady and you deserve better than this subservient situation with someone else's mum forever on the scene . I'm very glad you have taken steps to move on

Great answer.
This is all true, OP.

Thank you so much everyone its much appreciated! Xx

Yes he was quick to say we are still moving. No chance. He thought he could treat me how he wants and i have to take it because “I’m taking him away from his toxic mother”. Now he knows i don’t give a shit i would rather have nothing than be treated like that!

Thank you i feel so much as ease and peace here. It is definitely going like that script! Queue phase 2 🫤

Well done. Please stand strong though. He is going to tell you everything you've wanted to hear since this all started. He doesn't mean it though and if you do go back it will be so much harder to leave again. Honestly, he won't change. Do not go back.

Now he knows i don’t give a shit i would rather have nothing than be treated like that!

Massive respect OP

Well done! Just please be careful, it's not clear from your posts how much of this was true paranoia on his side, and how much was just plain old manipulation from him or his mum. There's something called pathological jealousy-where someone is absolutely convinced that they are being cheated on, despite no 'evidence', it's a mental illness, and is not rational, you can't argue with them, and often goes along with drug and alcohol use. But there is a real risk to their partners. Leaving can be a dangerous time as they can see it as the proof that they were right all along.

He's a lying, drunk driving (could have killed someone, twice), crazy arshole who has a family who hates you.

Get out. Fast. Run!
And no, his mother is not the problem. He is.
You aren't married to his mum.

He is trying to drive you crazy so he can control you. He might also be cheating himself.
Either way this shit only gets worse.
Do not buy a place with him.
Get out on your own with your kid and never look back.

All of these.

my guess is he is deflecting and cheating himself

Ah you, so glad you got out. Good on you! Never go back. I'm sure another woman will appear in a few months seemingly out of the blue. But then he'll be her problem.

I’ve always said his mother has mental issues maybe bipolar. I’ve read into pathological jealousy and it seems to fit what is happening right nw. maybe he has mental issues inherited by his mother and its all coming to surface now, I don’t know or maybe he is just horrible now

It really doesn't matter if the cause is him, his mother, mental illness, drink, drugs or a combination.

What matters is the effect on you and your child.

You did totally the right thing by removing both of you from that situation. Never go back. You have done the right thing for her and for you.

Whatever the truth is about him and his awful family, you do not want your precious child's life destroyed from being raised in that environment.

Expect Mr. Nasty to get very very ugly.

I would think you need to log his abuse of you with your GP and that you had to flee the house with your child.

You need his abuse logged.

You need your fear for your life logged.

Take careful note, and record if possible any phone calls.

Let him threaten and rant.

Your life would be a torment if you bought a house with him.

Better sharing one room with a baby ANY DAY.

Stay strong.

Don't waver, OP.
Even if there is mental illness in the family it doesn't change things, really.
Stay strong and keep your daughter and yourself safe, away from toxic influences.
You've done so well to get away.

It’s time to leave. He is asking your child if you are cheating?! That would be the end of the marriage for me

She left two days ago.

Well done @Pebblessss for taking yourself and your daughter out of such a negative, and potentially dangerous, situation. You must feel mentally much lighter at your own mum's home.

I'm sure you will have already done this but, if not, do separate your finances out immediately. Eg: ensure you take out at least 50% of whatever is in a joint bank account if you have one and transfer it into your own personal account (preferably one which is not in the same banking group) with your own new login and unique, hard to guess the password. Do the same with any savings. Tell your employer your new banking details so they can pay your salary into your new, sole account. Don't wait for him to get into what a PP called phase 2.

Change the password to any social media or shopping or subscription accounts eg Amazon, Supermarket or Netflix) to ensure he doesn't wreak financial havoc there and/or lock you out of your own accounts. Also turn off location on your smartphone. Sure he'll know you've gone to your mum's but you don't want him tracking you anywhere else. Also check he can't track your phone if you have that switched on.

Also redirect any post - you can do that online on the Post Office website. There's a charge for this and I think it takes about seven days to start working.

If you ever doubt you've done the right thing, or people try and pressure you to return to him, just reread your thread and remember you're doing this for your daughter too. Good luck for a better future. 🌹

One more thing@Pebblessss - don't answer the phone, communicate by WhatsApp where possible and make sure back up is turned on. That way you have everything in writing and dated if you need it.

I also set up myself as a contact in my phone and sent myself messages detailing any verbal interaction as its time stamped and dated and backed up.
My ex took my phone from me in a fight but I had it backed up so was in a good position.