What's your definition of fair share?

[user1489844432]

I have constant arguments with my partner about equal share of responsibilities and obviously we both think the other one is wrong. So I would appreciate some external perspective.

We both work full time and have one child in YR1.

My partner pays for food bills and breakfast/after school club and I pay for everything else whether bills, mortgage, activities for little one etc.

We have more or less equal split when it comes to morning and bedtime routines with her doing 60%.

The issue is that I am constantly being called lazy for not pulling my weight around housework. Factually it is correct statement. However I have a very stressful job, which I took only when we decided to have a family so we can afford to have a child. Our earnings were similar before the child and my partner said she doesn't want to have a stressful job regardless whether child is in the picture or not.

In order to get some peace I have started paying recently for a cleaner once a week but apparently this doesn't count as I don't clean myself.

I said to my partner if she wants me to do half of the housework then I would expect her to pay half of the total bills. The point is she would need then to go and find either a stressful job paying more or another part time job (in addition to current job) which is less stressful to afford half of the bills and on top of that still do half of her housework.

She said I make no sense at all and being unfair. I appreciate she is tired but so am I just in a different way. I understand we both work full time but at the end of the day if we agreed fair share that each does 4hrs housework for example and then I would only clean one room in that time and she did whole house then I would be told again I am not pulling my weight, so it is only fair in my opinion to apply the same to bills contribution.

The way I see it she is still getting a decent deal here as ultimately part time job would require more hrs than what she spends covering my half of the housework.

Any thoughts on this?

Who owns the house?

Your financial contribution doesn't absolve you of household responsibilities. You both work full time, therefore the household jobs should be split 50/50. Stop pulling the big man job card and actually find out what needs doing in the house, rather than leaving it to your partner. If you continue to not pull your weight, well, you could find yourself single down the line.

So you think because you have a more stressful job you should do less of the domestic stuff? My husband earns double what I so and still manages to do housework and look after his children. You need to be on the same team!

family life shouldn’t be as transactional as this. Contributions can be equal without being the same. If money for the cleaner is spare and gives you both time away from tedious housework you should be glad you can afford it. Why fight over it unless you have other problems which a spreadsheet and time and motion study won’t resolve.

Its a reality that you could split up. Probability is higher because you aren’t married. It’s not good that either of you becomes dependent on the other for bread winning or home making responsibilities. Because one day you could be doing 100% of both for you and your child.

But seriously if you can afford childcare and a cleaner why are you fighting over money.

If the house is only in your name then I don't think you paying the mortgage is relevant. Why should she contribute to paying off an asset that only you own, when if you split up you could change the locks and make her homeless overnight?

I think you would both benefit from couples counselling. Having someone to mediate and help you see each others perspective.

Don't underestimate the resentment that can build up from living with a person who doesn't pull their weight around the house. Many couples have broken up over it.

If you were single you would have to work full time and do all of the housework.

I will never understand couples who have children, make a family, and then don’t have equality of time and funds.

My DH and I earn different salaries - we have the same amount left over each after bills are paid.

We share pick ups/drop off for our children, share housework and support each other.

You want a transactional relationship and I’d tell you to get lost.

There is a bit misunderstanding here. I am not about transactional relationship at all not really sure why my post came across like this.

However if we talking about a fair partnership then I believe all aspects contributing to family life should be taken into account.

I absolutely love how all the comments so far are one sided. I wonder what they would be if situation was other way around and it was woman posting about a man who doesn't contribute much financially and ask her do half of everything else.

I am not fighting here for money as someone suggested as I couldn't care less about it. I just feel it is deeply unfair not too look at the whole picture, especially if it is purely my partners decision not to go for higher paying job which would enable her to pay half of the bills and then her arguments would make perfect sense to me.

Not sure why that matters but the house is in both our names 50/50 split.

I'm also quite sceptical about this "stressful job" issue.

You both work full-time.

Salaries don't necessarily correspond to how stressful the job is. There are plenty of people doing stressful jobs on low salaries and plenty of people on high salaries whose jobs are not actually that stressful but who can earn more due to their qualifications and experience or the sector they chose to work in.

People don't just work full-time in stress free jobs and then decide one day to take on a stressful job which means they get paid more. That's not how it works. So it's doubtful whether your partner, who already works full time, could just get another job working the same full time hours she is already doing but getting paid more because it is more stressful. Suggesting that she should take on a second job so that she can pay 50% of the bills when she already works full-time and you have a young child together is pretty despicable.

If she is able to get a better paid job, she should probably consider doing that not so she can make an equal financial contribution to the home, but to give herself more financial security.

In my experience men who have kids with a woman without marrying her quite often want to have their cake and eat it. They want to be a family when it suits them and also separate individuals when it suits them. But if you do a runner she'll be left holding the baby and trying to get you to pay the fairly miserable amount the CSA says you owe.

If you have a cleaner and only one child, how much more housework is there?
Are you talking about life admin, such as making sure there's enough food, deciding what food, shopping for it, meal planning, laundry and putting it away, making sure DC has everything they need for school and clubs, in the right place at the right time, paying bills, researching deals, checking whether DC has homework and making sure they do it,gardeing, DiY ,arranging social life including birthdays/xmas etc? There's a whole lot more to running a home and family life than cleaning.
If your DP has more free time than you because she works shorter hours/can take a lunch break then it would be fair to expect her to do a bit more, particularly as you jointly took the decision that you would get a more demanding job to pay for having a family. If she is less physically tired than you then agin, it would be nice if she could pick up a bit of slack. But I can't see that stress alone would mean that you should do less of the grind.
If she's telling you it's an issue, then you'd better take notice.
I see that you haven't actually said that you work longer hours, and I also don't see that you earning more means that is fair for the cleaner to cover your share of the housework only.

Pool all your money. All bills get paid from it, you get an equal amount of ‘fun money’ and the rest goes into savings.

As far as jobs goes, sit down together, make a list of all the jobs and divide them so that you each get the same amount of leisure time. You might need to adjust this from time to time. Make sure they are divided so each of you gets some jobs you like doing and some you don’t.

I don't think finances are relevant when it comes to splitting household chores fairly.

Hours out of the house (or total working hours + commute if there is some WFH involved) is what matters.

If you are both out of the house equal hours, household chores should be split equally.

Your stress level does not equate to the housework and child raising duties disappearing.

Head wobble now, you are a parent and are in a household every able adult should contribute equally any less is simply disrespectful to your partner.

This annoys the absolute core of my being. Thankfully my partner is an adult who respects my time is as valuable as his own.

You sound like a selfish arse.

She works full time. She earns less than you. I would say exactly the same if sexed were reversed and have done plenty of times.

I agree with the op

he pays more into the house, his partner pays for after school club and one other thing! Wow she’s lucky

he also pays for a cleaner to do his share of the cleaning yet she still isn’t happy!

the woman won’t be happy until you are doing every single thing she asks!!!

I just feel it is deeply unfair not too look at the whole picture

I haven't read other poster responses because I know how these threads go. But have you considered that you are not looking at the whole picture either?

There's a few things that come to mind that you can think about objectively before jumping straight to resentment.

1. you've paid for a cleaner to offset your personal chore workload. This is good, and fine IMO. But, do you do the necessary prep and tidying before the cleaner comes, or is that left to your DP, or doesn't get done at all
2. Day to day stuff still needs doing whether you have a cleaner or not. You can't just have a cleaner once a week and expect to do nothing in between. Are you able to be objective and honest here and work out what tasks would be done by you if you lived alone/were a single parent, and which would be left until the next day? If so, do you do those tasks or leave them for your DP?

My feeling is that while two people in a couple may have different standards which causes a discrepancy in household tasks, both people should do the minimum that they would do if they lived alone. The resentment comes from looking at the dishes and dirty kitchen and low-level thinking, I'm too tired, partner can do that. You might not be consciously thinking that, but it's what you're doing. Living alone, there's no one else to pick up the slack.

If she only worked part time I'd be a bit more on your side, but you seem to have given yourself a label of too important to do menial tasks because your job is more stressful. Some of the most effective downtime and destressing happens while doing 'mindless' tasks to occupy your conscious mind (google 'Diffuse Mode of Thinking' if you want the science).

It doesn't matter if one is a CEO doing 40 hours and the other a shelf stacker doing 40 hours - you have equal downtime. You don't get to mentally degrade her to skivvy and you more important, which is how your post comes across.

Your family life seems to be a series of trade offs. It sounds quite stressful all round. Are you ready to try something different?

Why dont you pool your incomes to a joint account with an agreed amount retained in your personal accounts (we have an equal amount each regardless of the disparity of our incomes). Everything gets paid out of the joint account including a regular cleaner and also including nights out together; for us, our individual accounts are for buying each other gifts, personal treats and nights out with friends . Anything left in the joint account at the end of the month (if you are lucky!) gets shifted into savings for summer holiday and xmas.

In our household I work PT and my husband FT and I'm the 'Director of Household Affairs' as we realised the mental load is high running a family of 4. Five years ago and for the preceeding 10 years this was the opposite way round.

We have a split of tasks, he does all the breakfast and lunches and I do the shopping and evening meals for example. I'll be the one that remembers/notices things like this child needs shoes/dentist/birthday party etc but husband is generally the one to do it.

I hope you can find a new way to be partners in your family

Both parties should have equal downtime and equal disposable income in a fully functioning marriage/partnership. If that is the situation then great, if not look again.

So just to clarify I understand correctly as at the end of the day I asked for a feedback.

I am completely unreasonable expecting my partner to get a new job paying higher salary, which is within her reach, which then would allow me to change my job to less stressful and paying less but allowing me to have more time and then we split everything equally all chores and all finances.

She told me she doesn't want to do it but somehow I am still bad guy here.

When you say your job is more stressful do you mean you work more hours than your DP?

If you work more hours then yes each partner should have equal free time, but if it's just some nebulous feeling that it's harder because you earn more, then no you don't opt out of doing your fair share.

And presumably the cleaner is coming out of joint funds, as a couple with a DC your funds should be pooled, except for some equal discretionary money.

Yeah if you were my partner I would be pissed with your attitude. Unless you both communicated I am going to take a more stressful job that means I wont help with any housework and her agreeing then your being unreasonable. Is your income hugely more than hers. Regardless if she does the same hours she has the same spare time and it's not fair you get to use all of yours and she gets to use hers to do housework. Back to the drawing board I think. Lose the stressful job sack the cleaner and be a team.

The other thing I would say is that when DC are young and you are both working, it is hard, there are no two way's about it.
I worked pt and still found it a slog.

Please try to be kind to each other. Remember that you love each other and partnership and parenthood should me more than continuously sniping at each other. If you're both feeling hard done by, the balance is probably about right.

No your last update is not unreasonable but you cant make her so you have to adjust your life expectations. There are many other options a smaller house a less expensive lifestyle ect. If she doesnt want to do it you say okay neither do I so where do we go from here. Let's see if I lose the stressful job and earn X how can we make that work. If she says you cant and expects you to keep the job that's where it tips from you to her being unreasonable.

Unless one of you makes a lot more mess than the other, it's reasonable for each to do half the housework.