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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Paranoid husband accusing me of cheating

115 replies

Pebblessss · 14/05/2023 09:21

Been with my husband almost 10 years and recently for the past 6m he keeps accusing me of cheating and paranoid about everything. I have never cheated in my whole life! He is the only guy I’ve ever been with too! We have a 2 year old. I am not interested nor do i have time for that! I dont know how much more i can take or reassure him anymore it’s draining the life out of me. Yesterday i had a shower and went to sleep early. He accused me of cheating saying why did you shower again you shower yesterday? Are you serious I can’t take a shower i have to validate everything then he was in a mood and slept on the floor. WHAT DID I DO? I dont know what to do at this point im sick to death of all this.

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 14/05/2023 10:43

His mum hates you and makes that clear, he lies to you, he has a history of drink driving, he is controlling about who you are 'allowed' to be friends with, he believes you are cheating on him, he calls you a liar and cheat, and now he's involving your child:

My child is literally glued to my hip and he will ask her does mummy go and see another man, wtf?!

To stay with him would be to let your daughter down. She deserves better than growing up watching her mum being accused by, controlled by and abused by her dad. And despised by her grandma.

If you stay with him, she will believe this is what a relationship is supposed to look like and likely replicate it herself as an adult.

Surely you can't bear the thought of that?

Effieswig · 14/05/2023 10:47

Pebblessss · 14/05/2023 10:26

Sorry to hear this happened to you.

This is literally me. He says im hiding things so well thats why he cant find a trace of anything YET! He has always been a liar. He knows i don’t lie and i can’t lie especially to him but to him lying is his second nature. I told him if there was someone else I wouldn’t be here putting up with all this! Ive told him millions of times there is noone else there has never been anyone else and i dont want anyone else but he still accuses me of cheating.

if you dont mind me asking how long were you with your exh and was there any children involved?

Show quote history

I was married 15 years. 2 kids. One 5 one 12 at the time.

It escalated to the point we had to flee the house.

He did continue the abuse after I left. However i ‘grey rocked’ all attempts. Never saw him without witnesses. He followed me a few times. I stopped the car and took photos of him for evidence. When he clocked I was going to make sure I had evidence of his abuse he stopped. He was left with the only option of abusing me through text, phone call or email. All which I could not record or keep.

The kids are much older now. Neither speak to him very much now.

Frogger8395 · 14/05/2023 10:47

It’s not paranoia, it’s abuse. He’s emotionally abusing you. He’s emotionally abusing your daughter by asking her questions like that.

Lying is emotionally abusive and so is unfounded allegations. Men don’t stick around when they think they’re being cheated on. Don’t buy a house with him, this will get a lot worse.

TheShellBeach · 14/05/2023 10:47

For your own sake and that of your daughter you need to separate and divorce.
This is very unhealthy.
How often does he hit you, shove you or push you physically?

Effieswig · 14/05/2023 10:48

And for gods sake, if he is questioning your daughter do not buy a house with him. Leave him before that.

He is involving her in the abuse of you.

Original poster
Pebblessss · 14/05/2023 10:48

Jitterybugs · 14/05/2023 10:36

Sadly he’s not likely to suddenly improve his behaviour once you move into your own house. I’d say it’s more likely it will be worse as you’ll be there without another adult to witness his controlling behaviour.

Show quote history

This is what I’m scared about. In every argument he used to say “F the house I’m not going to pay for anything” etc, so one day i told him if he carries on like this and it will continue when we move then lets end it right here right now im not dragging this into a new home we can call it quits. From that day he has never say anything like that again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pebblessss · 14/05/2023 10:53

monsteramunch · 14/05/2023 10:43

His mum hates you and makes that clear, he lies to you, he has a history of drink driving, he is controlling about who you are 'allowed' to be friends with, he believes you are cheating on him, he calls you a liar and cheat, and now he's involving your child:

My child is literally glued to my hip and he will ask her does mummy go and see another man, wtf?!

To stay with him would be to let your daughter down. She deserves better than growing up watching her mum being accused by, controlled by and abused by her dad. And despised by her grandma.

If you stay with him, she will believe this is what a relationship is supposed to look like and likely replicate it herself as an adult.

Surely you can't bear the thought of that?

Everything is telling me to leave him but i don’t know if i can

OP posts:
Original poster
Pebblessss · 14/05/2023 10:54

TheShellBeach · 14/05/2023 10:47

For your own sake and that of your daughter you need to separate and divorce.
This is very unhealthy.
How often does he hit you, shove you or push you physically?

That’s one thing he’s never done. Never raised his hands to me

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 14/05/2023 10:58

You have got to get your daughter out of this toxic nightmare. Being raised in this environment is going to ruin her life.

Get out of that house, get to a solicitor, and end this sham of a marriage.

TheShellBeach · 14/05/2023 10:58

Pebblessss · 14/05/2023 10:54

That’s one thing he’s never done. Never raised his hands to me

Show quote history

It sounds like all his abuse is financial, tied in with paranoid accusations of your non-existent infidelity.
I truly think you'd be better off divorced.
Has he got any redeeming features?
Was this an arranged marriage and were you happy at the start?

Alcemeg · 14/05/2023 11:00

Coercive control is illegal and he is well on his way to enjoying cracking that whip daily. Please don't buy a house with him.

TheShellBeach · 14/05/2023 11:00

It isn't a positive relationship for your daughter to witness.
If she was an adult and in a similar marriage, what would your advice be to her?

PaigeMatthews · 14/05/2023 11:01

Whatever his reasons, asking a child that is unacceptable. He is being a dick.

decide whether you want this life now before having any more children.

PaigeMatthews · 14/05/2023 11:02

Pebblessss · 14/05/2023 10:54

That’s one thing he’s never done. Never raised his hands to me

Show quote history

The fact you think not being violent is so positive is very worrying. It should be a given.

Jitterybugs · 14/05/2023 11:06

Pebblessss · 14/05/2023 10:54

That’s one thing he’s never done. Never raised his hands to me

Show quote history

My ex fiancé I mentioned upthread never lifted a hand to me during his outbursts of irrational jealousy and controlling behaviour. But I sensed that if I stayed with him that’s where it would escalate. He went on to marry someone else and continued his behaviour till it culminated in attempting to murder his wife after a string of physical assaults.

You are in an abusive relationship. For your sake and also your poor little daughter who will grow up thinking his behaviour is normal please don’t ignore the red flags that are staring you in the face.
🚩🚩🚩

Effieswig · 14/05/2023 11:08

Pebblessss · 14/05/2023 10:53

Everything is telling me to leave him but i don’t know if i can

Show quote history

Why can’t you?

it feels like you can’t. But you can. So you need to work out exactly why you think you can’t.

Effieswig · 14/05/2023 11:09

And also you can’t stay. He is also abusing your child: I would start documenting everything and works with an organisation like womens aid

Original poster
Pebblessss · 14/05/2023 11:17

TheShellBeach · 14/05/2023 10:58

It sounds like all his abuse is financial, tied in with paranoid accusations of your non-existent infidelity.
I truly think you'd be better off divorced.
Has he got any redeeming features?
Was this an arranged marriage and were you happy at the start?

Show quote history

We met at uni and everything was so good, we got married 6 years in. Problems started happening with his mother, so toxic so we decided we will move out now. But now things aren’t great with him either. Hes turning out just like her

OP posts:
Original poster
Pebblessss · 14/05/2023 11:18

PaigeMatthews · 14/05/2023 11:02

The fact you think not being violent is so positive is very worrying. It should be a given.

Show quote history

This is very true!!

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 14/05/2023 11:21

Why do you live with his mother?

Original poster
Pebblessss · 14/05/2023 11:26

TheShellBeach · 14/05/2023 11:21

Why do you live with his mother?

This is the norm in our culture unfortunately! Also she is alone bit her toxic behaviour has pushed us to this point

OP posts:
Original poster
Pebblessss · 14/05/2023 11:27

Jitterybugs · 14/05/2023 11:06

My ex fiancé I mentioned upthread never lifted a hand to me during his outbursts of irrational jealousy and controlling behaviour. But I sensed that if I stayed with him that’s where it would escalate. He went on to marry someone else and continued his behaviour till it culminated in attempting to murder his wife after a string of physical assaults.

You are in an abusive relationship. For your sake and also your poor little daughter who will grow up thinking his behaviour is normal please don’t ignore the red flags that are staring you in the face.
🚩🚩🚩

Show quote history

Im glad you got out when you did!
ah i know, so many red flags in plain sight!!

OP posts:
philautia · 14/05/2023 11:32

You are in an extremely abusive relationship, this won't stop and will escalate. For heavens sake, do not buy a house with him, call Women's Aid.

PeaceLilyCactus · 14/05/2023 11:37

I’ve been there. I went shopping one day (for two hours which was a luxury to me, getting two hours to myself without the children for a change) and when I came back he demanded to know ‘where I’d really been’ and said someone had contacted him saying they’d seen my car elsewhere (he was lying to try and trick me). He lied and lied, and repeatedly accused me of cheating when he was the one sending dick pics to young women he worked with etc. It got worse and worse, and his mother enabled his bad behaviour too. Get out now. It will not get better and you don’t want your children to accept this as their normal. Best thing I ever did was leave him despite it being an incredibly difficult time in my life.

TheShellBeach · 14/05/2023 11:37

There must be advice available in your culture for abused women.
Well, I assume there is.
Leaving men like this is never easy but it's possible.
Just think how calm your life would be without him and his mother in it every day.
I'd go mad!

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