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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Married men in 40s/50s ..I despair!

139 replies

gunnipl · 13/05/2023 14:09

I dont go out much anymore but went out for dinner and drinks last night.
Perhaps I am innocent and the landscape has changed but the pub I went to is our local of sorts.
I live in a big town in Ireland , a town that's known for tourists and holidaymakers . A foodie type place.
Anyway, the pub was filled with married men on golf trips, stags and weekend get aways.
I am a very average woman of 48 and was hot in by at least ten men.
All of them married, all but two wearing weddings rings , all admitted to be married .
I am genuinely shocked by this . Am I completely naive ?
I'd like to meet a man and on line dating doesn't seem to be for me so I feel utterly hopeless this afternoon.

OP posts:
Bowbowbo · 13/05/2023 14:20

I agree it's pretty depressing but I'm not at all surprised sadly. I'm deeply suspicious of 'boys' trips. The sort of man who will not behave like this is also the sort of man who turns down these trips.

Original poster
gunnipl · 13/05/2023 14:24

They were behaving so 'desperately' trying anyone and everyone who'd give them the time of day . It's a really lovely local pub that I've gone to for years b but not recently and since the town has becomes really popular , this has become a thing it seems .
Do these mens wives have any idea ? I have to wonder sometimes .

OP posts:
IsThereAnEchoInHere · 13/05/2023 14:27

Ugh, I’m sorry that happened.
So many cheaters…. 😩

Was it like a small place, did they see other men hitting on you and then they just wanted to give it ago one after other?
I don’t mean to sound strange, it’s just that this brought to mind a man who once came over to our table and went through us one by one, trying his luck.
It was strange.

IsThereAnEchoInHere · 13/05/2023 14:27

What did they say?
Just old, used up pick-up lines?

Over40Overdating · 13/05/2023 14:33

It’s pretty common in real life and online sadly - they like to see themselves as still having it and at the slightest mention of a wife will very happily tell you how dull and boring their wives are and how they are still full of life and not going to feel guilty for living it.

I think until you’ve seen it, either on apps or in pubs like this, you wouldn’t actually believe how many coupled men in this age bracket are at it.

Original poster
gunnipl · 13/05/2023 14:46

Started with ' Hi Girls ..'
Usual shite ... didn't deny being married.
They were just shit quality .

OP posts:
Original poster
gunnipl · 13/05/2023 14:47

Loved the Co parenting line ...
Yes we coparent well
Yes we still live together
No we dont share a bedroom ..
Long takes of these weekends away and when I asked when they get to do this coparenting gig, they simply smiled .
Ick city

OP posts:
MrTiddlesTheCat · 13/05/2023 14:53

Bowbowbo · 13/05/2023 14:20

I agree it's pretty depressing but I'm not at all surprised sadly. I'm deeply suspicious of 'boys' trips. The sort of man who will not behave like this is also the sort of man who turns down these trips.

My thoughts exactly. None of the decent men I know would go on these trips.

GreyCarpet · 13/05/2023 20:32

There are so many women who post on here who speak ever s confidently about their husband's going away for regular holidays with their friends while she goes with hers.

I always wonder of they realise that this is how men behave when they're away.

5128gap · 13/05/2023 20:47

gunnipl · 13/05/2023 14:24

They were behaving so 'desperately' trying anyone and everyone who'd give them the time of day . It's a really lovely local pub that I've gone to for years b but not recently and since the town has becomes really popular , this has become a thing it seems .
Do these mens wives have any idea ? I have to wonder sometimes .

Their wives will confidently be saying 'Not my Nigel' as we speak. Because no one's husband ever does this. I can therefore only conclude OP that these men were lying about being married, and were actually single.

summerfinn · 13/05/2023 20:51

If my partner and father to my children wanted to go on weekend boys trips away I'd tell him not to come back. He doesn't drink or go out at night time anymore anyways neither do I . That's disgusting behaviour. I don't get it at all. Why bother being married. Pigs

summerfinn · 13/05/2023 20:52

GreyCarpet · 13/05/2023 20:32

There are so many women who post on here who speak ever s confidently about their husband's going away for regular holidays with their friends while she goes with hers.

I always wonder of they realise that this is how men behave when they're away.

Exactly

UnnamedPoster · 13/05/2023 21:17

Wow, there is so much generalising and man-bashing going on here.
You'd seriously leave your husband for wanting a weekend away with friends??!

Of course some men are dicks. I can 100% believe that my ex husband was a twat when he went away. Because he was a twat in other ways.
My husband who is right now away with his friends in Spain? 100% not trying to get his end away.

Please don't write the entire male sex off.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 13/05/2023 21:31

Have had 2 male friends who I have known for years suddenly ask to have an affair. I have never flirted with them. Seems like a certain kind of guy just thinks it is worth a shot who ever you are. Its so gross and makes me despair of men.

5128gap · 13/05/2023 21:34

UnnamedPoster · 13/05/2023 21:17

Wow, there is so much generalising and man-bashing going on here.
You'd seriously leave your husband for wanting a weekend away with friends??!

Of course some men are dicks. I can 100% believe that my ex husband was a twat when he went away. Because he was a twat in other ways.
My husband who is right now away with his friends in Spain? 100% not trying to get his end away.

Please don't write the entire male sex off.

Do you think all the wives of the men in that bar also know they're twats? But are somehow OK with it? No one is writing off the entire male sex. This is a thread about the high numbers of married men aged 40/50s who hit on other women, and the fact that so many of their wives are likely to be oblivious. No more, no less.

Greycloudlooming · 13/05/2023 21:41

Bowbowbo · 13/05/2023 14:20

I agree it's pretty depressing but I'm not at all surprised sadly. I'm deeply suspicious of 'boys' trips. The sort of man who will not behave like this is also the sort of man who turns down these trips.

I agree.
There’s a group of husbands from my hometown who regularly go away. All their wives are amazing and beautiful women. All have no idea their husbands go away to cheat with anyone or anything. All the husbands seem the sort who wouldn’t do this and these trips are always “hobby” trips. All return home with innocent pictures of their trip, playing golf or fishing or whatever - and radio silence of their cheating behaviour. Unless you knew, you’d have no idea about this group of men who just appear so wholesome and innocent. All have each others backs.

Obviously there are some men who do go away on these boy trips who won’t cheat, but the numbers of those men are likely SO much lower than we would believe. I used to work as a dancer many years ago, I know a strip club isn’t the environment to accurately judge male behaviour, but we’d get stag dos come in. 95% of males who ever walked over the threshold of the club were predatory and thirsty for women.

Even the “good” married men. Yuk, even working in a supermarket as a young teenager (14/15), I remember men coming in being suggestive and creepy. Friend’s dads who would explicitly ask for sexual things knowing I was underage and the same age as their daughters. Catcallers, usually older married men whose wives would say their husband is a good one.

I don’t paint all men with the same brush and there are some fully decent men around. I’m married to one. But the majority of men seem to be sex crazed animals while excusing their perverted behaviour as something natural; biological or animalistic instincts. It’s just sad but seems to have been going on for generations and generations and has become almost normalised.

MaxTalk · 13/05/2023 22:20

As a man, I have some good mates who admit to me they do it. You would never guess as they are highly successful in their careers, love their wives and kids etc.

The sort of man who many women would no doubt love to have as a husband...

gettingoldisshit · 13/05/2023 22:23

I hate to say it but I think the vast majority of men behave like this given the chance! I think the decent faithful ones are most definitely in the minority.

Daffodilwoman · 13/05/2023 22:35

I agree op.
Dh has worked with several men who have cheated on their wives whilst away with work. One man saved up hundreds of pounds to pay a prostitute to spend the night with him. His wife has no idea.
I think cheating us very common.

MaxTalk · 14/05/2023 07:25

Yep very common. Of course, lots of women are married to the 0.001% of men who wouldn't... :)

Quirrelsotherface · 14/05/2023 07:52

I don’t paint all men with the same brush and there are some fully decent men around. I’m married to one. But the majority of men seem to be sex crazed animals while excusing their perverted behaviour as something natural

this is laughable. Your man is perfect though yeah 😂

Bartg · 14/05/2023 08:04

Why do they leave wedding rings on? Seems a bit odd it would be easier to take them off surely? Just pondering …..

C1N1C · 14/05/2023 08:16

Act all bantery and fun. Take a group picture. Get chatting and find out something identifiable. ID the guys from LinkedIn or FB. Let wives know :)

daretodenim · 14/05/2023 08:19

I was always - ALWAYS - hit on by these guys when I was late teens to early twenties (I then stopped going to bars and clubs). I lived in a city that lots of middle-aged people came to party in. I wasn't flattered, they were too old and desperate. I got really, really fed up (in part because they were always insistent, while I never was out "on the pull").

I started I playing along (gently, not full on) until they offered to buy me a drink and then I'd accept and order an expensive one directly to the bartender. And then I'd get it, thank them, smile, point to the wedding ring and tell them as they're married, they shouldn't say anything to me they wouldn't say if their wife was standing with us. Usually they fucked off within 60 seconds. Some were angrier than others, but I didn't care, I really believed in marriage (in a rom com sort of way 😂) and was disgusted.

The number of these men though were shocking. It was every weekend, different groups and different bars/clubs.

daretodenim · 14/05/2023 08:21

*I started to do the drink-ring thing once I got really pissed off one day. It took a while to notice the pattern...