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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I in the wrong? How to respond

117 replies

Teacupsandtea · 09/05/2023 10:25

Hello all, I shall attempt to keep this brief.
Been with my partner 7 years. Found out he had cheated from the start of our relationship, upto 8 months. Several women. Initiated by him. Obviously we have now been together years and have a child, I stayed. However I'm a nervous wreck. He takes no responsibility and has said the fact this is still on my mind is a sign of mental illness and anxiety.
Anyway, other issue in our relationship is that I feel I'm here for sex/housework and child rearing but if he wants enjoyment, he'd rather his friends etc. I've said we haven't had a holiday together in 5 years or a night out together in 4.

He always makes an excuse as to why we can't go away but they are definitely excuses. He causally mentioned the other day that his old female friend had been messaging him (regularly) and said they should go away on holiday together. My partner said he asked about her husband but she said he wasn't interested and they should go the 2 of them. This is a friend he studied with 35 years ago, so known her years but she loves abroad and he very hardly sees her. I do believe they message though.
Initially I let it was over me. This is where I want to know if I'm unreasonable- it's been on my mind since. Since I discovered he cheated I'm a mess (I keep it to myself) and overthink.
So now all ok thinking is about the fact he has cheated in the past, doing nothing to take responsibility, he doesn't want to go away with me but he's messaging another woman behind my back discussing holidays (it's how it feels to me).
I explained this to him and he said this is all my anxiety, I need help etc. Again, as he has not taken any responsibility or in any way acknowledged my feelings, I feel crap and I don't want to be around him.
Today he's messaging me saying he's ill, stressed, got high blood pressure and it's all my fault for making him ill and I'm very hard work to live with. I don't know how to respond. I get nowhere with any conversation, he puts the blame of everything onto me and I'm fed up of it. He has no idea how I feel having been cheated on. Not only that but the woman he's discussing holidays with is someone he was probably Facebook stalking, apong with his ex (their names were in his search history- I did NOT look at this, he was asking me to help him search for something on FB). I feel utterly crap.

OP posts:

VegemiteSammich · 09/05/2023 10:28

Fuck him off.

PousseyNotMoira · 09/05/2023 10:29

Why are you still with this person? Aren’t you exhausted? Where is your self respect?

NeedCoffeeNowPlease · 09/05/2023 10:36

He's not given you reason to trust him, so it's definitely not a problem with your or your mental health that you're uneasy.

Original poster

Teacupsandtea · 09/05/2023 10:36

Also, please be honest if I'm in the wrong. Maybe I shouldn't be insecure about him discussing going away with a female friend and it's probably my insecurity.

OP posts:

Original poster

Teacupsandtea · 09/05/2023 10:37

Also, please be honest if I'm in the wrong. Maybe I shouldn't be insecure about him discussing going away with a female friend and it's probably my insecurity.

OP posts:

NeedCoffeeNowPlease · 09/05/2023 10:38

I don't think it would be appropriate to go away with someone of the opposite sex in general.

Opentooffers · 09/05/2023 10:40

It feels like he has fun with his friends and uses you for housework, childcare and sex, because that is exactly where he is at. So what are you going to do about it?
He is the cause of your anxiety, so for a calmer life, get rid. One day you may well meet someone who wants to take you out to places and complement you instead of knocking you down. How good would that be?
You can keep complaining to people that he's this and that, and while the list gets longer do nothing, or sort it by splitting up. You can't change him, this is who he has been from the start and you are looking for ways to put up with it, there is only one answer to it LTB.

Original poster

Teacupsandtea · 09/05/2023 10:45

I do understand, I didn't realise he was like this at the start though. I didn't know he was seeing other women. He protested (far too much) about his crazy ex wife who was acum of the earth for cheating.

With regards to his female friend. I believe he went on holiday with her whilst he was married. Apparently his ex wife didn't mind them going away and sharing a hotel room.
I've never met her and my partner hasn't seen her in the 7 years we have been together, as I say she lives abroad. Although apparently she has been mesagaing him, saying he should go and stay there and visit.

OP posts:

TuesandThursNero · 09/05/2023 10:49

what on earth was your parents marriage like? Your previous relationship history like? For you to think that this is in any way a loving and healthy relationship

if you don’t do it for yourself, fgs make the change for your child

Northernsoullover · 09/05/2023 10:50

Stop being so pathetic. You know you aren't in the wrong

TuesandThursNero · 09/05/2023 10:50

Northernsoullover · 09/05/2023 10:50

Stop being so pathetic. You know you aren't in the wrong

Thank you

This

with bells on

yellowsmileyface · 09/05/2023 10:51

Of course you're not in the wrong.

He's gaslighting you by telling you you need help, and that your insecurities are down to anxiety (aka all in your head) rather than grounded in the reality of his past infedility.

He's emotionally abusing you by telling you you're making him ill. He's saying this to make you feel guilty for expressing your doubts and concerns. He wants you to just shut up and stop inconveniencing him with your feelings.

You don't trust him, and he doesn't care about your feelings. This combination suggests you're better off without him.

yellowsmileyface · 09/05/2023 10:53

He protested (far too much) about his crazy ex wife who was acum of the earth for cheating

They all have a crazy ex. 🙄

I'd bet big money she isn't crazy and she didn't cheat.

Londontoderby · 09/05/2023 10:56

His using in every way and not even trying to hide it, he has no respect for you, not a single ounce!

His going to go away with her for a shagfest but can’t even summon a date night with you in 4 years.

You’re a door mat, how can you not be embarrassed? Dump him.

Dedodee · 09/05/2023 10:56

Wise up OP.
You're a housekeeper who provides extras.
He's got as much respect for you as next doors dog.

FictionalCharacter · 09/05/2023 11:00

Teacupsandtea · 09/05/2023 10:36

Also, please be honest if I'm in the wrong. Maybe I shouldn't be insecure about him discussing going away with a female friend and it's probably my insecurity.

Give yourself a shake! You know this isn’t ok. No man goes off on holiday with a “female friend” when he doesn’t go on holiday or even a night out with his own partner. He’s taking the piss. You must know that this isn’t normal.
The fact that he’s calling you “mentally ill” for being upset about his repeated infidelity says it all. He’ll never be a decent partner to you, whatever you do.

PousseyNotMoira · 09/05/2023 11:03

Teacupsandtea · 09/05/2023 10:37

Also, please be honest if I'm in the wrong. Maybe I shouldn't be insecure about him discussing going away with a female friend and it's probably my insecurity.

What madness am I reading?!

3487642I · 09/05/2023 11:03

So instead of taking responsibility for his cheating he is telling you you're the one with with problems for being upset about him cheating, and that YOU are upsetting HIM!?!
The problem is he is a convincing liar. The more he talks the more undermined and self-doubting he wants you to become. Please make plans to leave him ASAP as you'll only end up feeling crazy with someone who lies this readily. He is an absolute waste of space. You'll be better off separated from someone like this, no two ways about it.

You can seek help from Women's Aid. You need support as he has already caused you confusion. Your current confused state of mind is evidence of his psychological abuse.

Anaemiafog · 09/05/2023 11:21

Fucking hell he's done a right number on you. Don't let your children grow up witnessing their DM being treated this way. Imagine them as adults repeating the cycle, and they will if you allow it to continue.

Original poster

Teacupsandtea · 09/05/2023 11:22

I wasn't trying to seek ridiculous. However when I read threads on here, the general consensus is that it's ok to have female friends and it's the woman in the relationship that's insecure. Also, sorry if I didn't make it clear, but he isn't actually going on holiday with her (I assume!). It was just the fact he had been messaging a woman behind my back and discussing holidays, when he won't go away with me (well says he will but always has a ridiculous excuse).

I've not replied to any of his messages. We live together and I find it ridiculous he won't have a face to face discussion with me. If I try he'll just say "read the message I sent you".

I'd happily have a discussion about this but as a poster said, he wants to avoid any discussion about my emotions. This is very true. He doesn't actually care about how I feel, as long as I shut up and he gets an easy life. He told me many lies with regards to the cheating and I was never bake to get a straight answer. I was always shouted at and told I was making him angry by bringing up the past and that it made me an abuser.

Saying that, I am choosing to stay in the relationship and we have a child. So I'd like to maintain the equilibrium. So what do I say in response to his messages? It's very difficult because if I state how I feel and say let's discuss fave to face, he ignores everything I say and goes on a rant about my mental health, him living horrible life with someone so insecure. So nothing gets address and I feel more rubbish.

OP posts:

LiliLil · 09/05/2023 11:25

If you are choosing to stay there’s no hope for you.

He is cheating on you left, right and Centre and will continue to do so. He does not respect you, he does not care about you and by staying you are giving him the green light to treat you like shit. This is the life you’re choosing, it’s no wonder you’re anxious.

Your poor child.

duvetcovereddissident · 09/05/2023 11:26

I think he sounds horrible, and if I was in your position I would be chucking him out today. Who's home is it?

PousseyNotMoira · 09/05/2023 11:27

Why are you focusing on the stupid holiday? He cheats on you, shouts at you, treats you like a bang maid and tells you that you are mentally ill. You are in a horrible, toxic, abusive relationship with an absolute piece of shit. And you don’t seem to realise it.

Are you reading people’s comments? Actually reading them? Read them again. As you asked for feedback, but don’t seem to be taking it in.

LEAVE HIM

OrbandSpectacle · 09/05/2023 11:27

There is no equilibrium that makes sense to us here.

Karma2023 · 09/05/2023 11:27

Is there an age gap?

This man is highly manipulative and you feel anxious because he is being abusive.

Please start reading up on abusive relationships, you have moved so far away from normal that you can see wood for the trees.

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