What's your definition of fair share?

[user1489844432]

I have constant arguments with my partner about equal share of responsibilities and obviously we both think the other one is wrong. So I would appreciate some external perspective.

We both work full time and have one child in YR1.

My partner pays for food bills and breakfast/after school club and I pay for everything else whether bills, mortgage, activities for little one etc.

We have more or less equal split when it comes to morning and bedtime routines with her doing 60%.

The issue is that I am constantly being called lazy for not pulling my weight around housework. Factually it is correct statement. However I have a very stressful job, which I took only when we decided to have a family so we can afford to have a child. Our earnings were similar before the child and my partner said she doesn't want to have a stressful job regardless whether child is in the picture or not.

In order to get some peace I have started paying recently for a cleaner once a week but apparently this doesn't count as I don't clean myself.

I said to my partner if she wants me to do half of the housework then I would expect her to pay half of the total bills. The point is she would need then to go and find either a stressful job paying more or another part time job (in addition to current job) which is less stressful to afford half of the bills and on top of that still do half of her housework.

She said I make no sense at all and being unfair. I appreciate she is tired but so am I just in a different way. I understand we both work full time but at the end of the day if we agreed fair share that each does 4hrs housework for example and then I would only clean one room in that time and she did whole house then I would be told again I am not pulling my weight, so it is only fair in my opinion to apply the same to bills contribution.

The way I see it she is still getting a decent deal here as ultimately part time job would require more hrs than what she spends covering my half of the housework.

Any thoughts on this?

Dh earns three times as much as me.

He wfh and has no commute, 37.5 hr week. At a desk.

I work 45hrs, short commute but out of the house 7.30-18.30 five days a week.

He does the day to day. I do the deep cleaning and decluttering plus chip in with washing up and laundry when I’m there and it needs doing. But he does the ferrying around of DC, daily cleaning, cooking etc.

We never argue about it. In years past when our working situations have been different I’ve done 90% to his 10%. Nothing to do with income but all about who has more time or energy.

All this is to say; I do sort of get where you’re coming from if you are working 10 hour shifts on your feet and she’s doing a sit down job with little pressure. But otherwise just get over yourselves and get on with being a couple. It really shouldn’t be this transactional.

I don’t think the salary is very relevant but the number of hours working, both in and outside the home and commuting. You mention as soon as your child goes to bed then that is free time, but don’t you have to cook, eat, clear up, gets things ready for the next day etc. Who washes and irons the school uniform, supervises prep, reads with DC? Does your partner get to go out on her own as much as you or is she the assumed default parent? Who takes time off when DC is Ill, is that 50/50?

I don't really get the stressful job bit. Is it more stressful in your opinion or would she agree that she has an easier job? At the end of the day, most jobs are tiring whether it be physically, mentally or just tedious and boring. Also, would she be okay with you having a less stressful job if it meant you had to cut back on a few things or does she appreciate and prioritise the extra income as much as you do? Possibly you prioritise different things and this is why you are butting heads?

The cleaner thing I don't understand, if you are paying a cleaner for 2 hours a week then that is as good as you cleaning for 2 hours a week yourself in my book. Could you afford more hours in order to give her more of a break?

In relationships people earn different amounts. In healthy relationships both partners get an equal amount of spending money and equal amounts of relaxation time,

You pay bills in proportion to earnings and do chores in proportion to ensure you both get to relax.

It sounds like you resent your partner earning less and want to punish her by making her do more household chores. Sounds pretty unfair to me......doesn't sound like you like her very much either.

It's because she's not talking about housework! It's the emotional load of being on as a parent that New just don't do I'm afraid. Do you notice and buy clothes? Do you do birthday parties? Organise your social life? Date night? It's not about working ft then chores it is the rest of life management.
If you don't get it you never will. And even if you were a single dad it's highly likely other people would step in and do this stuff for you, your kids would do it for themselves or it wouldn't get done.
Do you know when non uniform or break the rules days are? Have you ever taken your daughter to the dentist and booked it, or the hairdresser? Do you know when the next inset day is?

I don't think it's about the link between 'money' and 'household chores', which many PP are hung up on. It's the equivalent detrimental mental health impact. As a general principle.

Some people eat stress for breakfast, they actively want the high status job. The money, power, etc. OK the OP didn't say they are in one of those, but some people are really invested in progression and accompanying monetary rewards.

Other aren't and just want a peaceful life. And maybe don't handle stress well.

A lot of high earning men with their 'big jobs' are in the former, in which case it's unfair to dump all the burden on the household on their wives. This is different from a situation where they need the job to afford things.

I do agree that communication has broken down though, and it shouldn't be a 'tit for tat' of 'more money, less housework'. But equally there should be a family discussion of priorities. As a family more money is required and one person has to take a higher paid job that they hate then a bit more household management from the other isn't a bad trade-off. The alternative is, of course they all accept the drop in financial income and adjust living standards accordingly.

I'm not really on the OP's side anymore because things just don't add up (4 hours on cleaning a room?) but I disagree with the general 'FT 50/50'.

You both work FT and have a small child - time is the more valuable resource, not money.

I'm guessing she takes on the bulk (if not all) of the mental load? If you're not familiar with this concept please google it and seriously contemplate it. Who organised Christmas last year? How often do you notice your DC needs new clothes, buy them, and sort the old ones away to charity shops etc?

If I'm right that she takes on the mental load, then that compensates for your more stressful job (and likely more than does so).

I don't think you're pulling your weight.

At one point my DH tried pulling the "big job"card. I pointed out that when he earned the same as the chairman of ICI and could therefore pay for 24/7 all singing all dancing support he could do nothing. Until then he could stop playing that card and pull his weight. In my mind that meant that when he got home from work in the evening he helped with either childcare or housework/cooking until we were both in a position to sit down on the sofa and enjoy the remains of the evening. No coming home and sitting on the sofa with a glass of wine whilst I cooked dinner and cleared up etc..

If you want to be fair then whoever gets home first gets started with childcare and chores and whoever gets home second gets stuck in alongside. Both carry on until both can stop - once you're through that front door at the end of the day you're not done until the work at home is finished. If you apy for a cleaner then they are there to help both of you not just absolve you from doing anything whilst your wife continues to slave away at the drudge work.

So you can afford to pay for a cleaner to do your share of the housework, but your wife can't afford the same? So you think you can sit on your bum for those 2 hours while your wife still has to do her 2 hours?
And you think that's ok?
In your average household, you'd both be delighted it buys you both extra time to relax, not one of you lazing around watching the other work.