Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Married men in 40s/50s ..I despair!

139 replies

gunnipl · 13/05/2023 14:09

I dont go out much anymore but went out for dinner and drinks last night.
Perhaps I am innocent and the landscape has changed but the pub I went to is our local of sorts.
I live in a big town in Ireland , a town that's known for tourists and holidaymakers . A foodie type place.
Anyway, the pub was filled with married men on golf trips, stags and weekend get aways.
I am a very average woman of 48 and was hot in by at least ten men.
All of them married, all but two wearing weddings rings , all admitted to be married .
I am genuinely shocked by this . Am I completely naive ?
I'd like to meet a man and on line dating doesn't seem to be for me so I feel utterly hopeless this afternoon.

OP posts:
SaulSobieski · 14/05/2023 08:23

C1N1C · 14/05/2023 08:16

Act all bantery and fun. Take a group picture. Get chatting and find out something identifiable. ID the guys from LinkedIn or FB. Let wives know :)

🙄

Unless you get picture of them with their guck out in your house/a hotel room with face in it; they'll just say they were chatting and that you're a delusional psycho ... who tries to break up marriages.

Fk, you could have a photo of them with their dick out and they'd still spin some yarn to their wife and plenty would still believe it (or pretend to believe it).

SaulSobieski · 14/05/2023 08:24

*dick .... Wtf is a guck and why is it in my autocorrect

SaulSobieski · 14/05/2023 08:26

MaxTalk · 13/05/2023 22:20

As a man, I have some good mates who admit to me they do it. You would never guess as they are highly successful in their careers, love their wives and kids etc.

The sort of man who many women would no doubt love to have as a husband...

But they don't love their wives.

Otherwise they'd not cheat, or tell her she can do it too on girls trips)in general.

Deceiving someone and making them stick to monogamy rules while you don't is not love. It's simply not square-able.
You're also risking their health with stds, even if they use condoms when they cheat. You can still get some things

gunnipl · 14/05/2023 08:29

I wonder... if they're that lecherous and pushy outside of the home , what are they like inside?
Are these the pests that many of us have had to live with ? The sulkers when their wives don't want to be intimate due to exhaustion because dh has spent yer another Saturday out golfing/ cycling/ running/ fishing with his Group... leaving wife at home doing it all ...again ...

Maybe these wives are secretly relieved because their gut is telling them that their oh is off sleazing and sniffing elsewhere and might just leave them alone for once ?

As a wise woman on here once said ... most men would have sex with a bin bag if it was the only option . She is right I think .
Just a thought ...

OP posts:
SaulSobieski · 14/05/2023 08:30

SaulSobieski · 14/05/2023 08:23

🙄

Unless you get picture of them with their guck out in your house/a hotel room with face in it; they'll just say they were chatting and that you're a delusional psycho ... who tries to break up marriages.

Fk, you could have a photo of them with their dick out and they'd still spin some yarn to their wife and plenty would still believe it (or pretend to believe it).

Just to add that there have been posters on here who've been contacted about their partners cheating/trying to cheat and many MN posters ...... Women .... Have immediately told them to dismiss it and that the women are predatory, insane, unstable, shit stirring people who want to break up couples for a thrill/because they're unhappy. Poster after poster.

The fact that there are way way way more male cheaters in the world than "psycho'/" females who randomly try to break up other people's relationships never occurs to them.

Or, they genuinely think "all men are like this, this poor woman is tied to him, stop making her life shit by uncovering his behaviour. She won't/can't leave anyway ... you're an evil meany to tell her about his behaviour".

GreyCarpet · 14/05/2023 09:00

It's ridiculous. I'm 48 and I still get hit on by married men when I go out. Last night, I went out with my boyfriend and went out for some fresh air. I was followed out by a man who had seen me with my boyfriend who proceeded to hit on me.

It happens nearly every time. Its irritating and its boring and no doubt their wives are sitting at home obluvious or posting on here about how trustworthy they are.

I've been hit on by friends' husbands, dads of my children's friends, colleagues, bosses. All married.

Tbh it makes me doubt my own relationship. The chances of me being with one of the few men who doesn't behave like this are slim.

Inthebathagain · 14/05/2023 09:08

They're not all like that. DP told me some stories from his annual boys holiday.

My favourite was when a prostitute approached them in Prague. She asked what games they'd like to play with her. His friend replied " How much to play Buckaroo?"

Their holidays are solely about getting friends living all over the UK together in one neutral place for watching sport and drinking.

Jk987 · 14/05/2023 09:11

Don't label yourself 'very average'. You are more than that and have to believe it.

Jk987 · 14/05/2023 09:21

Cheating is obviously wrong but going away on trip with your friends should not be banned just because you're in a relationship! Both sexes need time with friends!

LemonjeIIo · 14/05/2023 09:30

And the sad bit is, their wives could be reading this now, and agreeing with us and not even realizing it is their DH

frozendaisy · 14/05/2023 09:54

They have been warped by modern online porn (it's so dangerous it really is).

They think all young, all actually, women just want their mighty drunken penis up their anal or in their mouths.

They didn't think about extreme sexual acts when younger because you know it's just wrong. But now think they utterly deserve hot extreme unattached sex because they have a mighty penis.

And you managed to resist a shit anal banging round the back of the pub OP. How did you manage to hold yourself back!

Prettypaisleyslippers · 14/05/2023 09:55

what response did you give?

I used to travel a lot for work and the married men in business hotels were the worst, dire.

Beanscene · 14/05/2023 09:56

Gosh, I must be really unattractive 😳 as I never get hit on by men, catcalled or anything like that when out. Not that am looking for it as happily married.

lap90 · 14/05/2023 10:02

Pretty common and they don't have to travel to do it - plenty of apps from Tinder to Grindr and other online sites to swipe on from the comfort of their sofa.

MissTrip82 · 14/05/2023 10:12

I was single forever and I’ve never forgotten how many married men with children never ever ever mentioned their wives or even said ‘we’ about their weekend plans etc.

Just an enormous number of men pretending to be single around single women.

gunnipl · 14/05/2023 10:18

For some reason , when they start their cringe fest attempts at chatting me up, I ask if they have kids.
I can't understand why I do that ... maybe it's because my exh had an affair Yeats ago and the fall out was so damaging to our kids , that it changed each of them utterly
.
I ask them where they are tonight and who they're with and every single time , without fail , they do everything to avoid talking about them .
Possibly a conscience thing, possibly a snap back to real life reminding them that they have kids, they have wives and families .
They hate when I won't change topic and then normally move on to the next woman .

OP posts:
Newusernameaug · 14/05/2023 10:21

I’m just back from the Portugal, the Algarve.
the airport and plane was full of same age men as you talk about all on their ‘golf’ weekends, the way they were behaving was like 20 yr olds on stag weekends.
Loud, letchy and leery to any woman, intimidating and whilst I mainly kept away from them when on holiday as I avoid the tourist spots whenever I did come across the English golf guys out they’re just like rampant dogs in heat and yes, I presume most are married!

SecretsIWouldNeverTell · 14/05/2023 10:45

UnnamedPoster · 13/05/2023 21:17

Wow, there is so much generalising and man-bashing going on here.
You'd seriously leave your husband for wanting a weekend away with friends??!

Of course some men are dicks. I can 100% believe that my ex husband was a twat when he went away. Because he was a twat in other ways.
My husband who is right now away with his friends in Spain? 100% not trying to get his end away.

Please don't write the entire male sex off.

You're probably one of the most gullible people I've ever come across on here. If you think that your man will never cheat. Nobody's writing the male sex off. Most women think most men are OK. Sometimes men get on our nerves, sometimes they make us laugh, sometimes they piss us off, sometimes they are kind and thoughtful. But men, (the vast, vast majority of men,) will eventually cheat in a relationship. What percentage??? No idea, but it is the majority for sure.

I'd been with my husband for 20 years and married for 15 and had two young kids. It's a long story, but basically I discovered he was having an affair with a woman at work, when a message popped up on our JOINT computer from her. I had suspected for a few months, as this woman at work was super friendly with him, always texting him, and ringing him on our landline keeping him chatting at dinner time, and he started to come home an hour after he had finished work - it was 10 minutes bike ride! Hmm But they were just 'mates.'

I complained profusely one night and said I was sick of her contact. Then it went radio silence. He was then in touch behind my back and met her behind my back a few times (pretended he was with mates or at work - I discovered this later.) The message coming through, I won't go into it, but it TOLD me they had been shagging. I reckon she wanted me to know. She knew we shared a computer.

He's always been, ever since I've met him, really friendly with other women because 'I can't help it if I get on better with women, can I?' He has been friends with only a small number of men. I have never understood why. He gets on OK with them, but has always seemed to prefer to be friends with women, and has always had female work colleagues as friends. He has had a few male friends, especially when he was a lot younger - 20s and 30s, but since about his late 30s, they have all been female. (He is nearly 60 now.)

Most women have actually been OK with him wanting to be mates, and have been - and stayed just that. But he has known several women in the past, (colleagues and acquaintances,) who have got the wrong idea and have really been annoyed and pissed off when they see me - because they realised he is married. (Obviously never told them.) Hmm They act like I'm in the way, and ignore me, acting as if I am not there, and flirting around him. But as I say, 20 years went by. Never any sign of him cheating all that time.

Although he did used to go out on the odd night out with men from work, (six or seven of them,) and he would come back and tell me tales about all of them, how they tried it on with other women, and got off with other women and he was scolding them as he went home happily to his wife. After I caught him out having an affair after 20 years of marriage, I thought 'you were one of these men, weren't you? You said THEY were doing it when you were doing it.' He used to tell me tales about how women used to chat him up, and he pushed them away. But it was a big fat lie. Fuck knows how many women he chatted up. May have been one, may have been none, may have been twenty.

Anyway, that was 20 years ago. I had an affair for 3 months a year after it. With a man I met in a bar when I was on a night out with a friend. Slept with him 5 or 6 times and then ended it. Would I have shagged another man if DH hadn't shagged another woman? Probably not. I thought - rightly or wrongly - 'well it's good enough for him to fuck other women, so...' I know... a stupid way to think but I wasn't in a good place then.

But anyway. We're OK now. Have been OK since about a year after MY fling.

But even now - married for over 35 years and in our late 50s, there's still a little tiny part of me that worries a little bit when he's trying to help a woman at work who needs his help with something, and she is contacting him by text or whatsapping him, or ringing him, and he is reassuring her about something, and chatting.

One woman (at his workplace) was pouring her heart out to him about 3 and a half years ago, about her broken marriage. THAT jarred me, because it was when a woman did this 20 years ago, that he ended up fucking her. This time though, he kept this woman at arms length, and told her after she had kept him talking 3 or 4 times, that he felt uncomfortable chatting to her about her personal life. She left soon after.

It also jars me when he is a bit chummy with single female neighbours, and (for example) offers to mow her lawn... It is still in the back of my mind that even at nearly 60, he could still cheat. I also never understand why he doesn't ever offer to mow the lawn for single MALE neighbours. These things run through my mind. (These women always decline the mowing of their lawn btw. Don't want to be beholden probably.)

(He doesn't do this often, offer to do stuff for female single neighbours, and hasn't for several years, but he does now and again...)

He also is quite old now.. like me. Nearly 60 and hasn't 'got it' anymore. He has tried to make friends with women a few times over the last 2 or 3 years, (at work,) and they are not interested. Doesn't help that that they're pretty much all a generation younger or more.

Why am I with him? When I've got this slight doubt in my mind? Because for the most part, probably 90 to 95% of the time, everything is absolutely fine and our marriage is good, and we are good friends, and I do love him and we have children together - and future grandchildren possibly, and as far as I know, he hasn't cheated again, and probably won't again. And I'm not going to give up a perfectly decent marriage, where I am very financially comfortable and happy, because there is a vanishingly small chance he might cheat again.

I really don't think he will. But yeah, anybody who thinks their husband will never, ever cheat, (not my Nigel,) is incredibly deluded. Most men will take it if it's offered on a plate, as at the end of the day, they think there is something out there that is better than their wife. After a while, they realise there isn't and that's why men usually stay with their wives. Also, it's a lot easier on them to stay, than leave. And even the ones who DO leave, end up finding everything is the same as it was with their wife, but they have destroyed their wife's heart, and confidence, and upset their childrens lives, and the lives of both families.

What it boils down to is many men are selfish and entitled. Thank God most women are NOT, otherwise we'd all be fucked.

SecretsIWouldNeverTell · 14/05/2023 10:46

He dumped the woman at work as soon as I found out BTW, and she left after a few weeks.

Didimum · 14/05/2023 10:52

SecretsIWouldNeverTell · 14/05/2023 10:45

You're probably one of the most gullible people I've ever come across on here. If you think that your man will never cheat. Nobody's writing the male sex off. Most women think most men are OK. Sometimes men get on our nerves, sometimes they make us laugh, sometimes they piss us off, sometimes they are kind and thoughtful. But men, (the vast, vast majority of men,) will eventually cheat in a relationship. What percentage??? No idea, but it is the majority for sure.

I'd been with my husband for 20 years and married for 15 and had two young kids. It's a long story, but basically I discovered he was having an affair with a woman at work, when a message popped up on our JOINT computer from her. I had suspected for a few months, as this woman at work was super friendly with him, always texting him, and ringing him on our landline keeping him chatting at dinner time, and he started to come home an hour after he had finished work - it was 10 minutes bike ride! Hmm But they were just 'mates.'

I complained profusely one night and said I was sick of her contact. Then it went radio silence. He was then in touch behind my back and met her behind my back a few times (pretended he was with mates or at work - I discovered this later.) The message coming through, I won't go into it, but it TOLD me they had been shagging. I reckon she wanted me to know. She knew we shared a computer.

He's always been, ever since I've met him, really friendly with other women because 'I can't help it if I get on better with women, can I?' He has been friends with only a small number of men. I have never understood why. He gets on OK with them, but has always seemed to prefer to be friends with women, and has always had female work colleagues as friends. He has had a few male friends, especially when he was a lot younger - 20s and 30s, but since about his late 30s, they have all been female. (He is nearly 60 now.)

Most women have actually been OK with him wanting to be mates, and have been - and stayed just that. But he has known several women in the past, (colleagues and acquaintances,) who have got the wrong idea and have really been annoyed and pissed off when they see me - because they realised he is married. (Obviously never told them.) Hmm They act like I'm in the way, and ignore me, acting as if I am not there, and flirting around him. But as I say, 20 years went by. Never any sign of him cheating all that time.

Although he did used to go out on the odd night out with men from work, (six or seven of them,) and he would come back and tell me tales about all of them, how they tried it on with other women, and got off with other women and he was scolding them as he went home happily to his wife. After I caught him out having an affair after 20 years of marriage, I thought 'you were one of these men, weren't you? You said THEY were doing it when you were doing it.' He used to tell me tales about how women used to chat him up, and he pushed them away. But it was a big fat lie. Fuck knows how many women he chatted up. May have been one, may have been none, may have been twenty.

Anyway, that was 20 years ago. I had an affair for 3 months a year after it. With a man I met in a bar when I was on a night out with a friend. Slept with him 5 or 6 times and then ended it. Would I have shagged another man if DH hadn't shagged another woman? Probably not. I thought - rightly or wrongly - 'well it's good enough for him to fuck other women, so...' I know... a stupid way to think but I wasn't in a good place then.

But anyway. We're OK now. Have been OK since about a year after MY fling.

But even now - married for over 35 years and in our late 50s, there's still a little tiny part of me that worries a little bit when he's trying to help a woman at work who needs his help with something, and she is contacting him by text or whatsapping him, or ringing him, and he is reassuring her about something, and chatting.

One woman (at his workplace) was pouring her heart out to him about 3 and a half years ago, about her broken marriage. THAT jarred me, because it was when a woman did this 20 years ago, that he ended up fucking her. This time though, he kept this woman at arms length, and told her after she had kept him talking 3 or 4 times, that he felt uncomfortable chatting to her about her personal life. She left soon after.

It also jars me when he is a bit chummy with single female neighbours, and (for example) offers to mow her lawn... It is still in the back of my mind that even at nearly 60, he could still cheat. I also never understand why he doesn't ever offer to mow the lawn for single MALE neighbours. These things run through my mind. (These women always decline the mowing of their lawn btw. Don't want to be beholden probably.)

(He doesn't do this often, offer to do stuff for female single neighbours, and hasn't for several years, but he does now and again...)

He also is quite old now.. like me. Nearly 60 and hasn't 'got it' anymore. He has tried to make friends with women a few times over the last 2 or 3 years, (at work,) and they are not interested. Doesn't help that that they're pretty much all a generation younger or more.

Why am I with him? When I've got this slight doubt in my mind? Because for the most part, probably 90 to 95% of the time, everything is absolutely fine and our marriage is good, and we are good friends, and I do love him and we have children together - and future grandchildren possibly, and as far as I know, he hasn't cheated again, and probably won't again. And I'm not going to give up a perfectly decent marriage, where I am very financially comfortable and happy, because there is a vanishingly small chance he might cheat again.

I really don't think he will. But yeah, anybody who thinks their husband will never, ever cheat, (not my Nigel,) is incredibly deluded. Most men will take it if it's offered on a plate, as at the end of the day, they think there is something out there that is better than their wife. After a while, they realise there isn't and that's why men usually stay with their wives. Also, it's a lot easier on them to stay, than leave. And even the ones who DO leave, end up finding everything is the same as it was with their wife, but they have destroyed their wife's heart, and confidence, and upset their childrens lives, and the lives of both families.

What it boils down to is many men are selfish and entitled. Thank God most women are NOT, otherwise we'd all be fucked.

Sorry you married a shit one, and felt somehow required to put up with it, but you are not some arbiter of truth on the ‘vast, vast majority of men’. It’s your opinion and that’s all it is.

Bowbowbo · 14/05/2023 10:53

I’ll never get married again (I’m 60 with a 54 year old partner who is desperate to marry me). Marriage means nothing to me any more, though it did when I was having and raising children. I’m happy now to enjoy the good times but know I can move on easily. I’ve never cheated on anyone and never will as that is my moral code but I have no such expectation of him.

RunThroughTheJungle · 14/05/2023 10:56

I was out last night. I'm newly single so was looking about, I'm not actively looking yet, but just out of interest to see what may be there in the future. God, it was grim, I very much doubt I'll go out drinking very often anyway. I had men make approaches, I made it obvious I didn't want that by moving away etc. every single one of them then touched me in some way. Absolutely out of order and depressing. All in their 50's and early 60's I reckon. Luckily I was a professional athlete in my youth and the masters scene is pretty popular, I'm going to get back into it and you never know, I may meet a hot oldie, lol

Daffodilwoman · 14/05/2023 10:59

That’s a very honest post Secrets I think this sums up a lot of relationships.

perfectcolourfound · 14/05/2023 11:08

It's grim. Not just 40s / 50s either (younger and older).

I do find the made up statistics and uninformed generalisations irritating though. I don't believe most men act like this, which has been said a few times above.

Of the men who are on 'lads' weekends, it's maybe a higher proportion than of the men who wouldn't entertain such a weekend. Maybe. But going away with your friends, male or female, doesn't automatically make you a potential cheat.

My DH doesn't go on weekends away with friends, just because he isn't bothered (and nor are any of his friends) but I wouldn't object if he did. Without trust you don't have a relationship. You either have to trust your OH (if they've never given you reason not to) or leave them.

But back to the first post - yes it's depressing.

JamSandle · 14/05/2023 11:15

Any time I hear 'golf trip' or 'lads holiday' I think affair.