What's your definition of fair share?

[user1489844432]

I have constant arguments with my partner about equal share of responsibilities and obviously we both think the other one is wrong. So I would appreciate some external perspective.

We both work full time and have one child in YR1.

My partner pays for food bills and breakfast/after school club and I pay for everything else whether bills, mortgage, activities for little one etc.

We have more or less equal split when it comes to morning and bedtime routines with her doing 60%.

The issue is that I am constantly being called lazy for not pulling my weight around housework. Factually it is correct statement. However I have a very stressful job, which I took only when we decided to have a family so we can afford to have a child. Our earnings were similar before the child and my partner said she doesn't want to have a stressful job regardless whether child is in the picture or not.

In order to get some peace I have started paying recently for a cleaner once a week but apparently this doesn't count as I don't clean myself.

I said to my partner if she wants me to do half of the housework then I would expect her to pay half of the total bills. The point is she would need then to go and find either a stressful job paying more or another part time job (in addition to current job) which is less stressful to afford half of the bills and on top of that still do half of her housework.

She said I make no sense at all and being unfair. I appreciate she is tired but so am I just in a different way. I understand we both work full time but at the end of the day if we agreed fair share that each does 4hrs housework for example and then I would only clean one room in that time and she did whole house then I would be told again I am not pulling my weight, so it is only fair in my opinion to apply the same to bills contribution.

The way I see it she is still getting a decent deal here as ultimately part time job would require more hrs than what she spends covering my half of the housework.

Any thoughts on this?

Depends about the rest of his actions

If he leaves his dirty clothes on the floor, shit stains on the toilet, doesnt do the washing up and doesn't tidy up but thinks paying for a cleaner is sufficient whilst ignoring the fact his partner is picking up his stuff around him constantly then not being happy with a cleaner could be less to do with him getting a cleaner and more to do with resentment that he doesn't notice all the extra work hes causing her every single day and thinking 3 hours cleaning a week is enough to do his bit.

On the other hand she could be selfish and unfair.

Or it could be that he keeps reducing her worth to her income and in her striving to get the relationship on a more equal footing shes ended up quibbling about things that dont make sense.

We only have the OPs version of events. Him having to work a more stressful job because she wont could just as easily be that she has had to pull more than her fair share of chores for their whole relationship and realised with a baby coming she would be doing the bulk of the parenting, the bulk of the housework and she couldn't work a stressful job as well. Whilst she knew that regardless of whether the OP worked a stressful job or not he was never going to give her equal leisure time.

OP
You haven’t said who does the cooking, day to day cleaning, meal prep, laundry.
You said there is a 60/40 split in morning/ bedtime routine, but not who does the rest?

What I have observed is that women very often do these day to day drudgery- type chores.
Men very often don’t understand how wearing it is to HAVE to do them every single day.
A cleaner won’t be doing day to day laundry, or day to day cooking, or doing the weekly shop. A cleaner would help, but it doesn’t address the drudgery which has to be done every day.

Many men ( I assume not all men, but it seems to be common) don’t always recognise or value the time it takes to do those things. That does breed resentment.

OP, maybe try and have a look for a less stressful job/profession that also pays better than average? Thought you were loaded with that tone!

I can smell the midlife crisis. Average age, average job, average house, average car, it's raining on your chips on holidays.... And yet still expected to do your average share at home by...let me guess... an average wife?
Not fair is it!?

To quote Dire Straits: the best option here is to become a rockstar - money for nothing, chicks for free and a maid laundering your Tee. 🎶🎵

Let's re-read the OP again, shall we:
He says
"In 4 hours, if I have done only one room but she has cleaned whole house"
How does this make any sense?
Is she more efficient?
Is he shit at cleaning, or strategically incompetent?

I was on the OP's side, but now that I think about it, it's rather strange.

And he has not said anything about 'leisure time'.

If you really want an answer to your original question, try taking a week off work and doing all the housework and child care for that week. It may give you a better perspective on what needs to be done and how long it takes.

That's the thing I noticed too and I think there is a level of strategic incompetence in play. If he's taking 4 hours to clean 1 room and says he is doing less of the housework as well how much is he actually achieving?

I'm finding this concept that both partners could work the same hours, but the higher paid one is deserving of additional head start space time whatever that might be .

The reality is with young DC there is often no spare time to be had.

If OP hates his job he needs to find a different one and the family cut their cloth accordingly, not pressurise his DW - who is already working ft - into a job she hates to even the score.

My husband would take 4 hours cleaning a room, but in his defence he 'really' cleaned it, walls, skirting boards, moving furniture etc - if I was cleaning the same room it would have taken me far far less but not have been done to his spec !

I think with young DCs the concept of good enough cleaning should be in place, but it's hard to tell who the perfectionist is here.

Just wanted to clarify why thing as it is disappointing my post came across this way.

i have never said that's because I am earning more I should have more privileges, free time etc. The only reason I mentioned earnings is to explain why my partner doesn't contribute equally, what would need to change for her to do it and what I needed to do to ultimately cover the share she doesn't contribute.

It would be different case if right from the beginning there was a difference in earnings and it could be reasonably expected to stay like that.

It would be a different case if my partner supported me with her actions to get to current salary level by for example staying at home to provide full time childcare so I can focus on my career etc.

But none of this is the case.

For me this is very simple. She believes her contribution is greater than mine and I struggle to see that. I tried to find a way which in my opinion is the most fair, which would be let's contribute equally with everything. Then there is no hard feelings on either side. This would require her to make a change to her working arrangements and me in terms of the housework workload.

How this is not fair is just beyond me. Not to mentione realistically speaking how much of a housework can be there, as few people pointed out, with 3 people in the house and cleaner already in place. I am not saying it is next to nothing or it doesn't take its toll. I am just trying to provide a context.

OP you've still not said who has more free time, or if that is equal.

But you've admitted that you don't do half the housework! You're still making this about money when it's about time.

And if it's taking you 4 hours to clean a room, you need to take some lessons from a cleaner because that is ridiculous.

Your partner earns less, so she should pay less in proportion to your relative earnings. You both work full time, so housework should be 50/50.

If you are in fact structurally working longer hours than she is because in your job there is an expectation that you will work additional hours at home then that would need adjusting, but you have not suggested this is the case.

I guess everyone defines free time differently, I count free time from the moment child goes to bed as then I get to go to the gym, watch TV or do whatever I want unless I have to work.

Going by this definition I get 4 evenings she gets 3.

the fair split is to split what each pays according to their income - so if partner earns half what you do, they pay half of what you pay towards the bills - and this includes cleaner.

And this extrapolates to time - if you have half the spare time your partner does then partner does double housework/kids etc to you. The amount of stress your job takes has no bearing on any of this. Especially since the stress tolerance of each human is different.

So for instance, when I was a SAHM, my then-husband paid for everything, and he only had to do whatever he wanted to do with our child. I would never have expected him to do housework etc. during the week. Whereas at weekends we both did equal housework and childcare.

It does sound like you need to do more, because you feel your job/income entitles you to more personal time. It doesn't necessarily, unless you work longer hours.

You both need the same amount of time not doing work, housework, or childcare.

You both need the same amount of disposable money after joint expenses.

You will never get both of those things 100% so you need to communicate frustrations in a reasonable and measured way before they blow up into an argument.

And you also need to acknowledge that no one ever gets as much relaxing downtime as they need with young kids unless they have staff so it's about both being equally stressed overall too.

I said to my partner if she wants me to do half of the housework then I would expect her to pay half of the total bills. The point is she would need then to go and find either a stressful job paying more or another part time job (in addition to current job) which is less stressful to afford half of the bills and on top of that still do half of her housework.

This is were you're off-base. You're equating money with contributions.

Let's just start with having a child:
You could start thinking about what your partner went through in pregnancy, childbirth and early years

Who carries the mental load? Who takes your DC to the doctor etc?

Who does the school run, the childcare when your DC is ill, goes to any shows or parent things?

YABU basically.

Yes when you have a young DC, if both DPs are feeling stressed and slightly resentful then the balance is probably about right .

I'm not sure how with a cleaner and only 1 kid you're both still struggling with housework?

Or why its taking 8 hours par day?

You earning more doesn't mean you can do less housework or childcare.

Nor is it fair to expect her to get a more stressful job if she doesn't want to

You could get a less stressful, lower paid job and spend less to accommodate the reduction in earnings.

She is being unreasonable in saying the cleaner doesn't count

Who does the cooking, the washing up, cleans the kitchen after cooking, cleans the bathroom, remembers what stuff the kid needs for school/nursery, when they need to go to the dpcotrs/dentist/hairdresser etc, does the laundry, makes sure the bills are paid, shops around for insurance, remembers when the cars need to be serviced and MOTd, cleans the windows, washes the curtains, hoovers under the sofa cushions, changes the bed, washes the towels, does the food shopping, works out what food to buy, mows the lawn, weeds, waters in hot weather, plans outings, plans holidays, arranged play dates, takes the kid to activities, reads them a story, gets the books to read them a story, empties the bins, puts the bins out, washes the car, tidies up before the cleaner comes round, picks clothes up off the floor etc etc

If you honestly do half of all of that, and have 4 nights free to her 3 and work longer hours and organise the cleaner then fair enough.

Oh, just get a cleaner and a gardener to do your share or indeed both your shares. I've no idea why people with sufficient money argue over housework. You work in a stressful environment, why have stress at home? Enjoy your time off doing what you want abd having family time.

You should both has equal amount of personal
spending money and free time. If you are working more hours than her then she should proportionally more at home. If you’re working the same hours then you need to start pulling your weight.

I guess everyone defines free time differently

no, they don't.

Can you tell us how many hours plus commute you work and how many hours plus commute your partner works? That determines your free time.

Is it, roughly, the same?

If so, you have equal amount of free time and should do equal amount of housework.
If not, it is reasonable for the person who consistently has, say 2 hours more per day, to do more with the DC and around the house, using that extra time.

OP
You STILL haven’t said who does the drop offs, pick ups, daily food prep, laundry etc.

And you HAVE said that you want more privileges due to your income, because you want to do less around the house.

Who on earth do you think does it, if you don’t?

Sorry OP but I deal with multi million pound projects for work on a day to day basis a few run into the billions and I work full time......I still pick up a hoover, cook dinner, do the laundry and do half nursery pick ups!
I also pay more then my husband as my salary is more so all bills come out of the joint account and we do a ratio.

My husband does breakfast, nursery drop offs, laundry, cleaning and hoovering.

The concept that because you pay for the cleaner or have a stressful job means you don't have to do your share of household chores is absolute bollocks! Thousands of women (and men) do this everyday!